A Different Perspective by Book of Changes
by Kage Husha
Summary: COMPLETE! Summary: AU Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect this. Rated M for Language. Some Ghost In The Shell & Eyeshield 21
1. Hello Iruka

_**A Different Perspective**_  
By Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

**Addendum: **I, Kage Husha, am NOT the author of this story, nor am I continuing this story. I am merely posting it so that readers may continue to enjoy it.

Also, characters from _Eyeshield 21_ and technology from _Ghost in the Shell_ can be found in the fanfic.

00000  
Hello Iruka  
00000

He was going to kill Gai…and the academy teachers…and Kurenai. And—and Sandaime. All right, perhaps not Sandaime. But he was definitely going to kill Gai. As soon as he could pry him out of this Jounin-sensei impromptu get-together. Gai had had the brilliant idea in the first place. The Academy teachers had been at their wit's end on deciding who should be the third member of Uchiha Sasuke's team, when Gai made his grand suggestion:

"What Uchiha Sasuke needs is a team mate who will be his rival, someone who will stubbornly challenge him despite any lack of in-born genius, and never step aside and let him do all the work! Only then can he forget his past, and enjoy his years of youth!"

'Stubborn' had been the magic word, so to speak. The Chuunin teachers actually went through the entire list of graduates and filtered out the remarkably stubborn ones—i.e. the delinquents. Eventually the options narrowed down to Inuzuka Kiba and Uzumaki Naruto. Kakashi knew he should have been more suspicious when he'd overhead Kurenai talking to the academy teachers at the administration canteen.

"I don't think Uchiha Sasuke should be in the same team as Inuzuka Kiba," Kurenai was saying.

"Why?" That was some academy teacher who he didn't know. But then, he didn't know most of them.

"Kiba doesn't look stubborn _or _stupid enough to challenge Uchiha Sasuke all the time. Besides, if he's paired up with Sasuke, that leaves Naruto with Hyuuga Hinata, and no matter what Hiashi says, I don't think the Hyuuga as a whole would be happy if their official heir is teamed up with _him_."

Yes, Kurenai was definitely on the list of people facing imminent death.

Sandaime had appeared a little doubtful when he received the final list, but accepted the prospective teams without voicing any objections. Perhaps he thought Sharingan-no-Kakashi had a better chance at handling both Uchiha Sasuke and the (infamous) Kyuubi-no-gaki than any other Jounin. Or that any fresh-faced, cocky academy graduate team had about the same chance of passing his Genin survival training as any graduate team, genius or no genius. But the facts he learned from the cursory background check didn't really assure him. Neither were the unofficial tidbits he was learning in the impromptu get-together.

The get-together had started tamely enough. Since it was early in the day, there was no booze. Instead, those Jounin who were already in charge of Genin teams started sharing their horror stories to their bratless comrades. Then they started talking about this year's academy graduate students. Three students later Kakashi found himself on the spot, his so-called comrades showering him with all sorts of horrible little factoids about one Uzumaki Naruto.

"There hasn't been a class where he wasn't the last in. I think they call him 'the eternal dead-last' at the academy."

"It's nothing short of a miracle he managed to graduate at all—after _four_ tries. A new record that."

"Did you know he used to transform into a busty, naked woman to get away from his teachers? I heard they made him mop up all the blood, and sometimes it covered entire _halls_."

"He's been peeping in the women's public baths since age eight!"

"I heard he has transvestite tendencies too!"

And so on. Then they started speculating the Kyuubi-no-gaki's chances on passing Genin Survival Training, leaving Kakashi to fend off their increasingly bizarre ideas as to what Naruto might do (to him) in order to pass. When they reached: "Virgin sacrifice to the other _**Youma **_(Demons)!" he excused himself and left the Jounin lounge, thinking about spending some quality time with a good book.

Alas, it was not meant to be.

"Kakashi?"

Kakashi looked up from his freshly opened book and saw no one. Then he looked _down, _and found Sandaime standing before him, hands behind his back, and looking at him through piercing eyes.

"Hai," he answered, knowing from the elder's demeanor and glance there was something he wanted to say; something important or something very, very embarrassing.

The Jounin and Hokage regarded each other in silence.

"Follow me," Sandaime said simply. Then he turned and walked down the hall without a backwards glance.

Kakashi stuffed his book inside his pocket and followed, one thought coming in a repeating cycle: _I have a bad feeling about this…_

00000

Sandaime left the administration building, with Kakashi tailing silently behind him. They weeded through the busy streets, and finally came upon the stone street that led towards the Ninja Academy. It was unlike Kakashi to indulge in nostalgia, but at the premises of the few places he could claim to have some good memories, he could not help but notice the crispness of the air, the sounds of crickets heralding fall, and the rude kunai marks he made as a kid, on the tree that had a swing.

"I dare say you've heard enough unflattering things about Naruto," said Sandaime's voice, intruding into his thoughts.

Kakashi scratched his head. "Maa, who hasn't?"

This time Sandaime turned around and tilted his Hokage hat upwards. The wide brim shadowed much of his wrinkled face in contrast to the bright sunlight.

"I thought, perhaps, you would like to see him from a _different_ perspective."

Kakashi tilted his head, hand still on the back of his head, "Who am I to meet?"

Sandaime continued to look at him piercingly.

"One of Konoha's _finest_ teachers," he answered.

Kakashi stopped scratching his head. He slowly lowered his hand, and let it drop to his side.

"He knows Naruto the best," Sandaime told Kakashi. "And you'll need all the information you can get when you deal with Naruto. He can be quite … _peculiar_, for the lack of a better description."

Kakashi felt his shoulders droop even more. "Ah…"

The rest of the trip towards the academy building progressed in silence. It was lunch break, so most of the children were outside, doing what all children of age eight to twelve did: screaming, yelling, call each other names, and bringing general doom or destruction to everything and anything that crossed their path. The halls were crowded with racing students, but the cheeky brats gave the Hokage a respectable berth when they noticed him. Kakashi heard enough high-pitched and cheery 'Ohayo Gozaimasu, Hokage-sama!' for him to feel phantom skin rashes.

They finally came upon a door that had a worn panel "Teachers' Office" hanging next to it. As expected, the office was filled with Chuunin teachers of various ages, most of whom were seated behind desks, doing paper work or talking amongst themselves. Those teachers who realized the Hokage's presence immediately stood at attention, that is to say, all of them did, almost simultaneously.

"Please be seated," said Sandaime, after waving off their deferential greetings. He looked around. "Where is Iruka?" he asked.

"Ano, Hokage-sama, he left for lunch," answered a teacher of no consequence or relevance. "But he'll be back ten minutes before the end of lunch break. He always does."

Sandaime nodded. "Right…" He stood there for a moment. Then he left the office, and headed towards the Academy training grounds. As they walked across the field, Kakashi was harassed with more cheerful greetings, none of which were directed to him. One cheeky brat actually had the audacity to ask the Hokage who he was. Sandaime brushed off the question and magnanimously answered the greetings in a grandfatherly fashion as he proceeded forward. Kakashi continued to tail him, wondering where Sandaime was heading, and who this Iruka was. _He better be worth the trouble…_

Sandaime stopped at the northern edge of the training field, which was bordered with ancient camphor trees, and started to look around. Kakashi sniffed the air, but he couldn't smell anything tale-tellingly human, let alone ninja. He stretched his other set of senses, but with so many people running around clouding those senses with their Chakra, he couldn't make out a possible source that could be the Chuunin they were looking for. He couldn't tell if Sandaime was having better luck than he, but the old man was sniffing the air too, and Kakashi was quite sure his sense of smell was as good the Hokage's.

The old man's glance finally landed on the lone Gingko tree standing close to a lonely set of monkey bars. Kakashi didn't notice the young man wearing a Konoha flak-jacket lounging on a branch of the ancient tree until they were almost upon it. Kakashi eyed the man keenly. _He's good._

"Iruka," Sandaime called.

There was a light rustle among the branches of the majestic Gingko tree. Kakashi registered a nigh imperceptible ripple of Chakra and shifting scents of chalk and _**sumi**_ (Japanese calligraphy ink) through both sets of his senses.

—swish

A tallish figure dropped from the thick branches. A young Chuunin stood before the tree without much of a 'pat' on the ground or a forceful discharge of air.

"Hokage-sama," he greeted.

For the longest time Kakashi wondered what made Iruka so remarkable. It couldn't be his appearance: average height, average build, dark but otherwise unremarkable complexion, and averagely attractive features that could easily blend into a crowd of everyday people despite the horizontal scar that marred (enhanced? highlighted?) the nose.

"Hello, Iruka," said Sandaime. Then he waved a hand in Kakashi's direction, "This is Hatake Kakashi. He's here to learn more about Naruto."

Iruka blinked once, clearly taken aback. He probably thought no one would take the time to learn more about the Kyuubi brat, and in all honesty, Kakashi wouldn't have if it weren't for Sandaime. Guilt, which foundations of morality he could not trace, started to pile up in his stomach as soon as the thought crossed his mind.

"_Oh_," said Iruka, recovering rather well and fixing one of those painfully polite smiles on his face. "_Ano_, is there something specific you're looking for, Hatake-san?"

"Anything you would like me to know," Kakashi answered smoothly. "I'd like to know more about his other teammates, too," he added as an afterthought.

"Have you read their records?"

"I read the standard report. It didn't tell me much." _They gave me too many nightmare scenarios, I stopped reading halfway._

Iruka blushed and scratched a cheek. _Cute_.

"I can show you their school records… if you like."

Kakashi shrugged, "Why not?"

00000

Ten minutes later, Kakashi found himself sitting behind a desk with three record books in his hand. He dutifully read through Naruto's records first, and decided he was _definitely_ going to kill Gai…and Kurenai.

"I'm surprised he managed to graduate at all," he said, and that was the nicest thing he could think of. _He's an idiot of uncharted proportions. Someone save meeeeeeeeeee…_

Iruka rubbed the back of this neck. "Certainly his records paint the most uncomplimentary picture… but…"

He handed Kakashi a bound stack of papers.

"Test papers?" asked Kakashi.

"These are copies of all the written tests Naruto took over the past three years. Please look through each question."

Kakashi did so. After the first test, he glued Iruka with a stare.

"He's been graded … very harshly. And here:" he pointed to a question, "It looks like someone erased his answers." Kakashi cocked his eyebrow at Iruka. The younger man didn't look like he would do such a thing to a student, even for the likes of the Kyuubi no gaki. Besides, who was stupid enough to more or less admit they cheated a student in front of the Hokage…?

"Three years prior, the Ninja Academy decided to hire proctors and graders for the written tests," said Iruka. "The basic idea was to lighten a teacher's workload, and ensure the student grades were not affected by personal opinions or bribery."

"Personal opinions," Kakashi repeated.

Iruka nodded. "It's been mostly successful."

Kakashi hmm-ed and returned to the short stack of tests.

"Do teachers normally take off points for untidiness?"

"Yes. But only a point off per test, and we make an effort to read all types of writing styles."

_The grader marked no less than five questions wrong because he _'_couldn't read the answers_'_. Admittedly, the kid's handwriting is bad, but nothing you can't read._ "Did Naruto ever protest his test scores?"

"Many times, and I encouraged him to," Iruka replied. "But to protest, a student must submit an official inquiry written and signed by a legal parent or guardian."

_Both which, the kid doesn't have. Also, that's way too formal of a procedure for a lousy kiddy test._ "Couldn't you have vetoed his scores?"

"The whole point of the grader policy was to remove teacher-subjectivity. So no, I couldn't just change his scores because _I_ thought he was graded unfairly," A pause. "Koharu-sama made sure about that."

_Either the old bat is part of the conspiracy, or her scheming went awry._ Kakashi flipped a page and paused. "He did much better on this one." _And someone else graded it too._

Iruka blushed. _Awwww_… "For that test, the grader systematically graded a question wrong, so I had to make the … _appropriate_ …corrections."

_Ah, good. So he's not _that_ stupid. _"You're pretty strict." But fair. Scrupulously fair, as Kakashi quickly came to expect from this teacher.

Iruka stood a little bit straighter. "This isn't an ordinary school. A full-fledged shinobi cannot afford to be ignorant of any of the basic skills."

_Spoken like a true teacher of ninja._ "Hai, hai…"

The next test was also graded by Iruka's precise hand. The test after that, however, looked very similar to the earlier ones. A quick browse told Kakashi the cause. "His sixth year first midterm was difficult," Kakashi commented. It was the kind of difficult that would force a ninja to cheat.

"During Naruto's last year, the Ninja Education Council raised the issue of cheating," Iruka said. (_Cheating students or cheating skills? _Kakashi wondered.) "It was decided different versions of the same test were to be handed out to the students; and the questions and level of difficulty were to be different for each version."

_So it was cheating skills._ "You mean some tests were more difficult than others?"

"Yes. But the number of tests a student took each year increased accordingly to the number of versions. The test assignments are random, so theoretically a student has about the same chance of getting a difficult test as getting an easy one."

"Is that so?" _But, at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Naruto somehow_ always_ got the most difficult versions._ Kakashi looked through the last five tests. As expected, the questions were all difficult beyond the knowledge of a normal Academy student. But it also appeared Naruto was either studying harder or his cheating skills improved accordingly. That was a good sign. _He's not hopeless. I can handle that._

Kakashi set down Naruto's stack of written tests. "Saaaaa… they're really getting tough on the students these days, aren't they?"

"It can't be helped," said Iruka. "There has been a noticeable drop in the number of Chuunin promotions during the past two years, so Koharu-sama wanted to cull and prepare early on."

_At least that's the official reason. _"Maa, at least the brats would be more prepared."

"I hope so. This year's bunch caused me a lot of trouble," Iruka said.

Then he smiled and blushed at the same time.

…

…

…

_CUTE! CUTE! CUTE!_

…

"Ah…_ahem_," Kakashi said, clearing his throat before the silence became too long. "Eh, what can you tell me about Uchiha Sasuke and Haruno Sakura?"

00000

Kakashi left the teacher's office a more enlightened and happy man. As he walked through the halls of the Academy, Icha Icha in hand, he decided he was not going to kill Kurenai…or the Academy teachers. Gai however…was seriously dead…dead, Dead, _DEAD! _As far as Kakashi was concerned, just because it was revealed Naruto _wasn't_ the biggest idiot in the history of Shinobi, didn't mean the pudding-bowl haired man was exonerated for traumatizing him, no matter how infinitesimally small that trauma might be.

But…the whole team assignment fiasco Gai triggered introduced him to one Umino Iruka, who proved to be far more interesting than Kakashi ever imagined. For that reason alone, perhaps, he would listen to Gai's grandiose ranting for a fraction of a second _before_ he killed him dead.

…On second thought, perhaps not.

00000

Kakashi sauntered towards the classroom a good forty minutes late. His previously good mood had rapidly vanished like wisps of smoke as the inevitable moment of introductions came closer. Never before had he regarded a plain classroom with such palpable dread.

The door to the classroom was slightly open, so he could hear the sounds from within. At the moment, he could hear what sounded like a lengthy, profane monologue through the opening. The monologue was cut short after the tall-tale sound of fist meeting flesh. Kakashi felt his shoulders droop even more. _They're fighting already,_ he despaired.

"Saa…" sighing heavily, Kakashi slid open the door.

A dirty chalkboard eraser dropped on his head with a dull poof.

The silence that greeted him afterwards was complete.

Kakashi stared at his prospective Genin team through a half-glazed eye. He did not listen to what the pink-haired girl was babbling about. _Minus five points for the impractical skirt; another minus two for turning the hitai-ite into a fashion accessory,_ he mentally tallied. He shifted his glance to the brooding, pale-faced, black-haired child clad in a dark blue shirt bearing the Uchiha clan crest. The boy eyed him in askance, and his dark eyes held no little amount of contempt. _Oh, Kami-sama… not a brat who thinks he's too cool for the world…_ Kakashi then shifted his eyes to the last child, who was sitting on the floor doubled-over, trembling under the force of pain radiating from the three lumps on his head. He was short, skinny (almost underfed looking), and was wearing a grubby jacket that was an eye-burning shade orange. _Okay. Stop. You're going to seriously stab yourself if you keep on…_

"Hmm…" muttered Kakashi, "How should I put this…?" He brought a hand up to his chin, face turned upwards in an exaggerated show of deep thought. "My first impression of you three is…" He drew out a little bit more. He could almost hear the brats straining to listen.

"I don't like you!"

_Let the torture begin… Mwahahaha…!_

00000  
To Be Continued...  
00000


	2. Bastards and Bets

_**A Different Perspective**_  
By Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Bastards and Bets  
00000

Kakashi dragged himself back to the Jounin lounge _four_ hours later than the other Jounin instructors. But, despite his atrocious tardiness, all of the instructors were waiting for him like a pack of ravening hyenas. (_Didn't they have anything better to do? No wait, stupid question._) Furthermore, the bastards (_and bitches_) didn't even have the decency to wait for him to sit down before they pounced on him.

"So how did it go? It doesn't look like he slapped you with his trademark Sexy-no-jutsu first time round." That was Asuma, the cigarette-smoking bastard.

"I was thinking more on the lines of burying him under a miniature version of Mount Skidmark." That was Genma, the needle-sucking bastard.

_Oh no, I think he's saving them for those who have oral fixations_. "Hmmm…?"

"That was very good, Kakashi! You almost avoided answering THE QUESTION with such a hip and modern response! But it is no use!" There was no need to verify who _that_ was. Kakashi refused to even look in Gai's direction as he shouted: "SPEAK!"

"Did he attack you with horny squirrels? Throw spitballs? Or maybe the good old chalkboard eraser trick?" one of the bastards continued to press on.

_Guh… I'll never live it down if they learn about the chalkboard-eraser trick…_

"Please, why would he do such things during introductions? No one can be that stupid." That was Kurenai, who sounded a bit more intelligent than the rest. _But then, kunoichi seem to have better sense than—_ "He probably blabbered on and on about becoming the next Hokage or something. You know how he is like." —_never mind…_

"Then why did he use his stupid jutsu during his graduation exams?" argued Asuma. Everyone but Kakashi stared at him, "No, seriously! He used it on the proctors! Kotetsu covered the entire _classroom_ with his blood, he was so shocked…"

While the other Jounin shared their opinions regarding the amount of foolishness Naruto was capable of (though no one mentioned the perverseness of Kotetsu, whoever he was), Kakashi plopped down heavily on a battered sofa and covered his eye with the back of his right hand. _This team, if they pass, is going to be hell to teach. And not just because of the brats, which only makes it worse._

"Oi, Kakashi," Asuma called out. "You look really tired. What did he do to you?"

"Yeah, tell us!" the bastards chorused.

_Kami-sama, what foul deed have I done, beyond the line of duty, to deserve this?_ "He didn't do anything."

The silence that followed expressed the general disbelief in spades.

"He introduced himself, and didn't say or do anything that would require a trip to Yondaime's grave," Kakashi said. _Uchiha Sasuke on the other hand, I'll have to fall down on my knees and beg for forgiveness. Bang my head on the ground a few times while I'm at it. I don't know how Yondaime put up with that kind of attitude when _I_ was a brat…_ Kakashi suppressed a shudder when the memory of Sakura's 'introduction' reappeared in his mind, unbidden and unwanted. _Girls these days… Even Rin wasn't that obvious…_

Despite his willing elaboration of details, the other Jounin were not quite ready to accept the facts just yet.

"So… No proclamations of eternal love to Ramen?" Disbelief.

"No." _Though he did _mention_ his favorite pastime was eating cup-ramen while reading manga, and eating at the Ichiraku ramen stand with Iruka-sensei…_

"No declarations of future Hokage-ship?" More disbelief.

"No." _He said that since there is a 0.00001 percent chance the world might collapse if he mentioned his real dream, he won't tell. Seeing that he's surrounded with bastards like you, I'm not surprised he's keeping it a secret just in case someone tries to sabotage it._

"He didn't complain when you did your standard: 'My name is Hatake Kakashi, watch me introduce myself without giving any other personal information away and tease you at the same time'?" Utter disbelief.

"He didn't." _Sakura was the one who did. But you didn't ask me that, so, ha!_

"What about the Survival Training Announcement?" The bastards actually sounded desperate. "He didn't complain about that?"

"No, not really…" _He just expressed his disbelief upon receiving the unexpected piece of information. So ha, _HA!

"…We waited four hours for _**this**_**?**" _How tragic_.

"Sorry to disappoint." _Take _that_ you bastards._

There was lot of grumbling and shuffling of feet as the other Jounin instructors started to file out of the lounge, disappointed, no doubt, that even Naruto couldn't ruffle he-who-cannot-be-bothered-to-be-ruffled Hatake Kakashi. Said unruffleable man opened his infamous book for another good read once they all left.

_The bastards: zero/me: one. This is so kick-ass. Now, if the team actually _does_ pass survival training tomorrow, that would make things even more interesting…_

00000

The fateful morning of Genin Survival Training day dawned like all of its predecessors: pink with wicked anticipation and cold with the promise of pain. Now it was approaching midday, and three Academy graduates, all of whom had forgone breakfast and had been standing in the Genin Training Grounds since sunrise, were waiting for their irresponsible bastard of a Jounin sensei who was late: _very_ late.

No doubt about it, _someone_ was going to suffer.

A few more minutes passed. The silence that befell the surrounding forest during those few minutes was unnatural. All species of rodents appeared to have vanished. Even the birds weren't jabbering.

Then, a disgustingly bored, yet cheerful, greeting penetrated the tense air.

"Yo. Good Morning."

There was pause.

"YOU'RE LATE!"

And so it began.

00000

"I bet 50 Ryo on teams two, five and eight."

"Teams One, Eight and…Ten, 45 Ryo."

"Ten? You gotta be kidding me… Teams Two, Six and Eight. 60 Ryo!"

"Hmm… I bet 55 Ryo on… Teams Five, Six and Eight."

"What about you, Iruka? Wanna play?"

Iruka looked up from his book and gave his fellow teachers a small, embarrassed smile. "I don't gamble…"

"Aw, c'mon!" chided Takeshi-sensei, "Stop being such a _bore_!"

"Yeah, you're making your _senpai _look bad!" Harada-sensei grinned rakishly. "It's just a bit of fun!"

"Besides, aren't more than half of them part of your first graduate bunch? You should show your support." Suzume-sensei's eyes seem to twinkle behind her sunglasses. "And it won't hurt to have won the bet when you go to treat the Genin teams to lunch this afternoon."

Iruka blushed more brightly. There was a moment of silence while the hormone levels of every other teacher struggled to settle down.

"40 Ryo on … team eight, team ten, and … team seven," Iruka said eventually. It did not go well.

"TEAM _SEVEN!_? NO WAY!"

Iruka flinched. Two seconds later he was surrounded by his visibly agitated colleagues.

"No, no, no, Iruka-kun! This isn't about Naruto—or any of the students for that matter!" Harada shouted, waving arms in wild, impotent circles.

"Yeah, it's their sensei, Kakashi— _Hatake Kakashi_!" Takeshi was quick to agree.

"You mean Hatake-san from yesterday?" Iruka stopped looking distraught in a restrained sort of manner. The other teachers, being some of the best Chuunins of Konoha, kept their relief from successfully distracting Iruka very well hidden. "But… why? He seemed very decent."

"He's decent when he chooses to be," said Suzume. All four teachers, excluding Iruka, scowled. "But he…" She visibly stopped. "He has a track-record of failing every team assigned to him."

Iruka was understandably shocked, "_Every_ team?"

"_Every_ team," Harada confirmed. "Even my favorite Toki-Momo-Heisuke team," he added, mock-sniffling.

"Is he … very strict?" asked Iruka.

"Maybe, I dunno. Personally I think he just doesn't want to teach."

The distraught look returned to Iruka's face. But before his colleagues could fuss over him again like a squad of mother-hens, he hardened his expression and stood up.

"Please excuse me, I have somewhere to go." He picked up the leather-bound book he had been reading, and tucked it into his vest. "Oh, and I'm not changing my bet." He left 40 Ryo on his desk. Then he launched himself out through a conveniently open window.

The remaining teachers watched him leap from building to building in silence.

"He's probably going to talk to Sandaime," said Suzume.

"_Probably_," Harada poked the money on Iruka's desk. "Kinda feel bad for making him bet now."

"Yeah," Takeshi agreed. "I mean, there's no way Team Seven can pass, right?"

"No way in hell. Not with Kakashi testing them and Naruto dragging them down," A pause. "Poor Sasuke-kun and Sakura-chan…"

"Maybe … Sasuke and Sakura will pull them through?" Matsudaira-sensei suggested, though he seemed to doubt his own words.

Harada scoffed. "Get real, Matsu, there's no way."

Matsudaira looked troubled. "What kind test is Kakashi giving them, anyway?"

00000

Kakashi set down his alarm clock on one of the tree stumps. "Yosh, I've set this alarm to go off at twelve," he told his three twitching students. Then he turned to face them.

"Here I have two bells," Kakashi held them up. "Your challenge for today is to steal these from me before noon." He shook the bells. "Anyone who fails doesn't get any lunch." One of the kids squeaked. "Instead, you'll be tied to one of those logs—" he pointed them out— "and I'll eat your lunch in front of you."

The hungered looks on all three brats were unmistakable—all of them had obeyed his orders. _Such gullible brats… So far, they're no better than the others._

"All you need is one bell," Kakashi explained. "But since there's only two, at least one of you will end up on the logs." Now here was the interesting part. "Whoever fails this exercise, will be going back to the Academy … in disgrace." The kids looked really serious now. "It could be only one of you, or all three of you."

Kakashi fisted the bells. "If you wish, you may use shuriken. You won't be able to steal these unless you come with the intent to kill me."

"But that's dangerous, Sensei!" the Haruno-girl protested.

_How should I cure this naivety…? _"Well—" Kakashi started.

"Why do you have only _two_ bells?" Naruto interrupted. Kakashi could almost see the intense scowl beneath the cloth bandages covering the lower two thirds of the boy's face. "I thought all Genin are supposed to be part of a _three_-person cell. Why are you passing only _two_?"

_Hoh… Caught that, did he?_ "The dunce posed a very interesting question. You'll find the answer— _when _you finish this little exercise."

But Naruto was no longer listening.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A _**DUNCE**_**?**" Naruto howled, his eyes burning with manga character like ire. After the ensuing overreaction (and quite a spectacular overreaction, Kakashi decided), Naruto pulled out a kunai, took aim…

… Only to find the hand clutching the kunai twisted to point at the back of his head, and Kakashi standing right behind him holding it there.

"Slow down. I haven't said start yet." _Looks like 'dunce' is a forbidden word for you, eh? Wonder how that came about…_

Naruto blew out a long, unsteady breath. A smirk emerged from Sasuke's brooding countenance. Sakura just looked shell-shocked.

"But, it looks like you're prepared to take me with the intent to kill. So you've finally acknowledged me?" Naruto's breathing steadied. Kakashi could feel three sets of youthful Chakra gather and focus. "Heh heh heh… It seems like I'm beginning to like you three…"

Kakashi loosened his grip on Naruto. "Okay. Let's get going. Ready…

"START!"

00000

"One of the three basics of a ninja is to hide well…" Kakashi recited to himself. He looked around. All of the children were out of sight. _They're well hidden. Good. _He waited a few more minutes to see if any of them would jump in. No one did. _Right, now it's my cue to…_ He pulled out his beloved first volume of _Icha Icha Paradise_ and started to read, blush, and manufacture horny giggles at strategic intervals. Sure enough, he detected three ripples of Chakra disturbances not so far away. _Can't help but be fresh out of the Academy, eh? Ah well._

He started to walk around the fringes of the forest. So far, no one took the chance to attack when he was apparently inattentive. _Usually the most impatient one jumps in at this point—_

Then he tripped.

_This is unheard of,_ Kakashi thought indignantly as he fell forwards. He made a quick look down to the offending foot and noticed an unnaturally upright tree root and very recently upturned earth. _What the… did that root just spring up on its own?_ Just then, he caught a flash of bright orange in his peripheral vision. Kakashi twisted mid-air, and landed in a graceful crouching position. His hair ruffled against the kick passing harmlessly over his head one breath later.

_Naruto's first, eh? _Kakashi was mildly surprised when eight Narutos jumped out of the bushes with a loud battle cry. "Not just normal Bunshin, but Kage Bunshin. A skill to create flesh-and-blood copies of oneself," Kakashi said in a thoroughly bored tone as he stood up. _And the kinjutsu Naruto learned from the forbidden scroll two years ago… _He sent the Naruto closest to him flying into the air. "But, no matter how many copies you create, you cannot defeat me with that jutsu."

Then something smacked against his back. A small, scarred hand shot out from his right and reached out to grab one of the jingling bells.

"Didn't guard your back, did you Kakashi-sensei?" goaded a loud, obnoxious voice.

_Apparently not,_ Kakashi conceded to himself. He turned counter-clockwise while picking one of the clones charging towards him.

Then he swapped places twice.

Up in a tree, Kakashi listened to the clones (and, presumably, the real Naruto) collide into each other with a sickening, but deeply satisfying, crunch.

"Oooww!"

"Hey, watch it!"

"Ooof! God damnit!"

"Shove off, you god damn asshole!"

"YOU fuck off, you bastard!"

_The brat has quite an arsenal of creative curse words,_ Kakashi thought idly as he watched the clones proceed to pound each other senseless. During the Naruto clone free-for-all, a squirrel jumped out of the bushes and froze shock-still at the sight of the Naruto clones poofing out. Once all the clones were gone, the squirrel vanished in a puff of smoke and another Naruto stood in its place. _Henge-no-jutsu?_

"Damn it! He got away!" the boy growled, looking from left to right. Then he placed a hand on the tree Kakashi was hiding in. _So that's the real one?_ Kakashi shifted his crouching position for another kawarimi-no-jutsu.

Then the branch beneath his feet _shook_ like there was bloody gale blowing.

_Is it just me, or are the trees conspiring against me? _Kakashi grumbled as he was _thrown out_ of a _bloody_ _tree_, apparently by the _**tree itself**_. While falling, and contemplating the sheer insanity of being evicted from a sentient tree, Kakashi performed the kawarimi he was planning on doing earlier.

…And neatly appeared behind Naruto.

"Didn't guard you back, did you?" said Kakashi. "A ninja isn't supposed to get caught from behind." He formed the tiger seal.

"Naruto, get out of there! You're going to get killed!" A shrill girl's voice shouted from his left.

"Huh?" Naruto started to turn around.

"Too late." _I'll think about sentient trees later. For now, brace yourself, boy…_

Kakashi charged.

"Konohagakure no Higen! Taijutsu no Oki! _SENNIN GOROSHI_!"

The resultant scream of pain was very satisfying. So was the projectile. (_My longest one yet!_)

The bamph of the Naruto clone vanishing was decidedly not so.

_So, all of them were clones?_ _Damn, I wanted to nail the real one._

"Ah well." Kakashi reopened his book and started reading again. _My next victim is…_

00000

"Sandaime!"

The Hokage looked up from his overdue paperwork and found a slightly-out-of-breath Iruka standing before him. The young teacher's face was clouded with barely hidden distress, and Sarutobi was immediately reminded of the times Iruka's parents had attempted to hide their own emotions. The likeness was eerie. It was almost as though he was back at the time when Iruka's parents were still alive, and valiantly beating off their respective seducers with a stick.

"What is it, Iruka?"

"There's something … There's something I wanted to ask you."

Sarutobi had a good idea what Iruka might want to ask. "Is this about your students?"

At the mention of the word 'students', Iruka's face twisted into a pout, which was another classic expression of the Umino family: large wide eyes, quivering lower lip, and hands balled into fists in a visible display of effort to remain calm.

"Erm… perhaps we can talk about this over tea?" said Sarutobi quickly, well aware of what was happening. He had been a victim of this look in the past, but over the years, he had learned to guard against it. Or rather, to endure it for a greater period of time before ultimately caving in to whatever demands had been issued, or Iruka backed down first.

Ever oblivious to the effects of The Pout and ever polite, Iruka bowed and said: "Thank you sir, but let me treat you to tea." When Iruka looked up there was a faint blush across either cheek, and Sarutobi felt his internal organs melting into squishy goo. This was something that Sarutobi could only describe as the 'Umino Effect'. There seemed to be something about the members of the Umino family that made them exceptionally good at pouting, blushing, and making doe-eyes, even when they reached adulthood. Iruka's father Seiji was able to charm anything out of anyone, and most of the time he didn't seem to be aware of his deadly influence. After experiencing Seiji (and his wife Yukina), Konoha's senior ninjas tried to school themselves against further assaults, and they succeeded to an extent. But it could not be denied that normal rules of shinobi did not apply to the Uminos, and their honest display of emotions was often their greatest asset rather than their greatest weakness. Iruka had inherited this infamous gift, and was believed Iruka's glance, blush and pout was so deadly that even enemy ninja renown for their ruthlessness would crumble before its power.

In short, even the greatest Kage of the region was not immune to it.

Sarutobi left his office like a zombie, overdue paperwork forgotten. But he was not so far gone as to forget to pick up a book titled 'Nindo' from one of his bookshelves, curse himself for devising the bell test, and curse Kakashi for taking that test to the next level of difficulty.

00000

_Sakura was almost too easy,_ Kakashi thought as he sniffed the air. _Sasuke gave me quite the fight, and that's _without_ sentient trees aiding him at the worse possible moments._ He jumped over yet another unnaturally upright tree root. _But to think the official idiot would last the longest…_

After the first encounter, Naruto didn't try to do anything. At least, Naruto didn't do anything Kakashi could detect while he was busy dealing with the other two brats. He verified that someone triggered one of his elementary bait traps, but the person had enough wits to avoid the second rope trap beneath it by climbing up the tree after setting him or herself loose. He found Naruto's abandoned jacket nearby, so Kakashi assumed it was him. _But without the orange jacket, it would be harder to find him by sight alone. And that's not counting the fact the bloody trees seem to be aiding his hiding efforts._

While jumping over the umpteenth unnaturally upright tree root, Kakashi wondered if turning trees into sentient beings was another kinjutsu Naruto managed to learn from the Forbidden Scroll. _After all, Shodaime Hokage-sama was famous for his tree based jutsu. But that would mean Naruto learned a type of jutsu no shinobi, not even Sandaime, has been able to replicate. And that requires a lot of suspension of disbelief…_

Like all Jounin worth their salt, Kakashi was aware of the incident from two years ago, when one of the Academy teachers—Mizuki, he believed was his name—tricked the ten year old Naruto into stealing the Forbidden Scroll of the Shodaime Hokage. The boy's whereabouts had been unknown for more than 36 hours, until an unknown Konoha Ninja (not an ANBU) managed to bring both the scroll and the boy back, and kill the traitor Mizuki while he or she was at it. Nothing more was disclosed about the incident, no commendations or awards were discussed, and Sandaime refused to talk about it. As for Naruto, he certainly never talked about the incident (_or else there would have been rumors_), and he never used any jutsu he might have learned from the scroll_. Until now…_

_Speaking of which,_ Kakashi quickly melted into a shrubbery (he could no longer trust the fucking trees) at the sound of a crinkling candy wrapper. On the next breath he found the jacketless Naruto about 10 meters away, sitting with his back leaning against a tree, popping what looked like a toffee into his mouth. _So he brought emergency rations of sorts? Not bad… but minus points for the noisy wrapper._

"Bloody god damn bastard," Naruto muttered around the toffee. He fisted his hands several times. They seemed to tremble. "Damn, I'm so hungry I can't even think straight." He shifted the toffee in his mouth left and right. "The scream from ten minutes ago… was definitely Sakura-chan's." _Damn straight, it was_. "And Sasuke is literally neck-deep in trouble." _Hell yeah._ "Normally I'd say it serves him right, but…" Naruto hugged his chest. It made him look both pathetic and three years younger. "This isn't working. I need a plan." _Yes, you do. And you better make one quick. There's only ten minutes to spare, and there's nothing stopping me from nailing you with a proper Sennin Goroshi right now. _"He didn't say anything against teaming up, right?"

Naruto started to crawl away on his hands and knees. Kakashi, however, made no moves to assault his unguarded nether regions with Kancho Deluxe. _This … sounds a little promising._ He followed.

"Dunno if they're going to listen to me though," he heard Naruto grumble as he crawled on. "Sasuke thinks he's too good for anyone, and Sakura-chan…" He hunched his shoulders and shuddered. "I'll be lucky if she doesn't slap me three days to Sunday for whatever— Gaaaah!" He started crawling faster. "Damnit, I need food…"

Naruto reached the very passed out Sakura with about seven minutes to spare. He poked her, prodded her, shouted several times (_very unadvisable, but I'll forgive you for now_), but she didn't wake up.

"Bloody fucking Christ!" Naruto roared in frustration. He tore through his hair a few moments. Then he gave her a look that beheld both the wickedness of a prankster and pure unadulterated fear.

"SAKURA-CHAN, DON'T WORRY! I'LL _**KISS YOU**_ AWAKE!"

THAT woke her up.

"_**No!**_"

Unfortunately, Kakashi didn't get to see what happened immediately afterwards. He was too busy keeping his laughter in check. When he looked up again, Naruto was crumpled against a tree, looking as if he lost a fight with a rampaging sledgehammer (_Ouch_). Sakura stood two meters away, burning her surroundings with her ire.

"OKAY, OKAY, I _won't_! Stop _hitting_ me!" Naruto whimpered. Trembling, he put himself back into a sitting position. "Sakura-chan, let's hurry up and get Sasuke out of his hole and team up against Kakashi! We don't have much time—"

Sakura withdrew her burning aura. "Sasuke-kun? In a _**HOLE**_? _What happened?_"

"He got the worst outta a fight with Kakashi! I think he's somewhere over there—" He pointed in the right direction— "Anyway, we gotta team-up…"

But Sakura was no longer listening.

"SASUKE-KUN, DON'T WORRY, _I'M COMING!_"

Then she ran off.

There was a moment of silence while Naruto sat frozen in his spot, figurative icicles forming around his body. There was a little figurative black cloud on top of his head too.

Then Naruto let loose a sigh that sounded much too old for him. "Better follow her…" he muttered, and started to limp away.

Once Naruto was out of sight, Kakashi emerged from the shrubbery he was hiding in.

"Saaa… so much for that hope," He scratched his head, and then prepared for a teleport.

_Sakura, to the log for you…_

00000  
TBC  
00000


	3. Universal Laughter

_**A Different Perspective  
**_By Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo. All original characters, and plot, belong to Book of Changes.

00000  
Universal Laughter  
00000

By noon of Genin Survival Training day, most of the preliminary Genin teams returned to the Academy, the assigned Jounin instructor shooing off three most unhappy graduates into the not-so-welcoming-but-expectant-arms of their no-longer-former Academy teachers. So far, only two teams came back with at least two of its members looking ecstatic: Yuuhi Kurenai's team (which the academy teachers were half-expecting to see), and Sarutobi Asuma's team (which said teachers were pleasantly surprised to see). The teams which status still remained unknown were teams one and seven. Yet, the teachers already handed over Matsudaira-sensei his winnings, which of course did not include Iruka-sensei's money. THAT the teachers hid inside a book shelved on his desk, because anyone capable of taking money from Iruka by unsavory means such as gambling must be truly evil indeed, and the teachers of the Ninja Academy were _proud_, _righteous_ and _chivalrous_ shinobi thank you very much.

It is to be noted the Universe started laughing at this point. Rolling around even, though exactly _what_ the universe was rolling _on_ will remain a permanent mystery.

But perhaps it was the reason why the following events ensued.

00000

Asuma and Kurenai, being the battle-hardened shinobi they were, figured out pretty quickly the Academy teachers were betting on something. (The money swapping was a dead-giveaway.) Once they learned the outcome of the bet depended on the pass/fail status of teams one and seven, they started asking questions prior to giving their opinions, and placing their own bets on the side— it was a Jounin's prerogative after all.

"Who's in charge of Team One?" asked Asuma.

"That will be Shiranui Genma-san."

"Oh, then I wouldn't be so sure about them. He's pretty hard."

"But _Hatake Kakashi _is in charge of Team Seven. Then there's _Naruto_."

A pause.

"Oh, in that case…"

"That still doesn't mean Team One is going to pass, even by default," Kurenai said reasonably. "We don't _have_ to pass three teams every six months."

"That's true."

"And it cannot be denied Team One is nothing spectacular," said Takeshi-sensei. "Sorry, Matsu," he added.

Matsudaira-sensei crossed his arms, but didn't deny Takeshi's assessment. "Mmm…"

"Did anyone actually _bet_ on Team Seven?" Asuma asked.

"Uhm, yes. One. But he's rather new to teaching, and he didn't know about Kakashi-san's track record."

"You mean you made a newbie bet without telling him all the details?"

"We told him about Kakashi-san, but Iruka-sensei can be very stubborn."

"And he has a good reason to wish for Team Seven's success," Takeshi-sensei said. "You see, Iruka-sensei kept Naruto in his class for more than _two years_, per Hokage-sama's orders, when the rest of us only had to deal with him for a year at most." Asuma winced, and Kurenai made sympathetic noises. "You cannot blame him for hoping his efforts will bear fruit after all the pain and trauma he went through," Nods all around, "Then there's Uchiha Sasuke, this year's number one rookie."

Asuma twirled his cigarette between his teeth. "Even so, to bet on Team Seven when no one else would…"

"…he must be a big softie," Kurenai finished.

The Academy teachers shared some significant looks.

"I wouldn't call Iruka-sensei a _softie_," Suzume-sensei said, "But I cannot deny his kind nature gets the better of him at times. He's probably one of the few reasons why Naruto wasn't removed from the Academy after THAT incident." Her fellow teachers nodded their heads in agreement.

Kurenai lifted a delicately plucked eyebrow. "He spoke up for Naruto when he was being tried for stealing the Forbidden Scroll?"

"Yes, and for countless other outrageous misdemeanors of lesser import."

"He is a very good man," said Matsudaira-sensei solemnly. "His efforts to turn Naruto into something respectable are laudable. But it is like watching a good friend repeatedly bash their head against a brick wall."

"Forcing someone to look after an untamable beast, more like," Takeshi muttered.

"He never should've had to teach the damn _gaki_ in the first place," grumbled Harada. "I mean, we all had our share of hopeless cases, sure, but Naruto single-handedly redefined 'hopeless'. Damn near made me feel bad for failing some other brats before him." He flapped a hand. "No one deserves that kind of punk, especially Iruka-sensei."

To that, there was no question or dissent. The conversation eventually dribbled down to a comfortable silence.

Then Matsudaira-sensei spoke up.

"Do you really think it's hopeless for Team Seven?"

Kurenai shrugged. Asuma took a deep drag from his ever-present cigarette, and then blew out a stream of smoke.

"I don't think they're hopeless," he said. "As you mentioned before, Team Seven has this year's number one rookie, who comes from THE Uchiha clan. And judging from her records, Haruno Sakura is no slouch either. If those two can work together, they just might make it."

00000

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Konoha, Team Seven's Survival Training was nearing its end. And all things considered, their prospects were black.

"You three certainly look starved," said Kakashi, in a tone of someone talking about the weather. His light comment was answered by a loud rumbling sound coming from three different sources. _Coddled and untested. Bah. But we all start like that._

"Well, about this exercise…" Kakashi said as he crossed his arms. Naruto struggled to shake off his hungered stupor. Sasuke glared spitfire at the ground. Sakura tearfully pouted, which was the worst of the three. _This is why I don't like tying up girls_: _they have a natural ability to take you on guilt trips. Not that it was working, but still._

"Naruto." the boy, who still bore the marks and bruises from the (undeserved) beating he received from Sakura, looked up from his misery. He had that look of desperate hope one could see from people who were beaten down far too often. "You should go back to the Academy."

Naruto—there was no other word for it—deflated: Dropped his head into his arms and curled up his body like a puppy about to get whipped. Then he balled up his hands into two trembling fists, while his entire body shook like a volcano about to erupt. _No screaming protests? You continue to surprise me. But then again, it's not like your protests worked before, and some bastard probably used it against you, too…_

"As for Sasuke and Sakura—" Sasuke didn't look up. Sakura was still pouting, her lower lip trembling with just the right amount of vibration to be effective to most people— "You two don't need to return to the Academy." _And the chorus starts…_

Silence.

_Erm, the chorus…?_

More silence.

_Never mind. _Kakashi took a peek. Sakura looked aghast, and deliriously happy at the same time.

"_Really?_" she squeaked._ I can almost hear her thinking: 'OMG, love prevails! And I don't have to deal with Naruto either!' _Sasuke made a harrumphing noise. _Let's see how long you can hold up that attitude of yours, Sasuke … _Naruto's shaking increased. _Just wait one more second before you start shouting…_

"Ah," said Kakashi. "You two should _quit_ as Ninjas."

The sound Naruto and Sakura emitted together was something between a scream and a choke.

"HEY! HEY! WHAT THE HELL?" Naruto shouted, looking absolutely gobsmacked.

"QUIT AS NINJAS?" Sakura imploded, "But _why_? None of us got the bells! Why do Sasuke-kun and I have to quit—"

"When Naruto at least gets another shot?" said Kakashi, finishing the sentence for her. "Because all of you are just punks who don't deserve to become Ninjas. Naruto just happens to be a better punk than you two."

Kakashi didn't even blink when Sasuke charged as soon as he delivered the short reason for his verdict. _Bingo._ Kakashi had him flat on the ground, disabled, before the next breath. "This is why you're a punk."_ Not so cool now, are you?_

Sakura fought against her bonds. "Noooo! Don't step on Sasuke-kun!"

_She's still not taking this seriously. Ah well, it's about time I lectured the living daylights out of them, anyway. _"Do you think being a Ninja is fun and games? _Huh_?" Kakashi barked. Sakura immediately shrunk against her log.

"Why do you think you were divided into teams and are doing this training?"

"W-what do you mean?" Sakura asked tremulously.

"In short, you lot don't understand the answer to this exercise at all … the answer that decides whether or not you pass this test."

"…I—I wanted to ask what it was before…" started Sakura.

_Like hell you did._ "Geez…" He paused for a moment. "The point of this exercise is _teamwork._"

Kakashi felt Sasuke do a full-body twitch beneath him.

"I never said you weren't allowed to team up against me," Kakashi said. _A point for you, Naruto, though it doesn't make up for all the minus points you accumulated._ "If you three had worked together, you might have gotten the bells." _You wouldn't have, but as long as you three worked together, I would have passed you._

"What do you mean by teamwork?" Sakura protested "There are only two bells! Even if we worked together, one of us would still fail! That just makes us fight each other!"

_At least you picked that up quickly. _"Indeed, this test was intentionally set up to make you fight each other," Kakashi said. "The purpose of this exercise was to see if you can put aside your own interests, and work together successfully under these designed circumstances."

Now Kakashi glared at them.

"But _you_ lot…" He started, "Sakura, instead of Naruto next to you, you were only thinking about Sasuke, who was far away. Sasuke, you just assumed the others would get in your way and tried to do everything yourself. Naruto, first you just ran around on your own, then wasted time hiding from me when I was busy with Sasuke and Sakura," A pause, "But, you were the only one who tried to work with your teammates."

Silence… s_o, all of you admit that you've screwed up…and another point for Naruto for not boasting._

"All duties are done in teams," Kakashi continued. "Of course individual skill is important for Ninja. But what's even more important is 'teamwork'." _Now there's something I need to confirm…_"Naruto!"

The boy almost tipped over sideways. "H-Ha-Hai?" he squeaked.

"What happens to people who do individual play?"

Naruto flinched. For a while he did not speak.

"They get their fool-ass killed," he mumbled to his toes, "Or get someone _else_ killed."

Another bout of silence as both Sasuke and Sakura appeared to be quite surprised to hear _that_ coming out of Naruto's mouth.

"Inelegantly, but correctly put," Kakashi said. _I knew it. You speak from experience. I wonder what happened._ "Act on your own and you might be taken hostage, forced to make tough decisions, and then die. You put your life, and that of your comrades, in danger."

He stepped off of Sasuke and walked towards the cenotaph. "See this stone? On it is written the names of the heroes of this village who died in the line of duty." A pause, "It's a memorial. My best friend's name is carved here too." _And it was because of my own stupidity…_

… _Stop. Don't go there._

"You lot … I'll give you one more chance," said Kakashi over his shoulder. "But after lunch, it's going to be even more difficult to pass this exercise. Those who want to challenge again can eat lunch. But don't give Sakura any."

"Eh?"

"It's punishment for beating up her teammate," said Kakashi. "Anyone who gives her any food fails immediately." _Insert scary face. _"I'm the rule here! Got it?"

Three nods. Satisfied, Kakashi teleported off to the forest just behind the three logs, opposite to the cenotaph, then melted into the bushes.

He waited.

"Here."

"Sasuke-kun?"

"Eat."

"B-but, Kakashi-sensei said…"

"Don't worry. I don't sense him near here. After lunch we'll work together and get the bells. Without food you won't be able to fight properly, and it will only hurt us."

"I, I-I'll be alright, Sasuke-kun! Don't worry about it!"

"But Sakura-chan, your hands are shaking!" Shuffling. "Here, mine too!"

"_Naruto_?"

"You can't fight with an empty stomach, Sakura-chan! And what kind of team lets their comrade go hungry?"

"…Sasuke-kun, _arigato_! And Naruto, _gomen_!"

"Nihihihi… S'okay, Sakura-chan! I was asking for it, really!"

Behind the bushes, Kakashi smiled. _Saaa… this team really goes beyond my expectations…all of them actually accumulated __**positive points**__…_

He triggered the smoke bombs he planted in front of the logs. They set off beautifully.

"YOU THREEEEEEE……!"

_The sounds of your traumatized screams are music to my ears…_

"…Pass!"

…_And now the _real_ trauma begins… mwahahaha…!_

00000

"Kakashi-san sure is late," Takeshi-sensei said after letting lose a long sigh.

"He won't be back until the very last minute, if not later," said Asuma. "Speaking of which, where is that Iruka-sensei of yours?"

"He left to speak with Hokage-sama, but he should be back soon," another sigh. "I hope he doesn't return too distraught…"

Asuma sniggered around his cigarette. "_Heh_, sounds like you're _babying_ him."

"We do not deny the charges," Suzume-sensei said. "But Iruka-sensei _requires_ a certain degree of coddling and protection."

"He _requires_ protection?" Kurenai was befuddled. "What kind of Chuunin requires _protection_? And _coddling_ on top of that?"

The Academy teachers gave the two disbelieving Jounin looks that screamed: '_you don't know what you're talking about!_' Then they looked at each other. A period of unspoken discussion commenced between the teachers, which involved a lot of staring, peculiar facial expressions, flapping arms, and other animated gestures.

Finally Matsudaira-sensei spoke up.

"Iruka-sensei is a unique phenomenon by himself," he said in a deep, serious voice, very similar to those used in movie trailers. "No mere words can describe him. One needs to observe him in close proximity in order to fully appreciate his … incredible… presence."

"And what does that have to do with the protection and coddling, exactly?" Asuma wanted to know.

"Iruka-sensei is oblivious to his deadly influence, hence the coddling. He requires protection because his influence is a danger to himself, not to mention others," A pause, "I've seen enemy ninja, in the heat of battle, break before him."

The Jounin were not impressed, "Yeah, sure."

The teachers, in turn, were offended at their dismissal. Which was probably why Harada-sensei punched a wall, saying: "What if I say he can crumble even _Morino Ibiki_?"

Asuma smirked. "That's a big claim. Can you back it up?"

Harada smirked back. "Just bring Ibiki-san over to the administration canteen this evening at six. We'll bring Iruka. You folks just sit tight and _watch_." Harada's smirk grew. "I bet three hundred—no, _five hundred_ Ryo Iruka breaks the interrogator in one sitting." Harada's stupendously brave (or incredibly reckless) bet was greeted with a lot of cheers from his fellow male Academy Teachers. ("_Yeah!_" "_You, tell 'im, Harada!_")

Asuma punched the same wall. It trembled beneath his fist. "Then I bet five hundred Ryo your Iruka can't even make him _twitch_."

Harada punched the wall again. "Deal!" he shouted. Then the wall crumbled.

Kurenai and Suzume sighed. "_Men…_"

It was that moment when, through those tremulous chances that contrives an empiricist to wonder of a divine providence and a greater plane, Iruka showed up at the Academy, right in front of the warring ninja instructors.

"What's going on?" Iruka asked.

The Academy teacher's reaction was instantaneous: They all whirled around, smiling brightly, as if they weren't planning on using their youngest and most inexperienced colleague on a bet of questionable virtue, and there wasn't a freshly crumbled wall right behind them, "Ah, Iruka-sensei! How was your conference with Hokage-sama?"

"It was very … informative, thank you," Iruka said while staring at the wall debris, and then at Harada-sensei, who had an ingratiating smile on his face. "Did all the teams return?"

"We're still waiting for Team Seven." (Sparkle, sparkle, smile) "Oh, Team One failed, by the way."

"Is that so?" Iruka scrutinized the other Academy teachers a few more seconds. Said teachers squirmed discretely. Then Iruka turned his glance on Asuma and Kurenai, who were doing their best to appear inconspicuous and unimportant. A small spasm ran through their bodies when they met Iruka's eyes.

"Nice to meet you, Asuma-sensei, Kurenai-sensei," Iruka greeted with a picture-perfect bow.

"………Hey," Asuma managed to strangle out despite his paralysis.

Kurenai just waved a hand. A light pink shade slowly rose up from the tip of her nose and spread across her cheeks.

"Did you just come?"

"………Yeah…"

"Hmm," Iruka continued to study the two Jounin, never mind it was considered bad manners to stare at one's superior in the eye without permission. In a matter of seconds, Asuma was rendered speechless and immobile, while Kurenai's entire face had turned a lovely shade of pink.

Then they were saved. A voice said: "Good afternoon, Iruka-sensei."

Then they were further damned. Iruka looked up and _smiled_: "Good afternoon, Hatake-san."

The hungered and abused Team Seven, who just arrived alongside Kakashi, witnessed their teachers (and two strangers) turning into white statues. Sasuke would have snorted at them, only he was having trouble forming coherent thoughts, though exactly _why_, he couldn't begin to contemplate.

It was Naruto who brought them all back to life.

"Iruka-sensei, we _passed_! We PASSED!"

"_Whaaaah…_?" someone half moaned, half wailed.

"WE _**PASSED**_!" Naruto shouted again as he tackled Iruka's mid-rift.

While Naruto expressed his joy with loud physical demonstrations upon Iruka's person, Asuma removed the cigarette which was on the verge of burning off his lips.

"Hey, about that bet…"

"Hai…?"

"I changed my mind. Don't wanna do it."

"We're not letting you off the hook, Asuma-sama. We made a _deal_…"

"………_Kuso._"

00000  
EXTRA SECTION! EXTRA SECTION! EXTRA SECTION!  
00000

Thirty minutes before six, every shinobi in Konoha worth their salt heard about The Bet. Twenty minutes before six, Asuma managed to talk Ibiki into participating. Exactly how Asuma managed to convince _Morino Ibiki_ into taking part of the bet, no one would ever know. Perhaps the Torture and Interrogation specialist felt he was being professionally challenged. Or he was just as curious as everyone else. But surely it was one of the most incredible feats of persuasion ever.

Ten minutes before six, Ibiki and Asuma, and many a bored Jounin and Chuunin, were ensconced in the administration canteen, waiting for the Ninja Academy teachers to appear. The number of bets that had been placed during the interim of six hours was so many as to be ridiculous. The number of _rules_ enforced upon the betting process was even more ridiculous. But the sheer amount of _speculation_ that took place was simply beyond the event horizon of disbelief.

Indeed, the number of bored shinobi in Konoha was just _**staggering**_.

Kakashi, surprisingly enough, choose to become part of the audience of Bored Konoha Shinobi ™ over his usual Solitary Boredom ®. Of course, seeing that he was sitting next to Gai, it was entirely possible the self-proclaimed Beautiful Blue Beast ™ dragged his Eternal Rival into a challenge that involved the bet in some convoluted manner. Or maybe Copy Ninja no Kakashi had a hitherto unknown gambling streak. Ibiki certainly thought so.

"I didn't know you were into gambling, Kakashi," he commented.

"I'm surprised you agreed to this," Kakashi shot back. It is to be noted he didn't deny anything about gambling.

Promptly at six, the Academy teachers entered the canteen, Harada-sensei in the lead. They took their seats at the teacher's corner. Iruka, who didn't seem to notice what the hell was going on, was directed to sit where the audience could have a good front view.

They communed.

"So far, I am not impressed," Ibiki whispered without moving his lips.

"I wouldn't put my guard down, if I were you," Kakashi advised quietly.

At that moment, as if on cue, Harada produced a piece of chocolate cake out of nowhere: a very LARGE piece of cake.

Harada offered it to Iruka, who promptly blushed and tried to refuse.

A shudder rippled through the audience closest to the teacher's corner.

At length Iruka accepted the cake, blushing pinker and thanking Harada. Then Iruka took a fork and sliced a sliver of cake.

What happened afterwards would be forever remembered as THE CAKE INCIDENT (all caps intentional). Due to the graphic nature of the incident, it cannot be elaborated in detail. But, suffice it to say, half of the shinobi audience teleported themselves out of the canteen two minutes into the incident, while the other half left five minutes later. Among those who left early, a good number of miniskirt-wearing kunoichi left wearing standard issue trousers, and a greater number of men left with their shirts tied around their waists torso part front. Gai had to be transported to the hospital to mend a broken nose. Asuma, who broke Gai's nose for _continuously counting the number of bites Iruka took to swallow a cake_, limped out of the canteen with his waist cloth shifted to hide the front of his trousers. Harada-sensei had to hunt him down to get his winnings, but he needed a week's recovery period before that. No one was quite sure what happened to Ibiki, but it would be three days before the interrogator tried to show his face in public. As for Kakashi … he was transported to the hospital as well. Rumor had it he was diagnosed with severe hemorrhaging and blood-loss.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	4. Into The Lair

_**A Different Perspective  
**_By Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Into the Lair  
00000

Two days after his unexpected visit to the hospital for reasons that will Never Be Discussed in Public, Kakashi found himself poking his breakfast (brunch?) in a nearly empty administration canteen with his _hashi_. The food looked as plastic as ever. _I swear they hire the same people who make our traveling rations. And speaking of the canteen staff…_ He glared balefully at them. Normally, at this time of day, the canteen would be fairly bursting with fellow ninjas (single, usually male) who came for something quick and free (if unpalatable), so hardly anyone would be aware of his presence. Today, however, only the canteen and janitorial staff on duty were around, trying, but failing, to hide their interest directed at his masked face. _For crying out loud, it's nothing worth writing home for._ But no matter how much he glared, they didn't back down. They never did.

"Saa … I'd better get going …" He left his untouched meal for the cleaning staff. They gave him a glare filled with disappointment and disapproval. _I do NOT feel guilty about this_, Kakashi crabbed to himself as he slouched out of the canteen, and the Administration building.

Kakashi blinked under the sunlight. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he pondered what he should do next. THE CAKE INCIDENT disabled so many Jounin and Chuunin that Genin Orientation had to be rescheduled. The Academy was closed for the same reasons. Gai was still in the hospital, but he didn't feel evil or diligent enough to pay a visit just to annoy him, so that left Kakashi somewhat at a loss. He could go and bother Sandaime, or read _Icha Icha Paradise_, but he didn't feel like doing either. His disinclination to read _Icha Icha_ shocked Kakashi to the core. He traced the uncharacteristic emotion, and found the cause was confusion. But why was he confused?

"Hatake-san?"

Kakashi looked up and found the source of his confusion: Umino Iruka.

Hitherto, Kakashi thought at least his sexuality was alike the greater portion of the population— straight as a well-fletched arrow. Not that he had much evidence to substantiate his claim: he had no desire for marriage or family, as he hated the implications of the former and lived without the latter for so long he could honestly say it was best for all parties if he didn't try to make one. Also, by the time he was mature enough to feel hormonal activities in his body, his level of Chakra control allowed him to automatically suppress any cumbersome urges if the timing was inappropriate (which is to say, anytime he wasn't reading one of the _Icha Icha_ volumes). But, despite his non-existent desire for reproduction and lack of unauthorized sexual urges, he developed an immense appreciation for porn of the straight variety. So he (reasonably) assumed he was yet another heterosexual male of the masses.

Then Iruka dropped into his life like a misguided, but deadly, bombshell.

All right, so the misguided bombshell screwed up half of the male shinobi population in Konoha as well. But really, one would think he was too old to have a sexual identity crisis.

"Um, Hatake-san, are you still there?"

"Hmm…?" Kakashi blinked back to reality. Iruka was waving his right hand in front of his face, while balancing a hefty looking shopping bag on his left arm. _Sometimes I embarrass myself… _"Iyaa _sumimasen, _Iruka-sensei. I was rather preoccupied."

"Oh," Iruka's eyes twinkled rather like a mischievous child's. The sight made Kakashi's stomach turn. Or maybe it was his heart that beat off-rhythm. At any rate, his bodily functions were going haywire.

"Were you thinking about the evening before?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi was too busy putting his heart-beat in order to answer. Then he realized his silence was as good as admitting he was there. Blast.

"So you were there too! I knew Harada-sensei was up to something, but I wasn't quite sure what. It wasn't until I was half way through that cake he gave me—"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Blast. Blast. _Blast._ Where was his _brain_ when he needed it?

Iruka looked annoyed and embarrassed at the same time. "There's no need to deny it. You're not the only one who was affected, and all things considered, you weathered it better than anyone else."

Kakashi had nothing to say to that. _Damn_.

"See? It's not so bad," said Iruka. "But it must have been terribly inconvenient and confusing. I—" His face reddened slightly. Then he looked around the empty street. Since he was looking elsewhere, Kakashi took the opportunity to wipe any tells from his person. _Fat lot of help it's going to be _now…

"Do you want to talk about it over tea?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi thought about it. On one hand, Iruka was offering him an opportunity to ask questions in a confidential setting. And he wanted to know what Iruka did two days ago. On the other hand, he wasn't sure if he could withstand Iruka's mysterious influence any longer.

"Where is the place you have in mind?" Kakashi asked.

"I have tea imported from **Cha-no-Kuni** at my place."

_He's inviting me to his house at the get-go? Not that I mind observing him in his natural habitat, but… _"Do you have coffee?"

"Hmm…" Iruka dug into his shopping bag, and pulled out a plastic jar. "Will this do?"

It was Kakashi's favorite coffee brand, and the particular product mixed its ground coffee with vanilla powder— another favorite. As if that wasn't enough, Iruka was smiling expectantly. The only consolation Kakashi had was that at least he managed to grab, strangle, and brutalize the expected blankness before he crumbled.

There was no verbal agreement. But Kakashi soon found himself following Iruka's lead, listening to a little voice in his head screaming: _Damn him to hell! Damn him! Damn… cute…_

00000

Iruka took the streets that were most crowded, and he didn't look back to see if Kakashi was following. He didn't talk either. Kakashi was uncomfortably touched at this bit of consideration: touched because normal people would try to fill the silence with mindless chatter; uncomfortable because he had to toy with the idea that Iruka might have read deep into his character from a single encounter—and what would that mean to him? _I'm out of shape._

Kakashi became uneasy when he noticed Iruka was heading towards the civilian apartment district. Not many shinobi lived there; the buildings were less fortified, and there was little, if any, room left for personal touches. There were also civilian neighbors to consider— they tended to react badly when their homes got swept into a ninja fight, and complained the most once the fight was over (Provided, of course, the civilian survived the fight. Unfortunately ninjas were obligated to save civilians, no matter how cranky).

Finally Iruka stopped in front of an old apartment complex. He turned around to face Kakashi.

"This is where I live. My place is on the sixth floor."

Kakashi made a cursory inspection on the place. It wasn't bad for a civilian residence: three fire escapes (_good escape routes_), all individual balconies fortified with bars and strong glass (_hard to get in but easier to get out_), and partially fenced windows (_same as the balconies_). The building itself was rather old, but more sturdily built than the more recent developmental homes in Konoha. _Must have been made during the Ninkai Wars_. The sixth floor of the apartment complex was at the same height as the roof of a non-descript building standing next to it, and the distance between the two buildings was such that any Ninja worth their hitai-ite should be able to cross it in one jump. _Worst-case scenario, I can always run away._

Therefore Kakashi was considerably more at ease as they climbed up the stairways. Iruka opened the door to his apartment and stepped in first, as per shinobi protocol. But as Kakashi turned to look through the door, it almost seemed as though he was drawn in by a kind of horrified fascination— one dredged up entirely from his unique experience from two days ago.

Once he stepped inside, he stared. Then he stared some more, and kept on staring.

Though he couldn't claim to know much about interior decorating, Kakashi had a feeling he would never see the like of Iruka's apartment: the conventional fluorescence lights hung on the ceilings, but their plastic covers had been removed. Instead, they were encased in rice-paper lanterns, its sides decorated with strange iconic paintings and geometric patterns. Small directed lamps scattered throughout the apartment provided most the working light, and several of them were on the floor, pointing upwards so that objects above them were lit from below. The ceiling was painted a deep porous blue, interlaced with different shades of green and silver. This, combined with the strange lighting, made the atmosphere _shimmer_ like the coastal depths of a summer sea.

"Please take a seat," Iruka pulled out a chair. "How would you like your coffee?"

Kakashi shook himself out of his staring, "Black, no sugar."

"Hai, please wait."

Iruka shuffled around the kitchen, putting away his groceries and preparing the coffee. Kakashi took that moment to perform his ritual sweep for any hidden weapons or hideaways. He quickly became baffled when his glance kept lingering on the glass figurines, overflowing bookshelves, crumpled kites, badly developed photo's taped to the walls, and various other mismatched cast-offs that filled the room. His nose wasn't cooperating either. His first whiff picked up background scents of flowing water and forest blossoms, but nothing tale-tellingly metal mixed with weapon grease. His second whiff detected smells that seem to characterize Iruka— paper, chalk, _sumi,_ and watercolor paints, but not much else.

Taken individually, Kakashi's observations implied Iruka hadn't fortified his house and person like a good shinobi should. But that didn't explain his uncharacteristic fascination towards knickknacks of little weaponry value. Even if he put his ninja-instincts on hold, he couldn't see the knickknacks as anything but pieces of junk that should have been thrown out. Yet when viewed together, especially under the directed lights, the total effect was that of warmth and welcome.

It put Kakashi at ease.

Kakashi wondered if Iruka designed his house like this on purpose, or if he was just talented in interior decorating.

"Here you go," Iruka emerged from the kitchen, bearing two steaming mugs. He placed the mug that smelled of strong coffee with a hint of vanilla in front of Kakashi. The other, from which Kakashi could detect sugar and hazelnut besides the coffee, he kept for himself. Then Iruka sat on a chair across from Kakashi, and closed his eyes.

They drank their coffee in silent accord.

"So, Hatake-san—" Iruka started.

_Oh no, not that again. _"Please don't call me that," Kakashi cut-in. _Anything but 'Hatake-san' — I have enough reminders of Sakumo as it is._

As expected, Iruka looked off-kilter at his rude interruption. But the young teacher regained his composure quickly enough. "Hai, Kakashi … sensei," he tried again.

Kakashi hummed. Whether the sound was meant for Iruka or the coffee he was drinking was not quite obvious.

Iruka cleared his throat, and resumed: "If you have any questions, Kakashi-sensei, please ask. I'll do my best to answer them."

_How can you be so damn assertive but so damn polite at the same time?_ "What did you do with that cake two days ago?" _And what kind of lame leading question was that, you __**twit**__?_

"Well…" Iruka set down his mug. "Quite frankly, I want to know myself. I just ate it. I wasn't trying to be lewd. But everyone left because they couldn't hide their … problems."

Kakashi almost snorted coffee up his nose. "You knew!" Blast, blast, blast. He couldn't stop that from coming out.

Iruka looked irritated for the first time. "Kakashi-sensei, just because my colleagues got it in their heads this … _phenomenon_ is a byproduct of my supposedly unique innocence, doesn't mean that I actually _am_ that oblivious."

_CUTE! Cu— oh gawd, did I just think that!_?_ THIS GUY IS NOT HUMAN! _"Aah, _sumimasen_, Iruka-sensei." Kakashi cleared his throat. "So, you weren't doing anything intentionally?"

"No," said Iruka, grimacing. "You may not believe this, but I only realized _I_ was the cause of the incident when Ibiki-san literally ran away from me yesterday," A pause, "Before that, I thought someone had pulled a high-caliber prank genjutsu in the canteen."

_Ibiki managed to_ run away_? Holy shit, he's good!_ "I believe you," Kakashi said. "But how did you know you were the cause, and how do you know Ibiki?" _Finding interrogation specialists fleeing from your mere presence is not sufficient proof that you are the cause of mass hormonal overload. Moreover, Ibiki is not a person you randomly meet on the street and exchange names with._

"I may not know what actually caused that … incident, but I do know certain _triggering actions_ incite a similar effect." Iruka swirled his coffee mug morosely. "Now I have to add 'eating cake' into my private inventory of Forbidden Public Actions."

"You keep track of them all?" _This sounds good._

"I note anything I become aware of. I have a physical list, if you're interested," Iruka said. Then he added: "Harada-sensei probably has a more comprehensive list than mine, considering the number of times he used me in his stupid bets."

"I'll ask him then." _Then kill him afterwards._

Iruka looked faintly amused. "He won't give it to you willingly."

Kakashi shrugged. "I have some persuasive measures up my sleeve."

Iruka looked even more amused. "You know, that's the same thing Hokage-sama said to me once, in a similar context."

_Did he now… _"I'll come to take a look at yours if I fail." Kakashi briefly curled his eye into an inverted 'U', which was lost to Iruka since his eyes were still closed. "Now about Ibiki…"

"I'm a former member of the Hostage Rescue and Criminal Profiling Division," Iruka replied. "Ibiki-san and I worked on several cases together."

"Oh, you were part of that joint?" _It suits him; and kind of explains this apartment's décor, and Ibiki's presence, and some other stuff._ "If you don't mind me asking, why did you leave?"

Iruka didn't reply immediately, and took a bracing swallow of coffee. "Hokage-sama asked me to be Naruto's Academy teacher. I agreed."

"Ah," _But that can't be all. I don't know much about profiling, but I do know the ability to put people at ease in order to profile them in their natural state is crucial. Your … gift… does the exact opposite. On top of that, the Criminal Profiling Division, that fiendishly selective and grabby little joint, actually _let you leave…

…_Best direct the conversation elsewhere. _"You don't happen to have comprehensive profiles of my Genin team, do you?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," Iruka's tone was light, and didn't sound forced. "They're informal though, and highly personal."

"But it would put my despair at ease?"

Iruka smiled, and Kakashi felt his treacherous body go haywire again. "No. But it might give you a laugh or two." The young sensei chuckled. "I had more fun writing Sasuke and Naruto's profiles than it should be considered normal. And speak of the devil…"

There was a loud knocking at the entrance door.

"Iruka-sensei!" shouted a muffled voice that sounded far too familiar than Kakashi would have liked. "I'm here to make your lunch!"

"Would you like to stay?" asked Iruka, smiling in the way that snapped whatever was left of Kakashi's will power in 0.5 seconds flat. "Naruto's an excellent chef."

00000

During the precious half a minute while Iruka left to open the door, Kakashi pondered over his experience with what he decided to call 'the Influence'. _If Ibiki ever recruits Iruka, Konoha will have a nearly 100 percent interrogation success rate. I can almost see it: Iruka asking questions all friendly like, and the prisoner screaming 'Interrogate me _properly! _PROPERLY, you bastards!' before the poor sod crumbles— bwahahaha…!_

Kakashi was still pondering over the idea, when something eye-burningly orange bounded into the apartment like a bloody fire engine. It came to an abrupt stop beyond the short foyer.

"What's Kakashi-sensei doing here?" Naruto's voice asked.

_Alas. Now I must keep my conversations PG-13. _"Yo," Kakashi waved his hand by-way of greeting.

"I invited him over for coffee," Iruka said, giving him a slight nudge. "Naruto, can you make lunch for three?"

Naruto didn't move. Instead, he crossed his arms while radiating suspicion. "He isn't another leech mooching off of your food, is he?"

_Hold that thought: _another_ leech_? "Huh?"

"Don't call your Jounin-sensei a leech!" Iruka scolded. "And no, he is NOT 'another leech' as you oh-so eloquently put it!" Then he bopped the boy's head for good measure.

"_Ouch_—!" Naruto gave Iruka a dirty look. "I was just asking! You didn't hafta hit me!" Huffing, he turned to face Kakashi, rubbing the growing lump on his head rather pointedly. "Do ya have any special requests?"

Kakashi blinked. _It would appear I jumped from leech to human in his personal evolutionary chain._ "Can you make miso?"

Naruto pulled a face. "_Anyone _can make miso."

_But not everyone can make it tasty,_ "Salt-grilled mackerel?"

"Traditional type ain't ya, Kakashi-sensei?" To Iruka, Naruto half-shouted, "Are you sure he ain't a leech? You were supposed to buy salted mackerel and vegetables today. This is too much to be a coincidence, if you ask me…"

Kakashi curled his eye into an inverted 'U'. Again, it was lost to his audience as Iruka was busy bopping Naruto on the head for the second time. _I just might be able to get my favorite food _edible _and _for free _today. Ufufufu…_

"Please excuse him. He doesn't mean to be rude," Iruka apologized profusely, as Naruto stomped into the kitchen (_at last!_) while muttering something unprintable. "He just has a direct connection between his brain and mouth."

"I DO _NOT_!" Naruto shouted from the kitchen.

"Or rather, when he thinks, he must speak."

"I _SO_ CAN THINK SILENTLY!" Naruto shouted again.

"It's all right." _Though I can't say the same if it turns out he's just loud, and can't cook worth squat. _"Er, about that 'leech' comment…"

"Oh. Um, I have … quite a number of acquaintances who drop by during meal times with the flimsiest excuses," Iruka explained, "As I said before, Naruto is a _very_ good cook."

"Oh," Kakashi gave the orange pup full of energy bouncing around Iruka's kitchen a dubious look. "How long has he been cooking for you?"

"About a year and a half," Iruka grinned. "Ever since he decided, and I quote, 'you're going to kill yourself with your own cooking one of these days'."

"AND HE ALMOST DID!" the orange pup bellowed. Then he almost tripped while holding onto more knives than could be considered safe.

"…I see." Kakashi looked down at his coffee. _Escape plan A) fling self through glassed balcony. Escape plan B)…_

"Would you like to read the profiles while you're waiting?" Iruka asked over a din that sounded like a collapsing pile of pots and pans.

Kakashi looked up, just in time to see a meat knife fly above the kitchen sink and embed itself on the counter. "Yes please." _Anything that will distract me from that commotion…_

Iruka stood up and headed towards one of the overflowing bookshelves. During the lapse of thirty-two seconds, Kakashi witnessed a miniature bonfire go up and tickle the tiled kitchen ceiling, bits and pieces of pale substances he truly did not want to identify roll around the counter, and several projectiles of wine-colored liquid.

"Here you go," Iruka handed over three manila folders. He looked supremely calm even when a contained explosion lit up his kitchen like an open furnace.

Kakashi opened a file at random. As luck would have it, it was Naruto's (informal) comprehensive profile. He read the warnings (_abandon all hope ye who read this profile_), and browsed through the introduction, which described a profiling method he was not familiar with. Kakashi found himself nodding in agreement at one point; it was easy to confuse a person's communication trait with his decision-making trait, therefore both traits needed to be measured separately with caution. He skimmed through the detailed analysis, but then mentally staggered when he started reading the _Other Observations_ section.

_Surprising affinity to gardening; remarkable skill at culinary arts; catastrophically precocious in matters related to sex; worryingly comprehensive knowledge of obscure innuendos; had a crush on Matsudaira-san—_

"He's gay?" Kakashi said before he could stop himself.

"Who's gay?" Iruka looked over the folder. "Oh, Naruto's not gay. Read the fourth footnote."

Kakashi did so.

(4)_ Suo Matsudaira is a stoic man who is often mistaken as a shy woman. The first time he spoke out loud, during an assembly, several people shouted: "HOLY SHIT, SHE'S A GUY!"_

"…This Matsudaira-sensei, is he your colleague who has dark red hair?" Kakashi asked.

Iruka nodded. Kakashi was about to let loose a sigh (of relief or disappointment, none would have been able to tell), when Iruka suddenly asked: "Do you have anything against homosexuals?"

Kakashi blinked. "Huh?"

"Do you?" Iruka pressed on.

Kakashi blinked again. "No, not really…" _though I did assassinate a few key political figures who were suspected as such._ "But then again, I never think about them." _except for that one time this morning, and a few seconds ago. _"Why do you ask?"

Iruka looked at him, as if gauging his truthfulness. Kakashi commanded himself not to blush while he under the young teacher's scrutiny.

"There is a high possibility Sasuke might be gay, or bisexual."

Silence… then Naruto barreled across the kitchen yelling: "HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT!"

Quietly, Kakashi said: "Uchiha Sasuke, gay?"

Iruka nodded. His expression was scrupulously serious, but Kakashi still toyed with the idea that Iruka might be pulling his leg. He couldn't smell anything that suggested the other man was lying, but it was entirely possible the smoke billowing out from the kitchen was masking any smells of sudden perspiration.

"What made you suspect he might be gay?" Kakashi asked.

Iruka fingered his chin. "I taught sex-ed to my class about three months ago. Sasuke wasn't paying attention, but then again, he never paid attention to anything unrelated to ninjutsu. It was when I was going over homosexuality, he started to perk up like this—" Here Iruka did a good impression of what Sasuke would do when something caught his attention: with his elbows on the table, fingers laced together, hands held up to his nose, and leaning over in a brooding slouch, Iruka put his eyes downcast, then slowly looked up, gradually raising his head a little above his clasped hands. The demonstration ended when Iruka started to have a coughing fit from all the smoke.

"At first I thought he was just instinctively reacting to the words 'strong' and 'man'," Iruka eventually continued. "But he kept on listening. So I conducted a little test: I started telling the class several homophobic ideas. Sure enough, Sasuke's shoulders started to _tense_, and he was glaring _spitfire_—"

Naruto poked his head out of the kitchen and bellowed: "IRUKA-SENSEI, OPEN THE WINDOWS! YOUR BLOODY FAN BROKE AGAIN!"

"ALL RIGHT!" Iruka bellowed right back. He pressed a big red button on the wall next to the table. All the windows slid open and the ventilation fans started to turn. _Wow, neat._

"Anyway, I concluded the little test by telling them most of the ideas were bullshit," Iruka said. "He relaxed in an instant. Then he hung onto my every word while I explained why the ideas were bullshit."

"I see," Kakashi looked down at his forgotten coffee. Then he looked at Iruka. _You're good. Damn good. I can see why Sandaime would want you to teach him AND Naruto. But,_ "Why are you telling me this?"

"If I can figure it out, so can you," Iruka replied. "I wanted to make sure it won't become big problem. Sasuke certainly doesn't need another reason to isolate himself from other people, and you certainly don't have to deal with it alone."

Then Iruka smiled.

_Oh no, he's doing it again! Must… resist…_

…

"LUNCH IS READY!"

Kakashi never thought he would be happy to see Naruto step out of the kitchen. The boy was miraculously unscathed; he wasn't bleeding, or supporting burns, or missing chunks of flesh, let alone body parts. The kitchen didn't look as if it survived random bonfires, explosions and flying cutlery either. How this could be, after all that commotion and noise, was beyond Kakashi's comprehension.

"_Dozo_," Naruto said as he set down the dishes. Kakashi decided the food looked… edible and food-like. A cynic may argue how food can look anything _but_ food-like, but if they witnessed Konoha's administration canteen food even once, they would eat their words and choke on them.

Kakashi checked his audience once Naruto set down his rice bowl. Naruto had his back turned on him, blathering something about stubborn restaurant owners and the possibility of putting restraining orders on said individuals. Iruka was busy convincing the boy the unlikelihood of such an action, and wasn't looking at him at all. But even if Iruka was facing him, he'd probably close his eyes, as per shinobi home etiquette…s_o polite and disciplined…_

"Itadakimasu," Kakashi muttered under his breath. First he sampled the miso. _Mmmmm… _Then he sampled the grilled mackerel. _Mmmmmmmmm…!_ He eyed the wide array of side dishes. Half of them he didn't even know what they were, but he decided to try them all. _Mmmm, mmmm, mmmmmmmm…!_

"But he's getting really annoying, Iruka-sensei! And what if he barges in while I'm training?"

"Chase him off with a shuriken shower."

"I tried that! I even aimed at him! But he avoided them all— it was damn scary!"

"…Right. Let's figure something out after lunch. Speaking of which, shouldn't you stop filling up your bowl? It's overflowing."

"I'm a growing kid. I need a lot of food." Naruto turned around, and then stopped.

"WHERE DID ALL THE FOOD GO?" he screeched.

Iruka surveyed the table in silence. Then he glared at Kakashi.

Kakashi finished putting his mask back into place. Then, very calmly, he held up his empty rice bowl.

"Okawari."

00000  
TBC  
00000


	5. Much Ado for Nothing

_**A Different Perspective**_  
By Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Much Ado for Nothing  
00000

Genin orientation came and went. The event wasn't anything grandiose or memorable; just Sandaime and several _Tokubetsu_-Jounin 'illuminating' this year's rookie Genin of their rights (virtually nil), duties (a lot), and obligations (immense). Like all formal ceremonies, what should have been a ten-minute introductory briefing was transformed into an hour-long speech that used far too many words designed to confuse and bore. The Genin suffered it in (relative) silence, as they were trained to, and the Jounin instructors secretly marked their charges' performance under torpor. At least, the Jounin did so when they weren't despairing over their observations (Asuma), or reeling over the realization they actually had to _teach_ three of these uninformed, barely prepared twelve-year-old ninja wannabes (Kakashi).

Once orientation was over, and the required paperwork filed and distributed to the right pencil pushers, Kakashi no longer had any excuses to avoid his instructor duties. So he set up the next meeting, showed up a good seventy-five minutes late on said meeting, while trying to decide the best (evil) way to progress it. At least he had a plan on how to start.

_Step one: greet brats._ "Good morning, men." _Step two: explain why you are late._ "I got lost."

"STOP LYING WITH A STRAIGHT FACE!"

"YOUR BULLSHITTING SKILLS JUST _SUCK_!"

"Humph."

_Listen to their outrage, check. Now what to do…_ "Ahem. So you made it this far. Was orientation helpful?"

"Like hell," Naruto grumbled. "I swear Hokage ji-chan was talking like that on purpose."

_Of course he was._ "But you got something out of it?"

Sakura huffed. "If you mean anything new: no."

_In other words, you stopped listening after the first ten to twenty minutes. Bah. Well, I'm not about to spoon-feed the lot of you._ "Indeed. Well then, why don't we go over the training regimen?"

They spent the next half-an-hour going over their training regimen and timetables. As expected, neither Sasuke nor Sakura had any obligations other than their shinobi ones. Naruto, it turned out, worked evening shift at a restaurant, and couldn't train beyond five in the afternoon.

"But only for the next four weeks," he said. "I gave the owner my notice. I just need to convince his friends _I really have to quit_."

"They're giving you problems?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto scratched his head. "Well, Kurita-san is too soft-hearted to stop his friends, and there's no way to stop Hiruma-san when he makes up his mind." He sighed. "I won't be surprised if he shows up out of nowhere, sprouting something about '_spending my years of youth walking my destined path_'."

_That … sounds a lot like _**Gai.**

…_I think I just sprained something in my brain._ "I see."

Once the regular training regimen was settled and explained, Kakashi asked if the Genin had any questions, not really expecting anyone to have any. His expectations were thwarted.

"How are we going to get paid?" Naruto wanted to know.

_Goes straight to the practicalities, doesn't he?_ "You get a flat pay of 2200 Ryo a month. For paid missions, you get ten to forty percent of the fees, depending on the ranking."

"2200 Ryo a month, and ten to forty percent commission pay…" Naruto pulled out a dilapidated agenda book from his pocket and started to write something down, most likely numbers.

"How does the ranking work?" asked Naruto.

Kakashi rattled off a short lecture on the mission ranking system, but only gave figures for D and C rank missions. "Those are the only missions you'll get assigned at this point, so don't bother complaining," he said for everyone's benefit, though addressed to Naruto.

"I know, I know," Naruto said as he scribbled away, a chewed-up pen cap clenched between his teeth. "No applicable job history, no relevant experience, and no referrals, except for maybe bastard-san over there." He stuck a thumb at Sasuke's direction. Surprisingly enough, Sakura did not protest the naming. "Just a Ninja Academy graduation diploma— no one's going to give us a high-end mission with our current specs."

_Hoh… so he understands how the job market works? I'm impressed._ Kakashi allowed himself to smile briefly. It looked like his potentially loudest source of annoyance wouldn't complain so much. At least, not like a kid who didn't know better.

_Unfortunately, I can't say the same for the other two. _Kakashi studied his two other Genin charges. Judging from the bemused look on Sakura's face, she probably didn't comprehend all the implications of Naruto's questions. _Not that a typical twelve-year-old of this day and age would know anything about war orphans and finances. Feh, who am I kidding? She probably never worked a day in her _life_. And speaking of spoiled brats…_ Sasuke was looking elsewhere, clearly not listening. _I don't even know where to start with _him…

"Hmm…" Naruto's disturbingly thoughtful noise brought Kakashi out of his musings. "Are there any low seasons?" the boy asked.

_Surprisingly thorough, aren't you?_ "Usually missions are low during winter, except for the week before New Years."

"Last minute inter-village delivery service?" asked Naruto, one eyebrow cocked up.

"Aah," Kakashi eye-smiled. _There's also guard duty, but you won't get that yet._ "Beyond that, most of the missions will be of the snow-shoveling nature, and you _don't_ want to get assigned to those."

Naruto pulled a face. "Let me guess: 'your team sucks, so we can make you shovel snow'."

"Yes." _Just insert some diabolical laughter at the end, and you get the implications perfectly._

"Okay." Naruto seemed to be calculating all the logistics. _You can do it. You'll get my mission incoming estimate. _"Can we do at least one D-rank mission every two months?" _Bingo._

"That shouldn't be a problem," Kakashi said.

Naruto looked back at Sakura and Sasuke. "Is it okay for you two?"

Sasuke just shrugged. Sakura started, but managed to say: "Um, no problem…"

Kakashi allowed himself to smile again. It looked like the teamwork was starting to emerge. At least, the pests were working on it.

It might not be too bad, training these rookies…

00000

He was wrong.

Kakashi couldn't believe it. Only five days of instruction and he was in a state of _despair_. In fact, he was starting to wonder if _anyone_ or _anything_ could be worth the aggravation.

_Okay… stop… positive thinking, man… positive thinking._

To be fair, Sasuke and Sakura were good students. That made teaching convenient, since they could fill whatever holes in his instruction on their own, and get things done quickly. If only Sasuke would stop thinking Kakashi _owed_ him training, and Sakura would stop treating the training regimen as some sort of graded exercise she could use to impress a certain indifferent boy, he'd have no complaints.

Naruto wasn't bad either. At least not as bad as everyone made him out to be. True, he was slower than his teammates, prone to bad (read: colorfully inspiring) language screeched at ear-shattering volumes _and_ far more knowledgeable at alternative lifestyle sexual activities than a twelve-year-old should. But his progress was no slower than the average Academy graduate (as Iruka-sensei assured him over dinner, with statistical proof), and he was tolerant of Kakashi's increasingly frequent visits to the Umino residence during meal times, only yelling at his Jounin sensei for not regularly pitching into the eating expenses. As for the rumors that spoke of Naruto's deviant transgender tendencies, Kakashi hadn't found any evidence to support it. The boy hadn't used his infamous "sexy-no-jutsu" around his vicinity, for one thing.

Yes, his little wannabe ninjas were not that bad. Unlike Asuma's lot, if his fellow instructor's change in smoking habits had anything to say about them. No, his charges themselves were not the problem.

It had more to do with the _people_ they were associated with…

"Naruto, remind me again: why did you decide to work for this restaurant?" Sakura asked in ominously hushed tones.

Naruto squirmed beneath her glare. "The owner hired me?"

"Couldn't you have gotten a _different_ job?" Sasuke asked this time, his tone just as ominous.

Naruto shook his head. "Kurita-san was the only guy nice enough to hire an _un_licensed, underage minor."

_And not give a flying fuck about your background so long as you could do the work. Under any other circumstances I'd call it admirable, but … oh shit!_

"Men," said Kakashi in a deceptively mild tone. "For the past five days, I have been teaching you how to survive when confronted with an unexpected and unknown situation. Can all of you name the four primary responses we covered?"

The three Genin started at the apparent non sequitur.

Sasuke eventually answered: "Attack and Defend."

"Hide," said Sakura.

"Run for your life!" Naruto finished.

Kakashi nodded. "Technically it's called 'escape', but it seems my original description made more of an impression on you." he paused. "Now, we had the fortune— or _mis_fortune, depending on your point of view— of encountering a _seriously_ **unprecedented** situation," Another pause. "What are the responses we have used so far?"

The Genin didn't seem to get where he was heading yet. But nonetheless—

"Attack, using weapons, ninjutsu, and dogs," Sasuke answered.

"Defend, using same as above," Sakura replied.

"Hide, by taking cover in forests, buildings, and sewers," said Naruto.

"Indeed," said Kakashi, "We have done all that, to no avail. That leaves us with what?"

There was an unnatural rustling up in the trees. His three pests seemed to have finally noticed the overly familiar presence approaching. They certainly looked stricken enough.

"_Running away_?" they squeaked.

"Yes," Kakashi lowered himself to a crouch. "Now hurry up and do that already."

They dispersed. Sasuke dashed into the thick of the forest, Sakura not so far behind. Kakashi raced towards the Forest of Death, Naruto draped over his left shoulder like a sack of potatoes. The boy didn't complain about the treatment, and said:

"Sorry about this, Kakashi-sensei."

"Don't mention it," and Kakashi meant every word. After a bout of tree leaping, he added: "I want that orange steak thing this evening."

Naruto sighed, "Fine. But bring your own beef."

Kakashi beamed, "Deal."

His smile became fixed when he heard series of sharp explosions, followed by someone shouting:

"YA-HA! Passion, skill, and artistry! Such is a master chef! You have the skills and talent— all you need is experience! **JUST GET BACK HERE AND FOLLOW YOUR CHOSEN PATH, DAMN IT!"**

"Oh _hell_," Naruto whimpered.

_Yes, 'Oh hell.' Of all the nice people in the world who could have hired Naruto, why did it have to be a chef who has that _**nutcase**_ for a friend?_

00000

The sympathetic (but EVIL) friend of Naruto's employer attacked Team Kakashi for two weeks on a daily basis. They might have toughed it out, but on one fine morning a prematurely-aged construction worker (whom Naruto addressed as Musashi-san) paid them a visit. His gruff but earnest words easily capitulated Naruto, who agreed to work lunch and evening shifts on Weekends, except when he was on duty.

"I know you're part of Hiruma-san's conspiracy, but what can I do?" said Naruto, as he shook hands with Musashi. "It's not like I _wanted_ to leave Kurita-san in the first place."

Later Kakashi would wonder just how big of a conspiracy Hiruma cooked up, because Sandaime assigned Team Seven their first mission the day after Naruto took care of the Chef Problem. '_Clean up Kobayakawa River and report any damages to Ikkoku bashi (One Stone bridge)_' was the short mission description. A D-rank amongst D-rank missions, if there was such a subcategory. At least the mission took them to the wild borders of Konoha, which meant it was unlikely they'd be ambushed by civilians who were far more knowledgeable in explosive projectile weapons than it should be allowed.

The mission started drolly: it was unusually warm for a late October morning, and Kobayakawa River didn't look as small and narrow as its name implied. Then the Genin belatedly realized they didn't know how much area they had to clean.

"Start picking up the trash beneath the bridge. I'll tell you when you can stop," Kakashi told them. That brought up a lot of protests regarding ambiguity and tyranny, but when Kakashi blithely asked if they wanted to clean the entire strip, they shut right up.

The Genin spent the entire morning rummaging around the river, while Kakashi watched their progress at shore, under a comfortable shade. Kakashi might have been distracted a few times, but he didn't miss any of the moments when one of the Genin made a fool out of himself (i.e.: Naruto experimenting on creative uses of ninjutsu), or when the three of them commiserated together to find ways to finish the job early. Kakashi's favorite moment was when a creative soul decided to make two loads of trash each round, kawarimi himself to the designated trash disposal area holding onto one load, leave the load there, and kawarimi himself back to the river by switching places with the second load. This innovative transportation method increased the cleaning pace, but its effective speed up didn't compare to Naruto making two dozen Kage Bunshin helpers.

Around noon, Kakashi judged Kobayakawa River clean enough for the time being. The exhausted Genin had just settled down for lunch, when they were approached by three pests hiding inside a cardboard box…that had two big sight holes…and its sides painted to look like…something… arguably a rock.

Naruto noticed the box and _roared_.

"_Damnit_, KONOHAMARU! I _TOLD_ YOU NOT TO COME HERE!"

The box stopped moving. High-pitched, mischievous giggling penetrated the heated air. Kakashi closed his eyes and lifted his silent complaints to the skies. His complaints doubled as the sharp tang of gunpowder reached his nostrils. Three imploded smoke bombs later he got the visual of the three unexpected pests. Kakashi despaired when he realized one of them was the spoiled grandson of Sandaime.

"Naruto niichan, you were supposed to play Ninja with us!" Sandaime's grandson shouted, pointing his forefinger at Naruto dramatically.

_You came all the way from the village to tell him _that? Kakashi thought incredulously.

Naruto glowered at the little boy. "I'm on duty. I can't play with you."

"Then buy us lunch to compensate!"

A vein on Naruto's temple twitched. "Why should I?"

"Penalty for not keeping your promise," grandson grinned.

The aforementioned vein on Naruto's temple _bulged,_ "GIMME A _BREAK_, KONOHAMARU! I exist on almost nothing! I'm barely alive! I'm not like you lucky brats who get to eat just for breathing!"

Konohamaru was not impressed. "You're getting paid more now. I know so."

"You're talking about money I haven't gotten yet," Naruto growled, "And even if I had that money, I ain't buying you."

Sakura looked up from her futile efforts to offer Sasuke her extra, specially prepared o-bento. "Oh for goodness sake Naruto, it's just a lunch."

"It's _not_ just a lunch," said Naruto, quelling a little at her chiding, but standing firm. "These little monsters _always_ order the most expensive stuff. I'll end up spending half of my utility fees budget — _if _I'm lucky."

_Wait a minute…Utility fees?_ Kakashi opened his eye. "I thought you lived in the orphan dorms, Naruto."

Naruto blinked once. "Yeah, but I didn't qualify for the orphan fund."

Kakashi frowned. "Are you paying for room and board too?"

Naruto blinked again. "I am. Why do you ask?"

Kakashi sent his eye heaven upward, "Just wondering."_ Fucking hell, so that's why he's been working since age ten. Some asshat's been fucking him over._

Naruto gave Kakashi a strange look before he turned to the three ignorant eight-year-olds, who were now in a defensive huddle. "Listen, you twerps: I ain't gonna buy you lunch, but I _can_ fix you something for lunch. Just catch as many crickets as you can, and hand them over to me."

"Are you going to _cook_ the crickets?" asked the lone girl of the group, looking faintly disgusted.

Naruto smirked. "No Moegi, even I'm not that desperate." He patted her head, earning a happy smile in return. "Now, what are you waiting for? Get to work!"

The kids scattered after wailing the inevitable, long-drawn "Haaaaai!" Naruto watched them fumble in the field of tall yellow grass until they vanished from sight. Then he went for his bag and pulled a mean-looking cleaver knife and a blackened pot out of it. He set aside the latter, and headed towards a wild grove of bamboo growing some distance away with the knife in his hand. Naruto inspected a few thick bamboo poles until he settled for a particularly fat one. A single stroke of the cleaver knife had the large specimen falling to the ground. Naruto sliced five nodes off the large bamboo, picked up a skinny bamboo pole from the ground, and carried the lot back towards the river. Back at the river bank, Naruto sliced the five bamboo nodes into neat vertical halves. He made four pairs of chopsticks with one half-node, painstakingly carving each to the right thickness and length. When he was finished, Naruto arranged the remaining half-nodes into a circle, placing a pair of chopsticks in each.

Naruto was in the process of making a fishing rod with the thin bamboo pole and nin-wire, when he was interrupted by a stampede of footsteps.

"Naruto niichan, we got the crickets!"

Everyone looked up and found the three eight-year-olds brandishing handfuls of crickets each. Kakashi snorted when he realized the boys even stuffed their _pockets_ full of the insects. _Ah, to be young again_.

Naruto gave them a bemused smile. "Good job. You can dump 'em here." He held up the bamboo half-node he used to make chopsticks, into which the children deposited their hoards. The few crickets that still had some life left in them desperately hopped away. The boys promptly chased after them. Naruto took the opportunity to finish attaching the nin-wire at the end of the improvised bamboo fishing rod.

"All set. Now let's go!" Naruto announced. He marched towards the river, the three youngsters following behind him like ducklings. At the river, Naruto tied a fat cricket to the end of the nin-wire before casting the line. To Kakashi's mild surprise, rather than sinking the bait into the river, Naruto let the cricket skim just above the water's surface. Kakashi was further surprised when a fish tail breached the river's surface and smacked the cricket, before taking the bait.

"Ha! Gotcha!" Naruto pulled the line, dragging the fish to shore. The three kids squeaked and applauded as Naruto plucked his prize— a handsome red-bellied fish—off his line.

"Your turn, Konohamaru," said Naruto as he handed over the fishing rod to the boy, "Y'saw that, right? Inagi fish like to smack the cricket with their tails before eating them underwater. So when you hear the splash, count to three _before_ ya yank."

Konohamaru nodded, and aimed the rod with an intense look of concentration on his face. His first cast sent the cricket straight into the water.

"Don't chuck it so hard! Let it float over there, float!"

The second cast sent the cricket gliding above the water, but a fish snatched the bug off the line before Konohamaru had the chance to pull. It took Konohamaru four more tries and a lot more crickets before he caught his first fish.

"I got one! I got one!" the boy crowed, swinging his prize as he jumped around in joyful circles.

Naruto grinned, "Yes, congratulations, Konohamaru. Now get back here and let Udon and Moegi have a go." Konohamaru whined against the injustice of it all. "What are you talking about? Of course I'm being fair. I'm working under the principle of 'Taking Turns'." When Konohamaru didn't budge, Naruto plucked the rod out of the boy's hands and held it beyond his reach.

"Now, I have to leave you three here since I need to prepare our meal," Naruto said. Kakashi had to choke back his laughter when he saw the fantastically devious look that spread across Konohamaru's face. "If I see someone hogging the rod, I'm throwing the fish back into the river. And believe me, I _will_ find out." Naruto turned around and shouted: "RIGHT, KAKASHI-SENSEI?"

Kakashi nodded solemnly. The youngsters quickly swore to all things sacred and holy that they would share. Naruto nodded at them. "Excellent. Good luck fishing. I'll be back in thirty minutes."

Naruto headed back to his team, leaving the fishing rod in the hands of the bespectacled boy with a runny nose. Naruto scowled and blushed at the same time when he got close enough to notice Sakura and Sasuke were staring at him.

"What?" he asked.

"N-Nothing!" Sakura said, shaking her head furiously. Sasuke just looked away and scowled.

Naruto shook his head. Then he headed off to the field of tall grass.

The remainder of Team Kakashi sat in silence. After a few exchanged glances, and longing looks at the river where the three uninvited brats were fishing, all three of the stood up and headed towards the grove of wild bamboo.

00000

They ended up spending the afternoon fishing.

Kobayakawa River was absolutely running with Inagi fish, so they caught quite a hoard. Naruto showed off his culinary skills by producing a variety of mouthwatering dishes, despite the fact he only had fish, bread and butter (his old lunch), wild turnip and onions, and standard issue salt and pepper at his disposal. Sasuke and Sakura actually abandoned their own lunches in favor of Naruto's cooking. But as Konohamaru pointed out, there could be no other choice if it was between Naruto niichan's cooking and the weird stuff the pink haired neechan brought.

_(Sakura, of course, slugged the boy for the insult. That sent Konohamaru wailing for his niichan. Naruto answered his cries of distress, but not before he lectured the boy that one must never insult someone else's cooking, no matter how disgusting it actually was. Naruto got his face punched in for his sage advice and Konohamaru added a twisted ankle to his list of injuries.)_

They left Kobayakawa River at around four in the afternoon, just after Ebisu, Konohamaru's personal trainer, descended upon the group full of wrath and fury. The man hounded Naruto for Konohamaru's disappearance and injuries, but stopped when Sakura claimed responsibility for the latter and Kakashi explained the reasons behind the former. As Ebisu looked suitably abashed at the correction, Kakashi decided not to add him to his list of people Who Shall Suffer Tonight.

All in all, the mission was far more successful than Kakashi expected. Sasuke relaxed enough to indulge in play. Sakura was seriously re-evaluating her opinion towards Naruto. And Naruto… well, Kakashi wasn't sure what Naruto got out of the mission, but he was happy to learn of the brotherly relationship between Naruto and Konohamaru. It made him wonder, though, how this could be when Naruto lived almost his entire life a social pariah.

"What are you laughing about, Konohamaru?"

Naruto's voice wrenched Kakashi out of his musings.

"Nothing," Konohamaru mumbled into Naruto's neck. The boy had stubbornly refused Ebisu's offer to teleport him home, and whined until Naruto agreed to carry him back to civilization. "I was just thinking how you sounded a lot like Iruka-sensei."

"Ya think?" said Naruto, amused.

Konohamaru nodded, "Uh-huh, especially when you yell."

Naruto snorted but didn't say anything about the comment.

They separated at the Administration Building. Sasuke left in a hurry, as if he couldn't get away fast enough. Sakura didn't follow him, and actually bade Naruto farewell. Ebisu wrenched Konohamaru off of Naruto's back, apologized to Kakashi for the seventh time (he counted), before teleporting away. Udon and Moegi left saying their goodbyes. That left Kakashi and Naruto standing side-by-side.

Kakashi was aware he had long since missed his cue to vanish. Yet, for some reason, he was reluctant to disappear from the stage just yet.

"Are you coming for dinner?" Naruto asked after a length of silence.

Kakashi flapped a hand. Naruto sniffed and started trotting towards the Ninja Academy. Kakashi followed.

Afternoon classes were almost over by the time they arrived. Kakashi spotted Iruka-sensei at the field, directing what looked like a fresh batch of Academy students. Kakashi drifted towards the field, as if he was heeding a siren's call, though the 'call' itself was nowhere near beautiful.

"MONTAROU! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO CLIMB ON THAT?"

"DAIGORO! GET BACK INTO LINE!"

"Looks like he's taming the beasts," Naruto remarked. "Wow, they're still wild. I better go help him."

Naruto skidded down the small hill between the school building and the training field. Iruka looked back and flashed Naruto a welcoming smile.

Iruka turned his attention back to his students. They were sitting, panting on the dirt grounds and protesting against the torture their teacher was putting them through.

Iruka crossed his arms. "What are you talking about? Of course I'm not 'torturing' you sorry lot. I'm merely following the rule: 'A Ninja must train both mind and body'."

Right on cue, Naruto stepped in, all sympathetic eyes and understanding. "Na, Iruka-sensei, they really look tired. Why don't you let them rest a bit before they finish their laps?"

_Why that little … _Kakashi swore he could see the little devil horns peeking out of Naruto's head. Oblivious to their senpai's treachery, the students murmured their agreement while trying to look as exhausted as possible.

"_No,_" Iruka barked. "They only have twenty more laps to finish. It won't take them more than fifteen minutes if they make an effort."

The students' protests rang long and loud. Iruka waited until the last whine died down, and declared:

"If you don't start running _now_, I will be forced to take _drastic measures_."

A ripple of uneasiness spread through the students. Then Naruto's eyes went round with apparent horror. The rest of his expression managed to filter through his face wrappings, and strike fear into the hearts of all children.

"Iruka-sensei, you don't mean _that_ do you? Please, anything but THAT…"

Iruka nodded solemnly. Naruto grabbed his head between his arms and wailed: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The children's terror was complete. They ran as one around the training field, rooster-tailing dust behind them. In ten mere minutes they finished their twenty laps, and when they were done the beasts were considerably tamer. Iruka let them go, patting the head of each and every one of them with an aggressively benevolent smile on his face.

After the last child was out of sight, Iruka turned around to re-enter his classroom. And found himself face-to-face with Kakashi who was staring at him with the sort of intensity that was unnerving.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Iruka's eyes were wide, which made him look so much younger. "Um, why are looking at me like that?"

Kakashi stared at him a few more seconds. Then he beamed. "Oh, I was just thinking what a great teacher you are."

The unexpected compliment brought a blush to Iruka's face. Not his usual blushes either, but the rare ones that started at the bridge of his nose and slowly spread across his cheeks. Both men just stood there, frozen, neither knowing what to do next.

The moment was rudely broken when Kakashi jerked forward from the kick Naruto delivered to his bum.

"FOUL BEAST!" roared Naruto. "THAT'S LOW EVEN FOR YOU!"

Kakashi held his breath._ If he really is as precocious as Iruka said he is…!_

"I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU SUCK UP TO IRUKA-SENSEI! I'M NOT LETTING YOU GET AWAY FROM THE _EATING EXPENSES!"_

Kakashi faltered. _Ah, the joys of having a one-track mind… _

00000  
TBC  
00000


	6. Hook, Line, Sinker

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Hook, Line, Sinker  
00000

For Team Kakashi, time passed quickly after Hiruma's ambushes ceased, and the rookie Genin got used to the missions and Kakashi's training methods ("Keh." "_What_ training methods?" "Hasn't anyone told you there's a difference between instruction and psychological torture?"). Once the alternating cycle of training and duty-calls settled down to a regular routine, the hours were noted in blocks and days were counted in clusters. And before they knew it, New Years was at hand. ("It's already the end of _December?_ What the _feck_ happened to _NOVEMBER_?")

Not that the upcoming holiday meant much. Team Kakashi worked/trained until the last day of December, and stopped only because their training area(s) got snowed in. Even so, the family-less three parts of Team Seven unanimously rejected the lone family person's pleas for R&R. ("Humph." "It's too late to request R&R." "This is better than working overtime at Kurita-san's catering.") Her earnest invitations to join her family get-together were also repeatedly ignored. Then she decided enough was enough, and just dragged the boys by the scruff of their mufflers. Kakashi might have been dragged off too, but he teleported away before Sakura could reach for his flack jacket.

_Well that's one disaster averted_, thought Kakashi as he watched Sakura politely shove her teammates inside her house at a safe distance. _But now my plans are shot. _He'd been looking forward to seeing (and tasting) Naruto's holiday cooking this year, so much so that he had preordered **Rai**-**no**- **Kuni**'s famous _Kaminari o-Sake_ two weeks prior as a peace offering. Now the good sake was going to waste.

Or was it? He wasn't planning to give the _sake_ to Naruto (heaven forbid!). It was Iruka's present. So he might as well give it to him. Maybe pick up some takeout while he was at it. He had a tab to pay anyway. (As Naruto kept reminding him, complete with records. Seriously, if his Ninja career fell through, Naruto could always be an accountant…_Sheeeyeah._)

Kakashi went through a mental list of restaurants, and somewhere in the recesses of his mind the name '_Ichiraku_' surfaced, followed by a vague recollection that eating there was one of Iruka-sensei's favorite pastimes. Though Kakashi had never been there, let alone tasted the food, the association was enough to convince him that that was the place to go.

He was pleased at what he found. _Ichiraku _was just a small out-door Ramen stand, but the food was clean and the prices were cheap. They even had a popular looking holiday special, so he ordered two of those.

"_Maido!_ Oh, and I put some free _Gyoza_ (fried dumplings), too. Enjoy!"

"Thanks, old man."

Kakashi left _Ichiraku _with a bag of takeout dangling on his left wrist, and feeling strangely elated. It was as if he turned into a kid (which he'd never been) expecting presents. The strange elation persisted throughout his trek towards Iruka's apartment. Then, about two blocks away, Kakashi stopped short, suddenly realizing he didn't _know_ whether Iruka was home or not.

And there was no reason why he should be. It was nearly eight in the evening— the New Years parties must have started by now, and Iruka seemed like the sort of person who'd be invited everywhere and by everyone. Unless he was staying at home for Naruto, which was another thing the young teacher would do. But no, Naruto said he was going to help out Kurita and Musashi this evening, and he would have told Iruka that. Without Naruto, what reason did Iruka have to stay at home? He sincerely doubted 'because Kakashi might drop by to mooch off my food' could be one of them.

Kakashi thought for a moment. It wouldn't hurt to check to see if Iruka was there or not. He was only two blocks away from Iruka's apartment after all, and if Iruka weren't there …well then, Kakashi would have something to eat tomorrow morning that wasn't from the administration canteen.

_I shouldn't be this distraught about that prospect. _Likewise, he shouldn't have been so nervous while covering the two remaining blocks. He shouldn't have been so ridiculously happy when he found the lights in Iruka's apartment were on either. He also shouldn't have been so…_skippy_…when he climbed the steps. And he sure as hell shouldn't have been so anticipatory when he rang the bell.

There were no surprises waiting for him behind the door. That is to say, Kakashi didn't see anything he hadn't witnessed before. The apartment was the same, with its overflowing bookcases, useless trinkets taking up space, broken kites and terrible photos' taped on the walls. Iruka gave him no surprises either, opening the door and smiling at Kakashi the same old way. But despite the predictability of it all, Kakashi always managed to become breathless when he came here.

"Ah, Kakashi-san, good evening!" said Iruka, smiling. "Training ran late again?"

Kakashi scratched his head, "Something like that."

Iruka's smiled grew wider. "I see." He looked beyond Kakashi. "Where's Naruto?"

Kakashi's stomach did a back flip for reasons he couldn't fathom. "The evil Holiday Spirits took over Sakura, and she kidnapped her teammates?"

Iruka laughed, "Oh, what a tragedy! Well, come on in and let this place be a refuge for your appropriately holiday-jaded spirit."

Kakashi chuckled, and as he stepped in he felt a hitherto unrecognized tension that ran up his spine leave as if a healing hand soothed it away.

00000

As it turned out, Kakashi's original holiday plans _weren't_ shot completely to hell. Naruto had **PLANNED AHEAD** and stacked a great deal of food in Iruka's kitchen, so his beloved teacher would survive a village-wide snow in if need be. The problem was the little bugger prepared far _too_ much, so much that Iruka had to turn down all his party invitations to give away wherever he could and eat whatever was left.

"I guess he was thinking about the potential visitors to my house," Iruka said. "And I _did_ have quite a few of those. But I'm going to die of ruptured intestine if I eat all these leftovers."

Since Kakashi was too noble to let Iruka die such an inglorious death, and it wouldn't do if all the good food went to waste, he volunteered to help. Iruka was amused at his choice of words and said so.

The remainder of Naruto's holiday cooking consisted entirely of non-traditional, experimental dishes (Iruka couldn't find the heartlessness to give away things he hadn't tried himself). Though neither Kakashi nor Iruka were particularly adventurous when it came to food, they had fun picking out the most delectable-looking items that came with the least amount of warnings. '_Fondue Bourguignon_' was one success they were proud of, and '_Guatemoli de Rice_' was a misjudgment they Never Wished To Repeat Again. For dessert, they decided to try something called '_Saru Pān_'. It required no preparation two domestically challenged people couldn't handle, and the label sounded far more innocuous than '_Akuma-no-meshi_'.

…And they spent the rest of the evening mourning their futile efforts to STOP eating what had to be _the_ most addictive,_ UN_-nutritious food in existence.

"Do you suppose he mislabeled it?" Kakashi asked as he reached for another helping of _Saru Pān_, all the while weakly commanding himself to stop.

"I think the name is right," Iruka replied, shakily, after downing his own helping with a shot of _Kaminari o-Sake._ (The stuff tasted even _better_ this way. Thus they were doomed beyond redemption.) "I'm not sure about the warning, though."

Once there were no more addictive substances to mourn over, Kakashi and Iruka settled around the _kotatsu_ to lounge and digest. That was when Kakashi started sneezing every ten minutes. At first, Kakashi thought it was an unacknowledged cold striking back with a vengeance, but then he remembered the three nin-pups he'd left to fend for themselves.

"They must be talking about you," Iruka murmured.

"Ah—_ achoo_!— most likely," Kakashi sniffled. "Actually, I'm surprised they only started just now."

"Hmm…" Iruka looked at Kakashi through sleepy eyes. "So, how are they doing? Is Naruto getting along with his teammates?"

It might have been the _Sake_ addling his brain, or the effects of _Saru Pān_ abuse, or the sheer Iruka-ness of his surroundings, or just receiving the full blast of a drunken Iruka _looking_ at him like that, but Kakashi opted for a short progress report rather than his customary "they're doing okay."

"The teamwork is fine." _And I have Naruto to thank for that. _"Naruto has definite management skills." _He has the kind of leadership acumen you need in a work environment, but can't expect from twelve-year-old brats just yet._ "He gets the team moving and takes care of the other two." _Of course, Sasuke would rather kill himself than admit that. And Sakura is still under the illusion _she's_ taking care of _him.

Iruka blinked sleepily, and for one moment Kakashi thought he was going to smash his face on the _kotatsu_ and snore. Then Iruka's face lit up with more pride and happiness than Kakashi's sake-addled senses could possibly handle. _My eyes… My brain…!_

"That's wonderful," Iruka half-whispered, eyes closing much longer than a blink. He jerked them opened again. "Sorry. I'm a bit tired."

"Then you should sleep." _Any more drunken Iruka and my nerves will be done for._

Iruka shook his head. "No, I wanna stay up a bit more." (_Damnit!_) "What about their individual skills?"

Kakashi obligingly rattled off a disjointed summary of each Genin's progress. _Sasuke doesn't need much instruction as he needs guidance; he's mastering jutsu at a rate of one D-class per month, one C-class per quarter. Sakura's progress is slow but steady; her quality is exceptional; she just needs to work on quantity. Naruto… Well, Naruto…_

"Yes?"

Kakashi mentally slapped himself. Apparently his bout of thoughtful silence was too long, "Ah, _suman_." He thought some more. In the meanwhile, he started toying with a walnut lying on the _kotatsu_.

Kakashi wanted, oh so very much, his report on Naruto to be alike that of his other two students. Alas, if only Iruka asked him before the _Sake_, he might have come up with something. Or maybe sidestepped the question altogether. But the alcohol loosened his tongue and befuddled his brain. That was never a good combination.

"Naruto's school records being as they _are__, _I first had to check where he _really_ was. Thanks for those written tests, by the way."

Iruka nodded, murmuring 'it was nothing.' Kakashi wished Iruka would just fall asleep so he could spare him from his alcohol-induced blathering.

"Turns out he knows as much as Sakura." _That's the good news. _"He needs some help with his Taijutsu form, but I'm not too worried about that."

Iruka smiled. "What else did you find out?"

Kakashi had a feeling he should shut up, but his mouth now had a mind of its own. "He has access to a crazy amount of Chakra, but I expected that." _Here comes the bad news_. "In comparison, his Chakra-control is…" he couldn't continue; he got phantom frustration hives just thinking about it.

"Appalling?" Iruka suggested.

"Terrible," Kakashi agreed. "Just last week he tried a simple fire jutsu and—" he flapped a hand sideways— "Think 'rampaging flamethrower'."

Iruka winced. "I know what you mean. Any _other_ kid would have been struggling to make their fire bigger. Naruto, on the other hand, has to keep his conflagrations down."

Kakashi shook his head. "I don't think he needs to keep his strength down as much as he needs more fine-tuning control." _He has so much latent potential it almost hurts to see him unable to use it all. _"I've been drilling him on various basic Chakra-control exercises for the last two months, but I've seen very little improvement. And it's not from his lack of trying." A sigh. "Frankly, I'm running out ideas."

"Hmm…" Iruka rested his head into his folded arms. Kakashi considered this a good sign, but then Iruka mumbled something that kicked his lax brain into high alert.

"Why don't you teach him _**Heavy Chakra**_…?"

Kakashi blinked. "That's an ultimate forbidden ninjutsu with a learning fatality rate of **ninety-eight percent**." _You need top security clearance to even _try— _even I wasn't allowed to touch the subject._

"The basics aren't that risky," Iruka said in a soft voice. "I taught a little to Naruto. He did well."

Kakashi blinked again. "_You _know how to handle _**Heavy Chakra**_?"

"Mmmhmm," Iruka yawned. His eyes were almost closed.

Kakashi shook him. "Are you still teaching it?"

Iruka didn't open his eyes, but managed to mumble: "No. Stopped. Last Year. Couldn't continue."

"_Why_?"

"Naruto kept getting _sick_, and…"

"AND?" but before he could elaborate, Iruka fell into his long overdue, very untimely, drunken slumber.

00000

The first thing Kakashi did as soon as New Years morning dawned (and stopped beating his head against the _kotatsu_ for his accursed timing) was treat Iruka's hangover from hell. Then he reminded Iruka of the conversation they had last night, only to discover Iruka remembered everything _but_ mentioning the possibility of teaching Heavy Chakra. On top of that, Iruka was _most_ reluctant to pursue the idea.

"It's beyond dangerous, it's _suicidal_," he snarked.

"You did it, and you're still alive," Kakashi pointed out.

Iruka was adamant. "I was young and _stupid_. God knows why I'm not dead yet." Then he fell back asleep wondering why he wasn't dead _now_.

Seeing that he wouldn't be able to persuade Iruka anytime soon, Kakashi went to get the necessary security clearance. Three harassed administrative staff members and fifty plus pages of forms later, Kakashi learned he needed final approval from Konoha's sole Heavy Chakra expert: **Umino Iruka**. Thus bureaucracy emerged victorious, and Kakashi left contemplating the pros and cons of using methods that skirted the boundaries of legality and common sense.

But what finally persuaded Iruka to teach Team Seven (and its instructor) Heavy Chakra even took Kakashi by surprise.

It came in the form of an orange-clad Genin. When Kakashi came back to Iruka's apartment later that day, it was Naruto who opened the door for him. Iruka was where Kakashi last left him: at the _kotatsu_, sleeping with his head resting on the surface.

"Ohayo, Kakashi-sensei," Naruto said in hushed undertones. He beckoned Kakashi to follow him inside. Bewildered and curious, Kakashi did so.

"You mentioned **Heavy Chakra** in front of Iruka-sensei, didn't you?" the boy said once they were inside the kitchen.

Kakashi blinked. "How did you know that?"

"Iruka-sensei shouting: 'You can tell Kakashi "NO!" ' out of the blue kinda gave it away." Naruto shook his head. "Really, sensei, what were you thinking? Asking him favors before he's had his _**morning coffee**_…?"

"That was stupid of me," Kakashi agreed. _Make that beyond stupid. Someone kick me…please?_

"No arguments here," said Naruto, not unkindly. Then the boy changed his tone: "May I make an offer?"

Kakashi was used to Naruto's habit of switching subjects without warning. "What kind of offer?" he asked on beat.

"I'll convince Iruka-sensei to teach you Heavy Chakra," Naruto said. "You might have to share lessons with us— meaning me, Sakura-chan, and Sasuke— but you won't mind, would you?"

Kakashi was intrigued, and very amused. "No." _The brat is trying to bargain with me. Awwww… _"What do you want?"

"I need high-quality Java beans for Iruka-sensei. There's no way I can afford it, so you can either buy the stuff yourself or fork over the necessary funds to me."

_As if I'd give _you_ money. _"I'll get it," said Kakashi. "What should I buy?"

"La Minita Tarrazú. It's super expensive stuff, but really popular, so you'll have to hurry." Naruto pulled out a card from his inner pocket. "This is Iruka-sensei's membership card at _Kohi-no-Jutsu_. They'll give you a special discount if you show it at the counter."

Kakashi took the card. "What else?"

"I need permission slips for some restricted materials in the Konoha Ninja Library." Naruto wrote down it down in his agenda book, and tore off the sheet for Kakashi. "Here's the list."

Kakashi read it through. "You have to be a registered medical ninja to get some of these."

"Can you get them for me?"

"I'll see what I can do." Kakashi looked at the boy curiously. "What do you want them for?"

"I have a theory I want to confirm," said Naruto. "Don't worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid."

"You better not." _Though I doubt there's anything you'd be able to do with brain anatomy textbooks except for using them as pillows._ "Is this all?"

"Just one more thing," Naruto held up his forefinger. "Tomorrow, Sasuke and Sakura-chan are going to offer you a free breakfast deal in exchange for coming on time. Do me a favor and take it."

"That's a lot to ask," _Especially if this is their idea of a cunning plan._

"Aw, c'mon, it's free food! Sasuke-bastard's paying," Naruto winked. "And _I'm_ cooking."

_That's a more tempting offer. _"You do realize this deal only stands _if_ you can convince Iruka-sensei."

Naruto snorted. "Do you think I'd make an offer I couldn't keep? I learned better than that." He flapped a hand. "Even if I can't hold up my part of the deal, you'll still have a bag of Iruka-sensei's favorite coffee. You can always use it to get back to his good graces, you know." _True._ "Speaking of which, shouldn't you be getting the coffee?"

"Ah, of course," And Kakashi quietly vanished in a puff of smoke.

He reappeared in front of _Kohi-no-jutsu_, Konoha's premiere coffee retailer. Just as he was about to enter the shop, Kakashi realized what just happened.

_That little BASTARD! He _made me _go buy the coffee myself, _deliberately_ kept asking for things I'd grant with or without a bargain, and tacked on the free breakfast deal in the end so I'd say 'yes' out of reflex!_

What was more, he swallowed it all, hook, line and sinker!

Kakashi didn't know whether to laugh at Naruto's sneakiness or cry at his lapse of stupidity.

In the end Kakashi laughed, and bought La Minita Tarrazú as he promised. The stuff was _expensive_, even with a discount, but now that he knew how masterfully he had been duped, he wanted to see whatever else Naruto had up his sleeve.

00000

He was not disappointed.

From Iruka's small apartment veranda on which he staked out, Kakashi watched Naruto brew coffee like a professional: he left the kitchen door wide open, so the sound of the working coffee machine would summon Iruka's wandering soul, and the aroma would raise him from the dead. Once Iruka was back in the land of living (but not yet fully operational), Naruto acted like the best nurse-maid a coffee addict could hope for— pouring cup after cup of top-class coffee without saying a word until the caffeine finally hit the young teacher's system.

The moment Iruka had enough wits to say 'arigato', Naruto was on the hunt.

"You still look terrible, Iruka-sensei. Did you drink yesterday?" Naruto made a disapproving noise. "You shouldn't do that. I _know_ you don't handle alcohol well."

Iruka rubbed his temples ruefully. "Sorry. I'll be more careful next time." Then he smiled at Naruto. "How was Sakura-chan's get-together? Did you have a good time?"

"It was okay, I guess," said Naruto, scratching a temple. "I don't think Sakura-chan's parents expected me to come, but they let me in. They kept staring at me funny, though. Oh, do you know what was funny? They served the stuff I made at Kurita-san's cater for dinner! I wanted to mention it, but Sakura-chan told me to shut up."

Something in Iruka's eyes flickered, but his encouraging smile did not falter. Naruto, apparently oblivious to the flicker (and Kakashi doubted that), blabbered on.

"I wanted to help out with the cleaning after dinner, but Sakura-chan's mum told me not to bother. So I played with Sakura-chan's cousins instead. They all had to leave early, though. I kept company with Sasuke after they left," here Naruto sighed heavily. "Things were getting really cozy, when out of the blue Sasuke said he had enough of this holiday bullshit and left. That's all fine and good, but he dragged _me_ off too. I barely had enough time to say good bye to Sakura-chan's parents!"

At this point, Kakashi could almost _see_ the waves of distress rolling off of Iruka. The effects of the distress ripple were as deadly as Iruka eating cake in public, and Kakashi had to dredge out every ounce of his willpower to stop himself from barging into the apartment in a bout of unnecessary protectiveness. Having said that, he could NOT understand how Naruto was unaffected, so close to the source, face-to-face.

"Sakura-chan followed, of course," Naruto continued, looking supremely calm in the mist of such a terrible force field. "We walked around the town a little bit. Then I figured, since Sasuke would probably spend the night walking around brooding and Sakura would cry if this went on, I should take them to Kurita-san's party and cheer 'em up. It worked, I think, but then Hiruma-san got them drunk." Iruka immediately stopped the distress waves in order to decorate the _kotatsu _with spittle-coffee. Naruto giggled, but not at him. "Sasuke needs to get drunk more often. He talked more last night than he did for the last four years!"

Iruka coughed by-way of a reprimand. Again, Naruto just laughed it off, while Kakashi tried to recuperate from his forty-second exposure to Iruka's Distress Shockwave Pulsar.

"Ne, ne, Iruka-sensei, is it true Sasuke has a bloodline limit? Like the Hyuuga-clan?"

Kakashi's eye bulged. _Oh gawd… Sasuke really _did _get drunk last night!_

"…I hoped you were lying when you said Hiruma got him drunk," Iruka muttered. Naruto twittered mischievously. "To answer your question: yes, he does. A member of the Uchiha clan can develop the _**Sharingan**_."

"Heh…" Naruto sounded genuinely interested. "I also heard this eye can see through all Ninjutsu, Taijutsu, and Genjutsu. How does it do that?"

Kakashi smiled, despite himself. _He must be one chatty drunk, Sasuke-no-yatsu…_

Iruka smiled. "Well, the Sharingan gives you further insight," he said, "insomuch that you can actually _see_ the flow and movement of Chakra. So the Sharingan will let you see what's actually going on when you perform a jutsu."

"_Wicked,_" Naruto said, as he scribbled on his ever-present agenda book. "What about the copying and movement prediction ability?" he asked.

Kakashi stopped his bark of laughter just in time. _Hell, Sasuke must have told him everything!_

Iruka must have had similar thoughts because his face was unnaturally straight, while his eyes were dancing with suppressed mirth. "I'm not quite sure how it works, but I'm told the Sharingan imprints movements, and the movement that will follow, into your brain."

Naruto tilted his head. "Maybe it's like photographic memory combined with eagle vision."

"It might be," Iruka said, face still straight, "But no one knows for sure."

"I'm sure it is," Naruto insisted. "When I shift Heavy Chakra towards my eyes, everything starts to…"

Iruka's reaction to Naruto's last (as far as Kakashi was concerned, innocuous) comment was best described as: '**BANG**, _CLASH_, _**GORAAAAAAAAA**_!'

"_**NARUTO!**_ I _TOLD YOU_ NOT TO TRY ANYTHING ON YOUR OWN!" Iruka roared.

…_Scary_! "Eeep!"

"IT'S _DANGEROUS!_ I _SHOWED_ YOU WHAT HAPPENED TO THE **IDIOTS **WHO WORKED WITHOUT SUPERVISION! DO YOU _WANT_ TO _**DIE**_?"

"…But you said I had to find out what fits me—"

"_**THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT**_!" Iruka bellowed. "DAMNIT, _HOW_ MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU? HEAVY CHAKRA IS _THE_ MOST** FORBIDDEN** NINJA ART IN KONOHA! FOR A GOOD REASON! SO NEVER. DO IT. ALONE!"

_Totally scary_! "… eep."

The tirade lasted a few more minutes. In the face of this attack, even Naruto of the Iron Senses appeared powerless. Kakashi had no time or right to milk satisfaction from this observation, however, as he cowered before a sonic attack that wasn't even aimed at him.

Finally Iruka drew in a deep, calming breath. "_Takuu_," he sighed at normal volume. "Why did you have to go ahead and try out on your own? Now I have to continue those lessons!"

Naruto laughed, and got his head bopped for it. Kakashi, who wasn't following the logic at all, waited for Iruka to explain why.

But Iruka didn't. Instead, he asked Naruto when he had spare time for the next three weeks or so.

"I'm not sure," Naruto said, looking at his agenda book. "Weekday mornings I have to report in for team training, and evenings I have to deliver newspapers. On weekends I _have_ to sleep in before I cover lunch and dinner shift at Kurita-san's." He looked at Iruka. "I might be able to do it after delivering papers, but you have to cover evening shift at the Missions office this month, don't you?"

"Yes," said Iruka, glowering down at his own agenda book. "This is going to be a problem…" He pondered over it. Naruto watched him think, blinking owlishly.

Finally Iruka looked up. "Okay, how about this: I'll ask Kakashi if he's interested in taking me on as a guest trainer. He'll agree if I mention Heavy Chakra. You'll have to share lessons with Sasuke and Sakura, but you won't mind, would you?"

Naruto pulled a face, but didn't say anything. Meanwhile, Kakashi struggled to keep his eye in its socket. _Ohmygawd he actually pulled it off…_

"It'll have to be in the mornings, too," Iruka went on. "The Academy is on winter break, but I have continued education courses to attend in the afternoons…"

"That's fine," Naruto said. "We decided to have team breakfasts from now on. Naturally, I'm the designated cook. This way I won't have to cook twice."

"Team breakfasts, huh? That's nice." Iruka grinned. "Maybe that will encourage Kakashi to come on time."

"I doubt it," said Naruto, but he had to be more optimistic than he let on.

_You little bastard_, Kakashi thought, just as he slipped away. _But I have to hand it to you, you completely, totally, trapped _me.

00000

The scheduled events of New Years day and the morning after happened like clockwork. Iruka proposed the guest trainer idea when Kakashi dropped in for dinner, bearing another peace offering (coffee of course, _Sumatra _this time). Kakashi agreed. Next morning, after Kakashi showed up three hours late to the team meeting, Sakura proposed the free breakfast deal in exchange for coming early. Kakashi pretended to ponder over the deal before he agreed. Then he waited for his Genin to react.

Sasuke looked grimly smug. _Just as I thought, the free breakfast deal was _his_ cunning plan._ Lo and behold, Sakura was giving him adoring looks. _Probably agreed the moment he said it. Now my principle target: _Naruto held that indulgent air older people reserved for ignorant youngsters at play. He also picked up on Kakashi's scrutiny, and when he did, easily met Kakashi's eye, and shrugged.

_You little bastard_, Kakashi thought fondly, after Naruto looked away. _Don't think there won't be any repercussions_. And there would be. Kakashi made sure of that. _Bwahahahaha…_

00000  
TBC  
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	7. Forbidden Actions

_**A**__** Different**__** Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main****Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Forbidden Actions  
00000

Preparing repercussions for Naruto didn't require much work. All Kakashi had to do was tell Iruka what had happened _after_ he signed up Iruka as his guest trainer. No artful deception or omission was employed in the endeavor, and only cold hard facts were mentioned.

As expected, Iruka had no idea he wasn't the only person Naruto duped.

"You too? Why, that little _bastard!_" he exclaimed.

"I said that to myself quite often yesterday," Kakashi noted as a passing.

"That little bastard…" Iruka said again, dazed. Then he shook his head. "It must have been a massive trauma to your ego, Kakashi-san."

_Yes, __it __was._ "…I found it rather amusing."

Iruka narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "Really," he said. "You're taking it exceptionally well."

_No. __I__'__m __not_. "Hmmm…you think so?"

"Yes," an actual _smirk_ curled on Iruka's lips. "You're sooo not contemplating revenge, for one thing."

_Yes__ I __am. __I __want __blood__—__BLOOD!_ "I did have a couple of ideas, but they weren't feasible."

Iruka laughed outright. "So you really were duped!"

_Bingo. _"You wound me," Kakashi dolefully looked at Iruka. "You thought I was lying?"

"I wondered if you masterminded the plan," Iruka admitted. "But, I didn't think you were so reckless as to use Naruto only two hours after I said no. And if the confession is a ruse to cover your tracks, it's a damn lousy one. A Jounin of your type and calibre can do better."

Kakashi beamed. "You're as perceptive as always, Iruka-sensei."

"Oh, _shut __up_." But Iruka blushed all the same. Kakashi was pleased to note he now had some immunity against this expression. "Well, at least you figured him out on his first attempt. I was in denial for six months!"

_Ha__… __doesn__'__t__ change __the __fact __I __should __have __noticed __the__ ploy _before _I __left .__And__ I __can __recall _several _instances __where __I __might __have __been __duped__…_ "You warned me well."

"You're one hell of a flatterer, did you know that?" Iruka grinned. "So, what are you going to do?"

Kakashi pretended to think about it. "Well, I can't turn a blind eye on this. Naruto might get too used to manipulating people to get what he wants." Very seriously, he said: "_He__ needs __to __learn __that __the __consequences __can __be__ painful._"

"Indeed," Iruka said, grinning even wider. Then he asked: "_Is__ there __anything __I__ can __do __to __help __you __with __that?_"

Thus the unholy alliance between Jounin sensei and Academy sensei was made. Two teachers, one a top Jounin of Konoha, and the other a former hostage rescue specialist and Konoha's _finest_ academy teacher, united under the dark banner of 'learning through pain'.

And may God have mercy upon Naruto's soul.

00000

The day after the unholy alliance was made, and on the morning Sasuke's cunning plan was implemented (with seemingly favorable results), Kakashi announced the upcoming super-special Heavy Chakra lessons, starting this afternoon and held every morning afterwards. Sasuke and Sakura were more bemused at the once-in-three-lifetimes opportunity than anything, but Kakashi forgave their lack of appreciation. His real aim to the announcement was seeing their faces when they discovered _Iruka-sensei_ was going to be the guest trainer, and damnit, even Naruto wasn't going to shoot his expectations to hell this time round.

He need not have had to worry. Naruto actually helped his aim by continuously posing one unlikely idea about Heavy Chakra after another, thinking about the (real) dangers of learning Heavy Chakra out loud, speculating who would be so insane/scary as to learn something so potentially dangerous, and wondering why the feck this guest trainer decided to teach them. When the fateful hour came, Sakura and Sasuke were literally quaking in their boots. Then they fell on their asses babbling incoherently when Iruka showed up.

No doubt about it, Kakashi was happy to have Naruto as his student that day.

Once Sasuke and Sakura recovered from their shock, and they stopped trying to beat up Naruto for messing up their heads, Iruka started the much-anticipated lesson:

"Eh—I guess I should explain what Heavy Chakra is first," Iruka started, hands held behind his back, and looking very much like a new teacher facing his first batch of students.

"The name 'Heavy Chakra' is a bit of a misnomer, in that you're not making your Chakra _heavy_, but _dense_ and _concentrated_," he began.

No comprehension. Noticing his students' lost looks, Iruka smiled sheepishly. "Okay, let's try again…"

"As you all know, in order to perform a jutsu we first need to mix our physical and spiritual energies, and _burn_ that mixture," said Iruka. "The steam-like substance produced from this two-step process is Chakra as we know it: this fuel drives virtually all Ninjutsu.

"Now," Iruka said, sounding more in his element, "The Chakra-making policy for all ninjas of this region is what I call 'generate-on-demand'. In other words, we make the required amount when we need it." Iruka started to make some grasping gestures, like he was trying to pick up chalk. Finding no chalk and no blackboard, he returned his hand back behind his back. "Now consider this: rather than making Chakra only when you need it, why not _continuously_ cultivate Chakra and _store__ it_ in our bodies?"

"Oh!" Sakura exclaimed. "That way we won't be limited to the amount of Chakra we can make in one sitting, but the number of days we spent saving up Chakra!"

"Exactly," said Iruka. "And we can cultivate Chakra for not just days, but _years_. Just imagine how much Chakra that would be."

The Genin thought about it for a moment. Soon enough, a look of bliss spread across Sasuke's face, like he'd discovered a way to reach the Promised Land. Kakashi was tempted to laugh at him.

"From the looks on your faces, I see you noticed the advantages to this approach," Iruka said. "So let's say you want to implement it. Can anyone tell me the questions you need to address before you try?"

This time the Genin blinked, and kept on blinking. Even Naruto, who supposedly learned Heavy Chakra a year ago, didn't know the answer. _So__ much __for __his __underestimated __intelligence_, Kakashi thought waspishly.

"Anyone?" prompted Iruka.

Impatient to get the lesson going, Kakashi raised his hand. "How about, '_Where_ are we going to store all that Chakra', and '_How_ are we going to keep it there'"?

Iruka gave him a quirky and slightly embarrassed smile. "That's right," he said. Then he turned to face the confused Genin.

"We don't teach this in the academy, but there is a limit to the amount of Chakra you can keep unbound inside your body," Iruka explained. "Normally you don't have to worry about this limit, since you spend Chakra soon after you make it. But it becomes a problem once you start _storing_ raw Chakra." He took a breath. "First you run out of space. Then the unbound Chakra literally tears your body apart because it has no where to _go_."

The Genin paled in unison. Again, Kakashi had to withhold his inappropriate laughter. He must have been less successful hiding it this time, because Iruka looked at him suspiciously.

"For such reasons," Iruka continued, while keeping a stern eye on Kakashi, "The most common solution to Chakra-storing is _seals_. Depending on the seal formation, you can control the incoming and outgoing traffic of Chakra, and the storage space." He paused, and then added: "On a side note, most people only place incoming gates to their Chakra-storing seals, and release the seal altogether when they need the stored Chakra."

Kakashi nodded, only half-listening. Iruka hadn't said anything he didn't know, so he was getting bored. Though he knew the Genin needed all this background information, it didn't stop making him feel so. _I__'__m__ such __an __ass._

"Heavy Chakra," Iruka said, "is unique because it allows you to store Chakra in your body _without_ using any seals."

That caught Kakashi's _full_ attention. _Ho__…__!_

"I mentioned in the beginning that raw Chakra is like steam—a gas," Iruka continued, "Now what if you _compress_ this steam-like substance to the point it becomes a liquid?"

Kakashi's brain started clicking in high-gear.

"You reduce the total volume raw Chakra takes up," he speculated.

"Yes, that," Iruka's eyes were twinkling, "What else?"

"Since it's a liquid form of sorts, the compressed Chakra should have a different set of properties from raw Chakra."

Iruka nodded. "Go on."

Kakashi thought some more. An idea was knocking on the door to his mind, but was barred entry. _In __order __to __compress __Chakra,__ you__'__d __have __to __gather __the __maximum__ amount __you __can __generate__ to __one__ spot__…_ The knocking turned into hammering. "Wouldn't the compressed Chakra _disperse_ after you stop exerting your will to keep it there?" Then it clicked. "Unless it _doesn__'__t_…?"

"Okay. _Stop_," Naruto growled, "Back up. And explain again—with small words— in logical order," he glared at Kakashi, "and _don__'__t__ skip__ any__ steps_!"

Sasuke and Sakura didn't say anything, but their sentiment was mutual.

"Ah, sorry," Iruka apologized, though he had no reason to, "What Kakashi-sensei was trying to say is: once raw Chakra is compressed into a liquid form, it won't automatically revert back into its previous state."

"Ooooooh," said the Genin, wide-eyed.

"_Interesting_," Kakashi muttered, as he gleefully went over the possibilities. _So __many__ possibilities__… __mwahahaha!_

"Is conversion from liquid Chakra to raw Chakra still possible?" he eventually asked.

"Yes," Iruka answered, "But for reasons still unknown, once you convert liquid Chakra back to raw Chakra, you can't compress it back to liquid."

"Ah," _so__ there__ is__ a__ limit__ to __the__ number__ of__ conversions,_ "Is it possible to use liquid Chakra as is?"

"Again, yes," Iruka answered, "There are two separate schools of offensive Heavy Chakra techniques, and one medical type."

_Getting __better__ and__ better,_ "What happens if you compress liquid Chakra into a _solid_ form?"

"Well, you need at least several _hundred_ years worth of cultivated Chakra," Iruka said, "But it is told if you managed to achieve that, you become virtually _radioactive_ and _immortal._"

"Huh," _Orochimaru __would__ have__ danced__ a __polka __at __the __news_, _then __stop __dead __at __the _'_several __hundred__ years_' _requirement__ … __bwahahahaha! _"So it's not possible in a human lifetime, eh?"

"Not necessarily," Iruka replied, "You can transfer liquid Chakra to another person without any advanced medical-Ninjutsu knowledge. There aren't any of the usual dangers of normal Chakra transfusion either."

_Yep, __Orochimaru __definitely __would __have__ danced__ a__ polka__… _**naked**_. __Mwahahahaha!_" Interesting and more interesting," muttered Kakashi.

"Sensei," Naruto rudely interrupted again, "Can we start the training _now_?"

"Yeah, you're going way ahead," Sasuke agreed, "Everything you said is useless unless we can _make_ liquid Chakra."

Sakura held up her hand in a 'what he said' gesture.

_Stupid __brats,_ Kakashi grumbled mournfully, _can__'__t __they__ see __an __interesting __discussion __when __it__'__s __happening?_

"Actually, no, we can't," Iruka said, "Before I can teach you anything, I have to go over the dangers of learning Heavy Chakra. Then you need to sign these forms." He held them up. "Only _after_ I submit all the paperwork can we start."

"Eeeeeeehh…?"

"_Boo_—!"

"This is for your own safety!" Iruka growled at the Genin, "Heavy Chakra has a learning fatality rate of _**ninety-eight**__** percent**_. When I say 'learning fatality,' I'm talking about all the people who _died_ trying to learn it, and the people whose bodies were so damaged, further learning would have been _fatal_. The failures include **Sandaime**** Hokage**, a genius hailed as God of Shinobi, and **Yondaime**** Hokage**, another genius of equal repute. Only two Konoha-born ninja succeeded in mastering the _basics_: Jiraiya-sama, of the legendary Sannin, and me."

There were three hard swallows to this announcement. But Kakashi knew it wasn't going to deter the boys at all.

"I'll say this to you once and only once," said Iruka. "When it comes to Heavy Chakra, I'm bound to teach _anyone_ who has talent, even if he is an enemy ninja. But if they have no talent, I'll fail them without question. And if you're stupid enough to think you can do this on your own, remember: I will _not_ be there to save your fool-ass when you screw up."

Sakura paled. Sasuke just pursed his lips into a stubborn line. Naruto rolled his eyes at Sasuke, and Kakashi was tempted to follow his example. _Another __brat __with __a__ one __track __mind__… __Only __this __one__ runs __headlong__ into __an __abyss._

"But, as long as I am there to correct your screw-ups, you won't _die_," said Iruka, not-so-subtly emphasizing the last word. "As long as you learn under supervision, the fatality rate of Heavy Chakra _fundamentals_ is less than one percent. I even teach it to Academy students who have trouble controlling their Chakra." His eyes briefly strayed onto Naruto. Then he pulled out a bound folder. "Of course, this doesn't mean you can be ignorant of all the risks and dangers of Heavy Chakra. This scrapbook shows you what happens to the idiots who don't follow instructions. You can come take a look if you like, but I warn you, it's not for the faint-hearted."

Kakashi immediately stepped forward and took the folder. Naruto turned green and slowly backed away. Then he noticed his teammates were lining up behind Kakashi.

"Oh, shit! Sasuke, Sakura-chan, _don__'__t_! You're going to lose your lunch!"

Sasuke ignored him. So did Sakura. Two minutes later, both were puking their guts out on the snow.

"Hmm… this _is_ quite horrible," said Kakashi, blandly. "There isn't anything left worth mentioning with this guy, and—" a low whistle— "This guy looks like he… is this white thing a fractured skull part?"

"Yes," said Iruka, also blandly. "He tried pushing Heavy Chakra towards his head, and…"

Kakashi winced. "_Yuck_." Then he looked up. Naruto was standing with his back turned on the folder, ears plugged, and shouting nonsense to block all sound.

"Oi, Naruto! There are some new pictures here. Don't you want to see them?"

"NOT LISTENING! NOT LISTENING! I SOOO CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Come on, check this out! This guy tried the same thing as you, and—"

"**NOT**** LISTENING!**** I****'****M**** NOT ****LISTENING!**"

"Are you sure you don't want to…?"

"_**SHUT **__**UP!**__** SHUT**_** UP**_**!**__** YOU**__** BLOODY**__** GODDAMN**__** BASTARD!**__** I**__** HOPE**__** YOU**__** #$&#$#$!**_"

"NARUTO, LANGUAGE!"

It would take another two hours before everyone could settle down and fill out the paperwork. More specifically, it took that long for Sasuke and Sakura to get rid of all the contents in their stomachs and the unholy teacher alliance to stop teasing Naruto (who _refused_ to lose his lunch, the stubborn little brat). But, despite the dire risks of learning Heavy Charka, or perhaps because of it, everyone signed up. Thus, the first Heavy Chakra lesson in thirteen years was scheduled to commence the next morning.

00000

The momentous day did not start off well.

For one thing, free breakfast proved to be a greater hassle than everyone imagined. Sasuke's kitchen, specifically its stocking condition, didn't help any.

"There isn't anything in here!" Naruto exploded, after looking through every nook and cranny.

Sasuke mumbled something about the refrigerator. Naruto was not impressed.

"They're all instant! Or frozen! Feck, there aren't even _eggs_!" Naruto sighed dramatically. "Geez, I might have known …

"…Which I did!" Naruto thrust a thin sheet of paper into Sasuke's hands. "Here's the shopping list. Go get 'em."

Sasuke was aghast. "Now?" he asked.

"Yes, _NOW_!" Naruto barked.

"_BAKA_, the stores aren't open yet!"

"…Sasuke," Naruto said solemnly, like he was about to depart some ancient wisdom. "The outdoor market opens at five in the morning. They also have fresh produce and cheap morning prices. And if that fails, there are _convenience __stores_." He turned to Sakura, "You better help him, Sakura-chan."

One could almost see the frighteningly fast connections going through Sakura's head. "Ah, of course," she said breathlessly, "Sasuke-kun! Let's go!" Then she dragged him off.

His teammates out of sight, and out of mind, Naruto turned to his comatose teachers dozing at the dinner table. "Coffee," he said to them, hands outstretched.

They handed over their respective coffee bags without lifting their heads. Naruto took them and marched towards the kettle, muttering something profane about non-morning people and rich bastards who didn't even have coffee machines. Then he raced towards the surrounding walls of the Uchiha compound and leapt to the top. Sasuke and Sakura were a good distance away, but not beyond hearing range.

"Oi!" he called out to his teammates, "Buy some sugar and hazelnut mix too!"

"Sugar?" Sasuke howled back, "_WHY!_?"

"For the coffee, you dimwit! What else?"

"_Naruto_, don't call Sasuke-kun a dimwit!"

"What_ever_!" Naruto snarled, and then jumped down, muttering, "One down, five more to go…"

The actual breakfast making started forty minutes behind schedule, ten minutes after Sasuke came back from his (trauma induced) grocery shopping with Sakura. Naruto used the precious ten minutes to feed Iruka and Kakashi their necessary dose of caffeine, and then told them to direct all complaints to Sasuke if they didn't like their boiled coffee. Kakashi did so, leaving Sasuke to throw pointy objects at their Jounin sensei as Naruto headed back to the kitchen, now ready to get into the serious business of breakfast making.

Only Sakura wanted to help too, which was never a good thing. To make matters worse, she had that ominous air of feminine high about her.

"You met an old lady who said you two looked like a married couple, didn't you?" Kakashi said, sniggering.

Sasuke threw a chair at him.

While increasingly larger and heavier objects were hurled across the small dinning room, Naruto patiently iterated the pancake making process to an on-high Sakura. As the actual pancake making progressed, Sakura's feminine high rapidly descended down the scale until it hit feminine despair. Kakashi checked the kitchen once in the middle of Sasuke's object-throwing spree, and that split second was all he needed to realize Sakura was having an inordinate amount of trouble _flipping_ the blasted pancakes. Two minutes later there was a loud clatter, immediately followed by the sound of a shattering dish, and a palpable silence—a silence so thick and tense, Sasuke froze mid-throw.

The silence reigned.

"…Erm, Sakura-chan?" Naruto's nervous voice drifted from the kitchen, "Maybe you should check on Kakashi-sensei and Sa—I mean, Iruka-sensei."

There was another tense silence. Then Sakura hobbled out of the kitchen. She was doing fine until she came upon the table, where she collapsed into a sobbing mess. Kakashi and Sasuke, the masculine cowards that _they_ were, took a step back and just stared, as if that was going to solve the problem. Naruto, the other masculine coward, refused to come out of the kitchen until the mess was dealt with. That left Iruka, who was the only brave soul present, to sit next to Sakura and pat her shoulder until she calmed down.

After Sakura wiped her tears away, breakfast commenced in the sort of silence that better suited a catacomb.

For the record, the food was very good. Excellent really, but it was difficult to enjoy the fare to its fullest when Sakura was breaking down to pieces, as she sampled one dish after another. Any expression of enjoyment became neigh impossible after she braved a forkful of a stingy, half-burned dish Kakashi could not, for life of him, identify.

"It's all right, Sakura-chan," Iruka assured for the umpteenth time, "Not many people succeed in their first try."

"Yeah, you should have seen Hiruma-san when I started working at Kurita-san's cater," Naruto was quick to agree. "'What the _fuck_ is this _shit_? _Food?_ Fuck it; just _fire_ the damn pipsqueak, _kuso__ butama!_'"

Iruka's mug fell with a clatter. The coffee in it spread all over the table and dripped thunderously down to the floor.

"…He said _what_?"

Naruto covered his bandage-covered mouth in horror. But it was too late. Iruka heard every word.

That fateful morning, the Uchiha main compound became ground zero for the second time since its founding, as the Iruka Distress Shockwave Pulsar went off.

00000

With the morning starting off so badly, it made sense the first day of Heavy Chakra training ended in unspeakable disaster.

The first part of making liquid Chakra involved feeling through their bodies and finding the right spot to cultivate it. Apparently, the best way of doing this was submerging their bodies in ice-cold water and observing the ripples while they gathered their Chakra.

"The ripples should be coming towards you in contiguous waves," Iruka explained, "The bigger the ripples, the better the spot."

"Is the cold water necessary?" Sakura asked, quite reasonably.

"Yes," Iruka said, "You're only doing it right if you aren't _chilled_ while gathering your Chakra."

"And you're doing it wrong if you catch pneumonia," Naruto grumbled, "This is so jacked up…"

"At least you'll catch on before you get a Chakra Rebound," Iruka retorted, "This used to be dangerous, you know."

Sometime later, Iruka managed to convince everyone to change into their swimming gear and dip themselves into a pool full of freezing-cold water. Kakashi was quietly laughing at Sakura's pink bikini (even on the unlikelihood Sasuke found the female body attractive, it wasn't going to work with those molehills she called a bosom), when he noticed Iruka hadn't changed, and only shed his flack jacket and sandals.

"Don't. Even. _Think_ about it," he heard someone growl behind his back, just as the thought passed his mind.

Kakashi looked back and found Naruto glowering up at him. The glare would have been more effective had he not found it even more amusing to see the Genin out of his usual retina-burning orange outfit, and in a black sleeveless shirt and black shorts.

So Kakashi grinned instead. "Hmmm…?"

"I know what you want to say," Naruto growled, "I wouldn't if I were you. Not if you don't want to _die._"

Kakashi was not impressed and said so. Naruto snorted contemptuously.

"_Whatever_. Don't say that I didn't warn you," he waved jauntily, "I'll send the photo's to Hiruma-san."

Kakashi opened his mouth to retort when Sasuke asked to Iruka: "Why aren't you changing?"

Naruto rounded up on him in an instant. "Sasuke, _leave __it_!" he hissed.

Sasuke visibly shut up. Apparently, he remembered what happened the last time he ignored Naruto's warnings. Not hindered by such things, Kakashi repeated the question.

In retrospect, Kakashi should have known he'd done something _very,__very_ stupid.

Iruka was deeply hesitant, and that should have been enough to set off Kakashi's internal warning bells. "Well, yes, I should be demonstrating, but…" Iruka floundered. He looked at the three Genin, one of whom was dragging his teammates away from Iruka while making rude gestures at Kakashi, who was slouching in a perfectly bored, but curious, angle, and then at the cold water. Iruka capitulated. "…All right. Can you look away for a bit?"

They obliged. Even Kakashi instinctively knew he probably wouldn't survive watching Iruka take off his clothes, no matter how much of a seasoned pervert he was. _He __takes __innuendo __to __a__ whole __new__ level__…_

Turning around and finding Iruka shirtless and wearing his uniform pants low around his hips was fine. Not that Kakashi was unaffected, but the inevitable reaction wasn't anything he couldn't hide. No one else seemed to be affected, but then again, they were just children. Iruka kept his pants on while they submerged in cold water. By all rights, the bone-chilling temperature should have been enough preoccupation for their bodies.

Then Iruka took _off_ his pants.

One of the few things Kakashi would remember afterwards was how time came to a sudden, screeching halt. Then it started to tick on in excruciatingly slow beats, as he watched Iruka step out of his pants in slow-motion, revealing a pair of well formed, but normal legs wearing equally normal black swimming trunks.

His last thoughts ran somewhere along the lines of '_Looky,__ there__'__s__ stars__ on__ the __ceiling!_' before he slipped beneath the water's surface.

00000

Kakashi woke up some unknown time later, just as a camera went off a few inches from his face. He put his fist through it without quite knowing why.

"Somehow, I knew that was going to happen," said Naruto's voice mournfully.

Oh, right.

Kakashi sat up. He was, unsurprisingly, wrapped up in a thermal blanket without his mask. Next to him, Sasuke was lying on the swimming pool floor wrapped up in another thermal blanket, still out cold. Iruka and Sakura were not there.

"Where are they?" he asked.

"Who?" Naruto asked. He was crouching next to Sasuke and pinching the bridge of his teammate's nose, while thoughtfully chewing his lower lip. "Oh, Iruka-sensei left to take Sakura-chan to the hospital," the boy answered.

"Ah," Kakashi ran a hand through his half-damp, half-frozen hair, feeling more naked than he actually was. He was about to ask for his mask, and confiscate any blackmail material Naruto might have, when something made Kakashi look at Naruto again. _Really_ look at him.

No, he wasn't imagining things. Naruto had taken off the bandages that covered his face.

As expected, there wasn't anything particularly wrong with the lower two-thirds of Naruto's face: it was just a face, with an exotically shaped nose. If anything was peculiar, it was the three whisker marks on each of his cheeks, and that was _nothing_ compared to some of the more colorful citizens of Konoha. At best, a pretentious Fire Country intellectual might wonder if he had any ancestors who came across the South Sea and settled on this continent during the Great Immigration era. _People__ hide __their __faces __for __the__ smallest __reasons__…_

"Here," Naruto held up the piece of cloth Kakashi had been looking for, before he got distracted.

Kakashi took it. Together they covered their faces in silence. Then they sat staring at the empty swimming pool in the aforementioned silence.

Finally, Kakashi asked the question that had been occupying his mind for days.

"How do you do it?"

Naruto looked up. "Do what?"

"Stay unaffected."

"Oh, _that_," Naruto stared at him strangely a few more seconds, then started scratching a cheek, still looking a bit bemused. Eventually he answered: "I don't know. It just never affected me like everyone else."

Kakashi let out a disappointed sigh.

"But I know all of Iruka-sensei's Forbidden Public Actions. Would that help?"

Kakashi lifted his eyebrow skeptically, though he was deeply intrigued, "You know _all_ of them."

"I have the most up-to-date list," Naruto fished out his agenda book from his puddle of clothes, and leafed through it, "You might _think_ Harada-sensei has a greater authority, but he only got to know the stuff 'cause he confiscated my notebook eight months back."

"Did he now…" Kakashi eyed the notebook keenly. Naruto held up the book to his nose and let him read a couple of pages. The pages (which smelled of hairspray) were filled with all sorts of informative things: _Item__ #12: __never, __under __any __circumstances, __mention__ '__aviation __machine__' __in __Iruka-sensei__'__s __presence. __Bad __Things __Happen. __Corollary __#1: __Do __not __get __involved __with __his __aviation __experiments.__ Even__ Worse __Things __Happen.__ Corollary__ #2:__ Do__ not __let __him__ come_ _near __an __aviation __machine. _Nothing _will __stop__ him__ from__ trying __it __out. __And_ you _will __get __hurt__… __badly._

By the end of two pages, Kakashi's eye was sparkling. "May I borrow this?"

"Hell _no_," Naruto snapped the book close, and held it to his chest. "You _still_ owe me those permission slips. _And_ you owe me a camera."

Kakashi glowered down at the boy. "Did I mention how much I hate you?"

"You just did," Naruto pointed out.

Kakashi grabbed Naruto's head, still glowering. "What's to stop me from just taking that book from you?"

Naruto snapped open a Zippo lighter and held his notebook close to the fire. Kakashi could smell the flammable hairspray soaked into all the pages.

Sensei and student glared at each other: Deadlock.

Kakashi took his hand off of Naruto's head. "I _hate_ you," he growled, "What do you want?"

Naruto grinned.

00000

"This is awfully generous of you, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi flapped a hand. "Iyaaaa— eating good food is the best way to end a day gone this badly."

Naruto drank his tea pointedly and loudly, but didn't say anything. Kakashi gave him The Finger under the table. _This __means __WAR, __boy__…_

Sukiyaki for Team Seven plus Iruka-sensei was part of Naruto's bargain. Not sukiyaki specifically, but a nice dinner. Of course, that wasn't the end of the deal. After promising to take them out to dinner, and while Kakashi fixed Naruto's camera, the evil little bastard asked Iruka how Kakashi-sensei looked under the mask in the presence of his teammates. When Iruka refused to answer, he mentioned fish lips and horse teeth. That flamed Sasuke and Sakura's curiosity, which was why those two were staring at him now, while utterly failing to hide the fact they were, in fact, staring.

Fortunately, Kakashi had a powerful ally at his side.

"Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke," Iruka said sternly, "I know you're all very curious, but there is something called _shinobi__ home __rules,_" His glare made all three of his former students cower in their seats, "And there are some things that you simply Need. Not. Know." Another glare that screamed 'DOOM', "Do I make myself clear?"

The three Genin nodded frantically.

But like all lectures on etiquette, shinobi home rules were completely forgotten the moment dinner commenced. But since no one really _cared_ about Kakashi's face once they started fighting over the food, it didn't really matter. So the dinner passed without anyone taking a peek at Kakashi's face, no one was reprimanded for bad manners, and only Kakashi got his hands slapped for assaulting the dishes too quickly.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	8. Legacy of a Legend I

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Legacy of a Legend I  
00000

"Yo, Kakashi. S'up?"

Kakashi didn't look up from his book as he waved his hand in the general direction of Asuma's voice. He heard two people settle down on the couch across him shortly afterwards. A whiff told him the second person was Kurenai, so he wrenched his eye away from his book long enough to acknowledge her presence, before returning to his book.

There was a brief silence while Asuma and Kurenai privately dealt with Kakashi's rudeness.

"That's not your usual reading material," Asuma noted eventually.

Kakashi shook his head.

"Is it for a mission?"

Kakashi turned a page, and answered: "Something like that."

There was another bout of silence. Then a shadow fell over Kakashi's book. Kakashi looked up and found both Asuma and Kurenai hovering above him, close enough to make him feel pressured without stepping into lethal striking range.

"Do you _mind_?" he asked, exasperated.

"Yes," they answered simultaneously. There was a definite smirk on Asuma's face. Neither moved an inch.

At length Kakashi sighed, marked the current page, and closed the book. Only then did Asuma and Kurenai return to their seats. "Can't a man enjoy his book in peace?" he complained.

"Nope, sorry," Asuma said. "What were you reading, anyway?"

"I don't know. I was just looking at the pretty pictures," said Kakashi. And before either Jounin could express their incredulity, Kakashi asked: "How are the kids?"

Asuma shrugged, "Bored and annoying."

"They're fine," said Kurenai. "How are yours? Are they holding up after that mission at Wave Country?"

Kakashi leaned into the couch, completely relaxed and unperturbed. "The brats are fine." No comments about the much discussed C-rank turn A-rank mission, of course.

The three Jounin regarded each other in silence.

Then Asuma took in a deep drag from his cigarette, and let out the gust of smoke.

"Okay. Let's cut the crap," he said. "Are any of you recommending your team for the upcoming Chuunin exam?"

"I am," Kurenai admitted. "They're better than I thought," she added.

"Same here," said Asuma. "What about you, Kakashi?"

Kakashi fingered his chin. "I think I will."

"So they've been worth your trouble?"

Kakashi's eye formed a happy curve. "Let's just say I found some unexpected talent," he said.

"You too?" Asuma sounded intrigued. "What kind of talent?"

"No comment until you spill first."

"Fine," Asuma tossed his cigarette stub into the ashtray next to him. "I found the best Shougi player in Konoha."

"Really," This time Kakashi sounded interested. "I found the best poker player in Konoha."

"_Hoh…_"

"What does Shougi and poker have to do with their skills as a ninja?" Kurenai asked. "They're just _games_."

Kakashi gave her a hooded look that said 'you don't get it?'

Asuma, who was more gentlemanly, explained: "Shougi and Go have their roots as a device for tacticians to plot their wars with," he said. "And poker is a social game that's one part luck, one part math, and one part strategy."

"I'd say poker is one part uncertainty, two parts strategy and three parts guts, but that would do too," Kakashi said.

Kurenai was unimpressed. "That's a lofty way to describe mock-battle and gambling."

"But it's true," said Asuma. "For both cases, you need strategic thinking to steer the game towards your advantage. They require different types of strategy, though. For Shougi, your opponents' status is out in the open, whereas poker you have to guess from your hand and the cards on the table…"

"Alright, so you can find a person's tactical ability through Shougi, I'll give you that," said Kurenai, "But _poker_?"

Asuma grinned. "If I said Kakashi won the annual poker tournament in Konoha five years running, would that mean something to you?"

Kurenai blinked, rather slowly.

Satisfied with her reaction, Asuma turned back to Kakashi. "So how did you find this talent?"

"That's a secret." Kakashi picked up his book and stood up. "My downtime is over. Have a good evening." Then he vanished with a puff of smoke and a lingering smell of sulfur.

When the smoke faded away, Asuma looked at Kurenai with something akin to awe.

"Is it just me," he said, "or did Kakashi sound like a proud papa?"

00000

_I'm really out of shape_, Kakashi thought mournfully outside the Jounin building. _In my prime, I would have kept all that info even under the threat of nails and heated candles. _But he couldn't help it. He was pleased as punch with his brats at the moment, though he would _never_ say that out loud, prime condition or no prime condition. At least the two inside the lounge were likely to draw the wrong conclusion from his remarks. _I can't wait until they figure out who I'm _really_ talking about … bwahahahaha!_

Chuckling in a sinister tone that befit evil overlords, Kakashi strode towards the final stop of his off-duty days.

Kakashi was only mildly surprised when Iruka greeted him wearing an apron.

"Naruto's not cooking today," the young sensei announced.

This was becoming a fairly common occurrence. Ever since the Heavy Chakra lessons started, true to Iruka's word, Naruto got sick at a rate of once or twice a month. The first time it happened, Iruka and the rest of the team had rushed to Naruto's apartment and rescued the boy from drowning in his own vomit. Iruka damn near cancelled the lessons there and then, but Kakashi convinced him otherwise; wasn't it his duty, as an instructor, to find out _why_ his student kept on getting sick? So the lessons continued, but far more cautiously. Then after two months of anal retentive observation and statistical analysis, Iruka managed to narrow down the contributing factors of Naruto's sickness to 'mastering a new technique' and 'Heavy Chakra overuse'.

For once, Naruto listened to his teachers and started to practice restraint with his Heavy Chakra training. So the times he fell ill because of Heavy Chakra overuse were rare. But since he was going through the lessons at one or two new techniques a month (this sounded fancy, but it wasn't anything that looked impressive), he got sick all the same. And just recently, during the simple escort mission to Wave Country that went desperately awry, he got sick as the proverbial dog after mastering _two_ new techniques _and_ overusing Heavy Chakra in the same week.

Therefore Kakashi wasn't all that surprised or disappointed at the news. "Still sick?" he asked.

"He has a mild fever," said Iruka, "And he's still having trouble keeping anything down, including medicine."

"He can drink sweet fluids, though?"

"Yes."

Kakashi held up the shopping bag he'd been keeping behind his back. "Maybe this will help."

"Canned peaches?" Iruka said, taking out the contents.

"My sensei used to give them to me whenever I went down with a cold."

Iruka looked up sharply. "Your—" then he stopped, and turned his glance back to the cans. "Eh, maybe if I mesh up the peaches, he'll be able to drink it with the juice."

"Maybe," Kakashi agreed. He sniffed the air, "Ramen?"

Iruka's cheeks tinged pink. "I was tired of instant rice."

Kakashi didn't mind. He'd been feeding himself since age six, been on field missions since age eight, so he could eat maggots if need be. And Iruka was a far better cook than Naruto gave him credit for.

Dinner was a quiet affair, without Naruto rampaging inside the kitchen but harming nothing. Talk was sparse too, without Naruto jabbering twenty miles an hour and eating just as quickly. But since Kakashi had never been the type for small talk, and Iruka never insisted on small talk, it really didn't matter. In any case, the serious talk always started after they settled down for tea and mochi.

In compliance to routine, the big questions were posed after dinner.

"Can you tell me what happened to Naruto?" asked Iruka.

Kakashi looked up from the brim of his teacup. "In terms of the mission or Heavy Chakra?" he asked.

"I…" Iruka cleared his throat. "If you can't explain without mentioning the mission, then…"

Kakashi put down his teacup. "I can tell you about the mission."

Iruka shook his head. "I don't want you to risk censure."

"Don't worry about it. The most I would get is a verbal warning," Kakashi said dismissively._ You're not going to tell anyone, so that's not going to happen. And I'll end up telling you sooner or later, voluntarily or under the Influence._ So before Iruka could protest more, and his behavior patterns could start shifting towards the Forbidden Public Actions category, Kakashi went ahead and explained:

"I drilled the Genin on _kinobori_ (Chakra aided tree climbing) in preparation for battle. Naruto was having a lot of trouble, per usual, until he got the brilliant idea of sending Heavy Chakra towards his feet and making a uniform layer of raw Chakra with it," said Kakashi. "He mastered _kinobori_ in three days. That was pretty smart of him, huh?"

"That was _stupid_," Iruka growled. "You know the risks…"

"He did get sick for two days afterwards, but I think it was worth it," Kakashi pinned a look at Iruka. "You should cut some slack on those restrictions, sensei, or he won't grow."

"But…" Iruka protested.

"He has talent, and you know it," said Kakashi. "Trust him a little."

Iruka blushed and started scratching his cheek, like he always did when he was flustered or embarrassed. Kakashi now had too much experience with this gesture to hyperventilate on the spot like everybody else.

"It's not that I don't trust _Naruto_," Iruka said. "But I can't help but worry. You know as well as I do the origin of Naruto's power is the _Fox_," A deep intake of breath, "Though Naruto would use that power for Konoha, I can't help but think that power will betray him in the end."

_Ah_. This was another thing Kakashi learned about Iruka. He, like most of the residents of Konoha (ninja or otherwise), didn't know that the spirit of Kyuubi-no-yoko was entirely sealed inside Naruto. That, in itself, was not surprising. The details of the seal were classified information, and the most even the Hokage could tell his ninja bellow the rank of Jounin was 'Naruto is a normal boy who happens to contain a demon within him.' So it was to be expected most people would think the fox had influence on Naruto's psyche. In this aspect, Iruka was like everyone else.

The remarkable thing about Iruka was that, unlike the other equally uninformed majority, he looked at the boy, conversed with the boy, and decided he really was a normal kid who happened to have a demon sealed within him.

What made him even more remarkable was that he didn't leave the issue at just knowing.

And if he wasn't blind, deaf and stupid, Kakashi owed Iruka for being able to say this:

"Towards the end of the mission, we were attacked by the enemy: Momochi Zabuza—" a short gasp of recognition, "—and his disciple, a boy named Haku. Haku had been abandoned as a child for possessing a _mizu kekei genkai._ Ever since Zabuza took him in, his sole reason for living was serving as Zabuza's weapon," A pause, "Sasuke fought him first. Naruto wasn't there in the beginning— we left him back at our client's house because he was ill— but he came just in time to see Haku put Sasuke in a death-like paralysis."

Iruka covered his mouth, stricken.

"At the apparent death of Sasuke, Naruto…lost it…went berserk. The seal cracked, and the power of the nine-tails started to leak through," another pause, "In such a state, Haku was no match for him. But just before he delivered the final blow, Naruto completely withdrew the Kyuubi's Chakra and came to a standstill.

"I don't know how it happened or why," said Kakashi. "But I'm sure it was a conscious decision on Naruto's part. I also think he was able to make such a decision because someone very unlike Zabuza took him in."

Iruka remained silent, hand over his mouth. Kakashi waited until Iruka sorted out his thoughts, and pretended not to notice his dampening eyes.

"You know … it's so _easy_ to get blind devotion from a neglected child," Iruka whispered through the hand still covering his mouth. "That's how Orochimaru gained so many devotees back in the day. I—I can't…"

…_Accept that kind of blind devotion, no matter how unintentionally received. I know. _"I don't think you have to worry about letting Naruto down."

Iruka looked at him questioningly.

"Our client had a grandson," said Kakashi. "Zabuza's employer, Gatoh, engineered his father's death. That incident virtually sapped the kid's trust in human strength. So lo, your typical disaffected, jaded and cynical six-year-old."

"…Never mind a typical six-year-old isn't disaffected, jaded or cynical…" Iruka smiled weakly.

Kakashi smiled. "I guess Naruto's stubborn fighting spirit rubbed him the wrong way," he said. "He pulled a tantrum about it. 'Why do you bother to fight?' and that. Naruto's come back was rather interesting."

Iruka looked at him with a mixture of anticipation and dread.

"I can't recite it verbatim, but it went something like this: 'Listen, punk: in this world, people will _always_ let you down, and you will let down other people. It doesn't matter how much they love you or you love them: we can't help it since we don't know everything and we _die_. But, as long as we're alive, we can pray to God for forgiveness, and work to make up for those let downs. Do you know what this means? Your daddy may not be able to make up for not being here for you, but _you_ have no excuse for letting him down being a crybaby!' "

The hand was back covering Iruka's mouth. Kakashi could see the many unknown memories and thoughts roiling behind those expressive dark eyes. To his shame, Kakashi couldn't find the fortitude to leave them as unknown; he wanted to know how this man kept a lonely, hated boy from bitterness.

"Naruto doesn't expect perfection from you. You're precious to him as you are," said Kakashi. Iruka didn't move, but the light in his eyes changed. "Quite frankly, I'm astounded he has this kind of mature mindset. Makes me wonder if there is some kind of back story I don't know about." Kakashi watched Iruka closely. The younger man didn't seem to have responded negatively to his observation. So he ploughed through: "Which brings me to a question I've been wondering about for quite some time: _were you the person who brought back Naruto after he stole the Forbidden Scroll_?"

Silence…but Kakashi expected that, so he waited.

His wait looked like it was going to bear fruit when Iruka started: "It was the last hostage rescue mission I took—"

The door to the second bedroom opened with an almighty bang. Both Kakashi and Iruka looked up reflexively and found a pale and haggard Naruto standing shakily at the doorway, both hands clamped over his mouth.

"IRuKa-SeNsei," the boy mumbled. "I tHinK i'M gOnNa pUke."

Iruka stood up in alarm, "_What!_? As in, blow chunks puking?"

Naruto nodded weakly. "_I'm gONnA BLoW sO mAny cHuNKs_…"

"Waaaah! No! Don't puke in the living room! The bathroom! I'll take you to the bathroom—NO! Naruto, suck it in! Suck it back in!"

"…_Blaaaruuuuuggghhhhh_…!"

Thus went the rest of the evening; Naruto puked all over the floors from the living room to the bathroom, Iruka had to mop it all up, and Kakashi helped him out, all the while cursing whatever karma he had accumulated in a past life that gave him such terrible timing in this one.

00000

Kakashi never found the opportunity to ask his question again.

The day after the puking incident, and the morning which Naruto recovered enough to sit in on the Heavy Chakra lessons (but forbidden from participating), Sasuke, who'd been touchy and impatient ever since they came back to Konoha, had his first Chakra Rebound. Correcting his Chakra flow took the entire morning. Reassuring Sakura that Sasuke was not going to die took a lot more than that.

"That's your first warning, Sasuke," said Iruka severely, "One more and you're _out_."

Sasuke's look after hearing that statement could have sent a man's soul to the Netherworlds, but in the end he said nothing. Iruka wasn't fooled, however, and canceled the lessons for the duration of that month, saying he was going to be busy working early morning shift at the administration building. That didn't help Sasuke's temper any, but at least it stopped him from trying to exceed Naruto's progress.

But Iruka _was_ busy, what with juggling several administrative duties in preparation of the upcoming Chuunin exams while keeping a fulltime teaching position. Kakashi was busy himself, training his Genin and signing up for as many missions as possible, so they would qualify for the aforementioned exams. It was a frustrating cycle, when if Kakashi couldn't stop by, Iruka had no time to spare except for the few scant minutes at the missions office.

And as if that wasn't enough, an unexpected complication entered the picture.

The complication, inevitably, came in green spandex. Two weeks before the much anticipated exam, Team Seven was signed up for another C-rank mission. Kakashi thought nothing about it beyond thinking it was rather odd Sandaime would send two Genin teams for something as routine as lost goods retrieval, and give it a C-rank at that. Then they actually met the other team.

"KAKASHI! So we meet here in this opportunity to fulfill our duties as SHINOBI and ETERNAL RIVALS!"

Kakashi stared at the thumb. Oh fuck, _no_.

A little ways behind him, Naruto summed up his teammates' sentiment in three words, "What the _fuck!_?"

"Ahem," Sandaime cleared his throat, and everyone turned their glances back to their village leader. "Team Kakashi, your assignment is retrieving the stolen items of Saito-san. Once his goods are returned to his possession, you will escort him back to his village. Team Gai will collaborate with you in this endeavor."

Saito-san, who was a thin, white-haired, scholarly looking man in his mid-fifties, wrenched his eyes away from Gai and … mini-Gai. "Is it really necessary for two teams?" he asked. He looked hopefully at Team Kakashi.

"Yes," was Sandaime's succinct reply, "Two four-man teams are the minimum manpower needed to cover all the potential areas your possessions might have been taken. Also, Rock Lee from Team Gai and Uzumaki Naruto from Team Kakashi have expert knowledge regarding the locals of Niiminjin City. They will serve you well."

Mini-Gai, whose name was apparently Rock Lee, held up a trembling fist of determination. Gai gave him a watery smile of manly pride. Naruto and Kakashi mouthed 'expert knowledge' and 'Niiminjin' together, though Naruto mouthed it while shooting an outraged look at Sandaime, whereas Kakashi did so while eyeing Naruto.

Eventually, Sandaime shooed off both teams, and convinced the two unGai-like members of Team Gai that there was no need to commit ritual suicide. And before their client could descend into further depths of Gai-induced trauma, Kakashi got down to the serious business of learning all the details.

"What exactly are we looking for?" he asked.

Saito-san proved to be a much better client than their previous one Tazuna-san; he actually had enlarged photos of all of his stolen items, as well as size descriptions. He also produced a map on which he marked the roads he had taken, and circled the location where he realized his goods were missing.

The mission was shaping up to be an easy one until Naruto took one look at the map and declared: "The map is wrong."

Everyone stared at him. "What?"

"The map is wrong," Naruto repeated, as he traced a finger down the eastern section of Saito-san's map. "Half of the minor streets down here are mislabeled, and it left out Daikyo Avenue altogether." To Saito-san he asked: "Did you buy this map from a street vendor?"

"Yes…" Saito-san answered, looking very worried now.

Naruto shook his head. "One word of advice, Saito-san: _never_ buy anything but food from street vendors in the East End of Niiminjin city. If you need a map, buy it from Shiroishiro Street." He pointed it out.

Saito-san was too distraught to listen to this piece of advice, however. "Do you mean I've been _conned_?" he cried.

"It's very likely," said Naruto. "When did you realize your stuff was missing?"

"About three hours ago…?"

"Then your stuff's been sold at least five times over."

Saito-san staggered, weak-kneed.

"That doesn't mean we can't get 'em back, Saito-san, so don't worry!" Naruto assured their client cheerfully. "If we play our cards well, we'll get them back in a day."

That made Saito-san hopeful, a little too much in Kakashi's opinion. Saito-san watched with avid anticipation as Naruto pulled out an old, folded map from his battered agenda book, and started retracing Saito-san's footsteps according to the directions penned on their client's map.

In the middle of tracing, Naruto tossed a question to Lee.

"Yo, Fuzzy Brows. Yeah you," Lee pointed to himself. "You're Niiminjin-born, right? Where d'ya come from?"

"Oujo Street East, C-district."

Naruto dropped his map. "NO WAY! YOU CAME FROM _HARLEM!_?" he screeched.

Lee's jaw dropped. "You come from Harlem too?"

"YEAH. Deimon Street East. D-district!"

For ten bewildering seconds, Naruto and Lee just stared at each other, jaws on the floor. Then, to everyone's collective shock, they launched into each other's arms and started howling.

"_Where were you!_? _I didn't have anyone to sing with for _two years!"

"_Two years? I didn't have anyone for _six!"

And so on. The rest of the Konoha-born shinobi and Saito-san, who'd been involuntarily seated in the peanut gallery, watched the impromptu hug fest with morbid fascination. Even Gai looked bemused, and that was saying _a_ _lot_.

Eventually Naruto came back to his senses, and patted Lee back to reality. When Lee came back, he first tried to immolate himself on the spot. Then he apologized for his inappropriate conduct, and promised to run five hundred laps around Konoha as punishment. Naruto made no such apologies or promises of self-punishment, and just went back to tracing Saito-san's footsteps on his map as if he'd done nothing weird.

Once he was done tracing, Naruto handed over his map to Kakashi, who compared the two maps thoughtfully. Naruto did a good job tracing Saito-san's directions; he didn't see any mistakes. All he had to do now was find out which map was more accurate.

"I need to make photocopies of these maps," said Kakashi, as he refolded both. "Naruto, can you guide us when we get there?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Good," Kakashi turned to the rest of group. "Let's meet at the back gate in thirty minutes."

00000

Thirty minutes later, Kakashi was waiting with Sasuke, Sakura, Team Gai and Saito-san at the back gate of Konoha, feeling more uncomfortable about the mission than he'd wont. It wasn't because he learned about Naruto's origins; that he was born and raised in Niiminjin was an open secret amongst the upper echelons of Konoha. No, the reason why he was feeling out of sorts was because he had to enter _Niiminjin City._

On paper, Niiminjin City was an attaché village to Konoha. In reality, it was a large underground slum allotted for immigrants, laborers and anyone else Konoha couldn't bother to take care of beyond hiding them from sight. It had a dark reputation, largely because of its anti-Konoha riots in the past and the prison/forced-labor camp, but there were also rumors of strange religions and weird cultures that thrived in those dark streets.

Now that he witnessed Lee and Naruto in action, Kakashi had to wonder if those rumors were actually true.

Kakashi shoved his dark thoughts away when he spotted Naruto running towards them. The boy was carrying a large, bulging sports bag besides his ninja gear.

"What is that?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto patted the sports bag, "Local apparel."

"You could have just changed, idiot," Sasuke said waspishly.

"I could have," Naruto agreed. "Unfortunately, if I wear anything that's not burning-orange or glow-in-the-dark yellow in Konoha, it blows up in fifteen minutes, no matter what I do."

His statement met its deserved disbelieving silence. Naruto wasn't all that surprised at the response, but he was irritated nevertheless. "I'm serious! I can prove it!"

"Oh yeah? How?"

"If I walk around wearing something _not_ orange or bright yellow, and you make sure I'm doing nothing, and my clothes still blow up, that means I'm telling the truth, right?"

Everyone agreed.

"So let's put it to the test," Naruto said, hands on his hips. "Anyone have spare clothes?"

Right on cue, Gai reached into his Jounin vest and pulled out one of his spare outfits.

"This is one of my favorite suits! It has excellent ventilation and is perfect for movement! It's also lined with symbols of Youth and Energy, thus protected against bad fortune!"

Naruto took the spandex and _sneered_. "Yer Green Lycra of Youth ain't gonna last five minutes against my curse."

Two minutes later Naruto was wearing Gai's Green Lycra of Youth. The form-fitting suit wasn't so form-fitting on Naruto; it hung loosely everywhere, accentuating how thin he was. While he was changing, the other Genin had scoured the area for any traps Naruto might have set up beforehand. They found none. All set and cleared, Naruto started to walk under the scrutiny of Sasuke's Sharingan and Hyuuga Neji's Byakugan.

Naruto was only a few steps away from the gate when a kunai with explosive tags attached to its handle came out of _freaking_ _nowhere_, and flew towards his direction. Sasuke was on it in an instant, throwing a shuriken to intercept its projectile.

But the kunai, as if guided by vengeful spirits, ricocheted off a tree and landed a foot away from Naruto and promptly exploded. Once the dust settled, everyone scrambled to get a visual of Naruto.

Half of the spandex he was wearing was burned beyond repair. The other half was covered with dirt.

"THIS IS SO MESSED UP!" they all shouted.

Naruto shrugged. "I never said I was normal," he said. Then he went off to get his own clothes.

_F__uck__ me,_ Kakashi thought. _I've seen some weird s__hit__ in my life, but this takes the whole fucking cake._

00000  
TBC  
00000


	9. Legacy of a Legend II

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi no gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Legacy of a Legend II  
00000

The main entrance to Niiminjin City was only a thirty minute civilian walk away from Konoha. The entrance was nothing grandiose, just a lonely one-story building hidden beneath a forest of ancient pines. The only thing worth mentioning inside the entrance building was the elevator that took them five levels beneath the surface, and even that didn't look all that impressive. The elevator ride, too, was as disappointing and colorless as the building.

Niiminjin City, however, was decidedly not so.

To start with, it had a domed ceiling that had a moving semblance of a blue sky shifting just beneath its surface. The city itself was shaped like a bowl made from six separate pieces, the middle piece being a tall white citadel surrounded by a lake. A great multitude of lights and mirrors illuminated the entire place, but the atmosphere didn't have the dirty yellow tinge of artificial light. Most of the buildings within the city resembled old, rusting relicts from the industrial era, but they were often surrounded by blooming plant life and running channels of water. Some buildings broke several laws of physics while they were at it.

_Oh yes_, Kakashi thought as he studied the place with his Sharingan, _this is definitely an interesting city._

Before they set off, Naruto changed into local apparel. Once again, Naruto blasted all expectations and showed that he could, in fact, dress for the occasion if given the opportunity: he came out wearing black heavy-duty boots strapped with silver buckles, black pants, a crimson colored T-shirt, and numerous jingling bracelets that covered the entire length of both his forearms as a finishing touch. The general impression of this not-in-orange Naruto was, as Sakura put it, 'I hate myself for thinking he looked cool, even for a split second.'

Once Team Kakashi stopped gawking at Naruto, they followed the rest of the group outside.

"We're going to take a round-about route," Naruto told them as they trotted through the dingy streets. "The quickest way to D-district is going through M-district, but we don't want to go there. We'll cut through B-district, walk around the great lake, and enter D-district through the western end."

What Naruto just said didn't make a whole lot of sense to the non-Niiminjin folk, but they didn't ask any questions, drawing their own conclusions from 'we don't want to go there.' Kakashi, however, was not one to make baseless assumptions.

So he asked: "Why do we not want to go through M-district?"

Naruto chewed over the question. It looked like he was trying to find the best way to describe the answer.

"Did you notice the wacky place where the buildings don't make any sense?"

Kakashi nodded.

"That's the M-district," Naruto gave him a hooded look. "Do you _want_ to go to a place where logic flies out the window?"

Kakashi thought about it. "No," he eventually replied.

The trek to D-district progressed without trouble. B-district was a nice place, to use the term loosely. The walk around the great lake generated a lot of excited squeals from the girls, especially Sakura, who wanted to know everything about the citadel. Lee was only too happy to tell her everything he knew. From Lee's enthusiastic explanations, Kakashi learned the citadel was actually some sacred tower of neutrality, where anyone could enter and express their religious/political beliefs (he also gathered from Naruto's cynical look that the ideology wasn't practiced to its fullest potential). During their walk, they encountered many strange looking people; not the 'they must have a _kekei genkai_' kind of strange, but the 'they look very, very foreign' kind. Those same people stared at the ensemble of shinobi with varying degrees of curiosity and wariness. No one looked twice at Naruto though. Apparently they thought he was a local guiding them.

After their long trek around the lake, Naruto lead them towards an area that was far rougher and seedier than B-district. Here, no wall or street was spared from graffiti. The streets themselves were full of hostile pedestrians, sinister looking street performers, dodgy minstrels, belligerent street artists, and beggars of all description.

"Welcome to D-district Harlem," said Naruto cheerfully, "Home of the Pagans, Atheists, worst artists and best singers."

Silence…

"This…is Harlem," Sasuke said slowly.

Naruto nodded, full of smiles and bloody cheerfulness.

"You came from _here_?" asked Sakura, looking adorably torn between disgust and outrage.

"Not 'here' here, no."

"Is the entire Harlem like this?" Gai asked, looking more alarmed by the minute.

"Again, no," said Naruto. "Harlem's _big_. If you walk two blocks due north, you'll find a place so hideously clean, you can't even breathe. If you walk three blocks due east, you'll find hippy corner; there's enough smoke and incense there to put you on high just walking by." He paused. "Twelve blocks due northwest is where I come from; it looks like Konoha half submerged in water. If I remember correctly, Fuzzy Brow's 'hood is twenty-two blocks due north northwest, and the place has its own animal kingdom."

"Quite a diverse neighborhood, I see," Kakashi said, shaping his original thought 'this neighborhood is seriously weird' with more diplomacy.

Naruto nodded again. Then he walked straight into the most disreputable street in sight. Everyone followed, with the exception of Lee, very reluctantly.

Despite their initial misgivings, the fifteen minute walk into Harlem proved to be very interesting. For one thing, almost everything Naruto said about the D-district Harlem turned out to be true: there was indeed a neighborhood so unnaturally clean, it was painful just looking at it. There were pagans, too— almost every nook and cranny had shrines, and a small crowd of people paying their respects. Atheists were also present (some fanatics were burning down one of the aforementioned shrines shouting: 'there is no God!'), as well as bad artists (even Kakashi could draw better than the scribbles one street vendor was selling). They didn't meet any of the good singers Naruto mentioned, though, and that was a shame.

Naruto finally stopped in front of a large, bustling plaza with a small amphitheater in the middle.

"Have you been here, Saito-san?"

Saito-san looked at the row of shops. "This looks very familiar," he said. Then his glance stopped at the artificial lake right next to the plaza. "Yes, I passed through the promenade by that lake! That is where I found I'd been robbed!"

"Yosh!" said Gai, happy to be in familiar territory at last. "We shall start our search here! Kakashi! Do you have our maps?"

Kakashi pulled out the maps, and handed them to the Genin.

"We'll search in teams of two," said Kakashi. "Naruto, you go with Lee. Sasuke, go with Neji. Sakura, go with TenTen. Pay attention to the pawn shops. We'll communicate by radio. The frequency is 193. Alert the rest of us if you find anything."

"Hai!"

"Do not go too far!" Gai shouted. "And do not offend the locals! Behave like the worthy shinobi of Konoha that you are! That is all! NOW GO FORTH WITH THE SPIRIT OF YOUTH!"

The Genin dispersed. Except for Naruto; he didn't move.

Lee, who'd been running full-speed with eyes burning fire and determination, backtracked when he realized his partner wasn't following him.

"What are you doing, Naruto-kun? Youth awaits no man!" cried Lee.

Naruto gave Lee a look of fond exasperation. "Got your sensei's youth theme down to yer bones, dontcha?"

Lee took Naruto by the arm and started dragging. "Come _on_, Naruto-kun! If we don't hurry, we'll return empty handed and lose face!"

Of course, Naruto refused to be dragged. "Okay! Okay! Keep yer pants on! Geez!" he detached himself from Lee's grip. "I wasn't slacking off! I was just going to call for some local aid before we left!"

Kakashi watched the two more intently as Lee's mind became a big question mark.

"Local aid?" repeated Lee blankly.

Naruto reached into his cloak and pulled out the smallest mobile phone Kakashi had ever seen. "I know a few kids from the 'hood who know all the pawn shops in this area like the back of their hands," he explained. "If anyone can find where Saito-san's stuff is, it's them."

Comprehension dawned on Lee's face. "I see. So you were going to gather more information."

"Something like that," said Naruto. Then he started talking to the phone.

"Juumonji? Yeah, it's me. Haha, no, I didn't quit. Sorry to disappoint. Now listen, I've got a client who's lookin' for his stolen stuff. Can you do me a favor and send a few kids to the amphitheater? Yeah, that one. Thanks! I owe you!"

He hung up. "They'll be here in ten minutes."

And come they did. In less than five minutes, a veritable swarm of street Arabs riding bicycles and scooters gathered around the amphitheater. Once they spotted Naruto, they yipped and howled their greetings like a confederation of wolverines. Then three boys, older and taller than the rest, stepped towards Naruto.

"Got'em all here Boss," said one of three boys. He had gleaming blond hair and a cross mark on his cheek.

_Fuck me sideways_, Kakashi thought dazedly, _my student is the boss of a mafia's kiddie division._

Naruto gave the other blond boy the same look of fond exasperation he gave Lee earlier. "Juumonji, I asked for _a few_, not the _whole fecking gang_."

"Wasn't my idea, Boss," said Juumonji. "I did call only 'a few'. The rest just showed up on their own."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Yeah sure, if you say so. Now would you mind not calling me 'Boss'? That's your title."

"Sorry. No can do." Juumonji was smirking. "Good to see you again, Boss."

Naruto grinned. "Good to see you too. Now c'mere!"

They hugged— a bit too affectionately for Kakashi's surprisingly conservative mind. Said surprisingly conservative mind blanked out when Naruto and Juumonji started nuzzling each other's faces, before they kissed each other's either cheek. _They're acting like a pair of gay puppies_! Kakashi's brain screamed before it passed out.

Kakashi came around just in time to see Gai do the back-staggering with crashing-waves backdrop only he was capable of doing. Kakashi was almost afraid to see what caused it, but horrified fascination turned his glance to the probable causers. Then he stared, bug-eyed, as Lee did the hug-nuzzle-kiss thing with Juumonji.

Naruto introduced Lee to the entire gang, down to the last bloody brat. And for every introduction, the kids did the damn hug-nuzzle-kiss thing to each other. Kakashi was aware he could have just looked away, but his glance was totally hijacked from his control. Fuck it all to hell, Kakashi was going to have to tell Iruka about this for therapy. Iruka studied psychological profiling; he probably knew how to do it. Speaking of therapy, Gai was probably going to need it too. But Gai's therapist might institutionalize him/herself afterwards, so it might not be a good idea…

"Oh my eyes," said Gai, "I've never seen such a beautiful display of friendship and affection!"

…Right. He'd forgotten Gai didn't think like normal people.

"I've also come to an important realization," Gai went on. "For a long time I have wondered why Lee craved my embraces. Now I know why! He must have been deprived of it ever since he came to Konoha! What is more, he had no one who understood his need! Ah, if only I'd have known!"

Once again, Gai surprised Kakashi with his perception. If you ignored the abuse of exclamation marks and Caps Lock, his words rang very true; compared to the citizens of Konoha, who had personal space bubbles no one even bothered to breach, the residences of Niiminjin City were an awfully cuddly bunch.

"BUT NO MORE!" roared Gai, lighting his surrounding aura aflame. "I SHALL HUG LEE EVERYDAY! IF I DO NOT, I WILL DO _THE_ _FACE RUBBING RITUAL_ THRICE OVER!"

Now there was an interesting equation: Facing rubbing rituals + Lee + Gai equals scarring mental images.

Kakashi's mind blanked out again before he could quietly go insane.

00000

Kakashi regained his consciousness sometime later. He didn't particularly _want_ to regain his consciousness, but Gai was shaking his shoulder and it _hurt_, damn it.

"Kakashi, it's not like you to doze off during a mission!" Gai whispered.

It was easy for him to say. Gai wasn't scarred from— hold that thought. Gai was _whispering?_!

Kakashi's eye shot open. Gai only whispered when the situation required silence. Required silence was rarely a good thing. What happened?

"Such ethereal beauty of sound," Gai continued to whisper. There were tears glistening in his eyes. "Truly, Harlem is home of the best singers."

…_Huh_? Bewildered and irritated, Kakashi kicked his senses back into functioning.

Then he heard it: the singing. Though Kakashi was no connoisseur of fine arts, he could tell a good singing voice when he heard one. And, bloody hell, those were good singing voices. If the clichéd metaphor 'gift of the Gods' should be applied to anything, this was one case…

Something kicked at the door to Kakashi's mind. That was when Kakashi started to listen carefully, not to further appreciate the singing, but to discern which voice belonged to whom. The database in his brain produced two names for two of the voices, but the result didn't make any sense. So he crosschecked with his eyes.

Nope, his brain wasn't smoking things. That was Naruto and Lee singing over there.

_I give up. I'm too tired to be shocked any more_, Kakashi decided.

Meanwhile, Gai was _still_ whispering.

"This mission has been the most insightful and wonderful experience; I have learned more about my student than I had for the past year," A thoughtful pause. "Such experiences must not remain as singular incidents. No! There is something I must do!"

Then Gai straightened up, made the Nice Guy pose, and sent the artificial light of Niiminjin reflecting off of his teeth with an almighty 'Ping'.

"KAKASHI! Though it pains me to do this, I shall cancel our next match on Tuesday! Instead, I shall bring my team to yours, so together we may enjoy the beautiful and youthful voices of our students!"

A long minute of complete silence lapsed. Neither peep nor squeak could be heard from the local flora and fauna. Even the boys stopped singing.

Then Naruto's voice asked: "Is he done?"

Kakashi removed his glance from Gai (who was still stuck in his triumphant pose) and looked at Naruto with something akin to relief.

"Juumonji's boys found the stolen items," Naruto told him. "Right now, they're the first-place prize of a flag football tournament."

Kakashi just nodded. Under different circumstances, he would have found it very funny that their client's stolen possessions ended up as prizes of a tournament. But now, he was too tired.

"The tournament hasn't started yet," Naruto said. "If we hurry, we can register as a team and win them back."

"Is claiming ownership to the prizes a bad idea?" Kakashi asked.

"A very bad idea," Naruto confirmed. "First the football players will attack. Then the audience will lynch."

"…I see," said Kakashi. "Okay. Call everyone back. We have a tournament to win."

00000

They won, naturally.

Though six out of eight members of the team didn't even know of the game's existence prior to the tournament, they picked up the rules very quickly. Chakra manipulation ability certainly gave them an advantage. And Gai, he defeated whole teams with his speeches alone. By the semifinals, everyone was calling him the Eyebrow King of Green Lycra, whom all loved and despaired.

Konoha's (Youthful) Ninjas would later be remembered as the blackest dark horse to ever appear in the annals of flag football, but that's another story.

Once the stolen goods were won back, Teams Gai and Kakashi escorted Saito-san back to his village. Saito-san returned home a changed man. Never again would he look at green without turning just as green, if not greener.

It was late afternoon when both teams returned to Konoha. Kakashi was privately rejoicing over the end of a very long and tiring day, when Lee spoke his final words:

"Sakura-san, I wasn't able to say this during the mission, but please accept this…my Heart!"

Then Lee blew a kiss at Sakura's direction.

_That's fucking IT_, Kakashi inwardly snarled, as Sakura's scream rattled the structures of Konoha from one end to another. _I can't take it anymore! I need therapy...NOW!!_

00000  
TBC  
00000


	10. History Lessons

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
History Lessons  
00000

About a week after the mission in Niiminjin City (and Kakashi finished his pseudo-therapy sessions), Iruka resumed Team Seven's Heavy Chakra lessons. But six months training produced vastly different results for each team member, thus it became necessary for Iruka to divide them up according to their stages of mastery, and supervise their training separately.

That was why, one fine morning, Naruto was getting individual attention for a change.

"Yosh! Naruto, I'm going to teach you your first Heavy Chakra jutsu: _**Bato**_," Iruka announced.

Naruto held up two trembling fists. "Ooooh!"

Iruka smiled. Then he held up his right hand.

"It's very simple: First you gather Heavy Chakra to your hand, and then expel it out all at once."

"Do I convert before I expel?" asked Naruto, holding up his own right hand.

"No, you expel Heavy Chakra as is."

Naruto frowned at that. "Are you sure I won't lose my hand if I do that?"

"Cautious all of a sudden?" asked Iruka, amused.

Naruto scowled, "Damnit, Iruka-sensei! I'm not _that_ stupid!"

Iruka laughed. "Okay, okay, my bad. Going back to your question: No, you won't lose your hand. In fact, _**Bato**_ isn't as dangerous as the basic exercises you've been doing since you're expelling Chakra. Now watch."

Iruka placed his right palm on a nearby tree. Then, suddenly, the tree exploded. The shattered pieces of trunk blasted through several other trees standing behind it. Those trees not within the blast radius shook like a gale tore through them.

"_Cool_…" Naruto whistled, as he was showered with bits of tree and bark.

Iruka drew his hand back. "That's _**Bato**_." He looked back to Naruto. "Now you try."

Naruto yowled out a juvenile 'hai!', and impatiently placed his right hand on another tree. He seemed to be gathering his Heavy Chakra for a moment. Then he expelled it all with a loud battle cry.

A few pieces of bark fell off of the tree with a lukewarm 'pfftt'.

For ten full seconds, Naruto just stood there, staring at the small barkless patch on the tree, while Iruka tried very hard not to laugh.

"…Keep trying," Iruka said at length.

Naruto bared his teeth in response, and proceeded to do just that. Iruka watched him remove tree bark with Heavy Chakra for a few minutes. Then, he turned his glance to his three other students.

"How are you three doing?"

Kakashi and Sasuke, who were doing Heavy Chakra refinement exercises, looked up glaring spitfire. Sakura, who was _still_ attempting to gather Heavy Chakra, thus meditating inside an icy spring right beneath a waterfall, drew her blue lips into a ferocious snarl.

No doubt about it, it was silent mutiny at its scariest.

Iruka, however, didn't even bat an eye. "Same as usual, I see," he commented lightly. Then Iruka snapped his glance onto Sasuke.

"SASUKE, you're rushing your circulation again! Gather it back, _NOW_!"

Sasuke flinched. Then he gave Iruka a look of unrefined hatred and frustration before scrunching up his eyes and concentrated on bringing the Heavy Chakra circulating in his limbs back to his center.

Once he was safe from Chakra Rebound, Sasuke blew out a deep, shuddering breath as he opened his eyes. They were still burning with unfiltered emotion that blazed past his sweat-soaked bangs.

Iruka looked at him thoughtfully for a moment.

"Sasuke—"

"Your teaching _sucks_," Sasuke bit out.

Iruka closed his mouth and just stood quietly. When Kakashi finished his Heavy Chakra refinement exercises, he then pinned Sasuke with a stern, one-eyed look.

"That was unworthy of you, Sasuke. Iruka-sensei has _no_ obligation to teach you, and _you_ certainly have no right to criticize his teaching methods just because you aren't progressing as quickly as you want."

Sasuke matched Kakashi's reproach with a death-glare of his own. But Kakashi was an Elite Jounin, which meant he could project more Doom and Death into his glare than Sasuke could ever hope to. Eventually, Sasuke backed down, completely out-glared. But he was no less belligerent than before.

Iruka sighed. "Let's call it a day…Naruto!"

Naruto looked up from his Heavy Chakra-aided tree bark removal. "WHAT?"

"Lessons are over. Come here so I can check up on you."

"_EEEEEH!_? BUT I WANT TO _BLAST_ THIS FREAKING TREE! WHY—"

"_Now_." cue glare of DOOM, Iruka version. Within seconds _everyone_ quailed before its power, even Naruto of the Iron Senses.

"………okay, okay, I'm coming…"

_So scary,_ Kakashi thought as Naruto slunk towards Iruka, a full-blown pout filtering through his face wrappings, but otherwise obedient. _I don't ever want to be on the receiving end of that glare, _really_._

For the next ten minutes, Iruka checked to make sure Naruto's right arm wasn't going to tear apart on its own. Then, after dodging Naruto's projectile vomit, Iruka turned around and gave Sasuke the most angelic smile humanly possible.

"Sasuke, are you hungry?" Iruka asked in a gentle voice.

Completely trapped within the deadly influence of Iruka's Forbidden Public Actions, Items No. 2 and 4, the poor little sod could only say 'yes'.

"Why don't we go have Udon or something? My treat," Iruka said in the same gentle voice. Kakashi was trying to discern if there really was a golden halo behind Iruka's head, when Iruka turned his face five degrees to his right, and encompassed Kakashi into his smile.

"Will you join us, Kakashi-sensei?"

…_I almost forgot, _Kakashi thought as he nodded his head like a zombie._ His smiles are even _**scarier**…

00000

"Your progress isn't slow, Sasuke. It took me a_ year_ to get to the refinement stage."

That was the first thing Iruka said after he put Naruto and Sakura in the infirmary (for Heavy Chakra induced fever and hypothermia respectively) and angel-eyed Kakashi and Sasuke into treating them to Udon.

Sasuke twitched at Iruka's words. Then he quietly glowered down at his bowl of Udon. From the way his jaw was working, Kakashi could tell there was something he really wanted to ask, but couldn't bring himself to voice it.

"Why is Naruto so good at it?" Sasuke finally asked.

Iruka looked at Sasuke thoughtfully over the brim of his teacup. Kakashi kept the sadistic laughter bubbling up to his throat in check as Sasuke's twitching increased tenfold under Iruka's scrutiny.

"I don't know," Iruka answered.

"What do you mean '_you don't know_'?" Sasuke demanded, all but lashing out. "You're the Heavy Chakra expert of Konoha! How can you _not_ know?"

Iruka was unperturbed at the outburst. "I don't know because there isn't much known about Heavy Chakra to begin with. Konoha only had four masters for the past seventy years, and—"

"You said only _two_ Konoha-born ninja managed to master the basics," Sasuke interrupted.

"So I did," said Iruka. "But two other non-ninjas learned Heavy Chakra, and both achieved greater mastery than all the shinobi who attempted it put together."

Sasuke blinked. Then he frowned. "_Non-ninjas_ were allowed to learn?"

"Yes. And that's not surprising, since the man who first taught Konoha Heavy Charka wasn't a ninja."

This time Kakashi blinked. He'd never heard about this before.

"Heavy Chakra was introduced to Konoha by a Southerner Immigrant called Kenja," Iruka explained. "Though I say 'introduced', our forefathers actually learned it by accident when a team of Konoha shinobi mistook Kenja for an enemy ninja and attacked him. The story goes that, the Hyuuga member of the team was temporarily blinded the moment Kenja started circulating his Chakra, and the jutsu Kenja used was unlike any jutsu known in this region."

_Huh._ Kakashi was now deeply intrigued. So was Sasuke, judging from the look on his face.

"You can imagine how Kenja confounded and intrigued this team of Konoha shinobi," Iruka continued. "From his fighting style, they could tell he wasn't a ninja. But he could mold Chakra, and very unique Chakra at that. _And_ he could perform ninjutsu—of sorts. Now I don't know how they did it, but the team managed to convince Kenja to come to Konoha. Then the Nidaime Hokage persuaded Kenja to teach our shinobi Heavy Chakra. Thus Kenja became the first Heavy Chakra master of Konoha."

"Interesting," Kakashi said. "So Kenja accepted both civilian and shinobi students?"

"Yes," said Iruka. Then he added: "But no shinobi actually _learned_ anything from Kenja."

Both Kakashi and Sasuke stared at Iruka.

"Kenja couldn't teach right away because he couldn't speak our language," Iruka explained. "Though there were plenty of people in Fire Country who could speak Kenja's native tongue, there wasn't anyone who could translate his medical and Chakra anatomy jargon."

Sasuke frowned again. "Didn't Konoha make accommodations for that?" he asked.

"Oh, we did, absolutely. Several linguistics experts studied Kenja's native language so they could act as expert translators. Apparently Nidaime studied it too, just so he could talk to Kenja," A pause, "But before this knowledge could be put to use, a rift grew between Kenja and the Nidaime Hokage."

Kakashi lifted his eyebrow. He hadn't heard about this either.

"It's a sad story," Iruka said in a befittingly quiet tone. "Nidaime and Kenja used to be very close friends. Kenja even volunteered to fight for Konoha, on top of teaching our shinobi his 'meager skills', so he could help Nidaime achieve his dream of ending the Ninkai wars." Iruka sighed. "I guess Kenja saw the uglier side of shinobi in the battle field, or learned something he shouldn't have, because about eight months after coming to Konoha, Kenja walked straight up to Nidaime, called him a liar and a murderer, and left Konoha for good."

_Ouch_. "They never reconciled?" Kakashi asked.

"Never," Iruka confirmed. "According to Sandaime, Nidaime tried to visit Kenja many times, but Kenja refused to even see his face."

There was a short, contemplative silence.

"How did Konoha learn Heavy Chakra at all, then?" asked Sasuke.

"Though Kenja left Konoha, he was never really far away," Iruka said. "He lived in Niiminjin afterwards. There, he accepted a few Niiminjin residents as apprentices. It was one of those apprentices who taught Konoha everything we know."

Sasuke chewed over that. "This apprentice … was he at the same level as Kenja?"

"It is said she _exceeded_ Kenja. But, unfortunately, the third masters died before learning half of her knowledge, and she died shortly after them."

Sasuke was taken aback. "The second expert was a _woman_?"

"Oh yes. You probably heard about her, Kakashi-sensei," Iruka grinned mischievously. "She was _Vivian_."

Kakashi felt his innards curl and squirm. Oh yes. He knew Vivian alright. Just mentioning the woman's name made him chuckle in remembrance.

Sasuke, who never heard about Vivian, thus had no reason to laugh, starting thinking. "Vivian was a Southerner, right?"

"Yes," said Iruka. "But if you're thinking Southerner blood has something to do with Heavy Chakra, you can scrap that hypothesis. For one thing, _I_ have no Southerner blood and neither did the third masters."

"But Heavy Chakra is definitely a Southern Chakra system," Sasuke argued. "And the first and second experts were Southerners."

"It's true both Kenja and Vivian were Southerners," Iruka conceded. "But otherwise they had very little in common. In fact, they were so different—in terms of race, language, temperament and ideology—it was a miracle they managed to have a working teacher-student relationship."

But Sasuke didn't want to give up on his idea. "Do you have a picture of Kenja or Vivian?"

Iruka hesitated for a moment. "I do have a photo of Vivian, but…" He hummed and hawed a few more seconds, and then he dug into his flack jacket and pulled out a leather bound journal. He leafed through the pages until he found what he was looking for, and once he found it, Iruka let out a rising series of chuckles before opening up the journal for Sasuke to see. Kakashi looked over Sasuke's shoulder and let out an involuntary snort of laughter.

The photo featured the late Vivian at her most memorable.

Iruka and Kakashi looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"What's wrong with you two?" Sasuke demanded. "What's so funny?"

"_S-s-sorry_," Iruka managed to choke out. "It's just …the picture… _Vivian_…" He started laughing again.

"What about Vivian in this picture?" Sasuke frowned at the photograph. "Who is she chasing?"

"Jiraiya, of the Legendary Three," Kakashi said, snickering.

"So Vivian once chased after Jiraiya," said Sasuke, confused and irritated. "What's so funny about _that_?"

"Well Jiraiya-sama, he… he—"

"—used to hit on Vivian!" Iruka burst out. "But no matter how many times she turned him down, he kept on coming back! Then, one day, this kid decided enough was enough and got this _-nasty-_ homoerotica novel and… and…" Iruka was losing it again. "…tricked Vivian into reading it out loud in front of Jiraiya-sama!"

Sasuke's jaw dropped, and he remained so, frozen. Kakashi, on the other hand, burst into another fit of uncontrollable sniggering as he remembered the day when a kid around his age hoodwinked Vivian into reading gay porn in public at the top of her lungs.

"I never saw him run away from a woman so fast!" Kakashi laughed.

"And that wasn't all," Iruka added with tears in his eyes. "While Vivian followed him around, all of the ladies Jiraiya tried to date gathered together…"

"…And came out to the streets…"

"…to cheer Vivian on…"

"…And read more gay porn!"

Then they went right back to laughing.

00000

Sometime later, long after Sasuke had enough of his teachers making contemptible fools out of themselves and stormed off, a pigeon summoned both Kakashi and Iruka to the Hokage's office. It took Kakashi a full second to figure out what they were being summoned for.

"The Chuunin exam meeting," he groaned.

Iruka sighed. "Let's get this over with."

Kakashi and Iruka directly sent themselves to the conference room via teleportation. No one was there when they arrived, so they quietly shared amusing anecdotes about Vivian while they waited for the others to show up. Before Iruka mentioned it, Kakashi had no idea Vivian was frequently asked to officiate marriages and give blessings to newborn infants when she wasn't even a real monk (she got kicked out of the nunnery for having 'demonic powers'). Before Kakashi mentioned it, Iruka probably had no idea Vivian always greeted Yondaime with a slap on the ass (Kakashi failed to mention how his sensei seemed to _enjoy_ it.)

"She was a trip, Sister Vivi," said Iruka, smiling in fond remembrance.

Kakashi was about to smile and nod in agreement when something made him look up. He found Sandaime trudging towards the podium, hands behind his back. Kakashi decided he didn't like the twinkle in the old man's eyes.

"You are early, Kakashi," Sandaime observed. His keen glance went from studying Iruka to Kakashi before it settled down to the papers on his desk. Kakashi decided he really, really didn't like Sandaime's Gaze of Inexplicable Interest, and scheduled to investigate it further after the meeting.

But Kakashi didn't leave the Chuunin examination meeting pondering how to proceed with his private investigation. He was too busy trying not to feel like a villain and a murderer.

Iruka had contested his Chuunin nominations with his characteristic protectiveness, and Kakashi defended his nomination with his usual sarcasm and bluntness. The resulting clash, in itself, wasn't the problem. He and Iruka clashed often enough over their teaching methods; it was inevitable, since Iruka came from the 'prepare and double-check' school, whereas Kakashi was of the 'swim or die' persuasion. No, the clash wasn't the issue.

It was the look of _hurt_ in Iruka's eyes.

Iruka immediately left the conference room afterwards, but he didn't leave quickly enough to leave the ensemble of Jounin, Chuunin and the Hokage untouched from his Distress Shockwave Pulsar. Once the group recovered from the split-second onslaught, a good majority of them proceeded to give Kakashi glares that promised a prolonged, torturous death. Even Sandaime wasn't happy with him, and he was the current _head_ of the 'swim or die' school.

All this just wasn't _fair_, damn it. If it was any other person, many of those people would have taken Kakashi's side. And as if that wasn't enough, he got an extra serving of undeserved guilt on top of all this.

_I'm _NOT_ apologizing_, Kakashi resolved as he removed himself from danger. _This is his problem, not mine. Let him sulk like a kid, I'm not going to pamper him like the rest._

00000

Kakashi was expecting a long, lonely battle to keep his resolution. But once again, Naruto managed to blast his expectations to kingdom come.

Soon after Kakashi handed out the Chuunin exam applications, Naruto declared he had some questions to ask, taking out his agenda book, calculator and pen while he was at it. Sasuke and Sakura, the little traitors, fled the bridge immediately at the sight of the calculator, leaving Kakashi to fend off accountant Naruto on his own. His sense of betrayal was replaced with an intense foreboding when Naruto put all three items back into his orange jacket once his teammates were out of sight.

"What the feck happened to Iruka-sensei?" Naruto asked. "He's _moping_, fer goodness sake, and he doesn't mope unless someone he trusted gave him shit."

_You're perspective only when it's inconvenient. _"What makes you think I might know why?"

"I found the Academy teachers howling for your blood. They usually don't go that far unless Iruka-sensei is in prolonged distress."

…shit_. Shit! Why can't he sulk like a normal person!_? _I know he can't control it, but still! SHIT! _

While Kakashi silently howled his frustrations to the heavens, Naruto gave his Jounin sensei a long, measuring look.

"Does it have something to do with your Chuunin nominations?" he asked.

Kakashi just stared at Naruto. Hint.

Naruto took the hint. "I'll take that as a yes," he said. "So Iruka-sensei didn't like that, huh? That figures. Well, I'm with you on this one. Sasuke's gonna blow a fuse if he doesn't get in another good fight. This Chuunin exam thing will give him a good outlet for that, if nothing else."

Kakashi felt his lips twitch, despite himself. "So, you do go against Iruka-sensei sometimes."

Naruto stuck his tongue out. "I'm a belligerent punk. It's my business to disobey." Then he said under his breath: "And I don't worship human beings, no matter how much I love 'em."

Kakashi was unaccountably disturbed at Naruto's whispered words, but chose not to comment on it. Instead he took his cue to leave. "Well I appreciate the sentiment—"

But Naruto wasn't done.

"I've got a plan that might get ya out of this mess," he said.

Kakashi was more suspicious than intrigued. "If this is one of your deals, I'm not interested."

"No, no. This isn't a deal," said Naruto, flapping his hand sideways. "Call it a freebee, if you like."

Kakashi was still suspicious. "Don't do me any favors."

"Who says I'm doing this for you? I'm doing it for Iruka-sensei. You just happen to get some benefits."

That was more acceptable. "Will I like the outcome?"

"You won't have people hunting for yer blood," said Naruto. "And you don't have to do anything. If something blows up, feel free to blame me. In fact, I _encourage_ you to blame me."

Now Kakashi was reluctantly intrigued. Just what kind of harebrained scheme did Naruto cook up this time?

"What do you have in mind?" Kakashi asked.

"It won't work if you know," said Naruto. "So, are you interested?"

_I'm damning myself to hell_, Kakashi decided as he handed his future to the demon (possessed) boy. _But what the hell, it's not like I haven't done dumber things._

00000  
TBC  
00000


	11. Pride and Prejudice

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

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Pride and Prejudice  
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Kakashi woke up the next morning with a dull ache festering deep inside his chest. He duly examined the familiar sensation, and was mildly surprised when he realized the source was _yearning_ rather than regret. Once the bemusement over the emotion's presence faded, Kakashi dressed himself (more mechanically than usual, he absently noted) while brood— _pondering_ over the recent events in order to find the (unfortunate) target of his yearning: Iruka objecting to his Chuunin nominations, his sarcastic reply, Iruka looking so— _hurt_, his Resolution, Naruto informing him of the Academy Bastards' plot for his life, Naruto's Super Secret Plan_…_

_I miss him_.

Kakashi stood as still as a statue, his fingers hovering over his hitai-ite for a long time. His sentiment over a man he _knew_ was alive and well, took him by surprise. The strength of the sentiment, so strong that he'd even accepted _Naruto's_ plan out of inexplicable hope, took him by greater surprise. But the sentiment's existence, and its innumerable implications, zapped him with pure shock.

…_I'm either out of my mind, or I'm slipping_, Kakashi concluded at length. He tried punishing himself accordingly. But even his internal self-recriminations sounded dull and flat, and that was just _wrong._ He was a Master of caustic remarks. Where did all his acid _go_?

Kakashi was so busy interrogating himself over the matter that he didn't remember that Iruka had cancelled that week's Heavy Chakra lessons until he reached the Uchiha District. Unnecessarily, Kakashi also recalled the reason _why_ Iruka canceled the lessons: he had to fill extra-shifts at the Missions Department. Even more unnecessarily, Kakashi remembered how Iruka solemnly promised to make up for the missed time on the… following… week…

_This is not my day_, Kakashi thought as he glared down at his misbehaving feet. He needed coffee. Yeah, that was it. The lack of caffeine was affecting his brain. Having come to the _obvious_ conclusion, Kakashi headed towards the Administration Canteen, valiantly beating off his craving for Naruto's triple shot Espresso Coffee Lavazza all the way.

00000

Kakashi's first reaction to finding Naruto loitering around the Administration canteen entrance was to look at the boy in surprise. His second reaction was to pin Naruto with a stare of abject suspicion. But since both involved staring through one exposed eye, it was hard to tell the difference.

"Thought you might want something nicer than canteen food for breakfast," Naruto said once he noticed his Jounin sensei. He held up a large bento box and a thermos wrapped up in a sheet of cloth.

Kakashi resolutely squashed his instinctive rise of gratitude, and narrowed his eye to a slit. Naruto signed.

"I already gave Iruka-sensei his bento before he left for morning shift. He's not going to show up."

Kakashi powered down his glare a bit. One interesting thing he noticed about Naruto, after six months of psychological warfare, was that the boy _never_ lied to manipulate people. But that didn't mean Naruto was above misrepresenting the truth, so he remained suspicious. Naruto sighed again.

"I'm just trying to be _nice_," he growled. When Kakashi didn't turn off his glare, Naruto added: "Seriously, do you think I'd plan something as stupid as forcing you two to talk things out over _breakfast_?"

_Well… no_. Kakashi released his glare, if not his suspicion. Naruto, in a thoroughly fed up and disgusted gesture, shoved the bento and thermos into Kakashi's hands and prepared to leave.

Kakashi was about to let go of his suspicions and apologize, when two green and orange streaks propelled themselves towards their direction.

"KAKASHI, I FOUND YOU AT LAST!"

"Naruto-kun, ohayo!"

Kakashi and Naruto stared at the two sets of outstretched thumbs and sparkly white teeth. Oh fuck, _no_.

"S'up, Fuzzy Brows?" greeted Naruto, looking genuinely happy to see Lee. Fortunately for Kakashi's much-abused sanity, Naruto did not show his happiness through liberal physical demonstrations.

"Don't you remember? We are supposed to do a duo performance for our mentors!"

Kakashi's eye went a bit glassy. It was mostly due to bad flashbacks.

"…I didn't know it was today," said Naruto.

"We were supposed to do it last Tuesday, but Kakashi-sensei pleaded illness!"

Naruto flashed Kakashi a withering glare. "Did he now…"

Gai beamed. "It was fortunate that you called Lee yesterday and told him where we could find the two of you today! Otherwise, the impromptu concert might have been postponed indefinitely!"

This time Kakashi gave Naruto a withering glare. "Really…"

"Indeed! But despite all adversaries, we have finally gathered!" Gai made Thumbs-up Pose No. 4, and proclaimed to the world: "LET THIS DAY BE REMEMBERED FOR ITS HEAVENLY MUSIC!"

During the thirty second interval of silence when everyone in the vicinity and beyond stared at Konoha's Beautiful Blue Beast(s) ™ without comprehension, Kakashi tried to think of a way that he could talk Gai out of his idea without further exciting the determined shmuck. He came up with nothing. So he gave Naruto a hopeful sideway look.

Naruto didn't disappoint him. "Would you mind if we did it later? I want to invite someone."

Gai was intrigued. "Who might this be?"

"I promised Sandaime that I'd sing for him one day—"

"EXCELLENT!" Gai roared. "Most appropriate! I shall ask Hokage-sama immediately! If I cannot persuade him within 24 hours, I'll do two thousand one-arm push-ups!"

"—Okay, thanks," said Naruto. To Lee he said: "give me a three hour warning, k'?"

Lee saluted. "I will!"

Naruto and Lee exchanged a few more words. Then, as dramatically as they came, the Beautiful Green Beast(s) of Konoha dramatically headed towards their own sunset. Kakashi and Naruto watched their rapidly retreating backs for a long time.

"You didn't plan this, did you?" Kakashi asked quietly.

"Hell, _no_," Naruto answered. "I really, really, _really_ called Fuzzy Brows just to say 'hi'. I didn't know the Eyebrow King of Youthful Bullshit wanted his duo concert this badly."

Kakashi patted his head. "Gai is a man of no broken promises, I'm afraid." _The best you can do is to divert his attention elsewhere, or delay its execution._ "Well. That's that. Want some ramen?"

Naruto's eyes went round. "You're buying? _Voluntarily?_ Cool!"

_Am I that stingy?_ Kakashi wondered as Naruto dragged him into the canteen. Then he looked at Naruto's face, so complete in its joy. _Did he forget the bullshit I gave him already?_ That was another thing he noticed about Naruto: he forgave and forgot readily, whether he was made up for or not. Kakashi still couldn't decide if it was because the boy was that simple, or there was something else at work.

…_Whatever. He took care of __**Gai**__. That deserved a treat. Now if I can just figure out what he's plotting, I'll be content…_

00000

The rest of the memorable day passed in the sort of ominous silence that preludes storms or disasters. So did the day after. By the end of Ominously Silent Day No. 3, Kakashi was reduced to anxiety induced hair-pulling.

Kakashi didn't know what to make of his unease at first, because for once, the root of his non-battle anxiety didn't involve Gai. As far as he knew, Gai was having little to no success convincing Sandaime to come to Konoha's Heavenly Duo Singers concert. The last time Kakashi had seen Gai, which was two days ago, the man was in the middle of doing two thousand one armed push-ups. Then Naruto confided to Kakashi on Ominously Silent Day No. 2 that Sandaime would NEVER agree to listen to him sing, Eyebrow King or no Eyebrow King. Naruto refused to elaborate on the reasons, despite Kakashi's repeated interrogation attempts.

On Ominously Silent Day No. 4, Kakashi was forced to admit he was getting anxious over Naruto's Super Secret Plan ®. He even put Naruto under beta-level surveillance out of desperation, but all he learned from two days of observation was the humdrum details of Naruto's daily routine: each morning Naruto would wait for Kakashi at the Administration Canteen and give Kakashi a breakfast bento. For the rest of the daylight hours, Naruto was either busy training or working at his civilian jobs (chef and newspaper delivery boy). If Konohamaru & Co. ambushed him at his work place or training area, Naruto would put up with them for a while. At around seven, Naruto would go to the Missions Office to give Iruka a dinner bento. These meetings never lasted longer than the five minutes required to hand over the bento box and have a short chat. The remainder of the evening Naruto spent reading a novel (this shocked Kakashi a bit; Naruto didn't strike him as the reading type). No secret conferences were held, no money swapping occurred, and Naruto never poured over his agenda book making plans— he didn't even let out a single, random fit of evil laughter, for crying out loud! Quite frankly, Kakashi was starting to doubt Naruto had a plan at all.

"Kakashi, just what kind of example are you making in front of your Genin?"

But then he kept getting the same (seemingly inconsequential) accusation that said otherwise.

Kakashi looked up to face the charges, this time brought to him by a righteously indigent Kurenai.

"Hmm…?"

"I saw Naruto walking down Tora Street, reading a little book, _chuckling_." ('_Like you do when you read Icha Icha in public_,' went unsaid) "Care to explain?"

Kakashi knew how to answer this far too well. "Did the book have an illustrated cover and a foreign title?"

Kurenai blinked. "I—am not sure. Why do you ask?"

"Naruto's been really into reading a novel called _Pride and Prejudice_ these days," Kakashi explained. "According to **Gai**," —hint, hint— "it's a highly entertaining classic from Niiminjin."

Like the others, Kurenai wasn't convinced. "Naruto's book _did_ have an illustrated cover. It featured a man and a woman, in a rather suggestive position." Challenge

Kakashi was more than ready for the challenge. "Was the woman wearing a dress that looked like it was made from mounds of pink tissue paper, and holding a matching umbrella?"

"…She did have a pink umbrella with ruffles."

"Was the guy kissing the back of the woman's hand?"

"Yes."

"And was the same guy wearing white spandex pants and a blue jacket that had ruffles on the cuffs?"

"Uh-huh."

"Then he was definitely reading _Pride and Prejudice_," Kakashi sat up a little straighter. "I might have given Naruto my _reading habits_, but I'd never let him come near my _reading material._"

That mollified Kurenai, but only a little bit. "What is the novel about?"

Kakashi explained the plot as he knew it: A man, who was as amiable as one could get while having a stick shoved up his ass, meets a Lady, who was too proud and smart for her own good. After a series of events in which the Man and Lady meet only to bicker and quarrel, they discover their mutual attraction. After _another_ long series of events, the Main Characters finally get their heads out of their respective asses and marry to live happily ever after (Kakashi didn't say so in verbatim, though it was a close thing).

"…That's definitely something Gai would like," Kurenai said after Kakashi finished telling the summary. "But how can a story with such a cliché plot be so entertaining?"

Kakashi had to think for second. "It has ingenious word play and sarcastic humor that makes up for the plot."

Apparently, Kurenai didn't miss the split-second pause, because she turned indignant again.

"Well I certainly hope _your_ student is just reading a clean romance novel, because he offered to narrate a translation to one of _my _students." Here Kurenai's pretty face twisted into an angry frown. "I'll be standing by to listen too, and if I hear just _one hint_ of smut, I will not be responsible for my actions."

Kakashi knew he should have been nice, and just made sure no harm would fall upon Naruto. But Kakashi was _not_ a gentleman, and anyone who thought otherwise must be blind or taking illegal substances. Moreover, Kakashi could be quite _nasty_ and _underhanded_ if provoked, as his Genin team would readily testify…

"What are you going to do if my student is _innocent_?"

00000

_Naruto's going to grow up to be a heartbreaker_, Kakashi thought sagely as he pocketed his winnings. _That Hyuuga girl was in total rapture. So was the Aburame boy. Hell, even the philistine with a puppy came to listen, and he was just reading a romance novel out loud! As for Kurenai, I knew she was a closet sap. Mwahahahaha!_

Thus, with a certain amount of pride for his student, and for being Right, Kakashi vanished without a trace.

Only to reappear just in time to watch Naruto bade Team Kurenai farewell after narrating five chapters of _Pride and Prejudice_. Naruto had to dish out some promises before he could actually leave. Kurenai and Aburame Shino wanted the rest of the story quite badly, and they wouldn't let him go before he set up a time and date. Hinata was far easier to bypass, as she kneeled over in a dead faint the moment Naruto patted her shoulder.

Kakashi tailed Naruto at a distance. Oblivious to his Jounin sensei's watchful eyes, Naruto skipped back to the heart of Konoha humming something catchy and retro (Kakashi refused to admit he found the tune catchy _because _it was retro). Then several meters away from Tora Gate, Naruto stopped, and stood still as shudders ran through his body.

Once the shudders subsided, Naruto held up a hand and flexed his fingers a few times.

"It's early," he muttered.

… _Ah._ Kakashi mentally checked the date on the lunar calendar. Yes, it was going to be moonless tonight, but there were still many hours before nightfall. It was definitely too early for the Dark Moon phenomenon to occur.

The Dark Moon phenomenon was something Kakashi discovered while he and his team were at Wave Country. During moonless nights, the demon Chakra circulating inside Naruto's body would diminish to almost nil, and one could actually catch a glimpse of how Naruto would have been like without the Kyuubi. Most of the physical differences were subtle: smaller canines, paler skin, darker eyes, and hair that curled up and paid more respect to gravity (but not that much). The biggest difference was the lack of whisker marks and greater calm in character (but the calmness could be attributed to the fact that Naruto was exhausted during those nights when Kakashi knew he should be looking carefully).

Kakashi had only confided his observations to Iruka, who already knew about it, and Sandaime, who had some inkling. Between the three of them, they decided this phenomenon should be known to as few people as possible, since some smart-ass would likely use this lunar phase correlation to wrongly conclude Naruto would likely go berserk during a full moon. As far as Kakashi knew, the Dark Moon phenomenon was more like a dip in a steady signal, and only happened at night. So why was it happening in the height of day?

"Damn. And I was going to meet Konohamaru too," Naruto grumbled. He actually looked thoughtful for a moment, then: "Ah well. I guess I can't play Ninja with him today."

Now Kakashi was curious. How did the Dark Moon phenomenon factor into Naruto's ability to play with nine-year-old brats? Kakashi added the question to his growing mental list.

Naruto headed straight to the orphan dorms. Once inside his apartment, Naruto started changing: He tossed away his orange jacket and pants in opposite directions. His T-shirt was discarded in a similar manner. His forehead protector was carefully placed on top of his dresser. He even removed his face wrappings, something he rarely did even in the privacy (…) of his own room. Once he was down to his boxers and undershirt, Naruto put on a pair of pants and a collared tunic that must have started out as dark gray, but too many washes turned it into grayish beige. Then he covered his hair and neck with a white veil with black edges— something Kakashi remembered Vivian wearing at all times— and fastened it with a rosary.

_Why is he dressing up like a nun_? Kakashi wondered, _What about the curse?_ Naruto, of all people, should know what would happen if he walked around Konoha wearing gray. But then again, Naruto knew a lot more about his peculiarities than other people…

Fifteen minutes later, Naruto left his apartment virtually unrecognizable. Kakashi waited for some disaster to fall upon Naruto's non-orange/yellow clothes, but Konoha remained blissfully undisturbed while Naruto walked through her streets. Kakashi wrote down this tidbit of information on his mental list of observations, and tacked a note saying '_might be related to the Dark Moon phenomenon_' next to it. Then he placed his focus back on more pressing questions, such as: '_where is he going?_' and '_what the hell is he up to!_?'

'_Where is he going?_' was answered quickly enough. Naruto made a beeline to the Shima District, a small section of Konoha devoted for those who sought religion and holiness. Once Naruto's destination was determined, the question '_what the hell is he up to!_?' gained a more hyster— _alarmed_ edge inside of Kakashi's head. For prudent reasons: the monks of Shima District were in the forefront of those who advocated Naruto's premature death twelve years ago. Some of them still were, as a matter of fact. It was probably unwise for Naruto to venture in without a guard. Good thing Kakashi was here…

… Never mind. Hardly anyone paid attention to Naruto as he quietly walked past the imposing shrines and temples. Some monks even seemed to know him, but not as Naruto, or else they wouldn't be smiling so benevolently like that. Kakashi's suspicions were confirmed when one of the junior monks greeted him as 'Jeromi'.

Naruto stopped in front of a small, run-down building standing in the heart of Shima. Kakashi immediately recognized it as the sanitarium/school/orphanage Vivian founded some fifteen years ago. It used to be a lively place, back in the day when Vivian still lived in Konoha. Now, rumor had it the sanitarium and its inhabitants were abandoned, even by the nuns who founded it. Konoha certainly hasn't seen Vivian's fellow sisters since The Unspeakable Incident.

"Jeromi!"

Apparently, the rumors were exaggerated somewhat. There was still one nun left.

Naruto broke into his trademark face-splitting grin. "Hey, Penguin, how are ya?"

In his hiding place, Kakashi fisted his hair, silently howling: _Noooooo! You cretin! You do NOT address a nun 'hey how are ya'!_

"You little cretin, how many times have I told you to address me as Mother?" the elderly nun said while giving Naruto a familiar look of fond exasperation.

Naruto pulled a face. "Okay, fine, _Mother_. I got it. Can I have my hug now?"

Mother obliged and gave Naruto a kiss too while she was at it. Really, these Niiminjin folk were just waaay too cuddly for someone born and bred in Konoha.

When they were done greeting and calling each other names (…) Mother said, "Well, aren't you early today? I wasn't expecting you until nightfall."

Naruto rubbed the back of his veil-covered neck sheepishly. "Yeah, well, The Release came a lot earlier than usual, and I wasn't sure how long it was going to last. But enough of that: is there anything I can do to help?"

"As a matter of fact, there is." Mother held out a velvet-covered bucket that had seen better days. "We need more funds to fix the roof. Can you go out and collect some donations?"

Naruto took the bucket. "I could fix the roof," he offered.

"Absolutely not, we all know what happened the _last_ time you tried to fix the roof."

"Leave me alone," Naruto grumbled. "How much to you need, anyway?"

"About two thousand," Mother sighed, "Barring that, at least five hundred so we could do some emergency roofing to survive the monsoon season."

Naruto actually looked worried. "Yeah, that sounds about right…"

An awkward silence fell between them. Then Naruto fished out a grubby envelope from his pocket, and deposited it into the donation bucket.

"Oh, no you don't," Mother protested. "I know you're rather short too."

Naruto shook his head. "I'll be fine." Then he made a playful swipe at Mother's headdress and ran off. "See ya!"

"Why you…! _Get back here_!"

Of course, Naruto refused to stop. He just slowed down long enough to turn and wave merrily, and went back to running at full speed. Mother didn't bother to follow. She just stood in front of the dilapidated sanitarium, shaking her head.

"That boy, what am I going to do with him?"

_Hey, that's _my_ line_, Kakashi thought as he took off as well. Damn it, why did he come? Now he couldn't help but think about how things came to this.

Kakashi could almost see the progression: Naruto, at some earlier point of his life, learns helping out the needy is a Good Thing and resolves to do just that. First he tries to give whatever he can scrape up to the humanitarian organizations in Konoha (Kakashi shuddered at the thought of Naruto visiting the Kyuubi Attack Foundation), but they fucking refuse. Then he meets Mother Penguin. Naruto tries to visit Mother Penguin, but the monks chase him out (or bodily throw him out; Kakashi shuddered at either thought). Instead of washing his hands of the matter, like any other reasonable person, Naruto tries to enter the Shima District using _subterfuge_. When _henge_ fails him—and it _would_ have failed him; the temple grounds in Konoha were made ninjutsu and genjutsu free— Naruto tries various disguises. Naruto may or may not have discovered his Curse of the Orange Clothes through his attempts to disguise himself, but he most definitely discovered the Dark Moon phenomenon this way. Eventually 'Jeromi' was born, and the rest is history.

"Stubborn, stupid little _**brat**_," Kakashi hissed quietly. Naruto was such an outrageous hodgepodge of stupidity and cunning, his head hurt just thinking about it. And whenever he witnessed this side of Naruto, he was always left feeling moved, wanting to hurt someone, overwhelmed at the burden of being Naruto's Jounin sensei, or a combination of all three.

Sometimes, ignorance really was bliss.

00000

Kakashi continued to observe Naruto for the rest of the afternoon, though he didn't know exactly _why_ he kept following the boy around. After that little scene in Shima District, figuring out Naruto's Super Secret Plan ® didn't seem all that urgent anymore. Perhaps some higher instincts were at work.

Bah, who was he kidding? A large part of him just wanted to make absolutely sure no harm would befall Naruto while he collected donations. He certainly couldn't help but worry whenever the older shinobi poked, prodded and petted 'Jeromi' to make sure he wasn't fake. Kakashi didn't have to intervene, though, as 'Jeromi' passed all their authenticity tests. Speaking of authenticity tests, each time 'Jeromi' passed one, the donations would double. And speaking of donations, it was cynically amusing to see the citizens of Konoha ascend into unknown heights of generosity at the sight of a boy who looked like mini-Vivian.

After two hours of collecting, Naruto started trudging back to Shima District.

"That went really well," he murmured, marveling at the donation bucket in his arms. It no longer resembled a bucket but a velvet beach ball that had bills sticking out of its top. Mother Penguin had nothing to worry about now, that was for sure.

"Excuse me!"

"Hey! My grandpa told me to give this to you!"

Naruto (and Kakashi) flinched at Sakura and Konohamaru & Co.'s voices. Then Naruto turned around with a sorry excuse for a benevolent smile on his face.

"Hai…?"

Sakura's eyes went wide, "Naruto?"

"No! No! I'm not!" Naruto was quick to deny, very unconvincingly.

Kakashi dropped his face into his palms. _He's done for._

Then Naruto was saved. Konohamaru, with all the imperiousness of a nine-year-old, said: "That's not Naruto niichan. Naruto niichan has whisker marks on his cheeks."

"And he can't wear clothes that aren't orange or yellow," Sakura murmured, remembering.

Naruto remained silent this time…smart boy.

Eventually Sakura bowed. "_Gomennasai_, I thought you were someone else."

Naruto bowed back. "It's all right. I get that a lot."

Kakashi damn near fell out of the tree he was hiding in. Hearing Naruto use Perfectly Polite Speech, and 'watashi' on top of it, was just too much.

While Kakashi recuperated, Naruto accepted Sakura and Sandaime's donations. Konohamaru scrutinized 'Jeromi' as he put in an extra-thick envelope into the donation bucket/beach ball.

Then, out of the blue, Konohamaru asked: "Are you a girl?"

Naruto blinked. "…No."

"Do you like boys then?"

Naruto's eye twitched. "_**No**_. Why do you ask?"

"I thought you could be our Leader's new girlfriend! Or boyfriend!" Konohamaru announced to the world.

Kakashi almost fell out of his tree again. _WHAT THE FUCK!_?

"Boyfriend?" repeated Naruto, looking completely pole-axed.

"Yeah!" the nine-year-old yowled.

"But _why_?" asked Naruto. He looked like he was about to cry.

"Well, we used to think that pink haired neechan over there was okay, even if she's ugly, but we changed our minds! She's mean! Our Leader can do better!"

"But why a boyfriend?" asked Naruto, almost desperately, "Why not a _girl_friend?"

"We can't find a good enough girl," Konohamaru explained. "And Hiruma-san told us our Leader wouldn't mind a boyfriend."

"I… see…"

Naruto stared at the skies, like he was praying for divine intervention. When the heavens weren't forthcoming, Naruto looked down at Konohamaru, showing more restraint than Kakashi ever gave him credit for.

"You should run now," he said.

Naruto's enigmatic statement became clear very quickly. Not a second after he finished talking, Sakura descended upon Konohamaru & Co. burning hellfire. The three brats ran for their lives, screaming…

And bumped into a teenager wearing a black cat-suit and face paint. From his vantage point, Kakashi couldn't make out the village insignia on Cat-suit's forehead protector, but it didn't look like Konoha's leaf symbol. A quick look through binoculars confirmed Cat-suit's village of origin: _Suna_. Continued observation showed Kakashi Cat-suit had a thing for bullying children: he hauled up Konohamaru by the scuff of his scarf and ranted something about hating midgets, especially younger ones who were rude, to the point of wanting to kill them.

Cat-suit was aiming a punch for Sandaime's hapless grandson, when Naruto caught up with the group. He left the donation bucket with Sakura, and motioned Moegi and Udon to stand behind her.

"Let go of him," Naruto demanded.

Cat-suit halted his punch to spare Naruto a look. Naruto returned the look with a glare as he marched towards Konohamaru. Cat-suit released his fist, and flicked his right forefinger. A Chakra string shot out from his fingertip. Naruto brought up his right hand in response. A miniature gale wind of Chakra blasted out of Naruto's palm, and batted the Chakra string away.

Kakashi barely suppressed a shiver. Unless his eye was deceiving him, Naruto just successfully performed the Heavy Chakra jutsu _**Bato**_.

Cat-suit and Naruto fell into a deadlock. From the way Naruto's eyes kept flickering towards Konohamaru, Kakashi could tell the only reason why Naruto didn't cast a second _**Bato**_ was because the kid was within blast range. Cat-suit must have realized this, because he didn't let go of Konohamaru, despite the fact he was straining to keep the boy dangling in the air.

The deadlock shattered when a rock hit Cat-suit squarely on the wrist. Cat-suit lost his grip, and Konohamaru fell to the ground.

All eyes converged on Sasuke, who was lounging on a tree branch, juggling a palm-sized rock. Kakashi didn't have to actively process his lip movements to see Sasuke was telling Cat-suit to get lost. That started another barbed exchange, this time between Sasuke and Cat-suit. Naruto didn't butt in, as he usually did when Sasuke picked a fight, but kept an eye on his teammates while moving the nine-year-olds out of the danger zone.

The barbed exchange quickly degenerated, and Cat-suit was ready to take out his weapons—the wrapped package on his back. That was when Kakashi caught something red hanging upside-down on a branch, a little ways behind Sasuke. A closer look showed the red thing was actually a redheaded _Suna_ Genin bearing a gourd.

A few choice words from the redhead stopped the fight from actually happening. A few more choice words sent Cat-suit quaking in his skin. Once Cat-suit was effectively subdued, the redhead left the tree, and reappeared next to his/her fellow _Suna _Genin in a swirl of sand. The redhead said a few more words to Cat-suit, before turning around to leave.

Sasuke stopped the redhead. Kakashi couldn't see what Sasuke was saying, but some time later he and the redhead exchanged names. Then they directed their attention to Naruto. The redhead posed his/her question first, to which Naruto answered 'Jeromi' with a bemused expression on his face. Sasuke posed the next question, and Naruto's first reaction put Kakashi off-kilter.

Never, in a thousand years, did he expect Naruto to make such an expression of raw hurt, even for a split second.

On the next blink, however, Naruto nodded with a perfectly neutral expression on his face. That left Kakashi wondering if he was imagining things. Certainly, neither Sasuke nor the redhead appeared to be surprised. In fact, there was a look of grim satisfaction on Sasuke's face. The Genin from Suna lingered a little longer afterwards, but then they abruptly took off, leaving Naruto at Sasuke's tender mercies.

Kakashi decided it was high time for him to intervene.

"Yo."

"Kyaaa! Kakashi-sensei, what are you doing here?" Sakura squealed.

Kakashi pretended to look bemused. "I heard there's a nun walking around taking donations. I figured I'd pitch in a few Ryo myself."

"Oh! Erm…" Sakura looked at the bucket in her arms, like she just noticed its presence. She immediately handed it back to Naruto, flushing like a fire engine. "Sorry…"

Naruto took back the bucket wordlessly. The way he had his head bowed in a perfectly demure and polite fashion was just too wrong for Kakashi to bear.

So Kakashi looked elsewhere. And found at least six people hiding in strategic locations. How long they'd been hiding, Kakashi didn't know. _Why_ they were hiding, Kakashi could make several guesses. _Trying to rob a nun, huh?_

"Let me escort you back to Shima," said Kakashi to Naruto. Though he worded it like an offer, he wasn't making a suggestion. Just to make sure he got his point across, Kakashi gripped Naruto's boney shoulder and didn't let go until Naruto agreed and let Kakashi steer him away.

They did not speak until they reached Shima. Predictably, Naruto was the one who broke the silence.

"You've been following me around all day, haven't you?" he accused.

Kakashi didn't bother to deny it. "Maa, I just wanted to be sure my precious student doesn't get mugged after spending his Springtime of Youth for a noble cause…"

"…Okay. You can stop now."

Silence fell between them again. Naruto started pinching the bridge of his nose. It was an oddly uncertain gesture that didn't quite suit him.

"Are you going to tell…?" he asked.

"Yes," said Kakashi, "Iruka-sensei definitely, if you haven't done so already…Sandaime too."

Naruto hunched his shoulders.

"But beyond those two, I don't think anyone else has to know."

Two seconds later Kakashi had Naruto clinging to his mid-rift like a limpet.

"Waaaaaah! Sensei, I love you!"

Kakashi was never going to get used to this. "Yeah…sure… whatever. Now get off."

But Naruto wouldn't let go. "Nihihihihi…!"

"Saaa…" Kakashi sighed. "Fine, you can cling. But answer me this."

Naruto looked up adorably.

"What was your plan?"

Now Naruto looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Well, it wasn't _my_ plan," he started. "I asked Hiruma-san to help me out, and he didn't tell me all the details—"

"But you figured it out."

Naruto buried his face into Kakashi's vest like a scared puppy. Kakashi refused to dwell on the cuteness of this.

"I'm waiting…"

Naruto took a peek.

"You're not going kill me?"

"I will not kill you." _The same cannot be said for Hiruma. _

"No retribution?"

"None."

"Okay."

Naruto 'fessed up.

When he was done, Kakashi closed his eye, and told himself that no matter how therapeutic screaming and ranting in an unknown language might be, the repercussions were just not worth it. So Kakashi harnessed his fury, and reviewed his options.

It was a good thing he only had one.

"I'll be back," Kakashi said, very, very quietly. Then, he vanished.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	12. Veritas vos liberavit

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Veritas vos liberavit  
00000

When Kakashi reappeared again, he was some three hundred meters away from Shima. Upon re-materialization, Kakashi broke into a run. He raced past many an oblivious passerby— making a perilous jump that covered the six meter gap between two buildings at one point— barged into the Ninja Academy, and slid open a much-frequented classroom door.

Iruka was there, frozen where he'd been writing on the blackboard. There were some thirty plus kids in the classroom too, but Kakashi didn't care about them.

"Naruto—Plan—have to Stop!" he babbled.

Iruka studied Kakashi for a moment. Then he turned his glance back to his students.

"This Jounin has lost his mind. That means he's very dangerous, especially for you lot. So leave the classroom like you're on an emergency drill. Got that? Now GO!"

The students obediently lined up and left the classroom. Iruka closed the door behind them, and then turned to face Kakashi, legs apart, hands on hips, and face stern.

"Now, Kakashi-sensei, collect yourself. Then tell me the reason for disturbing my class in fifty seconds."

………_Scary!_ Kakashi took a deep breath and started over. "Someone is trying to set the two of us up."

"Yes, I know that," Iruka said, very calmly. "I believe Naruto's been instructing Konohamaru and his group to set up 'accidental encounters' between you and me. He also made Gai_-_sensei ask me of your welfare. Is something similar happening to you?"

…Okay. So his previous explanation wasn't adequate. Kakashi tried again: "No. And you got it wrong. Naruto's not behind this plot, it's Hiruma. Heaven knows why, but the bastard wants us to be …" —Kakashi forced himself to say it— "…a _couple_…as in, _romantically involved._"

It took a while for Kakashi to figure out the extremely peculiar expression that spread across Iruka's face. Never had he seen someone look like a fish thrown across molten lava.

"…_Explain_," Iruka managed to strangle out.

Kakashi started with the facts: Hiruma agreed to help Naruto in his efforts to reconcile them _without_ telling Naruto exactly _how_ he was going to help. Then he iterated his (Naruto's) speculations: After learning Kakashi and Iruka had a spat, Hiruma convinced Konohamaru that matchmaking on behalf of Iruka-sensei would be the best prank _ever_; then he planted into Konohamaru's easily influenced mind that if one is matchmaking for a guy, but there are no good (enough) ladies available, then looking for a good _man_ is the best alternative; then he suggested _Kakashi _as one of those suitable males for Iruka-sensei—

"—Okay. That explains Konohamaru," said Iruka, sounding more composed while still looking just as gobsmacked as before. "But how did you find out Naruto asked Hiruma for help?"

"Naruto told me."

"And Naruto told you _willingly_?"

Cue Eyes Demanding the Truth!

"…I kind of forced him," Kakashi confessed, despite his natural inclination to lie through his teeth.

"You _forced_ him?" Iruka repeated, torn between admiration and outrage. Then he stopped. "Wait. You said nothing strange happened to you. And there wouldn't have been. Hiruma isn't stupid. But if that's the case, how did you figure out there was a plot brewing at all? Unless…"

Kakashi closed his eyes, hoping against hope…

"NARUTO _TOLD YOU_ HE HAD A PLAN, DIDN'T HE?"

…Alas, his hopes were in vain. Truly and royally caught, Kakashi remained silent in his guilt. The Jounin's silence told Iruka all he wanted to know, and the result of that knowledge was terrible to behold.

"_AND YOU LET HIM GO AHEAD!_?" Iruka positively howled, "_WHY!_?"

"…I was curious," Kakashi explained, very lamely.

And that was it. Iruka snapped. Kakashi watched with morbid fascination as Iruka drew back his palm into a familiar stance. But rather than dodging the incoming _**Bato**_, Kakashi let Iruka have the shot. He deserved it, anyway…

…_I'm a fucking idiot,_ Kakashi decided as he sailed across the classroom. Then his head collided with the door and he blacked out.

00000

The first thing Kakashi noticed upon regaining consciousness was the smell of antiseptic and the sensation of his back pressing against a lumpy mattress. Now, if only Kakashi stopped there and didn't open his eyes to confirm whether he was in the Infirmary or not, he wouldn't have shot out of bed and landed in a crumpled heap head first. As it was, Kakashi's skull had to suffer twice. Worse, Iruka was there and saw the whole thing.

Sometimes, it really, _really_ sucked to be him.

"You are the _dumbest_ genius I know," Iruka declared as he put Kakashi back to bed.

"There are others?"

"Of course there are," Iruka inspected the huge lump on the back of Kakashi's head. Then he checked Kakashi's right eyeball. "It doesn't look like you're suffering brain damage," he said.

"_Yippee_," Kakashi grumbled as looked around, glaring at his surroundings. "Since when did the Academy stash weapons in the Infirmary?"

"Since last week. It's only temporary though. We'll move all the weapons once the old armory is fixed."

"Oh. Well. It would be nicer if you didn't hang swords on the ceiling, sharp-end down."

"Where is the fun in that?" Iruka said cheerfully. Then, on a more somber tone, he said: "But enough joking. We have a problem to address."

"Yes," Kakashi said morosely. "What are we going to do? You know how Hiruma is like. He's going to hound us until he get what he wants."

"Perhaps if we figure out his _real_ objective, we'll know what to do," Iruka suggested.

"Good idea." Kakashi started thinking. "Is there a chance Hiruma is doing Naruto a favor?"

Iruka firmly shook his head. "Hiruma never does _anything_ for free."

"…True," Kakashi sighed. "So, Naruto must have offered Hiruma a deal. Since he doesn't have any collateral, it must have been some kind of service."

Iruka clutched his head. "What kind of deal can a _twelve-year-old _Genin offer to THE most infamous _underground boss _of Niiminjin?"

Kakashi had a lot of ideas, but he didn't have the heart to voice them. "Whatever it is, I'm sure Naruto will tell us if we just ask."

"You think?" Iruka said dubiously. "Well, I guess it won't hurt to try. I'll ask him when he comes to the Missions Office this evening."

"I can ask him now. I know where he is." Kakashi started to get up.

Iruka pushed him back down. "_Later_," he said, with a voice and eyes that brooked no rebellion. "Knowing what kind of deal Naruto offered to Hiruma can only help us so much. We need to know what Hiruma has in store for us to counteract properly."

"You mean you want to make a backup plan in case we can't overturn Naruto's offer," Kakashi clarified.

"Yes." _Glare_, Iruka version.

"…Fine," Kakashi started thinking again. It was interesting, from a scientific point of view, that his brain was still functional despite the Influence. "I guess it all hangs on whether or not Hiruma is serious about turning us into a… an _item_."

"You think this matchmaking campaign might be a fluke to get us to talk?" Iruka asked, looking skeptical.

"It's possible," Kakashi argued. "that Hiruma is using Konohamaru as our primary matchmaker substantiates this idea. Certainly no one would take our predicament seriously if a nine-year-old is leading the matchmaking campaign. If anything, they'd reprimand the nine-year-old for having deviant ideas."

Iruka nodded. "You have a point. But…your theory doesn't explain _Gai-sensei_."

_D'oh! _Kakashi couldn't believe he forgot about Gai. But, "I doubt _anyone_ would willingly manipulate Gai for their own purposes. But either way, we won't know for sure until Gai starts talking about the Spirit of Youth and Forgiveness and Love and whatever, and by then it would be too late."

Iruka nodded wordlessly. Both of them sat in silence, thinking.

Then Iruka's face lit up.

"You know, Kakashi-san, we might want to experiment."

Kakashi's ears perked. "What do you have in mind?"

"If Hiruma's plan ends with our reconciliation, then our visible _show_ of reconciliation should end all efforts to 'bring us together'," Iruka said. "We don't have to be too obvious. You can just come over for dinner as usual, and Naruto can inform Hiruma."

Kakashi nodded, relieved in more ways than he could say. "And if the plan ends with a … _liaison_ forming between you and me, then we can make contingency plans."

"One that doesn't involve assassinating civilians," Iruka added.

_Damn it. I wanted to murder Hiruma._ "Of course," Then Kakashi remembered they were in the middle of giving each other the silent treatment. "Eh, do you mind pretending?"

Iruka looked very amused. "I won't be pretending."

Kakashi blinked. "You're not angry at me?"

"I haven't been angry at you since the day of the meeting."

That shocked Kakashi. "But—"

"You've been preparing them ever since you came back from Wave Country, haven't you?" Iruka intercepted. "All those extra mission shifts you signed up for the last month, really, I should have seen it coming. Still, it would have been nice if you warned me _before _the meeting."

Kakashi just stared at Iruka. No way. No way was he getting off this easily.

"I need to resume class," Iruka said, changing the subject. "Let's talk more over dinner. In the meantime, why don't you go find Naruto?"

Kakashi nodded wordlessly, too drunk on mental vertigo to speak. But he was not so far gone as to forget he had publicly humiliated Iruka. Surely he had to pay the price for that. Whatever it was, Kakashi hoped it would be within his ability to provide.

00000

Kakashi hoped to recover from his mental vertigo once he left the Academy. Kakashi also expected his hopes to be dashed, slaughtered and brutalized once Naruto re-entered the picture.

In this case, Kakashi's expectations came true.

When Kakashi returned to the Shima District, he found Naruto cooking in the Sanitarium kitchens. The sight of the Genin working so quietly and obediently had disturbed Kakashi so much, he almost set himself on fire as he backed away and walked into a stove.

"You know, most adults _like_ kids who are quiet and obedient," Naruto said, once he stopped laughing at his teacher.

"I am not one of those sad, sad adults," said Kakashi with dignity. "Speaking of which, if you do that meek-boy act in front of me _one more time_ I'm punting you over Hell's Gate."

Naruto grinned.

"This doesn't mean you're banned from using manners," Kakashi was quick to add. "As a matter of fact, I liked your polite speech. Why don't you keep it?"

As expected, that horrified Naruto. "Hell, NOOOOO!" he howled.

"Oh, come on now, it can't be that bad," Kakashi chided, only half-seriously.

"It _so _can be that bad!" Naruto shouted. "It's awkward and weird and I'll sound like an old man!"

"And what's so wrong about _that_?"

"…You motherfucker, you _want _me to curse every other goddamn sentence, don't you?!"

Kakashi beamed. Thus satisfied at knowing Naruto was still the loud, irritatingly cute, rude-as-all-hell runt he knew, Kakashi went for the hunt in peace.

"What did you offer Hiruma in exchange for the plan?"

Naruto started at the question tossed out of the blue, and didn't recover quickly enough to hide his alarm. "I didn't offer Hiruma-san a deal," he said defensively.

_He's trying to use Machiavellian logic against me. Awww…_ "What did he _demand_ from you, then?"

Naruto scowled up at Kakashi. Kakashi glared down at Naruto…Deadlock.

This time, Naruto was the one who looked away. "I have to sing."

Kakashi lifted an eyebrow. "That's it?"

"Of _course_ that's not just it," Naruto snarled. "I have to sing on a stage, before an audience, in front of a panel of goddamn judges!"

"Ah." Kakashi withheld his sadistic laughter. "So you have to participate in a singing contest."

"Audition," Naruto corrected.

Kakashi chuckled. "Whatever. I'm sure you'll be fine. It's not as if you can accept any offers while you're still a Genin."

"Yeah, that makes me feel _sooo_ much better." Naruto crossed his arms and glared at Kakashi. "What about you? Do you have a counter plan, or are you just going to kill Hiruma-san and be done with it?"

"I did consider killing Hiruma. But," Kakashi sighed mournfully. "Seemingly law-abiding civilians are off-limits, even if they're underground overlords. So I'll be cooperating with Iruka-sensei instead."

A look of relief flashed across Naruto's face, followed by a visible sagging of shoulders. On the next look, Naruto's expression was as grouchy as ever.

"_Finally_," he grumped. "It took ya long enough."

Then he turned his face away to hide his wide grin.

_Just a little bastard pretending to be macho,_ Kakashi thought fondly. But perhaps that was to be expected. For all his rudeness and manipulative tendencies, Naruto was quite sensitive and empathetic. Why else would he go the extra mile and try to reconcile his teachers?

"Yosh, once I'm done here, we can go shopping!" said Naruto, all pumped up now.

"Shopping?" Kakashi repeated.

"_Grocery _shopping," Naruto confirmed.

Kakashi lifted his eyebrow. "You're going to go wearing that?"

"Why not? My hair's not going to uncurl until the day after tomorrow, and I get better deals when I go out like this."

"You might get caught," Kakashi pointed out. _You're getting too comfortable in that getup…_

"I know." Naruto looked up. "But you'll be there and make sure nothing bad happens, right?"

Then he smiled, wide-eyed and innocent.

…

……

………

…_Holy goddamn fucking SHIT! Since _when _did Naruto acquire Iruka's Angel Eyes? _Fuck _it all to hell! I thought only Iruka was capable of having them…!_

Damn it, this just wasn't his day.

00000

The rest of the afternoon progressed without an incident. That is to say, Naruto didn't get caught and Kakashi was not subject to the Influence again. But Kakashi's brain went on overdrive with questions that refused to be answered. By the time Naruto finished shopping and changed back to his regular orange outfit, there was figurative smoke coming out of Kakashi's ears.

Iruka picked up on Kakashi's clogged state of mind in one look.

"You look like you have a lot on your mind, Kakashi-san," he commented, as he let them in.

"I do have a lot of questions," said Kakashi.

Iruka smiled. "Let's start working on them, then."

So, while Naruto did unspeakable things inside Iruka's kitchen, Kakashi first reported Naruto's second identity to provide context. The discussion that followed answered a lot of questions Kakashi asked himself at one point or another, and then some.

"I am at a loss," Iruka said after Kakashi finished reporting. "On one hand, I want to praise Naruto for being so determined to do what is good. On the other hand, I want to pound some people senseless for forcing Naruto into using _subterfuge_ in order to _do_ what is good."

"Do the former. There are too many people to massacre to do the latter," said Kakashi.

"You're planning on taking care of the latter yourself, aren't you?" Iruka correctly guessed. Then he sighed. "Normally, I'd give you my blessings, but now I must ask you to refrain."

"Why?"

"Naruto suffers nervous breakdowns after someone avenges him behind his back."

A short pause fell between the two teachers.

"Okay," Kakashi said, putting aside his utter disbelief for the moment. "Disregarding the unlikelihood of Naruto of the Iron Senses having the capability of _having_ nervous breakdowns, AND assuming he has the ability to figure out if someone avenged him behind his back, why would he have a nervous breakdown for such a reason?"

"I only have a hypothesis on the why," said Iruka. "But I assure you, Naruto _is_ capable of having nervous breakdowns. He had one five days ago, as a matter of fact."

Kakashi didn't know that. "What happened?"

"Let's just say Lee and Gai-sensei witnessed injustice at the marketplace."

"…Oh," Kakashi shuddered. "So what is your hypothesis, sensei?"

Iruka started rubbing the back of his neck. "Ever since I failed to answer Sasuke's question on why he's having so much trouble learning Heavy Chakra, I've been reviewing the notes the previous Masters left behind. I haven't found anything on _that_ yet, but I found something interesting."

"And that is?"

"According to the Third Master, those who have a sufficient amount of refined Heavy Chakra can either become hypersensitive receivers or transmitters of human emotions."

Kakashi blinked a good number of times. Then he took a deep, calming breath.

"Let me get this straight," Kakashi started. "You're suggesting _Naruto_ might have gained the ability to perceive other people's emotions via Heavy Chakra."

Iruka nodded.

"So whenever someone avenges Naruto without his knowledge and he encounters the 'victim' afterwards, Naruto is able to feel the resentment and anger directed towards him. This bombardment of negative emotions is the cause of Naruto's nervous breakdowns."

Nod.

"And this is the real nature of Naruto's preternatural perception, and your ability to influence other people's emotions."

Nod.

Kakashi dropped his face into his hands. "So that's why he can do it too…"

"Who can do what too?" Iruka asked.

Kakashi told him of Naruto's acquisition of Iruka's Angel Eye (Technique) and his possible willful use.

"…So he can do it too," said Iruka, dazed. "The world trembles."

Kakashi nodded empathetically. "But it supports your theory."

"Yes," Iruka blushed. "It also explains your growing immunity against the Umino Effect."

"…The _Umino Effect_?" Kakashi repeated as his mind gleefully hijacked his brain to run over the full implications of the term. Then he noticed something. "Wait. You mean I'm well on my way to gain full immunity from the Influence like Naruto?"

"It's likely," Iruka confirmed.

Kakashi actually thanked God for a full second.

"Okay. So that explains one of Naruto's strange abilities," said Kakashi, a lot happier now. "But why does he have immunity against _your_ influence, but powerless against the negative emotions emitted from other people?"

"Well, that's the hole in my theory…"

"DINNER'S READY!"

Thus the discussion was interrupted, and the counter measures were not discussed. But Kakashi figured, since it was a bit early in the game, and Naruto wouldn't be in the running once he entered the Chuunin exams, they could afford to wait and observe a little longer.

Kakashi had no idea how wrong he was.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	13. Cultural Conundrums

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo.

00000  
Cultural Conundrums  
00000

Kakashi's assumption, that he had time to wait and see Hiruma's plot unfold, received its first blow two minutes after conception. Right after Naruto set down the food and tableware (first minute), and kept an eye on Kakashi to ensure the food didn't vanish without notice (second minute), the boy posed a question.

"Na, Kakashi-sensei, do you know where the Eyebr— _Gai-sensei_ lives?"

Kakashi felt his stomach cramp in foreboding. "Why do you want to know where Gai lives?"

"He treated us all to dinner during that mission at Niiminjin, right? That means we owe him a meal. I was thinking about giving him a bento or something."

Naruto's reasoning, while logical, seemed weak to Kakashi. "That's all?"

"Uh-huh."

Kakashi and Iruka exchanged looks. Then Iruka pinned Naruto down with Eyes Demanding the Truth.

"…W-why are you glaring at me?" Naruto growled three seconds after exposure. He was definitely a hard nut to crack.

But then, Iruka was the current master of Heavy Chakra. Iruka powered up his glare by a notch. Naruto's defiance broke on the next second.

"It's Fuzzy Bro— I mean, _Lee_," Naruto grudgingly explained. "I recently found out he lives off of homemade nutrient smoothies and soldier rations. Now forget weird, that's just not _right_."

Iruka turned off his preternatural glare and nodded empathetically. "So you wanted to feed Lee normal food. That's very nice of you."

"Why are you giving Gai food when it's Lee you want to feed?" asked Kakashi.

"Fuzz— Lee won't accept any," said Naruto. "So I figured, since he won't refuse his sensei, I'd ask Lord Eye— _Gai-sensei._"

"I see." Iruka took a sip from his coffee mug. "You didn't have to hide that."

Naruto scowled but didn't say anything. Kakashi recognized the stubborn pout and chuckled. _Still a chibi macho…_

"If you want to feed Lee without giving him a chance to refuse, you should use the IOU excuse and approach the team as a whole," Kakashi advised.

"I see," said Naruto, agenda book out. "Where can I find Team Gai?"

"They usually meet at the upper balcony of the Ninja Academy, but their meeting time is before the crack of dawn and they leave for training immediately after."

"They reconvene at the Academy for lunch, though," Iruka said. "You can catch them during recess."

"Okay." Naruto made the appropriate notes on his calendar. Then he started chewing his pen, a frown crinkling the spot between his eyebrows. It looked like he was scheming. But before either teacher could interrogate him over that matter, Naruto began to eat double-time.

"I gotta leave early today," Naruto said between mouthfuls. "Oh, and I'm done with the books you gave me, Kakashi-sensei. I'll give them back to you tomorrow."

"What books?" asked Iruka.

"The brain anatomy references Kakashi-sensei checked out for me," Naruto answered.

Iruka dropped his coffee mug.

"…_**Brain Anatomy**_ references?" he repeated, first staring at Naruto, then at Kakashi.

Kakashi avoided Iruka's glance. He didn't know why Naruto had wanted the brain anatomy references. In fact, he had forgotten about the references he lent to Naruto six months ago. But now that he remembered, and knew a lot more about Naruto than he did back in January, Kakashi felt cold-chills run through his body.

Naruto wasn't studious like Sakura or power-hungry like Sasuke, but he was, without a doubt, the most creative experimenter in Team Seven. He constantly thought up new (and crazy) ways of utilizing ninjutsu, and he was never afraid of trying out his ideas. This made Naruto very unpredictable in battle, but it also made supervising him utter Hell. Kakashi _still_ had nightmares about the time Naruto tried to develop a fire jutsu that was supposed to be a substitute to matches, and ended up summoning a rabid fireball in which the initial blast alone left a ten-foot long path of destruction, and started a bonfire that nearly took out an entire forest.

To be fair, most of Naruto's failures weren't as spectacular as the match fire jutsu gone wrong. But Naruto's ninjutsu experiments _frequently _failed, and Kakashi often didn't know what Naruto was up to before it was too late. And now it looked like Naruto was trying his hand on _human experimentation_, and just _thinking_ about it made table-induced head trauma very appealing.

"I'm done!" said Naruto, slamming his bowl down on the table and disturbing Kakashi out his dread-laden thoughts with his bloody chirpiness. "See you tomorrow!"

"_Oyasumi_," Kakashi and Iruka called out the same time.

"…Brain anatomy references," Iruka repeated once more, right after Naruto left. "Did he tell you what he needed them for?"

"He said he had a theory he wanted to confirm," Kakashi replied, recalling the momentous day he was hoodwinked by a twelve-year-old. "Which implies he wanted to…" —dramatic pause worthy of Gai— "…_experiment._"

"…I was hoping you wouldn't say that," Iruka said rather weakly. "What should we _do_?"

"If he already did something, it didn't kill him," said Kakashi, uncharacteristically optimistic. "And if he hasn't done something yet, we still have time to catch up."

"Oh yeah…"

So Kakashi and Iruka decided to put Naruto under surveillance. Though both of them knew banning Naruto from experimenting would have been more prudent (and safe), neither had the heart to impose such a ban. Despite the immense collateral damage Naruto usually wrought from implementing his harebrained schemes, his small trickles of successes were always quite intriguing. And there was no guarantee whatever experiment Naruto cooked up _this time_ was going to end in failure. And really, as long as there was someone looking after Naruto, and stopped him before he did something terminally stupid, it was going to be fine…

Having come to this mutually biased and flawed conclusion, Kakashi and Iruka went to stakeout at Naruto's dorm.

00000

As it turned out, the teachers made the right decision for the wrong reasons. When Kakashi and Iruka arrived at the orphan dorms, they did not find Naruto in the middle of blowing up his apartment. Instead they found him typing away on a computer that was no thicker than an average textbook and could be folded in half. Once both teachers got over the existence of impossibly thin foldable computers, they realized Naruto wasn't fooling around with the thing. In fact, it looked like he _knew_ what he was doing.

Needless to say, Kakashi and Iruka were very, _very_ intrigued.

"So the rumors of Niiminjin's technological advancement are true," Iruka whispered.

"Yeah," Kakashi agreed. "Their 100 percent computer literacy rate must be true too."

"…Are you implying if Naruto can handle computers, there's no way anyone else _can't_?"

"Err…"

There was a brief silence while the two teachers avidly watched their mutual student take out a battered-looking gizmo about the size of a grown man's palm from his desk drawer, and connected it to his foldable computer.

"…warui, warui," Kakashi cleared his throat, "But don't you think it's likely?"

"Well—"

Whatever Iruka thought about the matter, Kakashi didn't get to learn. At that moment Naruto, apparently satisfied with all the connections between his machinery, removed the bandages around his neck, revealing an outlet directly embedded into the flesh in the _nape of his neck_.

A long, stunned silence lapsed between the teachers while Naruto plugged a cable into the outlet.

"…Am I seeing what I _think_ I'm seeing, or are we under some strange genjutsu?" Iruka finally asked.

"Let me check." Kakashi lifted his headband. But even with the Sharingan, he couldn't see any abnormal Chakra activity and Naruto still had an outlet embedded into his nape. "It doesn't _look_ like we're under a genjutsu …"

"Shh!"

Naruto plugged the other end of the aforementioned cable into the palm-sized gizmo. Naruto then pushed aside the hair on four different sides of his head, revealing outlets identical to the one embedded into his nape. The Genin plugged in cables for each outlet. Then, with a grimly satisfied look on his face, Naruto typed another string of words on the computer, firmly hit the enter key, and sat back and closed his eyes.

For a while nothing visible happened. Naruto looked completely relaxed; only his eyes flickered beneath the lids. The computer screen turned blank about thirty seconds after Naruto executed his last command. A green light on top of the palm-sized gizmo blinked occasionally, but otherwise it did nothing fancy.

Kakashi was about to accept the situation at face value when Naruto's whole body jolted as if he'd received an electric shock.

For a full second, Kakashi and Iruka just watched, horrified, as Naruto clawed the armrests of his chair and clenched his teeth like he was under great pain. On the next second, they were inside Naruto's apartment, Kakashi ripping off the cables attached to Naruto's head and Iruka pulling out the foldable computer's plug. Together, they carried the convulsing boy to his bed, and laid him there. Naruto's eyes rolled into back of his skull as soon as his head touched the pillow.

"How is he?" Iruka asked. His face was sheet white.

Kakashi placed two fingers on the base of Naruto's neck.

"His breathing is shallow and his pulse is rather high," Kakashi said grimly. "But I can't tell if it's because he passed out, or if something else is wrong with him."

"Should I call the medics?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I have a feeling our medics will be as clueless as we are. They might even make things worse, poking around things they know nothing about."

"What should we do then?"

"We need to contact Lee," said Kakashi, standing up. "I'll call Gai now."

Kakashi managed to reach Gai on the first call. When he explained the situation, Gai became very serious and warned Kakashi against calling the medics. Then he told Kakashi to check Naruto for burns around the outlets.

"No burns," Kakashi reported.

"VERY GOOD!" bellowed Gai over the phone. "I'll be there with Lee in ten minutes! No, _five_ minutes!"

It was comforting to know Gai would probably make it within five minutes. "Okay. See you."

Kakashi hung up. Then he walked back to Naruto and Iruka.

"Gai will be here soon," Kakashi said, "Any changes?"

"None," Iruka brushed away Naruto's bangs, which were soaked in cold sweat. "I hope Lee knows what to do…"

"He will," Kakashi assured him.

Gai and Lee barged into Naruto's apartment two minutes after Kakashi made the phone call. Gai didn't make any grand entrances or proclamations, and just let Lee take over the situation.

"So Naruto-kun has electronic implants too," Lee commented gravely as he checked Naruto's outlets. "He has a different design, though…"

"Is that a problem?" Kakashi asked.

"No sir," Lee answered. "The outlets themselves are the same, so my emergency coolant should work just fine."

Lee went to work. He first took out a small plastic bottle that was topped with five branching tubes from his nin-pouch. He inserted one tube for each outlet, and flipped on a switch attached to the bottle's topper. Within seconds, the coolant did its work, and Naruto started breathing more easily.

Iruka let loose a deep sigh. "Thank you, Lee."

"It was nothing! I was only fulfilling my duty of a friend, just like Gai-sensei taught me!" Lee exclaimed, but he beamed all the same.

"Are we out of the dark now, or do we have to find a doctor?" Kakashi asked.

Lee's smile faltered a bit. "We have to check with a neurologist. I mean, Naruto-kun's _brain_ is at stake…"

"Who should we go to?"

"Eh, Naruto-kun should see his primary neurologist, but I don't know who this person is," said Lee.

"Can he go see yours?"

Lee reddened. "I haven't maintained my implants since I came to Konoha, sir."

_In other words, you don't have one._ "Right…"

There was a brief silence while Kakashi considered this problem. Kakashi then searched through the numerous inner pockets in Naruto's jacket, and found the two items he was looking for.

"This is Naruto's address book," said Kakashi, handing over the infamous agenda book to Lee. "And this is his mobile phone," Lee took the phone, "See if you can find contact info on Hiruma or Kurita or Musashi. If you do, tell them about the situation."

Lee saluted, "Hai!"

Kakashi was slightly surprised when Lee poked around with the phone first. He was further surprised when Lee brought the phone to his ear without pushing enough buttons to call a legal phone number. His surprised was quickly replaced with dread and resignation when he realized the first person Lee contacted was—

"Hiruma-san? Hello, my name is Rock Lee and I'm calling on behalf of Naruto…"

Lee explained situation, using unfamiliar terms such as 'Mod Mem device', 'external trigger system' and 'Active Defense Barrier'. Hiruma's reaction to the explanation was as expected.

"HE DID _WHAT!_? THAT LITTLE GODDAMN ASSHOLE! I _TOLD _HIM NOT TO FUCK AROUND WITH THAT THING!"

Lee squeaked and held the phone at arms length. Gai stood there, frozen for a second, before he retained his senses and took the phone away from Lee.

"This is not for your ears, Lee!" said Gai, tossing the phone to Kakashi and blocking Lee's ears against the barrage of foul language. "This is…"

"…_WHERE IS THAT FUCKING PUNK NOW!_?" Hiruma roared. "FUCK IT; JUST GET HIS GODDAMNED ASS TO THE EBC!"

"The where?"

"ARE YOU BEING DELIBERATELY STUPID OR _WHAT!_? THE _ELECTRONIC BRAIN CENTER__!_ GET HIS GODDAMNED ASS OVER THERE!"

"So, where is the EBC?"

The stream of curses that followed made even Kakashi wince. After spewing out a lengthy profane diatribe, Hiruma roared that he was going to wait for them at Niiminjin's entrance, and hung up the phone.

Silence reigned as the aftereffects of the storm passed.

"…Shall we?" Kakashi said, finally breaking the silence.

Everyone else nodded without speaking a word. After Kakashi gathered up Naruto (who remained blissfully unconscious throughout the storm), and Lee collected Naruto's machinery, they ran into the night.

00000

It took the mismatched team of Konoha Shinobi ten mere minutes to get to Niiminjin's entrance. As promised, Hiruma was waiting for them inside the entrance. Lee took one look at Hiruma and came to a slow halt. None of the adults blamed the Genin for showing such blatant askance. With his gravity-defying blond hair, pointy ears, yellow eyes, and fanged teeth that just couldn't be normal, Hiruma was a disturbing sight.

Nevertheless the shinobi greeted Hiruma according to their natures. In return, Hiruma raised one eyebrow at Gai, raised the other one at Lee, gave Kakashi the finger, and actually said something to Iruka.

"Oh, it's you."

Iruka nodded. "It's been a while, Hiruma-kun."

A squad of Niiminjin medics burst into the scene almost immediately after the exchange. The Niiminjin medics escorted everyone to a large, white walled building that looked like a hospital but didn't smell like one. When they arrived, Naruto was taken to an emergency room with Lee. The adults were firmly directed to the waiting hall. While the three Konoha Shinobi settled into their seats, Hiruma talked to the staff, and then left without telling anyone where he was going.

Kakashi, Iruka and Gai waited for over two hours. Then, finally, a young male doctor, who had an exceptionally large and shiny forehead and bore a name tag that said 'Yukimitsu Manabu', stepped out of the emergency room and headed towards the ensemble of Shinobi.

"He's all right now," Doctor Yukimitsu assured them. "His brainwaves are normal and he suffered no brain damage. He'll wake up soon."

There was a collective sigh of relief. Of course, Gai didn't stop at just that, and gave Doctor Yukimitsu a thumbs-up and exclaimed: "Thank you for saving one of Konoha's precious Youth, Doctor!"

"Um … you're welcome," said Doctor Yukimitsu, understandably overwhelmed. "No need to thank me, really. I'm just doing my job."

"Nevertheless, thank you," said Iruka, smiling. Doctor Yukimitsu literally staggered at the sight of that smile, but managed to return it, much to Kakashi's annoyance. _How _dare_ this man have more start-off immunity to the Influence than him!_

"So what was wrong with Naruto?" Kakashi asked gruffly.

"Are you talking about Jeromi?" Doctor Yukimitsu asked before answering Kakashi's question. "As far as I can see, Jeromi (Naruto) overheated his implants after running a foreign Mod Mem device and went into shock."

The three shinobi gave Doctor Yukimitsu bemused looks. The doctor noticed their blank expressions and asked: "How much do you know about neural implants?"

"I know that they exist, and making them burn while they are still inside a person's head is bad," Kakashi answered.

"I see," Doctor Yukimitsu said, smiling ruefully. "My apologies, I assumed you knew about them."

"So, what are they?" asked Iruka.

"Electronic neural implants are an invention from the Old World," Doctor Yukimitsu explained. "Their primary purpose is enhancing the capabilities of the human brain. With neural implants, virtually _anyone_ can increase their information throughput and gain total recall. Some of the more advanced implants allow you to manipulate perception, though only a few people can actually do it."

Iruka whistled. Gai's eyes were as large as saucers. Kakashi, however, was skeptical.

"I don't mean to be rude, but I'm having a hard time believing such a device can exist."

Doctor Yukimitsu smiled. "Perhaps you would like a practical demonstration?"

"That would be nice," Kakashi agreed.

"All right," said Doctor Yukimitsu. "Let's test if I have total recall: write down a random sequence of fifty plus words on a sheet of paper. Haphazard combinations of characters instead of real words are fine. I will glance at the paper for only one second. Afterwards, ask me to recall a word in a certain position. If I truly have total recall, then I should be able to answer each request with a high degree of accuracy."

Kakashi was very intrigued now. "I still think your claims are a bit too bold, but I like your confidence. Let's do this."

Five minutes later, Kakashi had a sheet of paper (torn from Iruka's agenda book) filled with fifty of the most ridiculous words and not-words he could come up with. Doctor Yukimitsu then took out a palm-sized machine that looked very much like the gizmo Naruto had. The doctor connected a cable between the gizmo and an outlet on the left side of his head, and let the gizmo run. Doctor Yukimitsu then took Kakashi's sheet, glanced at it, and gave it back to Kakashi. Kakashi started calling out numbers at random afterwards.

After the twenty-fifth accurately answered word, Kakashi was ready to accept Doctor Yukimitsu's claims regarding the capabilities of neural implants.

"This is amazing," Kakashi said. "How does it work?"

Doctor Yukimitsu held up his palm-sized machine he took out from his coat pocket earlier. "This Modular Memory device processes all the information needed for memory recall. It communicates with the implants embedded into my cranium, which in turn send and receive signals to and from my brain."

"Can it store human memory?"

Doctor Yukimitsu shook his head. "It can only store the triggers that let us recall memories. It cannot store memory itself."

"I see…"

Kakashi chewed over the information he just got, and crossed checked it with the events that happened earlier this evening. A vague idea on what might have happened started to form, but he held it at bay. He needed more information.

"So what exactly went wrong when Naruto ran his … Modular Memory device?"

Doctor Yukimitsu held an expression only a doctor who regularly treated victims of society could make.

"The first thing you need to know is that many of our people wrongly believe one can store human memory in a Mod Mem. The second thing you need to know is that the Mod Mem device Jeromi (Naruto) has is more than fifteen years old. The third thing you need to know is that an implant does not know the exact area it needs to stimulate. Instead, it pokes around the likely area until the brain tells them there was a hit, or you command it to stop. Otherwise, your implants will keep running until the microcomputers inside those implants burn themselves out—literally."

Kakashi's vague idea started to take a more detailed shape. Judging from the looks on their faces, similar ideas were forming inside Iruka and Gai's heads too. No one voiced their ideas though, and let Doctor Yukimitsu speak.

"I can tell you with certainty that Jeromi (Naruto) nearly burned his implants—and by association, his outer brain— when his Mod Mem attempted to make him recall a memory that he doesn't have," said Doctor Yukimitsu. "I can also tell you with confidence that Jeromi might have recalled some very strange things when there was an accidental hit. I cannot tell you _why_ he wanted to run a Mod Mem that clearly belonged to another person, but from the fact that Jeromi is an orphan, and the age of the Mod Mem, I believe we can all make a very likely guess."

00000

Kakashi, Gai and Iruka went to check on Naruto after their talk with Doctor Yukimitsu. From the kindly nurse who guided the three shinobi to Naruto's hospital bed, they learned Lee had been bullied into performing a maintenance check on his implants. The same kindly nurse told them Lee's implants were _rusting_ from disuse and lack of care, and if they didn't replace them soon it was going to be dangerous.

Needless to say, Gai was outraged at the news.

"This will not do!" Gai roared. "Lee must have new implants immediately!"

And before anyone could put a word in edgewise, Gai turned to Iruka.

"Iruka-sensei, I must ask you great favor! I need you to use your incredible powers of persuasion on behalf of my adorable student, and find everything that entails with replacing neural implants!"

Now Kakashi knew Gai: knew him very well, as a matter of fact. There was no way Kakashi could not know him well after so many years of rivalry, one-sided though it may be. That was how Kakashi immediately knew this was Gai's way of getting Kakashi to talk to him in private. Kakashi also knew from experience these private talks did a lot of good for his well being, but never pleasant in and of themselves.

Oh, this was going to be soooo not fun…

"Of course," Iruka answered. "I'm not terribly good at haggling, and I don't know anything about Niiminjin currency, but I'll do what I can."

"EXCELLENT! THANK YOU!"

…And of course, Iruka knew. Oh, yes _he_ knew.

Gai had a few words with Lee. Then, after sending Lee off with Iruka, Gai turned around to face Kakashi. Just in time to catch his Eternal Rival remove the chloroformed pad he clamped to Naruto's mouth and nose.

"…Kakashi, that's going overboard," said Gai.

"You don't know _him_," Kakashi retorted. He pocketed the pad into his nin-pouch, and asked. "So, what's up?"

Kakashi could almost hear the gears under the bowl cut try to produce a roundabout way of breaking the subject. He could also hear the aforementioned gears break apart while trying.

"Kakashi … there's no good way to ask this, but…what kind of feelings to do you harbor for Iruka-sensei?"

Oh, shit. Wasn't he glad he knocked Naruto unconscious…

"What do you mean?"

"I have been watching you, Kakashi," said Gai. "I saw you actively befriend Iruka for the past eight months, at your own initiative, no less. Now hitherto, I was happy on your behalf, rejoicing at this budding of a beautiful friendship, but recent events gave me reasons to be concerned."

Kakashi drew in a calming breath. He needed the calm. He also needed more information. It was too early to jump out of the window _just_ yet.

"Gai," Kakashi said. "Have you been talking to Hiruma?"

Gai blinked at the question tossed out of the blue. "I only met him today, so no."

"Have you met Sandaime's grandson lately?"

"I don't think I ever saw the boy."

With great effort, Kakashi resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall. "Right, so what are you concerned about?"

"Ah yes, my concerns!" it was here that Gai turned very _serious_. "Now Kakashi, I cannot imagine how … challenging it is to befriend someone who can cause the most confident man in Fire Country to question his sexuality. However, you should not let that be an obstacle! Nor should you let this distort the true nature of your friendship!"

"…Huh?"

"In short!" shouted Gai for the world to hear. "I believe it is time for you to discover the true nature of your feelings towards Iruka! Search deep within yourself, beyond any external influences, and see what it is you have between you and him!"

The Pose…Kakashi stared at the thumb without comprehension for half a second.

Then, suddenly, _everything_ made sense.

Gai was wondering if Kakashi was stepping over that fine line between close friendship and something far, far more dangerous. And like a good comrade and rival, Gai warned Kakashi as soon as he noticed things were getting sticky. What troubled Kakashi was that Gai came to this conclusion on his own. And if Gai noticed Kakashi was getting too recklessly close to a _man_, how many more people in Konoha thought so? More importantly, _why the hell didn't he notice!_?

"Well, Kakashi? Have you thought about it?" Gai asked.

"…I'm still thinking."

And Kakashi was going to think about it a lot more. He was sure of it.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	14. Merits of Insanity

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Merits of Insanity  
00000

Eventually Kakashi left Naruto's bedside, telling Gai that he needed to think in private. Instead of taking refuge in a deserted room or empty broom shed, however, Kakashi headed to the lobby, where Iruka was dismantling a couple of EBC staff members using the Forbidden Public Actions, items 4 and 26 (smiling in conjunction with interrogating his subjects real-time). While quietly laughing at the latest victims of the Influence, Kakashi noticed Lee wasn't hyperventilating like everyone else, despite the fact he was standing right behind Iruka. In fact, the Genin was switching between staring at the quaking staff and staring at Iruka with round(er) eyes, like he didn't understand what was going on, but suspected Iruka had a hand in it.

…Huh.

Kakashi stored this bit of new and interesting information for later. Right now, he had bigger concerns to address.

"How's it going?"

Iruka switched off the Influence as he turned around, to the staff's obvious relief. "I think it's best if we let Naruto do the talking."

"It's that bad?"

"I've been asking these people questions for the past forty minutes, but they have yet to make any sense. And it's not just me. Lee doesn't understand their babble either."

_So Niiminjin techies can't speak layman to save their lives too?_ "Then there's no point bothering these people while Naruto's still out."

"He's _still_ out?" Iruka asked, instantly suspicious. "But Doctor Yukimitsu said—"

"—He's asleep, not unconscious," Kakashi explained hurriedly. "It _is_ two in the morning," he added.

But Iruka was still skeptical. Kakashi remained as relaxed as he could while Iruka put him under the Scrutiny. Apparently, Iruka's assertion that Kakashi was building greater immunity against the Umino Effect was true; he didn't hyperventilate or blank out, though he still would have been incapable of lying.

At length, Iruka released Kakashi from his gaze, and turned to Lee.

"Lee, please go join your teacher. I need to speak to Kakashi-sensei in private."

If Lee was even _thinking_ about eavesdropping, Iruka's Commanding Presence and Teacher Voice would have destroyed it in an instant. "…Hai, Iruka-sensei!"

Lee fled. The staff fled too, as well as the ten plus onlookers. Kakashi stayed where he was and prepared himself: Masks? Check…cup? Check. Heavy Chakra aided mental padding? Check. All security cameras and microphones disabled? No. Performing necessary genjutsu. Check. Good. Now all he had to do was weather the assault.

"You used chloroform, didn't you?" Iruka accused, once the genjutsu was effective.

"I don't like taking too many chances," said Kakashi. "And it was the right decision. Gai asked me if we were dating."

Well, Gai didn't use the word 'dating', but his other words implied it. At any rate, the word had its desired effect; Iruka paled so much his skin turned into a milky-brown shade that didn't suit him at all.

"…So Hiruma manipulated Gai after all?" Iruka said in a rather high-pitched voice.

"No," said Kakashi. "That's the good news. The bad news is Gai came to that conclusion all by himself."

Iruka pinched the spot between his eyebrows. "Which means Konohamaru didn't put the idea in his head either. Dear God. If Gai suspects…"

"…How many more besides him?" Kakashi said, relaying Iruka's words. "I thought about that, and I think only Sandaime and Gai know me well enough to wonder at this point."

Iruka recovered his natural color, but not all of it. "…When you say 'know you well enough', what exactly does that mean?"

_You are as sharp as ever, sensei_. "Don't worry. I don't think I'm gay."

"Oh, thank _God_." Iruka covered his face and threw his head back in obvious relief. Then he snapped his head back into position. "I'm so sorry, don't get me wrong, I don't care if you're gay or bi or whatever, but—"

"Some poor bastards bugged you with their sexual identity crisis, didn't they?" Kakashi guessed.

"Yes," Iruka confirmed. "The counselor would _murder _me if I brought _you_ in as the latest victim."

Kakashi grinned like a cat. Yep, his reputation for being a terrible patient, mental or otherwise, was still preceding him. Once the satisfaction over that was over and dealt with, Kakashi turned a bit more serious.

"As much as we'd like to deny it, our friendship _does_ have a decidedly unconventional twist," Kakashi stated. "Face it: its manifestation is more like that of a dating couple. It's only a matter of time before someone gets the wrong idea. We need to do something."

"But what _can_ we do? My ability to turn into a walking wet dream regardless of gender and sexuality is a damn legend right now." Iruka gave Kakashi a half-serious look of dread. "Are you sure I haven't permanently screwed up your sexuality?"

Kakashi snorted. "I know myself. And I know how the Umino Effect works. It might give you the ability to take control of a person's natural impulses while you're in their vicinity, but it doesn't let you overwrite them. Even if it could, you'd do everything in your power to prevent that from happening."

Iruka blushed at the implied compliment. Kakashi noted he still had no immunity against this expression, but couldn't bring himself to mind.

"Let's go over our liabilities," said Kakashi. "Now, unless you're firmly stuck in the closet— which I sincerely doubt— I've seen you flirt with enough girls these past eight months to conclude your instincts are first and foremost heterosexual," A pause. "Why don't you go out with one of them? That would solve our problem."

"Why don't _you_ go out with a girl? That would solve our problem a lot quicker," Iruka retorted.

Kakashi withheld his teasing protest; it wouldn't do to aggravate Iruka and get exposed to the Influence. So instead, he took out his most beloved book of all time and held it close to his heart. "_Icha Icha_ is my one true love."

"Yeah, it would be," said Iruka, eyeing the book with distaste.

"But seriously, why won't you?" asked Kakashi as he tucked the book away. _It's not as if you're a frost bitten, job-married, celibate, porn-addict like me._ "I'm sure there are a lot of women waiting for your attention." _In fact, I KNOW there are a lot women just waiting for your attention._

Iruka's smiled ruefully. "Maybe if I was younger I wouldn't mind if I could make my girlfriend do anything I wanted as long as I _had_ a girlfriend. But nowadays … well, it gets old pretty quickly."

That was a sentiment Kakashi could understand. "So what kind of girl are you looking for?"

"Someone who has immunity," Iruka replied. "If not, someone who'll work to _get_ immunity."

"That's going to be tough," Kakashi noted.

"Tell me about it." Iruka sighed. "If I'm lucky, I'll be like my father. But I don't feel lucky."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "The Third Master was your father?"

Iruka nodded. "He was co-master with my mother. Hence the term: 'Umino Effect'."

_Oh boy. _"They weren't Konoha born?"

"Both of my parents were originally from Water Country. They moved to Konoha during the first Foreign Invasion."

"I see…"

For a brief moment, Kakashi tried to imagine Iruka's parents. He stopped when he felt his brain breaking. His brain broke a little more after involuntarily imagining Iruka's nonexistent siblings, all equipped with the Influence. Dear god, the divine must have intervened to save Konoha, not to mention humanity, when the Umino couple decided to have only one child…

…No, wait. There _had _been divine intervention, but not the benevolent sort. Oh _fuck._

"Ah well," Kakashi said, as he stirred his thoughts away from that mental pitfall. "If you don't want to get a temporary girlfriend, then I can stop—"

"Don't. You. _Dare_." Iruka glared at Kakashi forbiddingly. "I don't care what the villagers think of me. And I won't let you curtail your actions when neither of us are doing anything wrong. You're welcome in my home as long as you like."

"…We might get called over for an official inquiry," Kakashi pointed out.

"So? Unless we're having sex, which we _aren't_, the best the council can do is issue a warning."

Then Iruka gave him a _Look_. Kakashi had never been subjected to this look before, but Sandaime warned him about it. But no amount of forewarning could have prepared him: the Look sheered right into the depths of his soul, rattled his beliefs from its foundations, and stripped him bare.

"Kakashi, you said that we have a _friendship_. I'd like to think you value it as much as I do."

…

…

_I want to marry a woman who's just like you._

That was the first naked thought that surged up in Kakashi's mind after Iruka gave him the Look. The strange sentiment didn't vanish like a proper random thought, but lingered, and brought forth another equally strange sentiment: _Why were you born a man…?_

Silence resonated through halls as Kakashi stood there speechless.

The silence reigned.

Finally, Iruka made an interruption: "If you used a pad, the chloroform should have worn off by now. We should go."

The words, spoken out of context, broke the awkward atmosphere that fell between them. Once the haze passed, Kakashi's eye automatically sought Iruka. The other man held a puzzled look on his face, like he didn't understand what he was reading off of Kakashi. At least _that_ made sense; how could Iruka understand what Kakashi was thinking when Kakashi himself didn't know where his thoughts were coming from?

Kakashi didn't remember agreeing to move, but soon he was walking next to Iruka in silent accord. They exchanged no words during the short trek, as both were preoccupied with their own thoughts. At least, Kakashi was busy dissecting his, especially the one that kept lingering like puddles of melted snow under a spring sun: _Why were you born a man…?_

Perhaps Kakashi was in one of those phases, during which he could actually notice the solitary and pointless nature of his existence. Or maybe this was his reflexive response against the irony of his situation. Bringing a man, who was looking for a woman strong-willed enough to withstand the Influence, to another man, who'd eventually train himself to build immunity against the Influence, _was_ the sort of supreme irony life kept throwing at humanity. But if their situation was a product of irony, what did that say for their bond's prolonged existence?

That was when Kakashi realized he _wanted_ this bond to last, more than anything. The subsequent, brain-shattering horror of the impossibility of this did nothing to deter this desire.

_I'm truly and royally __fucked_ Kakashi despaired. _'Why were you born a man?_'_ indeed. How can I not be screwed up in the head when life keeps flinging shit at me like this?_

00000

As fucked up in the head as he was, Kakashi still came back to check on Naruto. He even prepared a stern lecture that spoke against jeopardizing one's life to chase old ghosts. But when Kakashi actually got there, he just stopped…and _stared_.

Naruto's hospital room had turned into a war zone, complete with upturned beds, debris and smoking craters. On one side there was Gai, waving his Fists of Righteousness and spewing increasingly verbose Springtime of Youth speeches. On the other side, there was Hiruma, firing that projectile weapon of his and hurling increasingly profane insults at Gai. In the middle of the crossfire was Lee and Naruto, who were unharmed and, in the latter's case, unfazed.

Actually, Naruto looked more dazed than unfazed. This didn't look good.

"What happened?" Iruka asked, suitably alarmed.

Naruto faced his teachers. His eyes were dry and his cheeks were clean, but there was a certain blank quality in his expression that alarmed Kakashi.

"Hiruma-san and Gai-sensei had a disagreement," Naruto told them quietly.

…_That's not even an __understatement__. _"What did they disagree over?"

Naruto pointed out a black spot on the floor, where there was a smoking pile of broken metal and burnt plastic. It didn't take a genius to figure out that the smoking pile was the remains of Naruto's old Mod Mem device.

"Hiruma did that?" Kakashi asked quietly.

Naruto nodded.

Kakashi closed his eye and faced the ceiling. _Hiruma, you goddamn bastard…_

"Are you all right?" asked Iruka, taking a step closer.

Naruto shrugged. "I will be."

Clearly, Naruto was more distressed than he let on, because not a second after he said that, Naruto sat up and hugged the wrong teacher. At least, Kakashi thought Naruto hugged the wrong teacher…until he started to talk.

"I'm _so glad_ you're my teacher and not one of those crazies," Naruto mumbled into Kakashi's flack jacket.

"Hey, don't insult my teacher!" Lee exclaimed. "Gai-sensei is not crazy! He's a great, shining role model and the best teacher you could ever hope for!"

"…See what I _mean?_" Naruto wailed.

"Yes, I know," Kakashi said as soon as he recalibrated his brain so it would be able to accommodate a sentence that used 'Gai' and 'not crazy' on the same breath. It took longer than he wanted, as Gai and 'not crazy' haven't been in speaking terms for the last ten years.

Speaking of crazies, it was nice to know his head wasn't fucked up beyond redemption, because Naruto was right; compared to Gai or Hiruma, Kakashi was quite sane.

And speaking of comparative sanity, the only objectively sane person in the room was _very_ pissed off now.

"Hiruma-kun, Gai-sensei, if you please—" Iruka started.

But, of course, the addressed parties ignored him.

"Even the best of us can make mistakes in the Springtime of Youth!"

"Shut the fuck up, shitty Bowl Cut! So I burned the Mod Mem that's been fucking up his brain, boo-fucking-hoo!"

And so on. It wasn't long before a vein on Iruka's temple _bulged_.

"IF YOU DON'T STOP _NOW,_ I'M FEEDING MYSELF _**CAKE**_!"

The effect of that threat was instantaneous. All fighting and shouting halted in an instant. Silence filled the room, disturbed only by the crumble of a crater collapsing a bit further.

"_Thank you_," Iruka growled. "Now, why don't we start acting like the civilized animals we are supposed to be, hmmm?"

Until this hour, Kakashi was not aware Iruka had a '_be nice or I'll break your brain in two_' in his arsenal of Glares. It worked beautifully: Gai brought his right hand up in a shaky salute and Hiruma, while still belligerent, stood at attention.

Iruka put his hands on his hips and started his questioning.

"Hiruma-kun, why did you burn Naruto's Mod Mem?"

"The fucking thing's contaminated with viruses up to the last sector," said Hiruma. "There was no point trying to recover it. It had to go."

"I see," said Iruka. "But that doesn't mean you have the right to destroy Naruto's property. I expected a businessman like you to know better—"

Hiruma threw a box at Iruka, who caught it with one hand. Iruka's eyebrows practically vanished beneath his hitai-ite when he read the label.

"…If you were planning to give Naruto this Mod Mem to begin with," Iruka asked, almost rhetorically, "Then why did you go about doing it the _worst way possible_?"

Hiruma just bared his fangs, thus confirming Kakashi's theory that Hiruma and Sanity had been violently estranged since birth. Iruka must have realized this too, because he tucked the box away and sighed.

"Right… thank you, Hiruma-kun." Iruka then turned to Gai. "Gai-sensei, calm yourself. We need all of our wits in order to buy Lee's new—"

Hiruma threw a bulky, gray plastic bag at the back of Iruka's head, obviously with the intent to hit it. But as one would expect from the best teacher of the Ninja Academy, Iruka caught the bag before it could even touch his ponytail. Iruka turned around, obviously with the intent to lecture, but the label on the bag brought him to a stuttering halt.

"_You bought new implants!_?"

"The fucking brat's implants were contaminated too," Hiruma explained.

Iruka blinked very slowly. "Oh…"

Kakashi rested his arms around Naruto's shoulders. Not to hug the kid— no self-respecting Ninja would seek refuge in a cuddle— but because trying to make sense out of Hiruma was physically and mentally taxing.

Meanwhile, perhaps believing he'd won this round against Iruka, Hiruma made shooing gestures.

"I can take care of 'em myself. You can go now."

But Iruka was not to be dismissed so easily. "No. I am going to stay right here and make _absolutely sure_ you aren't putting these children in danger."

"You won't even know what I'm doing," Hiruma sneered.

"Perhaps not," Iruka conceded. "But I am a Shinobi of Konoha. I will _know_ if you are even _thinking_ about doing something remotely malicious."

Then Iruka filled the room with the most purified aura of DOOM Kakashi had ever felt in his life.

What happened afterwards is best not described in detail. However, it must be said that Gai was the first person to break free of Iruka's Aura of DOOM ™. Of course, Gai wouldn't be Gai if he just saved himself. He collected the Genin with one arm, hauled Kakashi over his shoulder with the other arm, and carried his fellow Shinobi out of the room. He refused to collapse even when they were out of range, and carefully deposited his cargo on the hospital floor. Only then did he quietly pass out for a few seconds.

Anyway, due to the courageous actions of one Maito Gai, all four Konoha Shinobi who didn't have the last name 'Umino' managed to escape the Assault. For a while, all four of them just sat on the floor, panting like dogs.

As Kakashi half-expected, the Niiminjin-born Genin regained their mental and physical faculties far quicker than the Konoha-born Jounin.

"So scary," Lee whispered, clutching his head between his hands.

"Totally scary," Naruto agreed. "Damn, I've _never_ seen Iruka-sensei use _that_!"

"He has _others_?" Lee squeaked. He was probably remembering what happened in the lobby a few minutes prior.

"He has a whole fecking arsenal! I've been cataloging 'em since I was ten, and I'm still finding new stuff."

"Oh gawd…" Lee sank into himself a little more.

"Hey, don't worry!" said Naruto, cheerfully thumping Lee's back. "Iruka-sensei hardly ever uses them intentionally. And he _never_ exposes it to anyone involuntarily unless he's provoked. Speaking of which, you're awesome! I haven't met _anyone_ who could recuperate so quickly after exposure!"

But that didn't make Lee happy. "What about _you_? You recuperated faster than me!"

"Oh c'mon, I've been building immunity for the past two years. Of course I'll recuperate faster than you."

Kakashi's eyebrow twitched at this bit of falsehood. "But you said it never…"

"Anyway!" Naruto all but shouted, in an obvious attempt to stop Kakashi from talking. "I think it's safe to say Hiruma-san is completely screwed over, and if he isn't, then I don't want someone that abnormal touching my implants! I wanted Doctor Yuki to take care of them anyway! What do you think, Lee?"

"You have a point—" Lee started.

Naruto didn't let him finish. "Then that's settled! Let's go find Doctor Yuki!"

Naruto dragged Lee off. Kakashi watched them go, reluctantly envious of whatever it was that allowed Naruto (and to a lesser extent, Lee) to have so much start-off immunity against the Influence.

"Ah, the resilience of Youth," said Gai's voice.

Kakashi covered his eye. "Shut up Gai. I'm in no mood for youth right now."

"Mind your language." Gai raised himself to a sitting position. "So Kakashi, have you thought it through?"

…_He's so persistent, it's not even funny. _"Yes. And I concluded Iruka is a very good friend; no more, no less."

Gai beamed. "I knew it! That's very good Kakashi! So your healing has started!"

Kakashi didn't like the direction this conversation was taking. "…What are you talking about?"

"You and I are part of the war generation," Gai started, his grin warming down to a rueful smile. "We have spent the entirety of our childhood and most of our youthful years in the battlefield. The greater part of our generation died before their time. Those who survived, many have still not learned how to live: most are loners who occasionally seek the company of fellow shinobi, very few have close friends, and even fewer made families."

"Yeah, we're a messed up bunch," Kakashi murmured.

"But not beyond hope!" Gai declared. "Look at yourself! Have you not found someone to confide in? Someplace you can call a sanctuary?"

"I guess…"

"Then that can mean only one thing! You have left those who live in contrived silence, and turned your face away from the bane of mere existence! So cherish this precious person you have gained, and do not let the past or any adversary stop you!"

Kakashi blinked. Then it clicked.

Gai was giving him his _blessings_. Not just oh-you're-finally-acting-more-like- a-human-being-that's-good-keep-up-the-good-work kind of blessings. Oh no. There was definitely some okay-I-think-you-don't-need-me-anymore in it too.

_Oh no,_ Kakashi thought. _No way_…

Gai wasn't just Kakashi's friend or comrade or an annoyance who nattered about Eternal Rivalry. Gai was Kakashi's touchstone, someone Kakashi could fall back on when all else failed. Of course, Kakashi had had no say in the matter. Gai just barged into Kakashi's life and declared himself as such. Nothing stopped him; even when Kakashi became a nameless, faceless and sexless ANBU who dwelled in the shadows, Gai _always_ found him to issue challenges, proclaim the power of Youth, or just make a great green nuisance out of himself.

Initially, Kakashi had been scornful of Gai's intentions. Then, he had been annoyed at Gai's persistence to the point of attempted homicide. But, in the end of it all, Gai was there to drag Kakashi out of the nihilistic quagmire he'd fallen into during his late teens, took care of him while he suffered multiple mental breakdowns during his early twenties, and, for the past three years, provided a human touch while Kakashi tried to reconstruct his life.

Now, after all that, Gai was taking a step _away_? Like _Hell_ he was going to let that happen. So what if he preferred Iruka's quiet and rational company? He wasn't giving up the old just because the new was nicer and easier to deal with.

"Thank you. I appreciate you saying that."

Gai couldn't have expected Kakashi to say that. In fact, he probably didn't expect Kakashi to reply at all.

"…Ha?"

"And you have a point. So far, I was content to enjoy my current state of affairs as long as it can last. Perhaps I should start working on it to _make_ it last."

Making Gai completely off-kilter was quite funny. "…_Haa_?"

"Speaking of which, Gai, do you have plans this evening?"

But an absolutely gobsmacked Gai was even _funnier, _"…_Haaaaa?_"

"Do you?" Kakashi pressed, while repressing his hysterical laughter.

"Uh…no?"

"Then come and have dinner with us. Bring Lee with you too, if you can. Naruto's been worried about Lee's eating habits; something about living off of solider pills and nutrient smoothies. Anyway, can you come?"

Gai mumbled something affirmative. Kakashi's ribs creaked when Gai suddenly enveloped him into a massive bear-hug and started howling into his shoulder.

_WHAT __THE FUCK? Why is everyone out to hug _me_?_! Kakashi howled as he stared at his rapidly wetting shoulder. _And what's wrong with _you?

But as always, Gai didn't make much sense.

Eventually, Kakashi decided to stop trying to make sense of Gai, or understand what he thought about Iruka. There was no point, as he'd never been able to do the former, and he didn't even know where to start with the latter. What he did understand was enough to work with. He liked how his life was right now, and he didn't want it to change. And if keeping his routine involved tolerating the craziness of Maito Gai, and maintaining a completely different set of rules and perspectives to withstand Umino Iruka's Influence, then so be it.

After all, Kakashi always believed in the merits of insanity.

The End

…

…

…

…

…

Of Arc I


	15. Smarts vs Wisdom

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Smarts vs. Wisdom  
00000

After checking out of the Hospital/EBC/whatever, Gai suggested that they take a tour around Niiminjin and learn more about the underground city. Iruka was all for the idea, and Kakashi wasn't reluctant to venture around Niiminjin this time round. As for Lee and Naruto, they weren't averse to showing their teachers their childhood hometown. In fact they were quite enthusiastic.

"We can go to the citadel, and the town square at A-District, oh and there's Nashville and Memphis and…" Lee said, ticking off his fingers.

"I-95 house," Naruto said in a deadpan voice and a fevered look of hunger in his eyes. "Breakfast… _food_…"

Iruka and Kakashi knew from agonizing experience that a hungry Naruto was a cranky hellion that may have literally come from Hell. So they voted for this I-95 house. The name was funny, anyway.

As it turned out, I-95 house _was_ a funny place. Named after an old world interstate highway famous for its traffic congestions (…) and inspired by a hub for traveling wagons from the days of yore (…), I-95 house was a long and narrow subsection of B-District devoted entirely to food shops, restaurants in particular. It was also where Kurita's Cater originally started, before the Cater branched out into Konoha and other cities in Fire Country. Since Naruto had an employee discount, they decided to eat at the original Kurita's.

"You're not going to make me pay for everything, are you?" Naruto asked suspiciously. No one could accuse the kid of not being cautious with his money.

But then, Kakashi wasn't so depraved as to mooch off of his student, "Dutch."

But then again, Gai was nice for a shinobi sensei, "Nonsense! It is a teacher's _duty_ to treat students after a successful operation!"

And the amount of nice Iruka was capable of knew no bounds. "Order anything you like."

_Decent people shall ruin me one of these days_, Kakashi decided as the Genin bounded inside the food place. At least the free food (for the Genin) would put the kids in the right mood. They'd probably answer their teacher's questions — and undoubtedly, Gai and Iruka would have questions — out of obligation.

As it happened, Kakashi didn't need to concern himself. While the Genin inhaled their food, Lee asked a series of very pertinent questions, and then some.

"Naruto-kun, what on earth did you do to yourself last night?"

Naruto swallowed his noodles that were drenched in an oddly sluggish tomato sauce and reached out for a breadstick. "I tried to do something about my stupid curse of the clothes."

Gai, Kakashi and Iruka exchanged looks. That wasn't an explanation they were expecting.

"I'm taking the Chuunin exams tomorrow," Naruto explained between mouthfuls. "It'll probably test my stealth skills, and I can't wear florescent colors for that now, can I? It'll be like screaming 'my orange ass is here! Please attack!' while I'm supposed to be sneaky. Anyway, what I tried didn't work and I almost barbequed my brains."

_Only Naruto can barbeque his brains without barbequing the rest of his body,_ Kakashi thought waspishly.

"Oh, your team is entering the Chuunin exam too?" Lee asked. He didn't sound too surprised.

Naruto, on the other hand, _was_ surprised. "Yer whole team is entering?"

"Of course, didn't your sensei tell you? You cannot register unless your whole team enters."

The look Naruto gave Kakashi at this point bordered the edge of sanity.

"…Of course he told me. I mean, why wouldn't he?" said Naruto in a horrible parody of a stage-voice. Lee noted the insane glint in Naruto's eye and stared at both him and Kakashi, bewildered.

Kakashi decided to change the subject and elevate Naruto's mood a bit. Not that he was scared, he just didn't want trouble. "Sasuke won't be the only one worth challenging, Lee-kun."

True to his green spandex and bowl cut, Lee became very interested in Naruto after that statement. Naruto, on the other hand, was not impressed. He continued to project insanity through his eyes, while making ominous clawing gestures towards Kakashi.

Then Iruka changed the subject.

"Well, I'm glad you were preparing for the Chuunin exams, Naruto. Doctor Yukimitsu implied that you were _fooling around_ _for sentimental reasons._"

Naruto froze in the middle of making his clawing gestures. Then he slowly transferred his glance from Kakashi to his food. He started eating fast enough to choke soon afterwards.

Kakashi gave Iruka a subtly grateful look. _Thank you._

Iruka's returning look was severe, and dangerous. 'We _will_ talk about this later…' it seemed to say.

This time, Gai changed the subject.

"You might want to challenge Naruto to a friendly match, Lee, when we return to Konoha! But before that, I would like to see this Oujo Street you came from!"

Lee blinked a few times, his mouth full of food and a fork between his lips. It was cute…kind of.

Naruto stopped trying to choke himself and answered on Lee's behalf. "That's gonna be difficult."

"Why is that?" Gai asked, his impressive eyebrows twitching like a pair of crawling black caterpillars.

"In order to go to Oujo Street or Deimon Street, you have to go through M-District, and I already told ya that's a bad idea."

"You have not explained exactly _why_ going through M-District is a bad idea," Gai pointed out.

Naruto considered Gai for a few seconds, like he was debating over the wisdom of elaborating on the reasons.

"…There's this anti-ninja barrier around the place," he replied at length.

This time, Kakashi's eyebrow twitched, "An _anti-ninja_ barrier?"

Naruto nodded. "Some terrorist group set it up, like, five-ten years ago, during an anti-Konoha revolt."

Kakashi knew about those anti-Konoha revolts. He had been part of the counter-terrorist team during his time in the ANBU. He wasn't, however, aware of any anti-ninja barriers, and something that remarkable _couldn't_ and _shouldn't _have escaped his attention.

"Does anyone from Konoha know about it?" Kakashi asked.

"Hokage jiichan knows."

"Anyone else?"

Naruto shrugged. Lee shook his head too.

"Why wasn't it removed?" Kakashi asked.

"It _can't_ be removed, at least not completely," Naruto explained. "It's kinda like that landmine removal mission we did back in March; you can remove as many as you can, but there's still going to be a few hidden somewhere. In this case, you can't remove the barrier completely unless you replace the implants of all e-brain users in M-District."

Kakashi frowned. "What do head plugs have anything to do with this barrier?"

"The barrier was set up by means of a Trojan … a type of computer virus," Lee explained. "The Trojan infects a person's e-brain, which causes the infected e-brain to send high frequency signals that make people hallucinate."

Kakashi considered that. "And these high frequency waves affect ninjas specifically?"

"No, it affects everyone," Naruto said. Then he added: "Hokage jiichan said the wave-thingy carries a type of genjutsu. But since it's carried by waves, the usual genjutsu breaking methods don't work."

Kakashi took a moment to admire the ingenious mechanism of the anti-ninja barrier and think about its implications. Only someone who had a thorough background in ninjutsu and Old World technology could have thought of it. But therein lay a worrisome question: Who could have had such a background? Konoha started accepting Niiminjin-born citizens as ninja candidates around the time his Sensei was Hokage, and as far as Kakashi knew, Lee and Naruto were two of the very few of their kind to achieve Genin rank. As for the anti-Konoha revolts, they started eleven years ago, and died down when Naruto was ten; too early for anyone around Naruto and Lee's age to participate in said revolts. All of these factors seemed to imply someone of at least Iruka's age managed to learn the necessary skills, either without Konoha's knowledge or under Sandaime's exclusive supervision.

Then a new light dawned inside Kakashi's head;_ of course …Heavy Chakra. If Kenja's legacy survived in Niiminjin, then the person wouldn't have had to go through ninja training._

Of course, the hypothesis needed verification. Kakashi decided to visit Sandaime at his earliest convenience. In the meantime, he had two Genin to cajole and interrogate.

Iruka beat him to it.

"I guess we can't go there then," he said, eyes soft with regret and radiating the Influence. "That's a pity. I really wanted to see your part of Harlem."

_Guilt trip supreme,_ Kakashi thought gleefully while Naruto and Lee started twitching guiltily in their seats. If he strained a bit, he could see the guilty pout under Naruto's face wrappings too.

Interestingly enough, it was Naruto of the Iron Senses who broke first.

"It's not _impossible_ to go there. There's a device that guards you against the barrier's effects."

All of the adult shinobi were very interested now. "Oh?"

"You can't buy it off the market, though. But I know a person who can make it."

"Can we see him?" Gai asked.

Naruto beamed through his eyes. "I can introduce her to you."

_A woman, huh?_ "Bit early to visit someone," said Kakashi, more out of obligation.

"Nah, it's okay," Naruto said. "She should be in her office right now, and it's harder to catch her later in the day."

So it was settled. After the Genin ate their fill, the adult shinobi followed after Naruto.

00000

The Konoha Shinobi had to take another elevator to go to the university campus where their person of interest worked as a research fellow and assistant professor. Upon asked how many underground levels existed in Niiminjin, Lee answered four: level one had all the commercial, recreational and residential buildings; level two was devoted entirely to educational institutions; level three had manufacturing plants, databanks and servers (Lee didn't explain what these were); and level four was where the prison/hard labor camp was located.

The structure reminded Kakashi of Dante's Hell and said so. Iruka was not amused and told Kakashi as such. Gai and the Genin just laughed at them.

The campus Naruto took them to looked quite impressive. The buildings were of an architecture style Kakashi could not identify. None of them had tiled roofs that arched downwards, but all of them were narrow and pointed, and shot right up to the artificial sky. The windows were taller and narrower too, and some had intricate stained glass pictures. Elaborate carved stone buttresses and battlements adorned the outer-walls, and said walls weren't covered with plaster like the buildings in Konoha. Pylons stood tall and proud in front of each and every entrance, and pillars held up the connecting halls between the buildings. There were many fountains and gardens too, and in the latter, a good number of young people around Iruka's age lounged idly.

Speaking of young people, _they_ weren't at all enamored at the campus like the Konoha born shinobi. Instead they boggled at their presence (or maybe it was Gai they were staring at; he _was_ very loud, in both the visual and vocal sense) and pointed fingers. Speaking of the campus, something about it felt a bit _off_, like the place was an illusion. But _that _didn't make sense because the buildings conformed to logic and sensual cross-examination. Yet the texture Kakashi felt when he brushed his fingers on the stone walls didn't feel authentic, somehow.

Naruto finally entered one of the larger buildings, its name inscribed in a language Kakashi didn't know. Two flights of stairs, three dozen off-kilter students and four venerable professors almost sent into cardiac arrest later, Naruto knocked on the door of a nondescript office and opened it.

Kakashi surveyed the office. The room was windowless, painted institutional grey, and no bigger than a prison cell. Tomes upon tomes of books covered the walls, and blinking machinery covered the floor. Kakashi couldn't even start naming the trinkets covering the desk. But what really caught Kakashi's attention were the childish drawings standing side by side to the mysterious trinkets. The whimsical and colorful pictures of ninjas, the Hokage Faces and water lilies weren't hiding underneath a pile of papers, or covered with coffee mug rings, or taped up as a casual afterthought. Instead they were carefully matted, framed and autographed by _Uzumaki Naruto, Future Hokage_ himself.

…_Huh._ Kakashi studied the owner of the office with great interest. She was young, probably around Kakashi's age, tallish and slim. But, despite her apparent age, her shoulder-length hair was bleach-white, and her arm movements had the slow and stiff deliberateness of someone in their seventies. She was also sitting in a wheelchair, which had three wheels mounted on each end of a Y-shaped rotor. At first, her face held a careworn expression. But once Naruto stepped inside the office, her entire face broke into a smile.

"_Jeremy_," she greeted, arms outstretched.

_One of these days, I'll learn what's up with this 'Jeromi' business,_ Kakashi decided, eye closed, while Naruto went through the whole hug-nuzzle-kiss ceremony. He heard Iruka quietly chuckle at his expense. _Bastard._

After the profusion of hugs and kisses (…) Naruto rattled off the names of his teachers. Kakashi opened his eye a bit too quickly, and got an eyeful of Lee hugging the woman in the wheelchair. _Aauuugghhh…_

Kakashi was still standing, glassy-eyed, when the woman in the wheelchair turned her gaze to the adults.

"Don't mind Kakashi-sensei. He has haphephobia," Iruka said helpfully.

"Yeah, he freaks out even when he _sees_ people touching each other," Naruto said, also helpfully.

_Traitors! Vipers under my tutelage!_ Kakashi howled inside his head.

"Oh, okay, I won't touch him, then." The woman made a little wave, "Nice to meet you, Hatake Kakashi. I'm Lee Irene."

Kakashi inclined his head, "_Domo_."

For the next ten minutes, the Konoha Shinobi made themselves comfortable (read: Naruto and Lee sat on the only two chairs, Gai and Iruka sat on a couple of computer towers, and Kakashi leaned against a book shelf), and acquainted each other (read: Iruka became their main spokesperson, Gai interjected speeches in between and Kakashi tried to melt into the walls). Kakashi had no intention of listening to or participating in the acquainting process, but he couldn't help himself when Irene started talking about Naruto as a toddler.

"How did you meet Naruto?" Iruka asked.

"My best friend Hanna, who's a fulltime missionary, works at the orphanage Naruto lived in until he moved to Konoha," said Irene. "She was trying to get me to teach her kids for the longest time, but I resisted. Then, one day, she called me and said: 'Do you like camping?' And I said, 'I love camping.' Then she asked: 'wanna go?' So I said 'Okay, I'm in.' " Irene pulled a face. "She just didn't tell me twenty kids from ages six to fourteen were going too."

_Classic teacher entrapment technique,_ Kakashi thought as he smiled behind his mask. Gai and Iruka snorted with laughter.

Irene smiled. "Hanna told me the camp site was somewhere around the surface, so, about two hours behind schedule, we showed up in D-district Harlem, which is the _best place_ to camp in Niiminjin," (Naruto and Lee giggled at the sarcasm) "Then all the kids from Hanna's orphanage got out of the van with two 1-liter bottles of soda in each arm, just running to the preassembled tents as fast as they can, you know? And I thought to myself: _that is so cute._"

Here Irene made an expression that could be summarized as: _What the feck was I thinking_? All the adults laughed in deep-rooted sympathy.

"I was deluded," Irene said. "Anyway, once we settled in, the kids started playing games and drinking soda. This state of affairs continued well past two o'clock in the morning, which was fine until Hanna told me she left my coffee at the orphanage." (Kakashi and Iruka winced.) "So I went to sleep. Then my alarm went off and I was determined to be the first one up."

By this time, Naruto was laughing hysterically. Irene gave him a familiar look of fond exasperation before resuming:

"I tried to get up, but I couldn't move. So I thought, 'maybe I had a small seizure'," (Naruto shrieked) "Then the lights came on, and everyone in the tent was laughing except for me…then I realized I'd been stapled from head to toe to the floor!"

Kakashi couldn't help it: he laughed. So did everyone else. Naruto laughed so hard he fell off his chair and rolled.

"I did get back at them by stapling the kids and Hanna to their sleeping bags on the following night," Irene said. "I also fell in love with all twenty kids, and I sponsored each and every one of them until they became legal adults." She ruffled Naruto's head, who was hugging Irene while laughing helplessly into her shoulder. "Naruto was one of the original twenty, and my personal favorite."

They talked for another thirty minutes, and Kakashi actually enjoyed listening to the small talk. Apparently, Irene did not mind telling virtual strangers the embarrassing misadventures she had over the years. She also did not mind telling aforementioned strangers embarrassing stories about the children she'd sponsored over the years, even if the child was present. It was certainly astonishing to see Naruto look like he was actually embarrassed, but Kakashi supposed anyone would attempt spontaneous combustion if their mother (figure) told his teachers an anecdote like this:

"I went to his Ninja academy inauguration ceremony, and former Commander and General Sarutobi," (Kakashi assumed Irene was talking about Sandaime) "who was the speaker, called him over and asked him: 'Is your sponsor-lady pretty?' and Naruto said: 'Nooo, she's ugly!' "

An hour after they came, and forty minutes behind Kakashi's schedule, the adult ninjas remembered why they came there in the first place. Upon hearing the request, Irene suggested that they take the meeting to the laboratory, as her office was too small for three grown men, two boys and a woman in a wheelchair. Seeing that they were pretty much emulating a can of laughing sardines, they agreed. Kakashi and Iruka stepped outside first, and Gai held the door open. Kakashi watched, fascinated, as Irene's wheelchair rolled out, apparently on its own volition. Then Kakashi stared with greater fascination as the wheelchair clunked down the stairs on its own.

"Please excuse my speed, or the lack thereof," Irene said, as she slowly hunkered down the stairs. "Our university has strict regulations on elevator usage. Even I'm not allowed to use them since I have this wheelchair."

"It's totally messed up," Naruto chimed in.

Irene smiled at that. "So, you are interested in getting an illusion-breaker?" The way she just cut right through the subjects was very familiar.

"Yes," Kakashi answered without missing a beat. "If you don't mind, can you explain the mechanics behind it?"

"No, I don't mind at all," said Irene. She paused a second. "What was your impression of this campus?"

Kakashi knew how to answer this one. "Off. Like this place is an illusion."

"Very intuitive, aren't you?" Irene grinned. "Your intuition is on the mark: the outer appearance of all the buildings in this campus is just an illusion. Even the touch of your hand was forged through fake sensory input."

"_Ho…!_" Gai whistled.

Irene stopped in front of a glass door. "Please excuse me."

She put her eyes in front of what looked like a pair of binoculars embedded into the wall. The door opened shortly afterwards. Down at the end of the short hallway beyond the glass entrance was a white door, and a row of thermal jackets hanging on the walls on either side. Irene told them to wear the jackets, as the lab was very chilly. Once everyone was appropriately attired, Irene swiped a card and opened the white door.

The lab (Kakashi presumed) was a lot like the EBC's emergency room: imposingly large, startlingly white, excessively clean, and so cold they could see their breath in the air. The equipment stationed inside the lab ranged from state-of-the-art surgery equipment to computers that looked like they came straight out of a Sci-Fi novel. Kakashi had a feeling the university lab was far more bleeding-edge than even the EBC, not to mention centuries ahead of Konoha.

Irene provided them with enough chairs to go around, and then resumed her explanations.

"An illusion is created by tricking the brain into perceiving things that do not exist, or feeding the senses fake stimulus," Irene said. "Our campus illusion uses both methods. A specially-composed Electromagnetic wave infiltrates e-brains and acts as a fake stimulus to the flesh."

"EM waves alone can't create an illusion," Kakashi pointed out.

"You're right again," said Irene. "The EM waves are merely a carrier. The actual distortion is done through what you people call 'Chakra'."

Kakashi stiffened at that last word.

"…You know about _Chakra_?" Iruka asked, voicing the incredulity of all Konoha-born Shinobi.

Irene nodded. "The advent of e-brain technology eventually led us to discover Chakra. Or should I say 'rediscover', since we had tales of magic users and spell casters as far as we can recall. At any rate, the scientific community is aware of Chakra and its properties, though our application of Chakra is largely limited to manipulating perception."

Kakashi digested that. "So how does the breaker dispel your illusions?"

"Our illusions are maintained through a process called 'stimulus bombardment'. In other words, it doesn't stick to a person like your illusion spells," said Irene. "A disruption signal can break our illusions. The trick is how you are going to make this disruption signal."

Kakashi nodded. "So the actual hold your illusions have on a person is weak."

"Very weak," Irene confirmed. "A helmet made of lead can block most of our intrusive signals. Of course, you'll have lead poisoning to worry about, so it might not be a good idea."

_I'll take my chances on that, if push comes to shove_. "How long will it take you to make the breaker?"

"It depends," said Irene. "If you just want something that'll let you see through our campus illusions, you might as well buy one from our university book store. If you want something that'll let you survive a trip to M-District, I need two weeks."

That was actually less than what Kakashi expected, but there had to be a reason behind the difference. "Why so long for M-District?"

"The university uses a uniform signal that's easy to detect and analyze. M-District has two hundred plus signals flying all over the place, wreaking havoc. Besides, it's hard to do any kind of research there when you keep seeing yourself transforming into a penguin and a stuffed couch at the same time."

_You slay me, woman_. "I guess we can wait."

They started talking about the cost afterwards. Irene was quite generous. She offered to halve the price in exchange of a few ninjutsu demonstrations. After witnessing the first ninjutsu— Kage Bunshin no Jutsu— Irene asked if she could conduct a few experiments on the clone. As Kakashi didn't fancy receiving the victim-clone's memories of going through electrocution or gas chambers, he declined.

"Ah, well. At least I tried," said Irene lightly. Then she completely switched gears and started working.

"I can make you a Beta-version of the breaker within an hour," Irene said, while turning on several machines with one hand, and typing on a computer with the other. "You can test it to see if it's what you're looking for. I'll go ahead and make the full version if you're satisfied with the results."

Kakashi wrenched his eye away from the rows upon rows of letters running down a projector screen and made a little bow. "Thank you."

"And now, if you don't mind, I'd like to borrow Naruto and Lee for an hour." Even as she spoke, Irene reached out to grab both Genin. "I got word from Hiruma this morning. He told me Naruto messed around with his e-brain last night."

"I did _not_," Naruto said, pouting into his face wrappings.

"And _you_," Irene poked Lee on the chest. "What were you thinking, leaving your implants to rust?"

Lee blushed. "Um…"

"What are you doing?" Iruka asked, alarmed, as Irene manhandled both Genin into a couple of dentist chairs that had funny looking helmets on top.

"Oh, nothing terrible," Irene strapped Naruto on the quasi-dentist chair, despite his vociferous protests and flailing. "I just want to perform a full sector scan on both of their e-brains."

"_ANOTHER SCAN?!_ I DON'T WANNA!" Naruto shouted.

Iruka winced. "Is that necessary? I mean, they already went through full maintenance at the EBC."

"Normally I wouldn't do this, but these last few months there has been a sharp increase in the number of e-brain users infected with programs that generate Chakra-triggered explosions." Irene started strapping Lee to his chair. "I want to make sure they don't have any mutations of that program."

"Doesn't the EBC check for mutations?" Iruka asked.

"They do, but they're not terribly good at detecting it," Irene said. Then she added: "They send the infected people to me for treatment anyway."

"Why do they send them to you?" Kakashi asked.

"Only an experimental procedure called 'Hypnosis Deletion' can remove the program from an e-brain," Irene explained. "The EBC is not equipped to handle the procedure. In fact, I doubt any of its personnel know about it."

"You do," Kakashi noted.

"I should," Irene replied. "I made it."

That was certainly unexpected. Then Kakashi felt something prickle his consciousness.

"Did you create the Hypnosis Deletion in response to the program, or did you create it for other reasons?" Kakashi asked.

"Rumors of this program have been around since the revolts," Irene said. "Niiminjin Public Security recruited me to see if you could really create such a program. I confirmed that you can, but only under very specific conditions. I created Hypnosis Deletion as a counter measure against the program."

The prickling turned into foreboding. "What kind of conditions?"

"When I wrote the prototype of the program, I made it so that all orange clothes in the vicinity would blow up."

Kakashi's foreboding turned into full-blown dread. "Orange…clothes…?"

"Yes, orange clothes." Irene stared at Kakashi. "What's wrong?"

Naruto broke free of his straps, wrenched the helmet off his head, and pointed an accusing finger at Irene, "YOU! YOU CREATED THE CURSE OF THE ORANGE CLOTHES!"

Irene looked bemused. "Curse of the orange clothes?"

Kakashi felt a headache building. "If Naruto wears anything that's _not_ orange in Konoha, his clothes blow up."

Irene blinked. "That sounds like my program." She turned to Naruto. "How long has this been going on?"

"_Two years,_ damn it!"

"Why didn't you ask me about it? You should have known something that technically complex, but otherwise stupid, must have been made by me!"

"_It was too ridiculous to __be_ true!"

"You still should have asked," Irene chided. "I might have believed you."

Naruto clutched his head and just howled, "AAAUUUURRRGGGGHHH!"

"Anyway, it's a good thing you told me!" Irene said, as she cheerfully manhandled Naruto back to his chair. "You don't have to go through a full scan. Doesn't that make you happy?"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" howled Naruto.

"Ano…" said Lee, from his chair. "I don't think I have the program. Can I get off now?"

"Wait a minute!" Irene finished re-strapping Naruto to his chair. Then she duct taped him for good measure. "All right, I'll set you free!"

_Crazy woman…_ Kakashi thought as he watched Irene remove Lee's straps. Meanwhile, Naruto struggled against the duct tape.

"I DON'T WANNA BE PUT UNDER HYPNOSIS!" Naruto wailed.

"Oh, shush, you're acting like a baby."

"BUT I _REALLY_ DON'T WANT TO!"

And so on. Finally Irene threw her hands up in the air. "Oh, _fine_. If you stay still for the next thirty minutes, I'll get you that ranger outfit you wanted."

That shut Naruto right up.

"The grey one?" he asked hopefully.

"The grey one," Irene confirmed. "I'll get you the gear, too."

Naruto was very happy now, "Yay!"

"I'm warning you though," Irene said as lowered what looked like a pair of binoculars with lots of extra contraptions to Naruto's eyes, "You'll look stupid in that outfit."

Nothing too outlandish or crazy happened afterwards. Irene tweaked this and that, made many lines of characters run down the projector screen, and twiddled the machines into making interesting noises. Eventually, she produced three small circular disks about five centimeters in diameter and two millimeters thick.

"Here is a moderate illusion-breaker," Irene said, as she handed one over to Kakashi. "It should work for most commercial illusions."

Kakashi examined the thin disk. It looked perfectly nondescript and harmless. "Hmm…"

"Do you have any questions?" Irene asked.

"I do, but not about this device." Kakashi pocketed the breaker. "You said you created the Curse of the Orange Clothes program for Niiminjin Public Security. Is the program still confidential?"

"The program's existence has been disclosed since the second Konoha-Niiminjin ceasefire. The program itself is still confidential."

"So if someone had the ability, they could have stolen the program from Public Security."

Irene fingered her chin. "It's possible, but very unlikely."

"Does anyone from Konoha know about this program?" Kakashi asked.

"There was one case where an e-brain user who moved to Konoha was infected by a particularly vicious mutation of the program," Irene said. "A pair of medical ninjas transferred the girl from Konoha Hospital to the EBC. If anyone from Konoha could have learned about the program before you, it would be them."

"Do you know who they were?"

Irene thought for a moment. "… Noguchi Hideyo. And his adopted son: Yakushi Kabuto."

"I see," Kakashi vowed to investigate this matter. "That was very helpful, thank you."

Gai stuck up his thumb. "And thank you so much for your expertise! Konoha had benefited much from your wisdom!"

Irene took the speech and thumb with more grace than any victim Kakashi witnessed. "…My pleasure."

Irene studied Gai a few seconds. At first, Kakashi thought she was going through the inevitable recalibrating-brain-to-accommodate-Gai moment, but then he detected something devious pass through her dark eyes.

"Have you been training kids for long?" she asked.

Gai's sparkly smile was more blinding that usual. "I only started the year before! But through Hard Work and Determination, my team weathered the Storms and walked through Valleys! Now my Genin are proud shinobi worthy of recognition!"

"Hmm…" Irene said, nodding her head thoughtfully. Then she laughed, and told Gai—in his face!—that he was crazy, and that he needed to hang out with more kids. Then she asked for his phone number, and invited him to the concert her Youth Ministry (…_huh?_) was orchestrating. Then Irene turned to the rest of the Konoha Shinobi.

"You're welcome to come too," she said.

However, all the not-Gai shinobi were too stunned to speak. They just stood there, opening and closing their mouths like a group of puffer fishes.

_Fuck me … Just fuck me, _Kakashi thought. Goddamn_ hug-nuzzle-kiss, this has_ _to be the fucking crown jewel of all things disturbing._

00000

The rest of their stay at Niiminjin proved Kakashi was right on some things and wrong on others. Similarly, Irene was proven right on some things and wrong on others.

Irene was wrong when she said Naruto would look stupid in the 'ranger outfit'. Dressed in a blue-grey stretch suit that reminded Kakashi of Gai's spandex, dark grey arm guards and darker chaps, black padded gloves, protective vest, a white helmet that had a visor, a utility belt that had six different bags hanging on its sides, and finally armed with the _weapon-thing_ Hiruma carried on all occasions, Naruto looked absolutely _hilarious_.

On the other hand, Irene was right when she predicted Naruto would abandon the Ranger clothes but would keep the Ranger gear. As soon as Gai and Lee started heaping compliments on his attire— the stretch suit in particular— Naruto changed his mind and got a more reasonable-looking pair of dark running pants and a black tight shirt instead. But he kept the gear and the helmet, despite Iruka's gales of hysterical laughter.

As for Kakashi, he was right when he decided Irene was crazy, but he was wrong when he thought he saw the crown jewel of all things disturbing.

He was proved and disproved almost simultaneously by Irene. When the time came for the shinobi to return to Konoha, Irene gave Gai a Niiminjin style farewell, which drove Gai completely and utterly speechless. Thus Gai came back to Konoha: silent, a dreamy expression on his face, and little figurative pink clouds and flowers hovering around his bowl cut.

And THAT was the most disturbing thing Kakashi had ever seen in his entire life.

As for the Genin, they had a lot of things to say to Gai.

"Congratulations, Gai-sensei! I shall be cheering you from the stands, just as you have been cheering for me!"

"It's a trap! The kids in Irene's Youth Ministry are holy horrors! All the Sunday school teachers quit after suffering mental breakdowns! Now she's desperate enough to ask for your help!"

"No worries! Gai-sensei can put them onto the Path of Righteousness in no time!"

"They'll _screw up_ his head and leave him _muttering_ in a _fetal position_ in no time!"

Lee and Naruto were still arguing over the subject when they almost ran into Sasuke at the market place. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Lee first. Then he turned his glance to Naruto.

"You didn't come this morning," he said by way of greeting.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at him. "What am I, your wife?"

For a split second, a faint color tried to make its way through Sasuke's pale cheeks. But before anyone could confirm its presence, the color was gone, and Sasuke just snorted, "_Baka._"

Kakashi frowned. _Is there something between these two I don't know about_? Iruka frowned too, and scrutinized Sasuke a few moments. What he saw apparently amused him, because Iruka excused himself, and then left the scene with a mysterious smile and a wink.

Thus Kakashi found himself with a moody Sasuke, a bewildered Lee, a belligerent Naruto, and a Gai who had his head in the clouds. Yup, his day was looking _sooo_ much better.

Then Naruto took over. "Don't tell me you skipped breakfast."

Sasuke sneered. "Who am I, you?"

"You'd skip breakfast _because_ you're not me," Naruto said, "But whatever. What do you want for brunch?"

And before Kakashi knew what happened, Naruto talked Sasuke into inviting Gai and Lee to the Uchiha estate.

While Naruto nosed around in the kitchen, Kakashi deposited Gai at the dinner table. Gai just sat there, blinking.

"What's up with him?" Sasuke asked.

_I am not explaining this._ "A girl propositioned him."

"…Is that a joke?"

_I wish it was. _"Maybe, but not on my part."

Kakashi left Sasuke pondering over that enigmatic statement. As he headed to the kitchen, he found Lee offering to help Naruto in the cooking process.

"Do you want me to slice anything? Maybe I can make Gai-sensei's Power Dumplings…"

On the next second Lee had a kitchen knife pointing at the spot between his eyebrows.

"No guests of Team Seven are allowed to work for their food," said Naruto in a forbidding voice. "Now shoo. Go challenge Sasuke or something."

Eventually Lee saluted and left the kitchen. It wasn't long before Kakashi heard an altercation in the gardens.

"I haven't heard of such a rule," Kakashi said, as Naruto put on the yellow apron Sasuke got for him.

"There is now," Naruto replied. He watched Lee send Sasuke flying with a smart kick. "_Ouch_…"

"Are the kids in this Youth Ministry that bad?" Kakashi asked, while Sasuke charged towards Lee again, this time with his Sharingan activated.

"They're not bad, individually," Naruto replied, "But teaching them as a whole is like stuffing twenty Hiruma-sans and Sasuke's into a room and throwing a teacher into the mix."

Kakashi tried to imagine Gai teaching twenty teenaged Hiruma's and Sasuke's stuffed in one room. His brain broke from the horror. Then he noticed something.

"Irene seems fine."

"They didn't screw her up only because she's smarter than the whole lot of them put together."

"She's that smart?"

"Of course, who do you think came up with the plan that tricked Iruka-sensei into teaching us Heavy Chakra?"

"So you two _did_ conspire against me!"

Kakashi and Naruto flinched as Iruka marched into the kitchen, fists on his hips, and glaring. Naruto squeaked and hid behind Kakashi.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourselves?" Iruka demanded.

"…We're very sorry?" Naruto tried, while Kakashi kept quiet.

Iruka looked like he wanted to glare some more, but he deflated with a sigh instead. "If you really wanted to learn Heavy Chakra that much, you could have just asked me," he chided.

"Sorry," Naruto apologized again. Kakashi scratched his head sheepishly.

"Well, that's that," Iruka said. Then he turned to Kakashi. "You might want to stop the fight in the garden, Kakashi-san. Lee sent Sasuke airborne, and both of them haven't touched the ground for the last two minutes. I don't know about you, but I really don't like the look of it."

All three of them crowded together at the kitchen window and looked out. Just as Iruka said, both Lee and Sasuke were hovering in the air, and they didn't look like they were going to fall any time soon. Then Kakashi noticed Lee had unraveled the bandages on his left arm.

"You're right. This looks bad," Kakashi sighed. "Okay, I'll go…"

Gai barged in the middle of the fight with his Magnificent Swooping Swan kick. Naruto ran out to the garden too, just in time to cushion Sasuke from his freefall. In no time at all, Gai was admonishing Lee with his usual intensity and emotion, and Naruto was hauling Sasuke back to his feet.

"…Never mind." Kakashi shrugged, and turned to Iruka. "So what were you up to?"

"I needed to check something," Iruka said, as he watched Gai give Lee a tearful and manly hug. "Speaking of which, Kakashi, can you meet me tomorrow at around four?"

"Sure. Why?"

"There's something I was meaning to tell you, but I couldn't," Iruka said cryptically. "Will the dango shop do?"

Kakashi had several suspicions of what Iruka was meaning to tell him, "Yeah."

Iruka smiled. Then he watched the scene in the garden, where Gai was making an awful pose, Lee was saluting to whatever Gai was saying, and Naruto was pushing a reluctantly-pleased Sasuke back to the mansion.

"I can't believe they're going to take the Chuunin exams tomorrow," Iruka whispered.

Kakashi looked away. For one brief moment, he wondered if it would be better if his team didn't enter the exams. The peaceful routine of training seemed to be doing a good job at mellowing Sasuke— it was just possible his single-minded hatred would die down to a manageable level if the routine continued. Besides, Sakura wasn't confident in her abilities yet, and there was always the winter exam…

…_Get a grip. _Kakashi chastised himself. _You already rolled the dice. Now it's up to them to do something about it._

00000

Kakashi felt pride he hadn't felt for a long time rise in his chest when all three of his Genin trudged towards room 301 of the Academy on the next day. Even Naruto's ridiculous outfit didn't do anything to ruin it.

"So Sakura came too," he noted in lieu of greeting. "Good. Then you three can take the exams."

Sakura frowned. "What do you mean?"

"In order to take the Chuunin exams, you have to register as a team of three," Kakashi explained.

Naruto, who was ordered not to divulge that bit of info, glowered at Kakashi. "You _lied_."

"If I told you about the team requirement, either you or Sasuke might have pressured Sakura into participating," Kakashi said. "She would have entered for your sakes, but not by free will."

"You still lied," Naruto insisted.

Kakashi beamed without remorse. "I know."

"What would have happened if Sakura didn't come?" Sasuke asked.

"I wouldn't have let you go any further than here," Kakashi answered. Then he smiled. "It looks like I don't have to do that, though. All of you are here at your own free will. It was worth teaching you lot. I'm proud of you."

"Well _I'm_ not proud of _you_," Naruto grumbled. "It is official now: You're a liar. I'm never going to believe anything you say about exams ever again."

If anything, that made Kakashi beam even more. "Ditto that. Now go."

"_Itekimasu_!" his Genin shouted as they stepped through the opened doors.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	16. A Ninja’s Wager

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

000000  
A Ninja's Wager  
000000

Kakashi wasn't lying when he said he was proud of his students. He had been proud of them since Wave Country, and their actions from thereafter mostly added onto that state of pride. Given enough time and liberal applications of torture beyond the mere physical, Kakashi would confess that in public. But for now he had greater concerns to address and more urgent places to be.

Like the Ninja Academy's surveillance room. Around this time of the Chuunin exams, the place turned into a veritable gambling den where (unsavory) people could bet on the possible outcomes of the intelligence exam. It also became a place where a lot of contradictory codes of decency existed: for instance, it was considered a bad show for a Jounin teacher whose team was taking the exam to go there to make personal profit, but good sport for said Jounin teacher to bet for his/her team, regardless of the actual probability of the outcome.

As one famous writer noted, Ninjas led very complicated lives.

Anyway, regardless of decency codes in effect, Kakashi didn't gamble without purpose, and he didn't like the idea of using his students to gain profit. But Gai had been muttering something about using his savings to pay Lee's maintenance bill (this amount showed them _why_ Lee hadn't maintained his implants) and, well, he had to do _something_…

"_Kakashi?_"

Kakashi heard the first shout of shocked recognition immediately after he stepped into the surveillance room. It came from Anko, by the sound of it. Kakashi looked around to see if it really was her, but instead found a number of people he saw from THE CAKE INCIDENT. Come to think of it, Anko had been there too…figures.

A young Chuunin who looked like a bookie spotted Kakashi and came over.

"_Irasshai_, Hatake-san, how may I help you?"

Kakashi made a politely embarrassed-sheepish face. "Where are the monitors?"

The bookie grinned, "This way."

Kakashi trudged after the guy carefully, so he wouldn't touch any people. For some reason or another, rubbing shoulders against anyone brought a sick feeling to his stomach. That, of course, didn't make any sense, but Kakashi was used to ignoring/denying any feelings of sickness or guilt while on a mission, so he kept his course all the way to the inner surveillance room.

Kakashi surveyed the place. Apparently, the security department had gotten a budget raise. All of the old black-and-white monitors were gone, and in their place were shiny-new color screens. They added sound-support as well, judging from the newly installed speakers. The people who ran the inner surveillance room, however, hadn't changed at all.

As for the people who came here for the special occasion, no matter how many times Kakashi gambled, said people were still surprised when they noticed him.

"Don't tell me you're here for a wager?" asked someone (inevitably).

Kakashi shrugged. He didn't care how the people took that careless gesture.

It wasn't long before the others recovered from Kakashi's rudeness and started the inevitable: teasing.

"I knew it! He _is_ into gambling!" Lots of raucous laughter.

"Nah, he's just worried about his widdle babies," More raucous laughter.

Kakashi zoned them out at this point. He zoned them out so completely, he missed the time when the others stopped teasing him due to his lack of response. Kakashi wasn't too worried about that. Gamblers were resilient folk, and it was only a matter of time before they found something else to amuse themselves. Then, lo and behold:

"Hey, take a look at this guy!"

Kakashi looked at the guy in question.

It was Naruto in all his uncharacteristically not-orange glory.

Even after twenty four hours of prior exposure, Naruto's new outfit made Kakashi burst into fits of (internalized) hysterical laughter. _BWAHAHAHAHAHA…!_

As for those who didn't know better, they were merely intrigued.

"Do you know who he is?"

"Darned if I know; a Niiminjin graduate probably."

"Well, who ever he is, he's fucking hardcore."

"Too small and skinny, though."

_GYAHAHAHA—HAHAHAHA…!_

"Hatake-san, are you all right? Your eye is kind of glassy."

_HAHAHahaha… ha… ha…_ "Ah, I'm fine."

"If you say so," said the bookie-Chuunin rather dubiously. Then he went to business: "Fancy a wager, sir? You can bet on the number of teams, number of people, specific teams, specific people, or customize. The usual rules apply: the unlikelier the outcome, the bigger your return. No betting over other people's bets and no refunds for all wagers."

Kakashi cocked his head. "How do you calculate the winnings for customized bets?"

"Obviously, we first have to check if we can quantify the probability of outcome," the bookie said. "The winnings are thirty percent of the amount wagered, multiplied by the inverse of the probability. If thirty percent of the inverse of the probability is bigger than our maximum multiplier, we scale it down to the max. One exception to this rule is bets which probability can be calculated in more than one way. Then it's double or nothing."

"What is the maximum multiplier?"

"6."

"That's pretty generous."

"Not really," the bookie waved his hand sideways. "Most customized bets end up falling into predefined categories. The rest are rejected on the grounds of ambiguity. Besides, the chance of winning a customized bet is pretty dang low. _I_ certainly wouldn't recommend it."

"Hmm…" Kakashi noted thoughtfully.

"So what will it be?" the bookie asked eagerly. "I'll give you excellent odds for this year's rookie nine. It's good sport to bet on your own team too!"

Kakashi pretended to think that over. "Maybe I'll do that…"

The bookie grinned and took out his notepad. Kakashi reached into his flack jacket and pulled out a wad of bills.

"Four hundred that Uzumaki Naruto gets all of the written-out questions correctly, six hundred that no one in this room figures out how he did it, and one thousand he gives the head proctor The Bird."

The look on the bookie-guy's face was priceless.

"…Are you _fucking_ crazy?" he squawked.

Kakashi shrugged. He didn't care how the bookie or any eavesdroppers took that either.

"You _are_ fucking crazy," bookie-guy declared, shaking his head. Nevertheless, he wrote Kakashi a receipt and headed towards the cashiers muttering: "Must be nice to have so much money to throw away…"

Kakashi settled down. While the hosts were presumably discussing his insane wager(s), Kakashi watched his team interact with the other leaf Genin. It was a pity the speakers were off; Naruto looked like he worked up a lot of steam inside his (helmet encased) head at the moment, trying to get Lee to take his side on whatever argument he was having against an older and (rather appropriately) gray-haired Konoha Genin wearing glasses.

_At least he could have taken off his stupid face wrappings, __because then I could have read his lips…_ Kakashi grumbled to himself. He chuckled when Naruto finally threw his hands up in the air in a thoroughly fed-up manner, and walked away in a huff. _There's my little macho…_

Finally the bookie came back to Kakashi.

"We're gonna accept your first two bets; times six for the first, and two for the second," the bookie told him. "We had to reject your third bet, though. Sorry."

"Why?" Kakashi asked, as he got back half of his money.

"Newbie forgiveness," the bookie said cryptically. When Kakashi continued to stare, he elaborated: "_Morino Ibiki_'s head proctor this year."

Kakashi's hand twitched despite himself. The bookie noted the twitch and took it as a wordless acknowledgement, the presumptuous git.

"We also have to make your bets public. Do you have any problem with that?"

Kakashi shook his head.

"Right," the bookie shook his head too. "For the record, I think you're completely off your rocker, and the rocker exploded."

Kakashi shrugged for the third time. "It's better than the alternative."

The bookie rolled his eyes, "Like I said, off your fucking rocker." Then he turned to the crowd of amateur (and not-so-amateur) gamblers.

"LADIES AND GENTS, MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?"

Everyone looked up, including Kakashi.

"Our very own Hatake Kakashi has submitted the most audacious bet! He wagers _four hundred_ Ryo Uzumaki Naruto answers all the written questions of the cheating exam correctly, and _six hundred_ Ryo NO ONE in this room can figure out how he did it! We are talking about _infinitesimally_ small probability here, folks! The probability of the first wager is _0.0000000000262144 percent_! The probably of the second bet is completely off the charts!"

As expected, all eyes converged to Kakashi. Kakashi tilled his head like a puppy that didn't know any better. Truth be told, however, Kakashi was a bit uncertain. _**Ibiki**__'s heading the exam? This is going to tough…_

"Now, for obvious reasons, we need your help for the second bet!" the bookie further announced. "_Do we have your cooperation!_?"

There was a brief pause. Then a deafening and mutinous: "_AYE_!"

"Then it is settled!" The bookie roared. "We will use Monitors Five and Six to observe Naruto! Anyone at any time during the exams may submit their ideas! Kakashi wins if no one is on the mark…any questions?"

"Which one is Naruto?" shouted a guy in the back.

"Yeah, I can't find him!" shouted another.

"Is he entering at all?" shouted a third.

Kakashi barely managed to remain poised and calm when all eyes converged back to him.

"Naruto's the kid wearing the white helmet," Kakashi informed them.

Dead silence.

A glass quietly shattered on the floor.

More dead silence…then…

"WHAT THE FUCK_?_"

"NO WAY!"

"YOU'RE SHITTING US!"

Kakashi shook his head, barely calm and two seconds away from breaking his poise. That generated more disbelief and outrage. Kakashi was just about to lose both his poise and reputation for unruffleability, when the speakers came alive with ear-tearing static, followed by the menacing rumble of Morino Ibiki, Torture and Interrogation specialist.

"_**Quiet down**_**, shitheads**."

Quite a few people in the room shut their mouths before they realized Ibiki wasn't talking to them.

"**Omatasae, I am Morino Ibiki, first protector of the Chuunin Exam. Be warned, I will tolerate NO unauthorized fights, and NO intentionally murderous behaviors. ANYONE who disobeys my orders will be disqualified. **_**Do I make myself clear?**_"

"…Someone's having a good time."

"Hee, hee, they're all quaking in their skins…"

Kakashi ignored the inconsequential whispers and observed his Genin. As he expected, Naruto merely looked curious rather than overwhelmed. _But then again, no one without iron-clad nerves can survive constant exposure to the Umino Effect and stay sane_…

…_Wait, _**is**_ Naruto sane?_

Kakashi pondered over this psychological conundrum. Meanwhile, Ibiki explained the exam procedures: The first exam is a written test (_duh_); they will be given a seat number when they submit their applications; everyone must sit at their designated seats, no exceptions (_yawn_); writing utensils and test papers will be distributed once everyone is seated (_get on with it!_). Then Ibiki explained the exam rules: each person starts with a maximum of ten points (_bah_); for each wrong answer or blank question, one point will be deducted from their total score (_hmmm, new_); their pass/fail status will be judged based on the total number of points a team accumulates (_I sense sadistic creativity!_); if anyone loses all ten points, the entire team fails (_that's creative sadism!_); if anyone is caught cheating or doing something similarly suspicious, the shit will have _two points_ deducted from his or her total score for each offense. So if you're going to cheat, cheat like a Ninja …

Kakashi paused to admire Ibiki's handiwork. The rules would put the weak ones into a nervous-defensive mindset, and Ibiki's presence, as well as the other proctors, would exacerbate that state of tension. The candidates will have to cheat for the answers in that kind of cut-throat atmosphere, provided that they picked up Ibiki's hint. Thus the chaff would be taken out of the wheat.

_Unfortunately for these bastards, Naruto is best at this game,_ Kakashi thought almost smugly._ It's going to take more than negative-enforcement rules and normal scary presence to faze _him_…_

The test started. Everyone in the surveillance room crowded around the monitors and put Naruto under their scrutiny. The camera operator techie switched POVs according to the requests. Oblivious to the sixty-odd pairs of eyes watching his every movement, Naruto studied the questions written on the test sheet. Then, he put down his test and closed his eyes. On the next second, Naruto dropped his head towards his chest in a classic dozing pose.

Everyone just stared for a moment.

"…Did he just fall _asleep_?"

"It _looks_ like it."

"Either he's actually up to something, or he gave up. He's that kind of an idiot."

"Maybe it's a distraction…"

Time ticked on. Naruto remained in his state of apparent doze. Hyuuga Hinata, who was sitting right next to Naruto, became increasingly anxious. Sakura, who sat two rows behind Naruto, occasionally gave Naruto's slouched back murderously exasperated looks. Sasuke, who was sitting three rows behind, also gave Naruto's back looks of frustration. Meanwhile, the discussion in the surveillance room rose in crescendo.

"He _can't_ be asleep. _No one_ sleeps in front of Ibiki unless they're a Yamanaka, which he isn't!"

"Then why the heck is he not even picking up his pencil? I'm tellin' ya, he gave up!"

"But Kakashi doesn't bet to lose…"

Etcetera and so forth. Those who weren't participating in the discussion kept their eyes on Naruto. But no matter how hard they stared from different angles, Naruto didn't move.

About fifteen minutes into the exam, Hinata discretely prodded Naruto's hand. Naruto cracked open an eye almost immediately. Hinata mouthed something; an offer to let Naruto look at her test, from the look of it. Instead of taking the offer, Naruto quickly wrote something on the corner of his test:

_Don't. You might lose points if you help me._

Hinata blushed, mouthed a silent apology and returned to her test. Naruto sighed and closed his eyes again, hands back on the table.

"…_Idiot_. That was a total freebee."

"There goes _our _freebee too…"

Fifteen more minutes passed. During the interim, thirteen teams were disqualified. Kakashi noted when the real Yamanaka (Ino) took over Sakura's body via Shintenshin forty minutes into the exam. One person suggested Naruto was gambling on the tenth question. Another suggested Naruto was going to guess everything. All the while, Naruto dozed on (or so it seemed).

Forty two minutes into the exam, and three minutes before the tenth question was issued, Naruto opened his eyes. Then he picked up his pencil and started writing. The techie immediately switched POVs so he could focus onto Naruto's test. Naruto stopped scribbling exactly a minute before the end of the written section of the test.

He got all nine questions correct.

The silence that befell the surveillance room was quite stunning.

"…WHAT THE FUCK DID HE DO?" someone finally howled.

Kakashi smiled beneath his mask while the discussion regained its previous heat, intensity and volume.

"HIS TEAMMATES MUST HAVE HELPED HIM, I SWEAR!"

"THEN _HOW_ DID THEY HELP HIM? I'VE BEEN WATCHING HIS TEAMMATES AND THEY WERE TOO BUSY WITH THEIR OWN TESTS!"

"IS THERE ANY OTHER ALTERNATIVE?"

"…The cameras!"

Everyone stared at the camera-operating techie, who exclaimed the last suggestion. The techie was staring at the monitor screens, his face frozen in wonder and disbelief.

"I think he took over the security cameras," the techie elaborated. "I tried switching the POV to camera fifteen, but it didn't respond. I also noticed camera ten and nine were zooming in without my authorization."

Silence.

"…Holy shit."

"…No way…!"

"…But there's no other explanation…"

"…And Naruto's from Niiminjin, the supposed Mecca of Old World technology…"

"…It just might be _possible_…"

In this mist of the excited whispers of enlightenment, the sound of Ibiki's voice ordering the remaining Genin to put down their pencils flowed out from the speakers.

"**And now we will begin the tenth question. But before we start, I will go over the additional rules…**"

But by then, the people in the surveillance room lost interest in the exam.

"HAHA, Checkmate, Kakashi!"

"We p0wn you!"

Kakashi yawned. Even if he lost the second bet, he still won more than he lost.

Ibiki went on: "**Here are the rules of utter hopelessness: First, you must choose whether you are going to take the tenth question or not.**"

"_**Choose!**_**? **_**What happens if we choose not to?**_"

"**If you choose not to accept the tenth question, your score will automatically be reduced to zero. Thus you fail, as well as your two teammates.**"

"…_**BULLSHIT!**_"

"_**If that's the case, who's gonna refuse!**_**?**"

Pause.

"…**There is a second rule,**" Ibiki said. "**If you accept the tenth question, but answer it incorrectly, then that person loses the right to EVER take the Chuunin exam again!**"

Kakashi let out a low whistle. Ibiki really did it this year; talk about scaring the living daylights out of people without laying a finger on them.

As expected, the Genin protested long and loud against the irregular rules. Ibiki remained stoic in his (apparent) power of tyranny, and told them they had the option of refusing to answer the question and trying again next year.

The test room soon fell silent. Even watching through monitors, one could feel the weight of the Genin's fear and indecision.

Then one by one, the Genin started to raise their hands. And three by three, people left the test room, defeated.

In seven minutes, the number of Genin still taking the test was reduced to double digits. The remaining eighty four just eyed each other and didn't budge.

That was when Kakashi noticed Sakura's hand was snaking upwards. _Quitting on behalf of Naruto_? Kakashi thought with mild alarm and surprise. _Admirable, but a bad call!_

Then his team was further doomed: Naruto's hand shot up in the air. Sakura's own hand froze midway. Kakashi froze too.

"_**Sorry ossan. But you can eat your threats and choke on them!**_" Naruto said loudly and clearly.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. So did Ibiki.

"_**It's pretty obvious you're trying to scare as many people into quitting as possible!**_" Naruto said. "_**And you certainly did a good job at it! But I have no intention of running way! I don't care if you really have the power to turn the lot of us into eternal Genin. I'm not dragging down my entire team!**_"

Kakashi smiled.

"_**And even if it was only my ass on the line, I'm still not going to run! Because there's no way you'll get to the top if you're a coward who won't take any chances!**_"

Silence fell on both quarters. Then Kakashi almost laughed outright when Naruto raised his hand and gave Ibiki "The Finger". _That's my boy…_

"Fuck me, he actually did it…" someone whistled inside the surveillance room.

"…**Let me ask this one last time,**" said Ibiki. "**Are you going to quit?**"

"_**Nope, no way, and I won't go back on my word!**_"

Kakashi couldn't help it: he chuckled. _Well, will you look at that: Naruto convinced _EVERYONE_ to take up the challenge. Talk about Powers of Motivation_…

At length Ibiki thinly smiled. The other proctors nodded too.

"**Good decision,**" said Ibiki. "**Now to everyone still here …**"

A collective swallow,

"…**I congratulate you for passing the first test!**"

Pause.

"…_WHAT THE FECK!_?"

00000

While Kakashi waited to collect his winnings, he listened to Ibiki tell the Genin the purpose of the intelligence exam: to test their information gathering skills and see if they had the guts to take dangerous missions and make tough choices.

"**Sometimes, information is valued more than lives, and in war, people risk their lives to get their hands on information. But no matter what day and age, there will be dangerous missions you can't avoid. Only those who can be courageous and survive any hardship is worthy of becoming a Chuunin.**"

_And that's the way it goes… _Kakashi nodded sagely as he pocketed his fourteen hundred extra Ryo. He watched Anko barge into the examination room in all her exhibitionist glory, and his Genin mill out after her.

Kakashi was about to leave when he heard Lee's voice from the speakers.

"**Naruto-kun, did you hack into the surveillance camera system?**"

Naruto snorted, "**As if!**"

There was a lot of scraping and falling of chairs while the people inside the inner surveillance room made double takes. Kakashi just stood where he was, listening.

"**But I saw you accessing the e-brain network during the test!**" said Lee's voice.

"**I accessed the e-brain network, sure. But I didn't hack anything.**"

"**Then how did you answer the questions? Except for the one that asked the equation of Special Relativity, none of the questions had answers you could query from the web!**"

"**I happen to know this really good hacker**," said Naruto's voice. "**I asked her during the test if she could give me a hand. She's the one who hijacked the cameras and fed me the answers.**"

"_**Ohh…**_"

"**She was really excited when I asked her. Even said she'd do it for free. Then she got all hissy when she broke Konoha's security with a **_**dictionary attack**_**.**"

As if on cue, an entire row of monitors turned black and the words 'YOU GUYS SUCK!' started running across the screens. Then all the monitors went white, and the speakers buzzed with static before shutting down altogether.

Silence filled the room; only the soft 'thump' of someone sitting heavily into a chair disturbed it.

Kakashi turned around and faced the stunned people. "…I believe that's another twelve hundred," he said.

Ten minutes later, Kakashi left the surveillance room a good deal richer (and a lot less liked; but that was neither here nor there). As Kakashi straightened himself before he headed to his next destination, a woman walked towards him.

And what a fine woman she was: tall stature, straight posture, and her shoulders thrown back like a confident solider; toned arms and legs, and clear skin; the most excellent cleavage, and a face that could destroy men and dynasties alike…

The lady met Kakashi's eye easily. She stepped right into his personal space so easily too.

"Kakashi-san?" she said, oh-so-sweetly. Already she put a hand on his shoulder. "May I have a minute with you?"

"…I have somewhere to go."

The woman just smiled. Kakashi immediately found his senses muffling as if they were coming from a distance, and his thought processes slowing … down…

…Wait a minute: a numbing sensation that halted all rational thought?

"Iruka?"

00000  
TBC  
00000


	17. Awaited Answers

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Awaited Answers  
00000

"Iruka?"

The woman (Iruka) grinned and leaned into Kakashi, placing a finger on his mask-covered mouth in a hushing gesture. Kakashi tacked an amendment to his guess: _Professional flirt! _

By the time the gamblers inside the security room started milling out, the lady (Iruka) was leading Kakashi away with her (his) arms locked around Kakashi's. Kakashi could feel the dead weight of the stares aimed at his back, but for once, he didn't mind looking elsewhere when (semi-)killing intent was directed at him.

The lady (Iruka) continued to hang onto Kakashi's arm even after they left the Academy.

"You haven't visited me for so long, I thought you got bored of me," she (he) said, while drawing words beneath Kakashi's forearm: _**Alert**__._

"Training Genin takes up a lot of time," Kakashi said, playing along and writing his own message. _**What?**_

"_Araaa_, that didn't stop you before,"_**Inquiry**__._

_Shit. _"Haha, sure…"

They walked all the way to the shopping district like that, talking about everything and nothing. It was a lot harder than it looked, even with the lady (Iruka) doing most of the talking. By the time they entered the dango shop Konoha shinobi often used for clandestine meetings, Kakashi's subconscious decision to remain celibate for the rest of his life was triple enforced. _Temporary courtship is harrowing enough. Marriage will kill me._

It was only after they got inside a private booth and received their courtesy-order dango did Iruka start using his usual voice. He didn't transform back, half because of security reasons, and half because he was actually wearing a dress.

"Is that Naruto's Sexy-no-Jutsu?" Kakashi asked, staring at the aforementioned dress.

Laughter danced in Iruka's eyes, "Maybe."

Kakashi felt his entire body scream at the mystery left unanswered. "You mentioned an inquiry?"

"I heard a whisper that said Homura-sama wanted to summon me for questions. I confirmed it wasn't just gossip."

_Shit…shit! _"So your counter measure is giving me a long-established girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"Don't you think it'll be more suspicious if an unknown woman about your height shows up and claims to be my girlfriend?"

"No." Iruka held up his forefinger. "One, your new girlfriend 'Majima Noriko' is known to a number of old council members and politicians as Umino Iruka's cousin from his mother's side. Two, Umino Iruka was Noriko's touchstone when she was a spy and paramour of Mist Country's Daimyo. Three, Noriko had to retire from the stage at age eighteen because she _grew too tall_."

Kakashi let out an involuntary snort of laughter, "Too tall, huh?"

Iruka shrugged theatrically. "Men generally don't like it when a girl can look down at you."

Kakashi laughed outright. "I suppose. So your scenario is Umino Iruka introduced me to his 'cousin' some time earlier this year."

"I was actually thinking New Years Eve, but that will do too."

"I suppose." Kakashi took a sip from his teacup. "So what is this thing you were meaning to tell me, but couldn't?"

Iruka smiled, and leaned towards the table in a manner of someone holding the keys to heaven.

"As of today, my last hostage rescue mission has been declassified."

Kakashi blinked. "The one when Naruto stole the Forbidden scroll?"

"The one and only."

"_Ah_," Kakashi leaned in with great interest, teacup and girlfriend-required situation forgotten. _TELL MEEEEEEE!_

"Where to begin…" Iruka pondered. Then he flicked a finger and summoned a file. "My part of the story starts three years ago, when I was still a profiler at the KCPD (Konoha Criminal Profiling Division). One fine summer morning Suo Matsudaira sensei came to my office and commissioned a comprehensive profile on Naruto. Take a wild guess on why he wanted it."

Kakashi could imagine only a handful of (sane) reasons. "Naruto was getting too reckless with his pranks?"

Iruka shook his head. "It's actually the opposite. In a span of two months, Naruto completely halted his pranks, didn't make any fuss in class, and finally stopped talking altogether."

Even three years late, Kakashi felt an alarm blaring inside his head. "Something was going on."

"Yes. The academy was aware of that possibility, but they didn't do anything," Iruka said. Kakashi could tell the academy's decision still angered him. Small wonder; it pissed off Kakashi too. "Then Naruto jumped from Hell's Gate, apparently in an attempt of suicide. _Two days_ _after_ the incident, Matsudaira-sensei came to me with a personal commission. I accepted it, and for the next ten days I observed Naruto under the guise of a substitute teacher."

Kakashi took a moment to swallow the word 'suicide' and squelch the emotions tied to it. "…What did you find?"

Iruka took out a crumpled three page report stained with dried blood from the folder and handed it over to Kakashi.

"This," he said.

Kakashi took the report and studied the old blood stains first. The pattern told him the paper had been in close proximity of a person who got a major artery severed. Then he read the report itself. The report was an essay about 'the person you admire'. Naruto didn't opt for some famous ninja like most kids, but wrote about a 'Richie o-jisan': how much he loved listening to the old man sing hymns and play the piano, and how he loved the times when Richie jiichan sat next to him and taught him how to play.

Kakashi folded the report and put it on the table. "To whom do the bloodstains belong?" he asked.

"The late Lee Richado, aka 'Richie o-jisan'," Iruka answered. "It is said Richado-san carried that report with him everywhere he went, and no one left without him reading it to them," A pause, "He was reading it to someone just before he was murdered by an anti-Konoha mob."

Kakashi flicked his eye down to the paper. "So Naruto was grieving."

"Yes. But his grieving took the unhealthy turn two weeks _after_ Richado-san's death."

Kakashi turned that fact over his head. "Did something happen in those two weeks?"

"I'm not sure, but I have an idea." Iruka flipped through the file again, and this time pulled out a photograph. "Yesterday's meeting gave me an unexpected breakthrough. Take a look at this photo of Richado-san."

The picture featured an elderly man sitting behind a black piano. The elderly man—Richado— was bespectacled and silvered haired, with sharp intelligent eyes and a large rising forehead. He also bore a great familial resemblance to Lee Irene.

"Late Richado was Airin's Father," Kakashi stated.

"Most likely, I'll still have to ask Airin-san (Irene) for confirmation, though." Iruka cleared his throat. "I'm only guessing here, but I also think whatever confined Airin-san to a wheelchair happened in the two weeks following Richado-san's murder."

Kakashi accepted the guess as probable. The anti-Konoha riots were at their peak three years ago, so it wasn't surprising if a person who willingly sponsored a child of Konoha was almost fatally lynched. Badly timed relapses of degenerative diseases couldn't be ruled out either, as well as badly timed accidents. With these factors in mind, Kakashi constructed a possible scenario:

_Naruto was grieving over Richado's death. Then two weeks later Irene, who was probably his only emotional support at the time, came close to dying from a deadly disease or accident or attack. That left Naruto alone and practically helpless, with both Konoha and Niiminjin out to get him…_

…_Prime time for someone unsavory to step in. _"What did Mizuki offer Naruto in exchange for the scroll?"

Iruka looked down. "Mizuki … didn't offer anything to Naruto as much as he hinted that the scroll might have a jutsu he'd want, and that he could help him learn it."

_Fucking bastard, _"So Naruto was hoodwinked. What happened after the theft?"

"Instead of meeting up with Mizuki again, Naruto went straight to Niiminjin General Hospital," Iruka told him. "Naruto must have found out he'd been conned there, because he alerted the Niiminjin authorities about the theft. The problem was, Mizuki found Naruto too quickly, and Niiminjin Law Enforcement didn't alert Konoha when Mizuki took Naruto and several ICU patients as hostages. By the time I came to Niiminjin, the situation had already fallen into a deadlock: fifty plus policemen were barricading all of the hospital's escape routes, five sniper units were holding their positions with orders to shoot to kill if necessary, and Mizuki was holed up in a way that the snipers couldn't take him out without harming the hostages."

_Crazy shit! _"The snipers must have been pretty good if they could stop a veteran Konoha Chuunin from escaping."

"They were. The snipers themselves weren't particularly fast or strong, but they had weapons that had incredible range and destructive power. The few I saw in action, one shot was powerful enough to penetrate two steel-enforced walls. And they didn't need an actual visual of Mizuki in order to aim and shoot."

_Goddamn, crazy shit! _"But still, it was _you_ who managed to clean up the mess." Kakashi looked at Iruka keenly. "How did you do it?"

But even as he spoke, Kakashi knew he'd have to settle for a mission report later. Iruka's expressive face made no secret of his internal struggle to filter out the deeply personal aspects of the mission, when those deeply personal aspects were too intricately woven into the mission in the first place.

Kakashi decided to let Iruka go on that one. "…Not many _Jounin_ could have handled that kind of situation. I really have to hand it to you."

Iruka blushed. "It was a miracle. I still don't know how none of the hostages got hurt."

_You take this humility thing way too far_. "Don't be shy now. You should've gotten a promotion after that mission."

"Don't you think you're taking this flattery thing a bit too far?" Nonetheless, Iruka looked pleased.

Therefore Kakashi was free to say: "No. Anyway, thank you for telling me as soon as you were able." _The itch is gone. Now I can rest in peace. _"Were you planning to go to Niiminjin after this?"

"Yes," Iruka said, as he put Naruto's essay and photograph back into the folder. "I need to talk to Airin-san (Irene) again."

"Mind if I follow? I want to know if she has head plugs, and if she does, how much of the Forbidden Scroll she read and memorized."

"Nothing passes you, does it?" Iruka smiled. "You're welcome to come."

_Woohoo! _"Hopefully she won't know enough to merit silencing."

"Don't say things like that so lightly," Iruka chided.

They paid their bill and left the dango shop. Iruka took a brief trip to his apartment to get out of his dress and get back into his usual ninja gear. He met up with Kakashi again, and together they headed to Niiminjin.

About half-way there, Kakashi posed the question that was bothering him:

"The Hell's Gate incident, was it really a suicide attempt?"

Iruka gave Kakashi an unreadable look.

"According to Suo Matsudaira-sensei— and I verified this with the witness— Naruto slipped away when no one was paying attention, took off his shoes, and prayed before he jumped."

…_Damnit. Sounds like an authentic and classic suicide attempt._ "If anyone but you told me Naruto has a suicide attempt on his rap sheet, I'd laugh at them."

"Looking at him now, I know it's hard to believe," Iruka agreed. "And it's possible we're interpreting the facts wrongly. But Naruto once made a comment that seemed to imply he was in a state of great confusion and depression over his existence."

_Existential crisis, depression and Naruto used on the same sentence? Now I know I'm in the Twilight Zone… _Still, Kakashi cocked his head sideways to show he was listening.

"After I learned Richado-san was murdered, I tried to comfort him," Iruka said. "My words were: 'His spirit is watching over you, and you'll get to meet him in your next life'. Instead of being relieved, he just looked at me, just stared at me, and then he said: '_If there is such a thing as a previous life and a next life, then that means it's perfectly possible that I'm a monster who got stuck inside a human body. And if I'm a monster stuck inside a human body, then how can I possibly meet someone as good as Richie o-jisan in my next life? I'll still carry the sins of a monster!_' "

Kakashi just stopped. He didn't know what to think.

"…Naruto knew about the Kyuubi?" Kakashi eventually asked, with all the lameness he never thought possible.

"Not at that time, no," Iruka said. "But he'd heard enough implied-slurs to start wondering if he was a monster forced to reincarnate in a human body."

Kakashi had a sudden, irrational desire to inflict the entire village with the worst nightmare genjutsu he could conjure up. But since Kakashi was a rational person, he just stomped on the desire and tossed it over his shoulder. But even if the desire had some rational basis, and Kakashi had the ability to cast such a jutsu, he probably wouldn't do it, lest he become a hypocrite who had known better but didn't do anything about it until Naruto was semi-forced upon him.

Then, with equal suddenness, Kakashi wondered what the least hypocritical person in Konoha was able to do.

"What did you say to Naruto after that?"

Iruka looked away, "Nothing. I didn't know what to say."

The rest of the trip progressed in mournful silence.

00000

Kakashi and Iruka lucked out in finding Irene. Just as they were trying to recall which building had the elevator that went down to the lower levels of Niiminjin, Kakashi noticed the familiar figure of a white-haired woman sitting in a wheelchair inside a coffee shop. Irene noticed them too, and hailed them over.

"What brings you to Niiminjin again?" Irene asked, after she bought them coffee (she insisted).

"You," said Kakashi without ceremony. Iruka tried to set his face on fire soon afterwards. Irene, on the other hand, was very amused.

"Was that a proposition, or are you here on a mission that involves me somehow?" she asked.

"The latter for me," Kakashi said. "I'm not sure about Iruka, though."

It was so much fun watching Iruka fly off the handle, "KAKASHI!"

Irene's smile grew wider. "As flattered as I am, I don't go out with guys younger than my brother. And if I remember correctly, Iruka-san is three years my junior whereas my brother is two years my junior."

"Oh, that's a pity. Iruka is a prime male shinobi, too."

If Iruka flew any more off handle, he was going to burst a vein, "_KAKASHI!_"

"I think I'll like living in Konoha. Every other guy is crazy." Irene beamed. "So how may I help you?"

Kakashi cleared his throat. "Truth be told, I've been joking around because I have to bring up something that might distress you."

Irene's smile faded a little. "What is it?"

Kakashi took out Richado's photograph from the mission folder Iruka had brought with him, and slid it across the table. "Is this man your father?"

Irene stared at the picture. She wasn't smiling anymore.

"…It's been years since I've seen my Dad look so serious," Irene said at length. Her face held that shuttered look one could often find on people whose past regrets hurt them on a regular basis.

_Oh no, I fucked up, _Kakashi thought as he imagined the door to the answers shut in his face. Then Iruka kicked Kakashi under the table and took over.

"I'm so sorry we had to bring up such a painful subject," Iruka said earnestly. "But please understand. We want to know more about Naruto. For the last three years, we've been blundering around trying to figure out his background and motivations to little avail. Only yesterday were we able to trace your father— who was a significant figure to Naruto— to you."

The corner of Irene's lips quirked a little. "Naruto wasn't exactly forthcoming about my existence to you, was he?"

"He probably wanted to protect you from the crazy Konoha ninjas," Kakashi said, actually meaning it this time.

Irene snorted. "That boy introduced me to twenty different native Konoha men in hopes that I'd take one as a _lover_." She clasped her hands and sat up straighter. "So, what do you want to know?"

Kakashi kept quiet (he decided he'd put his foot deep enough into his mouth for the entire duration of the interview), while Iruka phrased their first question.

"Let's start with the Niiminjin hostage case from three years ago," Iruka said. "I assume you know about it?"

"I should. I was one of the hostages."

Iruka blinked at the unexpected info, "Really? Then if you don't mind, can you tell us why you were in Niiminjin General Hospital at that time?"

"I have a type of Multiple Systems Atrophy more commonly known as 'e-Brain Death Syndrome'," Irene explained. "My condition took a nosedive about a week after my father's death. I was in and out of the ICU for the next two months."

_So it was badly timed illness_, Kakashi thought, as he crossed out 'lynching' and 'accident' from the list of possible reasons behind Irene's disability. Then he put two items on his mental checklist: _Irene has head plugs. Learn more about e-brain Death Syndrome._

As for Iruka, he broke his formal mask and let the compassion leak through. "…It must have been a hard time."

"I wasn't expected to live," Irene confirmed. "But by the grace of God I didn't die. I even recovered without losing any major faculties."

Kakashi shifted his glance to Irene's immobile legs for a brief moment. Irene noticed the shift and smiled.

"My job requires me to keep my butt in a chair all day, so being wheelchair bound is only an added bonus," Irene said. Then she brandished a skinny arm. "I can still bully preteens and teenagers around! You can't do that without your major faculties, you know!"

_Does nothing faze this woman?_ Kakashi wondered in mild amazement. One would expect _some_ bitterness from a person as active as Irene, but her cheer felt quite genuine. Then Kakashi remembered Naruto's 'shit-may-defeat-the-rest-of-humanity-but-it-can't-defeat-me! MWAHAHAHAHA!' attitude, and decided either Naruto got it from Irene, or Irene got it from Naruto. Either way, Irene seemed to have it as well.

Consequently, Kakashi didn't feel like sticking his foot down his throat when he posed a question of his own. "Did you get to see anything during the incident?"

"I regained consciousness right after I was taken hostage." Irene grinned. "_Awesome_ timing, don't you think?"

Kakashi personally didn't think so. "Can you tell us what happened?"

"Sure," Irene said easily. She took a swig from her coffee mug before she started:

"I noticed four things when I woke up: One, I couldn't hear the beeping from my life support monitors. Two, there was a white-haired Konoha ninja huddled in a corner with Naruto tucked under his left arm. Three, Naruto was barely hanging in there, he looked so down and defeated. Four, there were bullet holes the size of hubcaps on either side of the white haired guy. So I came to the obvious conclusion: The hospital is under siege and my baby's in danger!"

Kakashi nodded. _Good train of thought for someone who just came out of a coma. _

"As soon as I could get my throat working, I spoke to the white-haired guy," Irene continued. "Well, _he_ didn't look like he was going to talk to someone obviously more than three quarters dead, but then Naruto perked up and started blabbering something about forbidden scrolls and tricks and moronism. So I looked around and lo: one freakin' huge scroll. I assumed the scroll was what the white-haired guy wanted so badly that he came all the way to Niiminjin and took Naruto hostage." Irene chuckled. "For some reason it never occurred to me I was a hostage too. It must have been the coma."

_If your brain can function that well right after recovering from a _coma_, I can't imagine how well your brain can function under normal circumstances,_ Kakashi thought to himself. Meanwhile, Irene went on:

"I started negotiating with the white-haired guy under the assumption he was after the info inside the scroll, not the scroll itself. Turned out I was right: he didn't care what happened to the scroll as long as he could get its contents. I told him I'd disable the hospital's security system— the reason why our snipers can shoot him without a visual— and import the scroll's contents to floppy disks, in exchange for putting all the ICU patients back on life support. The guy agreed after I showed him I could at least do the latter. So there I was, reading a scroll I couldn't understand, hooked up to the e-brain network against medical advice and common sense, and pretending to disable the hospital's security system while feeding the police info."

_So she _did_ read the scroll. And since she has head plugs, I assume she still remembers what's written in it._ "What happened afterwards?" Kakashi asked.

"I told the police that I'd try to make our hostage taker release Naruto," Irene said. "The police didn't want me to do anything, but since they didn't have any better ideas, I went ahead and filled Naruto's spare floppy with an unreasonably large file. Then I told the white-haired guy to send Naruto to the computer room to find more disks. Unfortunately, he was too smart for that, and ordered me to do a better job. That was when I felt God tap me on the head and tell me I should tell the police we need a combat specialist from Konoha. So I did that, and waited for more Konoha ninja to show up."

Irene made a curious expression here, like she didn't know what to make of her experience or how to express it. Meanwhile, Kakashi dwelled on a moment of curiosity on his own: _What's up with her 'God' comments?_

"I waited twelve hours and no one came," Irene eventually said. "I waited another ten hours, and still no change." She laughed. "I remember lying in bed, faking a coma, and thinking: we're all gonna to _die_."

_I'm surprised she didn't die. _Kakashi thought with exasperation. _Niiminjin's overly-armed civilian police didn't know what the feck they were doing, no one from Konoha except Iruka picked up Naruto's trail _twenty two hours _after the theft, and meanwhile an _ICU patient _is trying to save everyone._ Kakashi looked at Iruka. Iruka rolled his eyes in response. _Jurisdiction crap on top of that, too? Oh, for the love of all things good…_

While Kakashi despaired over Konoha and Niiminjin's respective futures, Irene watched their wordless exchange. Then she studied Iruka. Something must have clicked, because she pointed a finger of recognition at him.

"You, you were the guy in the Speedo!"

Kakashi stared at Irene. "…_Speedo_?"

Irene stalled what looked like a Niiminjin-style 'Thank You' to elaborate on the Speedo part: "Right after I finished reading the scroll, this guy in a Speedo walked into the ICU. When I realized he was from Konoha, I was so relieved I just passed out right there and then!"

Kakashi felt his right eyeball do a spasm. _YAAARRRUUGGHHH! _WHY?_! WHY DID YOU PASS OUT!_?

On the other side of the café table, Irene was hugging Iruka.

"Why didn't you tell me it was you? I've been meaning to thank you for the last three years!"

Of course, Iruka didn't say anything and just attempted facial spontaneous combustion (and failed).

After a period of expressive (and, in Kakashi's opinion, excessive) demonstrations of gratitude that would have driven a person with quasi-Haphephobia to insanity, Irene let Iruka go. In turn, Iruka stopped trying to burn himself to death, and inflict those in his vicinity with the Umino Effect, which, Kakashi noticed, didn't seem to affect Irene all that much.

_Just _what_ gives you built-in immunity against the Influence!_? Kakashi howled to himself, while Iruka tried to recover his composure and get back on topic.

"Eh, ahem," Iruka cleared his throat, still very much red faced. "What was your impression of Naruto right after the incident?"

"Do impressions made three weeks after the event count?" Irene asked.

Iruka nodded. "Yes."

"Okay," Irene seemed to collect her thoughts. "Naruto couldn't visit me for three weeks because I had to go through surgery and rehabilitation and all that. When he did come to visit, I noticed he was quiet; not talking all that much, just mentioning he had to live in Konoha from now on and such. Then out of blue, he says: 'Mom, can you give me an e-brain?', so I asked him: 'Why do you want an e-brain?' "

Irene paused. The air around her held a nameless sorrow that couldn't be described in words.

"He said … 'I don't want to be an idiot anymore.' "

A short silence befell their small corner in the coffee shop.

"I guess it really ate at him, not being able to catch on with the guy's plot before it was almost too late," Irene said at length. "The guy calling him a weak idiot certainly didn't help."

Another pause.

Then Irene sighed, and started shifting her coffee mug between her hands.

"You know… I always wondered if I should have pressured Naruto into transferring out of the Ninja Academy," Irene said. "He couldn't tell me anything, what with Konoha's security measures and all that, but how can a kid less than a decade old hide everything, especially when things aren't working out?" A pause "Before the incident, I wondered if Naruto was having transition problems or culture shock or peer-problems. After the incident, I started wondering if there was something _specific_ about Naruto that makes Konoha as a whole disapprove of his presence in particular."

Then she looked up and waved her hands about.

"I don't think you two are like that! The same goes to Gai-sensei and General Sarutobi!" she assured them.

Despite Irene's assurances, Kakashi could still smell the guilt radiating from Iruka. _If _you_ feel like you must bear guilt, then what about the rest of us?_

"May I ask you a question?" said Irene.

Iruka didn't look like he was about to talk, so Kakashi answered for him. "Go ahead."

"At one point, the white haired guy said to Naruto, 'because _you_ are the Kyuubi no Yoko!' " Irene said. "Now, I was rather groggy at that time, and I'm not very knowledgeable at Konoha vernacular, but am I right in thinking the 'Kyuubi no Yoko' he was talking about was the Big … Fox … _Thing_ … from thirteen years ago?"

…_Big Fox Thing, she says. _Kakashi gave a sideways look at Iruka. Iruka did the same. Together they had a moment of silent and contained panic.

Then Kakashi decided Irene was only trying to confirm her well-reasoned suspicions. In that case, there was no point in trying to deny or hide anything when it would only drop their trustworthiness.

Therefore Kakashi said: "…Yes."

As expected, Irene didn't look surprised when Kakashi confirmed her suspicions. _Contrary_ to their expectations, she didn't look horrified either. Instead she looked puzzled, judging from the way she kept tilting her head left and right, and scratching her temple.

"I don't get it," she said eventually. "I understand that it was meant to be an insult of the highest order, but he said it like he was telling the truth. In any other case, I would have just written him off as a superstitious bastard, but what happened _after_ the 'revelation' stops me: 'Didn't you think it was odd how everyone hated you?' When he said that, Naruto just … stared at him. And he didn't—he didn't deny anything."

Irene looked them in the eyes.

"Is it true?" she asked. "Konoha as a whole—no, the vast majority of people in Konoha—hate him?"

No one answered. But Irene interpreted their silence correctly.

"I see," she said. "It's starting to make sense…"

A pause,

"…but there is something I still can't grasp," Irene said, a small frown wrinkling the spot between her eyebrows. "The way I see it, a staggering proportion of your villagers believes Naruto is an incarnation of a demon Fox. Now, validity of reincarnation aside, why do so many people in Konoha hold onto that belief?"

Kakashi debated over saying 'Sorry, we can't tell you', but ultimately decided against it. Irene already knew of the existence of the Fox and (most likely) Konoha's battle against it. For someone of Irene's brain-caliber, it wouldn't be too hard to examine the few available clues and reach the right conclusion.

But that, of course, didn't mean Kakashi had to spill his guts and have his ass handed over.

"The Yondaime Hokage took Naruto that night, right after he was born. I can say that much."

Irene blinked a couple of times. Then she nodded. "…I see."

Irene looked down at her coffee mug. The small frown was still there, but Kakashi couldn't detect any surge of horror or fear. _Either she can't wrap her mind around the implications or she's trying to imagine all of them._

"I give up," Irene finally said. "I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my mind around the idea that a human being, through his own power, sealed a demon inside a newborn baby."

_No, I didn't think you could. And I suppose handing over your soul to the Death God in order to receive the power to lock up the Fox into Naruto isn't exactly 'through your own strength'._

"And even if I _assume_ that such things are possible, I still can't fit that idea into what I saw that night," Irene said.

_Hold it. She saw the battle?_ "You were in Konoha that night?"

Irene nodded. "I was in Konoha from September 19th to October 12th that year, to give my testimony against Orochimaru's prenatal genetic experiments."

Kakashi knew about those prenatal experimentations. It was known among the ANBU as one of the more heinous human-genetic experiments orchestrated by Orochimaru, and the Sannin's publicly known crimes were heinous enough already. But what made this case stand out in particular was that Orochimaru had been doing it for more than _four years_, and Konoha had no inkling until an unexpected tip brought the whole thing to light. Apparently, Irene provided that unexpected tip. It was also possible that what she witnessed that day turned her hair white.

_It looks like your life has been as interesting as mine. But I won't call you on that. _"I see. So what did you see when the Fox attacked?"

Irene placed her forefinger on her chin in a thoughtful manner.

"I was at the administration building when the war bell rang. While I headed towards the shelter with everyone else, I saw huge _… tails_ … from the southern end. That was when Vivian, who was with me at the time, started running_ towards _the tails and ordered me to go without her." Irene rolled her eyes. "You know, whenever I remember moments like these, I wonder if Vivi was born without fear or common sense."

Iruka and Kakashi nodded fervently.

"Anyway, because I was a Godless and rebellious youth, I ran after her," Irene said. "That's how I got to see a _Fox _about a hundred meters high and an equally large _Toad_ in all their supernatural glory. The sight pretty much took away whatever melanin I had left after seeing Orochimaru's experiments. I've been prematurely white every since."

Another moment of deep sympathy shared.

"But here's the _really_ important part," Irene said, as she leaned into their café table. "I looked up a second time while chasing after Vivi. That's when I saw the Fox rampaging in one spot, like it was caught by the neck and it was trying to get away. Then, all of a sudden, the earth starts _shaking_, and the mountain ranges start _crumbling_. Then the heavens _spilt apart_ and, in the middle of the chasm, fire and smoke start _pouring down_." (Irene made big downward sweeping gesture.) "And there was the giant Toad and Fox _turning_ their faces away from the light and cowering in fear!"

Irene paused. Kakashi took an anticipatory breath, despite the fact he knew the story, been part of the story, lived through the whole thing, and therefore knew what Irene was going to say next: _A shockwave sweeping through the forests and beyond; the poisonous miasma-like Chakra of the fox vanishing in its wake; a tingling in the air that wasn't quite Chakra, wasn't quite static, but a presence so incredible it couldn't be described in words… _

"Then BANG!" Irene struck the table. "I ran into a tree and passed out!"

…

…

…

…_WHAT'S UP WITH THIS WOMAN AND PASSING OUT AT THE MOST CRUCIAL MOMENTS!_?

While Kakashi screamed and ranted inside his head, Iruka stopped choking on thin air.

"_Excuse me_," he wheezed out, sounding as winded from the let down as Kakashi.

But Irene wasn't done yet:

"The thing you need to know is, I survived the ordeal _because _I passed out," she said, very seriously. "You know there used to be a huge crater centered at the place where the shockwave started? Well, the tree I ran into was one of the front most trees that escaped the destruction radius. If I had moved two more steps, I would have been like Yondaime, who died with his eyes open and his pupils burned away."

…_What!_? Kakashi's attention came back to Irene's narrative, kicking and screaming.

Very few people had gotten to see Yondaime right after he died, and those very few people never told anyone else about it. Kakashi didn't know who came first, but by the time he arrived at the scene, Sandaime and an ANBU unit were already there, a white haired and barefooted kid was holding Naruto, and Vivian—_I never saw her hair unveiled until that day_— was kneeling beside his sensei and closing his pupil-less eyes.

_Irene was the white-haired kid,_ Kakashi suddenly realized. _She's the one who took Naruto to Niiminjin…_

On the other side of the table, oblivious to Kakashi's realizations, Irene concluded her narrative:

"Now, I don't know anything about ninjutsu," she stated. "I don't know what ninjas are capable of, and I probably never will. But I _do _know that the simultaneous occurrence of an earthquake, splitting of heaven and raining of smoke and fire is a _classic_ example of the God of our tradition coming down to earth saying: 'I AM'."

00000

The rest of the interview progressed with Irene and Iruka having a deep theological discussion on Niiminjin's major religion, while Kakashi quietly sorted through all the facts.

_It's funny how this woman keeps getting involved with Konoha_, Kakashi thought as he watched Irene talk. _She of all people sniffs up Orochimaru's activities, and then she ends up bringing up Naruto. And once I show her illusion breaker to the ANBU, she'll be right back in…_

Kakashi was contemplating the existence of Fate or God's hand (concepts he didn't like to delve too deeply into) in all this, when a phone rang.

"Excuse me," Irene said, reaching into her coat. She smiled at the little characters written on the screen of her mobile phone before putting it on her ear. No sooner did she do that that Naruto's voice shrieked:

"_MOM_! Mom we're in trouble! This guy who looked like a gay pirate attacked us and he gave Sasuke a weird looking hickey it looks bad _we need help right now_!"

Irene raised her eyebrows at the run on sentences. "Where are you?"

"The Forest of Death!"

The muscle beneath Irene's left eye did a small spasm. "And why are you there without your teacher?"

"We're taking a test where we're supposed to steal a scroll from other teams and go to a tower we were doing fine until the gay pirate attacked us but he wasn't really after our scroll I dunno it was weird!"

Irene slowly shifted her gaze to Kakashi. Kakashi felt terror run down his spine as soon as he noticed the mommy-instincts radiating out from her skinny body.

"…You sent my baby to participate in a _Battle Royal_ and _you're not there with him?_"

While Kakashi tried not to cower before the mommy in a wheelchair, Naruto continued to shout:

"Mom can you contact Kakashi-sensei or Iruka-sensei or if you really can't help it Gai-sensei 'cause our situation is _really _bad my Chakra's been acting funky since the gay pirate did something to my stomach—"

"Yes, I'll do that," Irene said, interrupting Naruto's third bout of run on sentences. "Now before you hang up, can I get a picture of this gay pirate?"

"OKAY!"

Irene removed her mobile phone from her ear, and held it so that the inner screen was facing upwards. After another series of beeps, the phone informed her that a picture arrived.

Irene pressed a few buttons. A small photo showed up on the mobile phone's small screen.

The 'Gay Pirate', as Naruto called him, had long black hair, sunken cheeks, face as white as a blood-washed corpse, and was wearing purple eyeliner.

Kakashi stared at the picture. Irene stared at it too. Iruka already had his jaw on the table.

"OROCHIMARU!"

00000  
TBC  
00000


	18. Crossroads I

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Crossroads I  
00000

Half a second after he saw Orochimaru's most recent picture, Kakashi released his slouch and sat straighter. The ever-present hollow in his chest spread through his entire body. His heart chilled into inflexible Cold Iron. The echoes in the back of his head were completely silenced, while the shinobi in his mind switched his brain to high-gear and started weighing his options.

"Airin-san, how long do you think we'd be able to contact Naruto via mobile phone?" Kakashi asked.

"Since Naruto always carries an emergency fuel cell battery, for the next two weeks," Irene answered.

"So we should be able to contact him for the next four days."

"Yes."

Kakashi chewed through the situation again. Irene and Iruka remained quiet while he thought things through.

"Iruka, alert Sandaime of the situation," said Kakashi at length. "I'll stay here and monitor the kids. I don't think Orochimaru would attack them in person again, but I can't rule out proxy attacks."

"_Yosh_," Iruka said as he stood up.

Iruka was preparing himself to leave, but Irene stopped him.

"Take this with you," she said, holding up her mobile phone. "You can contact us through this number."

Irene wrote down the number on a napkin and gave to Iruka. Iruka took the napkin, but just eyed the phone dubiously. Irene took the hint and showed Iruka how to use it.

"Press the right numbers on the keypad, and then press the button that has green letters," Irene said, pointing out the keypad and button in question. "When you're done, just flip the top down. Flip it up and do step one to make a call. If the phone rings, flip the top up to answer."

Iruka teleported away as soon as he demonstrated his new found ability to call someone with a Niiminjin mobile phone. All the customers in the coffee shop gawked at the lingering smoke for a long time, before they reached for their own mobile phones in a sudden rush to tell everyone and their mom about the event.

While the customers spread rumors, Kakashi and Irene continued to act according to the emergency situation.

"I have equipment that can search for and monitor Naruto's position in my office," Irene said. "If we're lucky, we might even be able to get a live video feed of Naruto and his friends."

"Excellent," said Kakashi. "Let's go, then."

Kakashi stood up. Then he paused and eyed Irene and her wheelchair.

"I don't suppose you can make that wheelchair run faster."

Irene shook her head. "This chair has one speed only."

"And, no offense, you can't run."

"I _can_, at five steps a minute. But that's not acceptable now, is it?"

"No." Kakashi sighed. "Then I have no choice. I must kidnap you without your wheelchair."

Irene's lips quirked upward after the statement. "I understand. Do what you must."

Thus relieved from moral scruples, Kakashi hauled Irene out of her wheelchair, draped her unresisting body over left his shoulder, and ran out of the coffee shop before anyone could stop him.

"There's going to be headlines saying '_Konoha Ninja Kidnaps Woman in Wheelchair_' before we reach the campus, I just know it," Irene mumbled, while Kakashi jumped from rooftop to rooftop, ninja-style.

"No newspaper is that fast," Kakashi said.

"Who said I was talking about news_papers_?" Irene retorted. Then she sighed heavily. "Whatever; I'll just let you be baptized through fire."

Kakashi entered the elevator building in five minutes. Once they reached the second underground level, Kakashi piggybacked Irene instead of hauling her around on his shoulder like a bag of rice. He ran at top speed too, just to make sure no one would notice what he was (apparently) doing and try to be helpful.

Kakashi's race to Irene's office progressed in comparative anonymity until they arrived at their destination. Two dark-skinned men were in the hallway just beyond Irene's office door, and stared at Kakashi and Irene with their jaws hanging open.

"I heard from the students you've been kidnapped, Dr. Lee!" exclaimed the older and skinner one.

"No, Dr. Vispute, I've not been kidnapped. I'm in the process of _being_ kidnapped," Irene answered calmly, while Kakashi worked on Irene's locked office door.

Irene's calm did nothing to reassure her colleagues, however.

"Shall I call the police?" asked the younger and stouter one.

"I already did that, Shiva, but thanks anyway," said Irene. "Speaking of which, can you do me a favor? My wheelchair is still in C+ Plus Café. Can you get it for me?"

"Okay—"

Kakashi picked the lock and opened the office door.

"Thank youuuuu!" Irene called out as Kakashi marched inside, carrying her with him. Then Kakashi closed the door.

As soon as Kakashi dumped Irene into a chair, and pushed said chair behind Irene's trinket-and-gadget-littered desk, Irene started working and Kakashi started shooting questions.

"News here travels fast," Kakashi admitted and, by implication, asking if this would cause a problem.

"In this town 'Word of Mouth' travels at light speed," Irene said, as she simultaneously turned on two monitors with her hands and fired up the computer tower beneath her desk with the toe end of her right foot. "But there is a window of fifteen minutes before the Major News sources start sniffing things up. We still have time."

"Will it be enough?" Kakashi asked.

"More than enough," Irene said, as she typed on a keyboard left-handed and plugged two thick cables between the computer and her head right-handed. "Give me eighty six seconds."

Kakashi counted down the seconds after Irene assumed a familiar dosing pose. Kakashi had no idea what she was doing, but on one of the monitors he could see a circular progression graph of sorts, and on the other monitor, a bar graph which bars bobbed left and right like the tone charts of a sound system.

At eighty three seconds, the monitor that had a bar graph displayed another box that proclaimed 'Success' with an irritatingly cheerful bell noise. Irene opened her eyes with a sigh. Then she started to explain:

"This one is running a Press Barrier," Irene said, pointing at the monitor displaying the 'Success' box. "In Niiminjin, News is legally _reliable_ and _quotable_ if, and _only_ if, it can be traced back to the primary source—which in this case would be me or you. News is legally _reliable _if it can be verified by a recognized second party, which in this case would be public security or the police. Since neither of us is going to talk, all we need to do is stop the press from using backdoors to talk to public security. This program makes sure no one with press credentials can contact the secondary sources except through official means."

"And since there is no _official_ investigation of your kidnapping, Niiminjin law enforcement can't say anything because of privacy laws," Kakashi deduced.

"Yes."

"What about the witnesses?"

"They don't count, not in this case," said Irene. "For any event that happened in Niiminjin, the words of a witness—even an eyewitness—is not enough to make news reliable, let alone quotable. And Niiminjin's major news sources live upon their reputation to report reliable news; they're not going to risk that."

Kakashi thought about it. "Did the profusion of commercial and noncommercial illusions bring forth that law?"

"You're a sharp one, aren't you?" Irene smiled. "And yes, the illusions are the reason behind that law."

"Wouldn't the _un_reliable sources cause damage?" Kakashi asked.

"They would cause some damage, but I doubt they'd cause _significant_ damage," said Irene. "Most people here only listen to the major News sources. The rest, most of them are no different from your average tabloid reader."

"There's still going to rumors."

Irene flapped her hand dismissively. "The news is going to break out one way or another. Right now, it's more important that you won't get hounded by our police until Konoha issues a formal statement or Naruto gets out of the 'Forest of Death'."

Kakashi didn't think Niiminjin's law enforcement would give him a good hounding for the next hundred years, but he let it slide for the sake of the latter assessment.

"How is that going?" asked Kakashi, meaning Irene's trace to find Naruto.

"Everything is set up on my end. I'm just waiting for Naruto to respond."

"How is it being done?"

Irene pointed out the small black box on top of the first monitor. "This is a web cam. This is what it can do and what Naruto would be able to see."

She typed a few words on the keyboard. A new box popped up. Inside the box were mirror images of Kakashi and Irene that mirrored their actions and surroundings.

"…Amazing," Kakashi said, while waving his right hand and watching his mirror image do the same with it's left hand.

Irene smiled. "Naruto has a mobile phone and PDA that has web cam service. We already confirmed Naruto is carrying his mobile phone and he can call us just fine. So we should be able to see and talk to him real time."

The irritatingly cheerful bell noise from earlier rang again.

"Speak of the devil…" Irene said in a sing-song tone. As soon as she finished talking, a third box showing Naruto and Sakura appeared on the screen. Both Genin looked filthy, battered, and in Sakura's case, was smeared with tears and snot.

"**Kakashi-sensei!**" cried out Sakura.

Kakashi had no trouble imagining Sakura wanting to bury her dirty face into his flack jacket. "Yo."

"They can't hear you," Irene told him helpfully. She handed over a headset. "Wear this."

Kakashi wore the headset and repeated his earlier greeting. "Yo."

It took a second for Sakura to respond.

"**What do you mean, **_**'Yo'!**_**? We're in trouble!**" Sakura said, almost petulantly.

"So I've heard," said Kakashi. "Let me take a look at Sasuke's new mark."

Naruto reached out to pick up whatever device was running the web cam. The image inside the box blurred while Naruto (presumably) moved towards Sasuke. A few seconds later the screen regained focus, and Kakashi had a clear view of Sasuke's neck.

No doubt about it, the three swirl markings on the joint between Sasuke's neck and left shoulder was the Curse Seal.

"How long has it been since he got it?" Kakashi asked.

"**About thirty minutes**," said Naruto.

Kakashi constructed a rough timeline from how long it took him to get to Irene's office and the time Naruto called Irene. From the timeline, he figured Naruto and Sakura carried Sasuke to a different location, and then called Irene. He also assumed his team was in a defensible position.

Now he needed to know his team's—Naruto's— liabilities.

"What do you have in your arsenal?" Kakashi asked.

"**Three standard Ninja kits, a PDA with GPS and web cam, a mobile phone with web cam and digital video/camera, two paint guns, six clips of paint bullets, infrared binoculars, GPS trackers, and a fuel cell battery. Oh, and my e-brain**," Naruto answered.

Kakashi looked at Irene.

"GPS is the device that lets me track Naruto dynamically," Irene explained quickly. "It works even in places where compasses go haywire. Weather doesn't affect it either. A paint gun is a non-lethal, long-range weapon. Infrared binoculars let you see in the dark."

While Kakashi digested that, Irene took the microphone on her desk and started talking.

"Naruto, use your mobile phone for web cam and set up your PDA so I can get your GPS signals."

"**I'm already using my phone for web cam.**"

"Good. Then all you have to do is the latter. I'll send you a satellite map of your position once you're done."

"**We already have a satellite map of the Forest of Death,**" Naruto said.

"**We used that and the infrared binoculars to steal Scrolls away from other teams**," Sakura explained.

Irene sighed. "You asked David or Susan for help again, didn't you? Oh well. I'll call you on that later. Just keep your GPS and web cam on."

"…**Hai!**"

Kakashi covered the microphone on his headset. "Looks like they don't really need my help," he commented.

"Don't be silly. They're only this calm because you're watching them," Irene chided.

For the next five minutes, Naruto worked on his PDA. Sakura sat between him and Sasuke. The way she kept chewing her lower lip and her shoulders hunched told Kakashi that she was anxious and worried and guilty all at once. While Kakashi could understand why she would be anxious and worried, he couldn't imagine why she was feeling guilty.

Then Kakashi remembered something important.

"Naruto."

"**What?**" Naruto said without looking up.

"What did Orochimaru do to you?"

Naruto looked up from his PDA reluctantly.

"…**Dunno,**" He said. Then he shrugged. "**Here, lemme show it to you**."

Naruto took off his mini-flack jacket and lifted up his shirt. For a moment, all Kakashi could see was Naruto's stomach. Then the black markings of the double seal imprisoning the Kyuubi showed up, as well as something Kakashi didn't expect to see: the _Gogyou Fuuin_ (Five Elements Seal).

Kakashi studied the two sets of seals. The _Gogyuo Fuuin_ was in an awkward position: rather than surrounding the double seal, it was placed half-way down, just below Naruto's belly button and inner seal. Kakashi figured Orochimaru tried to put the _Gogyou Fuuin_ around the double seal to prevent Naruto from accessing the Kyuubi's Chakra, but Naruto dodged at the last minute.

At any rate, he'd have to deal with the _Gogyuo Fuuin_ later. Right now, he had to make sure his Genin would survive the Forest of Death.

"Are you done setting up your PDA, Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"**Not yet!**" Naruto said. He flicked his finger at his PDA a few times. "**Damnit, I keep getting a busy signal!**" He looked up. "**Kakashi-sensei, can you stay there and talk to Sakura-chan for a minute? I need to move!**"

"He's lying," Irene said. "I got his GPS signal two minutes ago. He just wants you to talk to Sakura in private."

Kakashi figured that was the case; Naruto always raised his voice when he lied.

"Fine," said Kakashi. "Get back as soon as you can."

"**Okay!**"

Naruto stood up and moved away from the web cam. Sakura stayed where she was, shoulders hunched and looking thoroughly miserable and guilty.

Kakashi waited a few seconds to make his question sound more apropos to Sakura's current state and less associated with Naruto's concern.

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked.

Sakura looked away. "**…Nothing.**"

"This is not the time to hide anything from your team, Sakura," Kakashi admonished. "Speak up."

Sakura sucked in her lower lip and wept fresh tears. After a few minutes of dithering and crying, Sakura opened her mouth.

"**Orochimaru … after he knocked out Sasuke-kun and did something to Naruto… said 'I now have the last survivor of the Uchiha within my grasp, and an unexpected fortune: the only child of Nienna Vivian. But only one I can take. Whom should I choose?' **"

Sakura was crying openly now, and she wasn't even trying to stop.

"…**Then he looked at me and said: 'I'll take the one you'll leave behind. Make your choice, girl.' **"

Kakashi didn't want to know what kind of choice Sakura made. She couldn't have made a good one if she was breaking down like this.

"Okay, that's enough," he said.

"**I didn't mean to! I didn't want to! I didn't! I **_**didn't**_**!**" Sakura wailed.

"That's enough," Kakashi repeated. "It's all right. Everyone is still alive. And if you break down now, you can never make up for it."

Sakura sniffled and leaked a few more tears.

"Things probably would have turned out the same way, one way or another," said Irene. She was very gentle and calming, as only a loving mother could be. "I mean this in the best way possible. You're only thirteen; Orochimaru's battle experience is three times the years you've lived. And yet you impressed him enough to give you a 'choice' of sorts. Speaking of choice, the snake bastard loves messing up people's heads. Trust me, I know."

That seemed to cheer up Sakura a little bit, but she still looked uncertain and miserable. And she was still crying.

"**But Naruto saw everything—**" she said.

"He's worried about you," Irene said, cutting her off. "I know Naruto. I knew him since he was very small. And I can tell you he's not one to carry a grudge. He probably forgot about it already."

"**But…!**" Sakura persisted.

Irene shook her head. "You are forgiven. You don't have to fear him anymore."

Finally Sakura stopped crying and started wiping her tears away. Naruto didn't come back immediately afterwards, but waited until she fully composed herself.

That was when the hitherto silent echoes in the back of Kakashi's mind spoke up:

_Where would I have been without these people_?

00000

After Naruto came back, Irene said something that generated a barrage of questions and comments.

"Now listen: In order to prevent the worst affects of the Nasty Seal from happening, Sasuke needs to be treated within eight hours."

"How do you know that?" Kakashi asked.

"**You know how to take care of Sasuke-kun?**"

"… **Mom, don't tell me you made the Hickey Jutsu.**"

"I developed the underlying theory and mechanism behind the Nasty Seal fifteen years ago," Irene said. "So yes, I know how to treat Sasuke. And no, I didn't make the Hickey Jutsu. _That_ honor goes to Orochimaru."

"You developed it _fifteen_ years ago?" Kakashi said, eye wide. "How old are you now?"

"**So Sasuke-kun will all right?**"

"**Mom, did you really name your theory the 'Nasty Seal' Theory?**"

"Twenty seven; no he won't be 'all right', but he'll be as well as you'd expect under the circumstances; and _yes_ I did name the theory the 'Nasty Seal' Theory—it's certainly better than _Hickey_ Jutsu Theory," Irene answered.

"So you were twelve when you made it… Wait, if _you_ developed it, how did Orochimaru get to know?"

"_**Really?!**_"

"**You and your naming sense, Mom…**"

"I developed it under Orochimaru's supervision," Irene said. Then she threw her hands up. "Look, I really don't want to think about that time. In fact, I want to punch myself in the nose every time I remember what I did. But if you really can't believe I know what I'm talking about, at least remember the kids need to get out that stinking Forest of Death as quickly as possible!"

As a fellow genius born without much luck, and someone who wanted to do more self-harm than just punching himself in the nose whenever he remembered his thirteen year-old self, Kakashi could really understand where this woman was coming from.

"I believe you," he said. "But these are the facts: Naruto and Sakura are too far away from the tower, which is the closest refuge. With Sasuke knocked out, it's going to take them at least twelve hours to reach the tower. And that's if no one attacks them in the middle. On top of that, this test is to last _five days_, and no one is going to save them before the five days are up."

"…_What kind of Battle Royal is this!_?" Irene half screamed. Then she rounded up on Kakashi. "Can't you just go to the forest and get them out?"

Kakashi shook his head. "I could, but the time problem still remains. You need help to move all the necessary equipment to Konoha, don't you?"

Irene chewed her lip. "You're right. Without you helping me, it's going to take me five hours to prepare the stuff, and another four just to move everything to Konoha." She clutched her head. "What should we do…"

That was when Naruto piped up.

"**Don't worry about us, Mom! I have plan!**"

Kakashi felt a chill run down his spine. The color of Irene's face attempted to match her hair.

"That does not make me feel better, Uzumaki Naruto," Irene managed to say, very sternly.

"**But it's a really good plan!**" Naruto protested.

"Oh yeah…and what happened the last time you had a '_Good Plan_'?"

"_**Can't you at least hear out my plan?!**_" Naruto all but shouted.

"Fair enough," Kakashi conceded. "What is it?"

They heard Naruto clear his throat.

"**We'll make an alliance with another team!**"

"Alliance?" Kakashi repeated.

Naruto nodded his head vigorously.

"**Like you said, we can't reach the tower on time while carrying Sasuke. But if we had two or three more people helping us, it just might be possible. Luckily, Lee's team is taking the exams too, and they passed the Cheating Exam. We'll ask them.**"

Kakashi thought about it. While Naruto's strategic planning skills needed more work, he knew from embarrassing experience how good Naruto was at bargaining and making people do what he wanted. He also remembered how Lee was out to follow Gai's example, and how the kid professed his undying love to Sakura.

"…This just might work," Kakashi concluded. "Airin-san, would you be able to trace Lee?"

"That's no problem," Irene said. "As long as he has an e-brain, he's traceable."

"Good," Kakashi looked back at the screen. "You have my blessings. Go!"

Naruto pumped up his fist, "**Ossu!**"

00000  
TBC  
00000


	19. Crossroads II

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Crossroads II  
00000

In the case of locating Team Gai, Irene didn't have to resort to criminal activities because Naruto and Sakura already knew how to find Team Gai. As a matter of fact, they knew how to find _seventeen_ different Genin Teams, Team Gai being one of them.

When Naruto first told them this, both Kakashi and Irene told him to stop lying. Before Naruto exploded, Sakura punched him out and explained:

The first thing Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura did after the second test started, was sit down and discuss _how_ they were going to get the necessary scroll. One of the plans they devised and implemented was as follows: Naruto would continuously create a pair of _Kage Bunshin_ clones and transform them into various species of forest vermin. The two transformed clones would then go looking for other teams. Whenever a team was discovered, one of the clones would dispel and thus alert Naruto, while the other clone followed the team around looking for an opportunity to steal the team's scroll, or stick a GPS tracker (a specially made sticker that generated a GPS signal) on someone. If a clone managed to steal a test scroll, it would immediately send it to Naruto using a weapon summoning/banishing scroll, and then bamph itself out.

Now, the plan itself was undeniably effective: in less than three hours, Team Kakashi found twenty teams, tagged seventeen of them, and obtained eleven scrolls. It was when they decided to sit down and wait until the last Naruto-clone got a scroll that they screwed up.

"You were supposed to _move on _as soon as you fulfilled the requirements," Kakashi admonished.

Sakura and Naruto flinched. Then they bowed their heads and hunched their shoulders in a way that made them look like a couple of puppies locked out of the house.

…Kakashi decided to leave the scolding at that. Except for that one mistake, his team did an exceptional job. Moreover, the Genin just weathered an attack by Orochimaru. They didn't need another blow to their sanity, even if it looked like they were holding up well. The fact that the two looked unspeakably cute had NOTHING to with it.

Really.

As for Irene, she had other concerns.

"_Where_ did you get all those GPS trackers?" She demanded.

Naruto squeaked, blathering: '_Oh Lee's moving away we need to go after him I'll call you back later okay bye_' and ended the web cam.

For a while, Irene just sat there, trying to incinerate her computer monitor with her eyes.

"…Is he not _supposed_ to have the trackers?" Kakashi eventually asked.

"Only police officers and public security officials are allowed to have them," Irene said, still fuming and glaring spitfire. "I bet Hiruma swiped them from work."

"He probably did," Kakashi agreed.

Irene scowled for a few more seconds. Then she sighed. "Okay. So they know how to take care of that problem. That's good. As for me, I still have to prepare for Sasuke's treatment."

"What do you need?"

"My laptop," said Irene, as she scratched her right temple in a preoccupied manner. "My PDA, some MM solution, acupuncture needles—"

"We have acupuncture needles."

"I'm not talking about the traditional kind," said Irene, still looking preoccupied. "I should bring my surgery kit too…"

Irene suddenly turned around and studied Kakashi in a critical manner. It made Kakashi feel like he was being inspected like a prized horse. Or bull.

"My surgery kit weighs at least a hundred forty kilograms (300 lbs). Do you think you can manage that and me and fifty kilos of other stuff?" Irene asked.

Kakashi didn't have to ponder too deeply. "No."

Irene blinked once. "Not really macho, are you?"

"No," said Kakashi with dignity, "Just very realistic."

Irene nodded slowly. "Okay then. I'll just ask some of my kids to—"

"No need. I'll ask Gai. He can handle you and all of your stuff and still have some strength left over."

Irene blinked again. "Are you talking about the older … _guy _wearing a green leotard and orange leggings at yesterday's impromptu meeting?"

"Yes."

Irene gave Kakashi a scrutinizing look.

"I think you're up to something," Irene concluded at length.

Kakashi tilted his head like an innocent puppy. "What makes you think so?"

"There's this tick going on next to your right eyeball," Irene said, pointing to the edge her of left eye. "And you're pursing your lips like you're trying not to laugh."

_Man, this woman's observant. _"Are you sure about that?"

"I may be semi-quadriplegic, but there's nothing wrong with my eyes."

"Indeed," Kakashi allowed himself to smile. "But in all honesty, Gai is the best person to take care of the transport. He knows how to get here and he's fast. He'll even take care of the crowd outside your office."

At the mention of a crowd, Irene glared at her office door.

"…A Konoha Ninja indeed," she muttered, "Fine. I'll leave the equipment to him. Just make sure _you _pick up my wheelchair on the way."

"Done," said Kakashi, mentally making a V-sign. "May I use your phone?"

Irene made shooing gestures at her office phone.

"It doesn't work for Konoha numbers. But if you press number 7, you'll reach my mobile."

So Kakashi worked on the phone, while Irene took things out of her desk drawers.

Iruka picked up after the first ring.

"**Hello?**"

"Yo, it's me."

"**Ah, Kakashi-sensei!**" Kakashi could almost _hear_ Iruka smile that deadly smile of his. In fact, if he listened very carefully, he could hear the soft thumps of collapsing people in the background. "**I alerted Sandaime. We're waiting at the Tower as we speak. What about you?**"

"Just finished making contact with my team," Kakashi replied. "They gave me a status report. Orochimaru left a 'gift' on Sasuke, and put a little obstacle on Naruto."

"…**I was afraid you'd say that…**"

"But here's some good news: Airin (Irene) says she knows how to prevent the worst affects of the Curse Seal." Kakashi didn't ask Iruka to verify the trustworthiness of Irene's claim. It would be rude first and foremost, and Iruka should be able to catch the unspoken question whether it was actually voiced or not.

There was a short pause.

"**Then you should bring her over,**" Iruka said. This meant Sandaime cleared Irene. Good.

"I'll do that," Kakashi said. "Speaking of which, can you send Gai over to Irene's office?"

There was another short pause.

"**Kakashi, what are you up to?**" Iruka demanded.

In retrospect, Kakashi should have known Iruka would be able to detect suspicious thoughts even over a phone. "…Nothing. It's just that I can't move two hundred kilograms (440 lbs) worth of equipment and Irene by myself."

"_**Right**_**…**" Iruka still sounded suspicious. "**I'll send a messenger bird right now.**"

"Good, good…"

"**And can you tell Naruto that if he opens the scroll, someone will come and take Sasuke out of the Forest**?"

Kakashi felt the smile leave his face.

"Are you asking me to tell my team to fail on purpose?" Kakashi asked quietly.

"**I didn't say that**," Iruka said defensively. "**And aren't they already disqualified, since they contacted you?**"

There was some talking in the background.

"…**Okay, so they're not**," said Iruka.

"Yet," Kakashi added. "But if I tell them anything _now_, they'd be disqualified, right?"

Kakashi heard someone making a confirming noise from the phone.

"I thought so."

"**Look, treating Sasuke's Curse Seal has the highest priority!**" Iruka burst out in his frustration.

"I know. My team knows that too. That's why they're trying to make it to the tower within eight hours."

"…**That's not very helpful.**"

"You're just assuming that they can't make it."

"_**You're **_**just assuming that they **_**can**_**.**"

"I have a good reason to believe that they can," said Kakashi. "That's all. I'll see you at the tower."

"**BUT—!**"

Kakashi hung up. Then he sighed and looked down at Irene.

Irene was smirking like a cat that ate the cream covered bird.

"You two argue a lot on this subject, don't you?" she said, her eyes dancing with mirth. "You keep shoving the kids towards the deep, while Iruka-san tries not to push them too hard."

_You're just as inconveniently perspective as Naruto._ "Are you done?"

"I still need to get my surgery kit and some MM solution," said Irene. "Unfortunately, both items are not in my office."

Kakashi sighed again. "I guess we have no choice…"

That moment, the sickeningly familiar sound of (what Kakashi later learned to be) gunfire, followed by a cacophony of human screams filtered through the office door. Kakashi and Irene stared at the aforementioned door for awhile, blinking owlishly. Then:

Fuck off, you fucking assholes! I have no fucking time for you!"

More gunfire and more screams, the latter growing softer by the second.

"I'm going to wash that boy's mouth out with _bleach_," Irene muttered.

_Good luck on that._ "Maa, at least the crowd is gone."

Just then the door slammed open, revealing Hiruma and a young giant of a man who had a head shaped like a chestnut. As expected, Hiruma was holding up a couple of his favorite weapons and their ends were smoking.

"…Yoichi, if I told you once, I told you five hundred twenty seven times—" Irene started.

"—do NOT bring guns to school. Yeah, yeah, I know," Hiruma finished.

Irene tapped her fingers on her desk, glaring.

"I'm so sorry! I tried to stop him!" Chestnut-head cried, apparently unable to bear an angry Irene.

"You don't have to apologize, Ryokan, you didn't do anything wrong," Irene said, all warmth and understanding. Then she completely switched gears and looked at Hiruma forbiddingly. "I have urgent business to attend to. So state your business and be brief."

Before the power of Mommy, even Hiruma looked like he doubted the wisdom of voicing smart-ass remarks.

"Jeremy called and told me you needed someone to take you to Konoha as quickly as possible," he said instead.

Irene raised an Eyebrow.

…Hitherto, Kakashi didn't know it was possible for a person to make such an expression, even if one was not born with Gai's eyebrows. But then again, Irene's eyebrows were shaped to form a perpetual frown…

"Did he now…" Irene said in soft and deadly tone.

"Musashi's waiting at his truck," Hiruma bared his teeth into an insane grin that looked oh-so familiar, despite the fact Kakashi had never actually seen it. "I got your surgery kit and five boxes of MM solution too."

Irene raised the _other_ Eyebrow. "'Been eavesdropping on me, haven't you?"

"For a good cause," said Hiruma, his smile as angelic as it was insane. "It saved time, right?"

Irene's returning smile was just as sweet as it was full of promises of Catastrophe. "… Sure."

_I will not say: 'This happens often, doesn't it?' I will not say: 'This happens often, doesn't it?' I will not say—_ "This happens often, doesn't it?" Kakashi said. "Your kids challenging you to a battle of wits, and you fighting right ba—"

Kakashi stopped when Irene aimed her Expression Foretelling Catastrophe at him.

"To _business_," she said firmly.

Kakashi stared at the Eyebrows. "Okay…to business."

00000

'Business' progressed like a well oiled engine after Hiruma, Musashi, and Kurita (Ryokan) entered the picture. Kurita moved everything, including Irene. Hiruma scared away all the obstacles, including humans (_especially_ humans). As for Musashi, he overlooked the hauling, and then operated the automatic steel wagon called 'truck.'

"There's no need to be so tense," Irene said to Kakashi, while the truck headed towards a place Musashi called 'the loading dock'. "Haven't you been in a truck before?"

"Well…" Kakashi tried to sit in a more relaxed slouch while maintaining the Chakra that kept his butt glued to the truck. He failed miserably. So he confessed: "…No."

Irene blinked. Then she laughed.

"Oh my, how unexpected," Irene eyed Kakashi keenly. "So you weren't around during the golden age of Niiminjin-Konoha relations?"

Kakashi didn't want to answer the question. Whatever answer he'd say or not say would give away too much, and Irene figured out too much already. Besides, Kakashi didn't want to think about his life before age sixteen if he could help it.

It was time to direct the conversation elsewhere.

"Perhaps," Kakashi said, hoping he sounded sufficiently cryptic. "What about you?"

"My family immigrated here just before things started to go down the toilet. So I did get to see my parents mingling and befriending Konoha residents when I was very little."

Kakashi remembered seeing Sakumo befriending soldiers from the now-extinct Niiminjin Reserves Force when he was very little too. He didn't tell Irene about that though. Sakumo was another part of Kakashi's life he didn't want to think too deeply about.

Seeing that Irene was about to take control of the conversation again, Kakashi posed a distraction:

"Any calls from Naruto?"

"None since then," Irene twisted her lips into a knowing and rueful smile. "I want to know how they're holding up too. But I suppose it's a good thing that Naruto's not broadcasting his every move."

"Indeed…" said Kakashi. But even if he agreed with the principle, it didn't stop him from wanting to know how Naruto was going to negotiate with Team Gai. Because for this case, a second-hand account just wasn't going to cut it.

It was time to discover more wonders of Niiminjin Technology.

"…But they shouldn't be taking this long, even with Sasuke out," Kakashi eyed Irene. "Is there a way to get their status without Naruto returning the contact?"

"There's a lot of ways, all of which are illegal," Irene answered. "But if we disregard legitimacy, our best option is breaking into Naruto's e-brain, and attempt a retina-to-video streamline."

Kakashi had no idea what Irene was talking about, but the word 'video' sounded promising. And since Kakashi was a shinobi, a method's legitimacy was of no concern. Now, if he could just craft his response so it would sound like he wasn't terribly worried about Naruto's ability to convince Lee as much as he wanted to see how he was going to do it—

"…No wait. Even if I can get a video feed, you won't be able to see it unless I upload it to a computer."

Kakashi still had no idea what Irene was talking about, but this didn't sound good.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you won't be able to see the video until we get to the tower," Irene elaborated in layman.

…

…

…_YOU NEVER FAIL TO DISAPPOINT, DO YOU?_ Kakashi howled in his mind.

Kakashi was trying not to bash his head against the dashboard, when Hiruma's mobile phone proclaimed the incoming of the long awaited call.

"**It's me,**" Naruto said from the other side of the phone. He sounded like he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry. "**Lee's all right**."

"That's great," said Irene. "How did you do it?"

"**I thought it would be best if we asked Lee first, and make him speak on our behalf**," Naruto said, still sounding like he was torn between laughter and weeping. "**We used the **_**Bijin**_** strategy. As soon as Sakura-chan said 'Lee-san, we need help' he said okay.**"

_Sucker, _Kakashi chuckled. Irene smiled.

"**Actually he said: '**_**Of course! Anything for you, Sakura-san! I promise I'll protect you to the day I die!**_**'**" Naruto clarified, in a terrible (and horrifying) imitation of Gai-speech.

But if anything, it just made Irene smile even more. "Really."

"**Uh-huh. And then he did the teeth-sparkle-and-thumb thing.**" Naruto sighed. "**He needs to get checked.**"

Irene laughed outright. "But this means you have one very staunch ally. That's wonderful."

"**I suppose…**" Naruto said. But he didn't sound very enthusiastic. "**Now we just have to convince the rest of Lee's team. I'm hoping they'll agree once I put my cards on the table.**"

"You have an incentive package?" Irene asked.

"**Something like that,**" said Naruto. "**I think I can see them now. Talk to you later, Mom!**"

"Wait!" Irene called out. "Don't hang up! I want to hear this."

A low grumbling noise came from the phone. "**Fine, fine…**"

Kakashi heard an odd windy sort of noise from the phone. Presumably Naruto was putting his phone into his pocket and set the volume higher. Irene moved closer to Kakashi so he'd be able to hear them better.

They waited.

"**Lee says you need help,**" Hyuuga Neji said without preamble.

"**You can say that,**" Naruto replied.

"**I don't see why we should**," said Neji, a sneer evident in his tone. "**You guys are our opponents. But even if you weren't, I see no point in helping a weakling team who went down before the end of the first day.**"

"_**Neji!**_" shouted Lee, outraged.

"**It's okay, Lee,**" Naruto said calmly.

There was another bout of windy noises and shuffling before Naruto resumed talking:

"**If it was just about passing this test, we wouldn't have bothered. It's not as if Sasuke can't recover in five days. But we need to get to the tower in eight hours. That's why we're here to make an alliance.**"

A short pause

"**An alliance between shinobi is made only if it benefits both parties**," Neji drawled. "**What can **_**your**_** team offer that would benefit **_**us**_**?**"

This time, the sound of shifting fabric came out of the phone. Then there was silence.

"**We don't need your scroll,**" said Neji, still unimpressed.

"**This is just a token of our gratitude, which we're going to give to you whether you accept our offer or not,**" Naruto said, still unfazed. "**I know your team is strong. We wouldn't have approached if we thought you guys weren't strong. I also know you guys don't need help to clear this test. That's why we chose **_**this**_** to be your incentive.**"

There was the sound of a zipper moving, and the noise of shifting fabric.

A stunned pause ensued.

"…_**Hoh**_**…**"

"…**Waah…**"

"…**No **_**way…**_**!**"

Kakashi could almost see the face-splitting grin on Naruto's face.

"**We got all these in three hours,**" Naruto stated. "**Don't you want the information we can provide?**"

No answer. For a while, only the sound of forest quiet echoed from the phone. In Kakashi's minds eye, he could see Team Gai and Team Seven at a standoff, with Neji scrutinizing Naruto through the Byakugan while Naruto held his jacket open so Neji could see the impressive number of authentic scrolls stashed within.

The period of silence stretched.

"—**teresting,**" Neji finally muttered. "**You live up to your reputation, Team Kakashi.**"

"**We try not to disappoint,**" Naruto said.

Neji actually let out a snort of laughter.

"**I take back my previous assessment,**" Neji eventually said. "**I even acknowledge your Team has some skills. That said, I'm certainly interested in getting more info about the person or team who managed to put your team into this state.**"

"**So we have a deal?**" Naruto asked.

"**Just swear that you will answer all our questions.**"

"**I'm not allowed to swear,**" Naruto said, surprising quite a few listeners (and eavesdropper) by saying so. "**But my 'Yes' is 'Yes' and my 'No' is 'No'. And I say 'Yes, I will answer your questions'. Whether you believe what I say or not is totally up to you. Fair?**"

"…**Fair enough.**"

The phone line went completely silent after that. Irene closed her own phone with a sigh and a smile.

"Don't you just love it when he's in negotiator mode?" she said.

Kakashi beamed, "Absolutely."

00000

The truck made it to Konoha without causing any problems. No one inside the truck got hurt, no animals or trees were harmed, and the trip only took ten minutes. The wonders of Niiminjin Technology just never stopped.

An ANBU escort dropped in on them the moment the truck went past Konoha's main gate. Out of the three unexpected people, only Hiruma was allowed to accompany Irene because he had public security credentials (Kakashi briefly wondered about Niiminjin public security's recruiting efforts; just how desperate were they that they recruited _Hiruma_?). Seeing that the ANBU escort wasn't about to change their minds, Musashi gave Hiruma a set of keys and warned him there would be dire consequences if he drove the truck like he drove a police car.

Hiruma said he would do his best. Musashi pulled a face, muttered something about needing to buy new tires, and left (without the truck).

Once Musashi and Kurita were out of sight, the ANBU escort put Irene and Hiruma through a pat down search. Then they blindfolded the two before they escorted them to the underground tunnel system that connected all the major buildings in Konoha while bypassing everything in between, the Forest of Death included. Kakashi could tell just from the escort that there was a lot of tension over bringing an unknown Niiminjin civilian to treat the last Konoha-bound Uchiha. Personally, Kakashi thought they were being a bit stupid. What good would it do to scare the only person who could treat the aforementioned Uchiha before she actually treated him?

The reception waiting for Irene (and Hiruma) was as forbidding as the escort, if not more so. All the hardcore scaries were there: Sandaime, Ibiki, Anko, Gai, Jaku, Liipa and more fully armored ANBU than strictly necessary. Iruka was there too, and doing a terrible job at looking scary. But everyone there knew he was the scariest of them all.

Now, Hiruma's reaction to the whole ordeal was as expected: half riled up and half royally pissed. It was Irene who acted contrary to expectations.

Irene first bowed to the ensemble of (scary) Konoha shinobi. Then she made eye contact with Sandaime, who acknowledged her glance with a small nod. Then she looked at everyone else with a serene smile on her face.

"I know no one recognizes who I am," she said. "But this might be kind of helpful: I recognize a lot of you."

On the next blink, all that was white on Irene turned black: her hair, her clothes, her eyebrows. Then Irene took out a pair of dark-green shades with rectangular lenses from her inner coat pocket, and put them on.

Thus transformed, Irene looked eerily familiar.

When the gathered shinobi's collective memory, the Unspeakable Incident, and the name 'Agent Elrond' finally came crashing together, those over age twenty three took the resulting shock rather well: Anko was the only one who screamed and ran out of the room.

But, of course, Hiruma just _had_ to laugh at them like a demented hyena … he just _had _to.

As for Irene, she threaded her fingers together and continued to smile serenely.

"_Mae Govannen_, Shinobi of Konoha."

00000  
TBC  
00000


	20. Crossroads III

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Crossroads III  
00000

About sixteen years ago, Orochimaru said there was a kid from Niiminjin he wanted to take in as an apprentice. The request left Yondaime opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish, Sandaime choking on his pipe, Jiraiya jumping out of a window, and a good number of council members suffering mild heart attacks. Once everyone recovered from their collective shock and individual aftermath, the council decided to grant Orochimaru his request. Konoha-Niiminjin relations were fast deteriorating then, ever since Sakumo's monumental blunder wiped out the entire Niiminjin Reserves Army in one fell swoop. Everyone thought integrating Niiminjin's young into Konoha would help improve relations in the long run.

Then they actually met the kid Orochimaru wanted.

Oh, the kid was brilliant, no doubt about that. But he was _Evil_. Capitol E, capitol V, capitol I, capitol L. EVIL. Seriously Evil. No joke Evil. If anyone wanted to prove some humans are irrevocably evil, all they needed to do was use the Unspeakable Incident as an example: long and ugly story short, the kid orchestrated a plan that left most of the residents of Vivian's Sanitarium dead or worse, without laying a finger on anyone himself. Then, standing amidst the scene of the massacre, face to face with the woman who founded the haven for the disadvantaged, he tried to talk Vivian into murdering _him_.

…Talk about Evil.

Now, besides being Evil, the kid had some odd habits. Everyday, regardless of weather conditions, he would wear a black formal suit and tie, a white dress shirt, and rectangular sunglasses. The cultural reference was lost to Konoha, but the peacemakers from Niiminjin said he looked like 'Agent Elrond' dressed like that. Thus the kid (whose real name remained unknown to the very end) was remembered as Agent Elrond, the first underage sociopath to commit mass murderer in Konoha.

With this kind of history, it was a small wonder all Konoha Shinobi over age twenty three reacted the way they did, just after Irene made herself look like the infamous Agent Elrond.

It also partially explained the progression of the following events.

00000

As soon as Irene stopped talking, the entourage of (no longer) scary Konoha Shinobi burst into a volley of questions, while Hiruma rolled around the conference room floor busting a gut laughing.

"Hokage-sama, what's going on?_!"_

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA…!"

"Do you know this person?_!"_

"…GYAHAHAHAHAHA…!"

"Hokage-sama, is this him?_!"_

"…MWAHAHAHAHAHA…!"

"Hokage-sama…!"

Sandaime raised a hand for quiet, and the shinobi shut right up. He then tried to glare Hiruma into submission, only to put a silencing genjutsu on him instead. The gallery thus silenced, Sandaime faced Irene.

"Airin (Irene), turn back" Sandaime all but ordered.

Irene obediently dispelled the Niiminjin-brand illusion that made her look like Agent Elrond. But, like an optical illusion dissected to completion, Irene's face still looked very much like an Agent Elrond grown to adulthood.

_How did I NOT notice!_? Kakashi thought, mentally kicking himself. _Oh gawd, if 'he' was actually a 'she' or vice versa, then …_

"Take off your wig," said Sandaime.

…_Wig?_ Kakashi thought out of reflex.

Irene pouted; as in, she actually stuck out her lower lip. It was a disturbing sight. "Do I have to?"

Sandaime just looked at her. In a few seconds, Irene capitulated. She fisted the top part of her white hair and pulled. The wig came off, revealing short cropped hair— still bleach white— and outlets embedded all around her head. But the lack of wig didn't make Irene look any less like Agent Elrond. In fact, it made her look _more_ like Elrond, and Kakashi was quite sure this wasn't the impression Sandaime wanted his shinobi to have.

As soon as Irene looked to his satisfaction, Sandaime made the (damage controlling) introductions:

"This is Lee Airin (Irene), PhD, MD, DD," Sandaime announced. He didn't explain what the titles meant. "For the last twelve years, Airin has rendered many invaluable services to Konoha. She alerted us to Orochimaru's prenatal genetic experiments in Niiminjin, arranged and provided medical treatment to Orochimaru's surviving test subjects, and took a major role in making the first Niiminjin-Konoha ceasefire."

Kakashi lowered his suspicion against Irene about a couple of notches. So Irene was telling the truth when she said she testified against Orochimaru's prenatal genetic experiments. That marked her sincerity index higher than average in Kakashi's personal integrity marking system. But that was it. Sincerity in itself can only do so much.

"Also, as _some of you_ might have guessed, Airin (Irene) is Agent Elrond's last surviving sibling," Sandaime said, aiming a stern glare at his ninja as he spoke. "Rest assured Irene is not her brother. In fact, she is one of the kindest people I know. Therefore, I expect all of you to show her the respect that she is due."

But skepticism still reigned high despite Sandaime's assurances. Anko, who was peeking in from the door, quietly came back and took cover behind Ibiki, trying to look nonchalant with no success whatsoever. Three out of the four ANBU present were leaking subtle waves of Chakra, which wasn't odd under the circumstances, but out of place nevertheless. Gai looked as devastated as a romantic man betrayed could be. As for Iruka… first he looked puzzled, like he wasn't observing what he was expecting to see. Then he shook his head and set his expression into that of determination.

_Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, NO!_ Kakashi knew that look, the one that had 'I don't give a damn what other people think, _I_ think this person can be trusted and I'm going to act accordingly' written all over it. Iruka was just too damn trusting, damn it. What kind of ninja had a habit of opening the freaking door _without_ scanning the person(s) waiting outside first, and made a conscious effort to take in disreputable street kids _into his house_ to feed and cloth them? Didn't he know he could be assassinated for his generosity? But no matter how vehemently Kakashi protested both practices, Iruka's answer to the perfectly legitimate and rational argument was always the same:

"Will you stop being so paranoid. It's not as if my existence is known to people I need to worry about."

An understatement of massive proportions, needless to say. But this was not the time to refute a humble Chuunin teacher's severely underestimated self-assessments. Now was the time to _stop_ said humble Chuunin teachers from doing something terribly stupid because of those severely underestimated self-assessments.

"I prepared the infirmary for you," Sandaime said, just before Kakashi reached out to grab Iruka's shoulder. Apparently, he gave up on the lost cause.

Irene smiled; that looked freaky too. "Thank you."

Sandaime's returning smile was brimming with exasperation. "Come. Follow me."

They left, dragging a still silently-convulsing Hiruma behind them. The shinobi waited until Sandaime was well out of hearing range before they started talking.

"Who the fuck is she and how did you get to know her, Kakashi?" Anko demanded.

"Naruto," Kakashi answered. "He introduced me to her yesterday. He calls her 'Mom'."

"…_Mom?!_" said Anko and echoed by several others. Then Anko added: "How the fuck did you not _notice!_?"

"Did _you_ notice before she put on that illusion?" Kakashi shot back.

Anko flushed at the counter, but her next words were no less belligerent than before.

"She has to be a spy! The fucking bastard's appearance, this goddamn bitch volunteering, the timing is too good!"

_I wouldn't go that far_. In Kakashi's opinion, Irene was an independent agent taking advantage of the situation. _Her mommy-love for Naruto is quite genuine. She wouldn't have risked her life to save him from Mizuki otherwise. And if she is a spy, for what purpose did she compromise her life and ability to gather information to save Naruto?_

Kakashi was going to shoot the spy theory down, but Iruka beat him to it and more:

"I don't think Airin-san (Irene) is a spy. I don't think she has any intention of using Konoha either, be it for personal motives or nationalistic gains."

All eyes landed on Iruka. On the next second, everyone looked away. When Iruka was radiating the Influence like that, only a handful of people could meet his eye.

"…What makes you think so?" asked Gai. He sounded like a dying man who was just given a chance for salvation.

"My profiling mentor once told me about this doctor from Niiminjin," Iruka explained. "The doctor was one of the scientists Orochimaru conned into doing illegal human genetic research. After Orochimaru's intentions came to light, the doctor spent the next six years trying to cure the surviving test subjects. Unfortunately, most of the surviving test subjects were deemed hopeless; even Tsunade-sama had to let them go. But this doctor … just couldn't give up," A pause, "After the last patient died, the doctor vanished. My mentor was convinced the doctor committed suicide," Another pause, "Apparently not."

…_Huh. _Kakashi mulled over this new bit of information. If this doctor Iruka spoke of was Irene— and it very likely was, since Sandaime told them Irene provided medical treatment to Orochimaru's test subjects— then Irene must have spent the entirety of her adolescent years trying to cure people that had no hope of being cured. It painted a different picture of a teenaged Irene: one who dirtied her hands and battered her heart trying to pay for her past wrong doings.

Then an epiphany struck Kakashi.

Kakashi turned around and scrutinized the three ANBU who were leaking Chakra earlier. From their stature, hair-length, muscle layout and smell of Chakra, Kakashi could tell they were Tenzou, Watsuki and Yuugao. All three of them were survivors of Orochimaru's experiments. It was entirely possible they recognized Irene as the doctor who treated them, and then freaked out when she pulled an Agent Elrond.

_So that was what Sandaime was planning to do,_ Kakashi thought, as all the formless connections and separate ideas finally took full shape and threaded together. _He was going to reunite those three to Irene. Only Irene had her own agenda, and they didn't step up. _The conclusion left his previous suspicions shriveling up in abject shame. _I really am a fucking idiot…_

"…You're right. Airin (Irene) is no spy," Kakashi said. Then he proceeded to tell everyone his reasons, which more or less involved annotating Irene's personal history and her exceptional record as Naruto's surrogate Mommy.

By the end of Kakashi's explanation, everyone was silent except for Gai, who was noisily bawling into Iruka's shoulder.

"There, there, Gai-sensei…" Iruka said, patting Gai's shoulder.

Gai made a wet, wailing sort of noise. After some eye-rolling, everyone looked away from Gai and to each other.

"Why did she reveal her connection to Agent Elrond?" Anko wondered out loud. "Only a fucking idiot would do that, but Orochimaru would never take in an idiot."

"Perhaps it was behavior brought from guilt," Ibiki suggested.

_I don't think so. _While Kakashi agreed guilt-ridden people tended to do weird, self-destructive things, he didn't see any indication that Irene was wallowing in guilt. Come to think of it, Irene still did scientific research, performed surgery and took care of orphans when she had once committed— knowingly or unknowingly— crimes against humanity on children little younger than herself. Why was Irene not haunted, if not paralyzed, by her past? Was she not remorseful? But if she _wasn't_ remorseful, then why did she dedicate so many years of her life taking care of the people she had harmed? And if guilt wasn't driving her to do these things, just _what_ was driving her?

_Furthermore,_ Kakashi thought, _if Irene worked under Orochimaru's direction, what made her suddenly turn against him? You'd think thorough brainwashing is a prerequisite to becoming Orochimaru's minion. I suppose it's possible that she wasn't in the meat of Orochimaru's scheming, but she said she developed the underlying theory and mechanism behind the Curse Seal. Doesn't that mean she _was _intimately involved, at least in the human experimentations?_

All this didn't make sense. Lee Irene was a greater enigma than Kakashi ever imagined, that was for sure.

"I don't think Airin (Irene) disclosed her connection to Agent Elrond out of guilt," Kakashi said, despite his growing questions regarding her motive. "It was certainly done intentionally, for whatever purpose she had in mind."

"Do you have any idea what she's trying to do?" Ibiki asked.

Kakashi shrugged. For a while there was silence.

"Well, there's only one way to find out," said Iruka, breaking the silence.

_He's a bomb_, Kakashi thought, as everyone shuddered from the short but sharp exposure to the Influence. _A living Weapon of Mass Destruction; set him off and every bastard in the vicinity will surrender on bended knee… _

…_I wonder what would happen if he was pitted against Orochimaru?_

Oblivious to Kakashi's random thoughts, Iruka stated the obvious: "We have to ask Airin-san."

00000

Iruka led the small entourage of (supposed to be scary) Konoha Shinobi (minus Gai) to the Infirmary. About halfway there, they accosted Irene and the three _Suna_ Genin Kakashi saw a few days earlier. More specifically, they found Irene smothering the short, redheaded _Suna_ Genin in a hug, while the two other _Suna_ Genin—the one wearing the black catsuit, and the other carrying a huge metal fan— stared at Irene like she was completely and totally nuts.

"Goodness, you've grown so much!" Irene crooned, teary-eyed, as she rubbed her cheeks against the redhead's hair.

… If anyone still had some reasons to suspect Irene, then this scene finished them off. One thing everyone knew about Orochimaru and his minions, they were constitutionally incapable of doing anything this nauseatingly saccharine.

At length, Irene let the redhead go. The redhead in question looked like s/he was suffering a concussion, but doing a marvelously good job at hiding it.

"How long has it been, six years?" Irene said, brushing her tears away. "I wasn't summoned since your last surgery, and I wasn't sure if you'd get proper maintenance in Wind Country. Speaking of which, how are you doing?"

The redhead didn't speak. S/he just stood there, blinking owlishly.

"Still so quiet," Irene said chidingly. "Do you still have chronic headaches, nausea? Are you sleeping well?"

No answer; just more owlish blinking.

"I'll take that as yes, yes and no," Irene smiled ruefully. "Come here, sweetie, let me do a check-up."

The redhead took two steps back. Then s/he vanished in a whirlwind of sand.

Irene blinked at the small pile of sand the redhead left behind. Then she turned to the other two Genin.

"Kankuro, Temari, what's going on?"

"How do you know our names?" Catsuit asked sharply.

"Should we know _you_?" the Girl asked.

Irene looked hurt. "Lee Irene? The brain surgeon who operated on Gaara twice? One would think you two would remember me after I took y'all out for hamburgers every so often."

Catsuit—Kankuro, Kakashi assumed— blinked a couple of times. Then light dawned. "Oh!"

"You grew your hair!" The girl—Temari, Kakashi assumed— blurted out.

"Actually, this is a wig," Irene said, lifting the wig up for them to see. "My actual hair hasn't grown much."

"You look a hellava lot different with that wig," Kankuro muttered. "The feck happened to your legs?"

"Multiple Systems Atrophy, spinal nerve deterioration, and e-Brain Death Syndrome," Irene replied, giving more information than strictly necessary. "What happened to Gaara?"

"…Some shit."

"I suppose you can't tell me what kind of poo was involved?" Irene said.

Kankuro shook his head. "What are you doing here?"

Irene smiled. "What's my job?"

Kankuro pulled a face, "Surgeon…right. You're part of Konoha's medical staff?"

"No, I'm here for the occasion."

"Really," Kankuro shrugged his shoulders. "Well, we better get going…" They started walking away.

"Send Gaara to the infirmary, will you? I want to do a check up." Irene called out.

Kankuro and Temari gave Irene looks that showed their opinion of her sanity in spades. "We make no promises."

Irene waved them off. Once the _Suna_ Genins were out of sight and beyond detection, the ensemble of Chuunin and Jounin unmasked their presence and approached Irene (the ANBU stayed hidden as they were supposed to).

"You know them?" Ibiki asked.

Irene turned around and faced Ibiki and the others. "Yes. The redhead has a unique type of epilepsy that induces manic insomnia and violent Chakra seizures. Vivian asked me on her deathbed to take care of the kid. I performed two major surgeries and six other treatments. I met the other two after the first surgery." A pause "I think their parents weren't happy with the results. I haven't heard from them since the last surgery."

"You went to the Hidden Sand village?"

Irene shook her head. "I was summoned to Port Nawasaki. I did the surgeries in Tsuwa-no-hana."

"Tsuwa-no-hana…that's the Southerner settlement in Wind Country, isn't it?"

Irene nodded. Ibiki was silent for a moment. It was not entirely clear if the weight of his silence affected Irene any.

"Why are you—" Ibiki started.

A phone rang.

"Excuse me," Irene pulled out a phone from her jacket.

"**Mom, we're here!**" Naruto's voice announced.

"My, aren't you fast," Irene smiled. "Okay, I'll be there in a minute."

Ibiki looked like he was going to object—or explode. But before he could do anything, Irene ended the call.

"Please excuse me again," Irene said with a bow and a pleading gesture. "I have to meet the kids."

Then, without further ado, Irene rolled away. Ibiki imploded shortly afterwards.

"…Woman's got guts, that's for sure," Jaku muttered.

"Fucking out of her mind, too," Liipa added.

_Gifted with the most inconvenient timing, more like_. "Looks like she's going to do whatever she wants, whether we like it or not," Kakashi shrugged. "I'm off. Iruka-sensei, come with me."

"Oi, was that a double-entendre, Kakashi?" Anko called out as they broke away from the group.

"So, who's the _woman_?" someone else shouted.

An artery on Iruka's forehead bulged at the last comment.

"Kakashi-san, brace yourself," he said.

Kakashi did so. A second later, Iruka's Aura of DOOM ™ went off. On the next second, all of the bastards were twitching on the floor.

"You're progressing very well, Kakashi-san. I think you'll be able to handle actual Heavy Chakra jutsu very soon," Iruka said, as they walked away.

_Mwahahahaha!_ "Oh?"

"Let's get together as soon as this exam is over," Iruka grinned. "Bring Noriko-chan with you."

_Speaking of which, I'm going to get you for that, _"Yeah. Sure."

_Absolutely…BWAHAHAHAHA…!_

00000

At the ground level of the tower, not one, not two, but _three_ Konoha Genin teams were opening a pair of test scrolls. Iruka identified the unexpected third group as Team Asuma. The team's identity didn't say much about the reason why they were with Teams Kakashi and Gai.

_Did my team make another alliance?_ Kakashi wondered. _Why?_

The summoning jutsu inside the test scrolls did its job, and a Chuunin examiner appeared right on target. The summoned Chuunin examiner checked if all three teams fulfilled the test requirements. After Naruto yelled the examiner into submission ("The woman said we're disqualified _if_ any one of our teammates is dead or lost! And as you can see, none of us are dead or lost!"), and the examiner marked the Genin's names down, the Chuunin explained the underlying principle behind the 'Battle Royal' exam: the Heaven scroll signifies brains and the Earth scroll signifies brawns; those who have more brawns than brains must get themselves more brains, and those who have more brains than brawns must train their wimpy brawns; those who are equipped with a good balance of brains and brawns shall succeed in all missions.

_Reality, of course, is a lot less ideal_, Kakashi thought to himself. _You can have the best brawns and brains in the world, but it won't make you any less human. And humans _always_ fail._

As for Irene, her focus was on something else.

"That's _it_," she cried, flinging her hands up in the air. "I have just witnessed evidence that directly contradicts Quantum Physics. I am officially a monkey's ass!"

Then Irene sighed like her lifework was undone. On the next heartbeat, she directed her wheelchair to roll downstairs, where the Genin were.

"Good evening, everyone, you're right on time," Irene said. There were no traces whatsoever of her earlier despair in her speech or demeanor. "Please follow me. I am the doctor assigned to treat Sasuke."

"Airin-san is most certainly Naruto's mother," Iruka muttered. "Her mood shifts are as bipolar as him."

_Word! _"Let's see if she can wrestle Sasuke away."

Iruka rolled his eyes. "You _want_ to her see unhinged, don't you?"

Alas, Ka— they were disappointed. The examiner just let Irene lead Naruto (who was supporting Sasuke) away. Sakura and Ino followed. Kakashi decided to have a word with the examiner's superior before making his presence known.

"Kakashi-sensei!" squeaked Sakura. She looked genuinely relieved to see him. "Iruka-sensei, too!" she added.

"Yo," said Kakashi.

"Hello," Iruka smiled. "Looks like you guys had a rough time."

The looks on the girls faces uniformly screamed: _You have NO idea how much pain and suffering we went through! Pity us!_ The boy(s) had a layer of '_girls…_' on top of that sentiment. The whole thing was amusing if one had no reason to feel sorry and all the more reason to feel reminiscent.

Once the pity-induction fest was out of the way, the girls pounced on Irene.

"How are you going to treat Sasuke-kun?" Sakura wanted to know.

"What's wrong with Sasuke-kun anyway?" Ino asked.

Kakashi could have sworn he heard Irene mutter 'fan girls' under her breath.

"Let me put it this way, by means of an analogy," Irene said. "Sasuke has been infected by a kind of leprosy that affects the things that allows you to generate Chakra."

Sakura and Ino turned absolutely white.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. _Oh smooth. They took the explanation _literally_…_

"_Sasuke-kun has Chakra leprosy?!_" Ino screeched.

"Noooo!" wailed Sakura.

"But leprosy is curable," Iruka said over of the girls juvenile anguish. "I assume there is a silver bullet?"

"There is a bullet all right, but whether it's silver remains to be seen," said Irene. "This type of infection occurs very rarely, you know."

_We're gonna have a village-wide 'Curse Seal' pandemic panic attack in a week, I just know it. _"What does the bullet entail?"

"Giving Sasuke a facial and half-body tattoo."

…

……

"…_A WHAT?!_"

00000  
TBC  
00000


	21. Non Posse Non Peccare

A Different Perspective

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Non Posse Non Peccare  
00000

Irene did not immediately explain her enigmatic (at best—ridiculous at worst) remedy for the curse seal. It was not entirely her fault. Konoha's medical staff and two hysterical girls bombarded her with questions, all of which Irene was obliged to answer and answered obligingly. The problem was all the questions (which were asked with varying degrees of disrespect) had nothing to do with the remedy, but everything to do with Irene's medical credentials.

_Woman, you are either reactive in nature or you're letting us ignore the real problem,_ was Kakashi's verdict.

But the bombardment of (disparaging) background questions wasn't entirely fruitless. Irene's medical credentials, as Kakashi expected, were _impeccable_: Three doctorates degrees, summa cum laude graduate from the most prestigious medical school of the Southern Continent, ten years of actual surgical experience, _founder _of two new surgical procedures, and three internationally acclaimed articles published in three different medical journals. Name it, she had it. As one cynical medic put it, Irene was definitely someone Orochimaru would want. But that re-raised the thorny question: was Irene working for Orochimaru? And if she wasn't before, was she _now_?

That question remained unanswered even after Sasuke was handed over to Irene's care. But perhaps because the consequences of inaction was so dire, or because a lot of people were overwhelmed at the sheer range and variety of Irene's distinctions, nary a peep nor protest came from Konoha's board of medical ninjas.

Irene didn't waste the opportunity.

"There are a few questions I want to ask and several things I want you to know," Irene said. "This is so you will better understand _why_ I am doing what I am going to do."

Sasuke— and everyone else— leaned forward to listen.

"Those branded by the curse seal suffer the following symptoms during the first eight hours," Irene began. "Severe migraines, high body temperatures, intense periods of pain, selective amnesia, and abrupt increases in Chakra levels," Irene looked Sasuke in the eye. "Have you experienced any of these?"

"…All of them," Sasuke answered. Then he asked: "You know about Chakra?"

Irene sighed. "I suppose that is a legitimate question for you to ask. To answer the question itself: yes, I know. Even the scientific community in the Southern Continent knows and acknowledges Chakra's existence, though the members look like they'd rather strangle themselves with their own intestines than to admit that out loud."

There were a few scattered chuckles in the wake of Irene's diatribe.

"Now," said Irene. "Orochimaru must have told you the curse seal is a gift. I presume that you presumed based on Orochimaru's words, and the abrupt Chakra surge, the primary purpose of the curse seal is that of a power amplifier."

Sasuke blinked. Then slowly, he nodded.

"May I further presume that you have started harboring the thought that the curse seal may be the only means in which you can gain greater power in the shortest amount of time?" Irene asked.

Again, Sasuke blinked and then nodded.

Irene clasped her hands.

"Here I will correct your assumptions," she said. "The curse seal was not meant to be a power amplifier. It was made to be a seal of immortality. But even if we disregard its original purpose, the curse seal still fails to be an adequate power amplifier."

Quite a few people looked off-kilter at Irene's words. Others looked skeptical. Kakashi himself was quite interested to learn how Irene was going to justify her last assertion when she asked if Sasuke had felt a power surge.

"The failure of the curse seal comes in three levels," Irene said. "Most people assume that the curse seal is adding power on top of the power you generate normally. This is untrue. Neither Orochimaru nor the curse seal is giving you any additional power. Here you may ask: 'Then where did the power I felt come from?' I say that it comes from you."

"But even if I am the source, it still increases my power output," Sasuke pointed out sharply. "Doesn't that make the curse seal a power amplifier?"

Irene shook her head. "No. Suppose you are a house, and Chakra is the heat generated from a stove. The curse seal in this analogy is not feeding the stove extra fuel, nor is it improving the stove's energy output. It's actually tipping the stove and setting the house on fire."

Irene glanced at Sasuke, whose eyes went round momentarily in shock. It wasn't long before Sasuke hardened his eyes again. Apparently, he wasn't going to be moved by something as trivial as his body burning down.

_Teenage Immortality Complex at its zenith_, Kakashi thought waspishly.

Irene ploughed through.

"Do you see the first problem?" she asked.

Sasuke nodded curtly.

"And now that you know the curse seal is burning your house down, so to speak, you should be able to guess what the second problem is," Irene said.

Sasuke nodded again. "It's destroying my body in order to generate more Chakra."

"You are right in saying that the curse seal is destroying your body," Irene confirmed. "It can take as long as five years or only a few months, depending on your natural constitution and how frequently you use the curse seal. But make no mistake: as long as you _have_ the curse seal and leave it alone as it is, your body will collapse before its time." A pause, "I wouldn't be surprised if someone, who was branded before you, is dying from cancer and failing internal organs as we speak."

Sasuke abruptly looked up at the mention of someone who might have the curse seal besides him, but didn't comment on it. Irene gave Sasuke a twisted smile.

"Never assume your affliction is entirely unique. Humans are only unique in his or her own being; everything else is old news happening to new people."

Sasuke lowered his head as if in reluctant agreement. But his eyes held quite a bit of belligerence, as it always did whenever someone implied that he was somehow not unique in his suffering.

"Now the third problem," Irene said. "In my opinion, this is the most dangerous of them all."

_Another one of her bold assertions_, Kakashi thought. _But then again, she's been reliable so far…_

"The curse seal alters what you want, and how you want it," Irene said. "More specifically, it alters your heart's desires to be aligned to Orochimaru's."

Sasuke frowned. Kakashi raised his eyebrow. What was this woman talking about?

"In order to understand the third problem, you need know what Free Will is," Irene said. "When I say Free Will, I am talking about the ability to differentiate what is our internal desire and what is not, and make a decision based on that knowledge. Please note that I am not including the ability to actually _carry out_ the decision within the power of Free Will, and the point of reference is _desire_."

Sasuke nodded impatiently. Kakashi felt his internal alarm blaring inside his head, but he couldn't say exactly why.

"The curse seal won't take away your Free Will," Irene continued. "Orochimaru will insist he will never touch your Free Will, and he would be speaking the truth. But in your condition you might as well not have it, since Free Will can only function properly _if _your desires are without external bias and _if _you have the ability to carry out your decisions."

Kakashi's inner alarm was becoming very insistent now, but 'why' continued to elude him.

"The problem lies with your desires," Irene said. "Before the curse seal was branded on you, you had certain desires. Now there should be a bias, a shift if you will, to those desires. Has not your views changed since you have been branded? You may have had certain taboos you had no intention of breaking. Are you not viewing them now with lesser respect— contempt even? You may have had two co-existing goals. Has not one of them vanished in the wake of the sudden supremacy of the other? You should be able to tell, since the memory of your past desires shouldn't have been altered and your Free Will is intact."

Sasuke looked distinctly discomforted now. But rebellion was still in his eyes.

"This is what is happening to you, in the bluntest of terms," Irene said, in a manner of declaration. "The curse seal is corroding your psyche in such a way that Orochimaru's views are shaping your views, and his desires are structuring your desires. In short, _you are becoming Orochimaru's slave._"

"…_Bullshit_!" Sasuke exploded. "My goals are my own and they haven't changed! Stop talking like you can see everything when you don't even know _me_!"

"Of course I don't know you," Irene replied, "But consider this if you will: in the material realm, you are able to distinguish two different things because there is something that contrasts one against the other. Most of the time, we differentiate by sight. But even in total darkness, we can, to a limited degree, differentiate objects through touch, smell, taste and sound. But this kind of contrast can only be used in the realm of matter. What is there to contrast for things that are not matter, such as emotions and thoughts?"

Sasuke stopped.

"How can you tell whether or not your thoughts originated from you and not from some other source?" Irene asked. "Given enough time, we should be able to tell if Orochimaru is influencing your thoughts and desires by comparing your new psychological profile to your old profile—or better yet, Orochimaru's psychological profile. But that is it. We can only tell by _observing_ your actions and decisions, which are the _manifestation _of your thoughts and desires. Neither me nor you can take an individual thought and tell with certainty if it is yours or Orochimaru's. Moreover, _you_ are the only human being who knows your naked thoughts in all its nuances. Even if you described your thoughts to me, your explanation will be limited to your ability to use language. If this is the case, _how can you tell where your thoughts originated from?_"

Silence followed Irene's challenge. Sasuke slowly sagged into himself, no reply forthcoming.

Finally light dawned, and Sasuke turned sheet white.

_Goddamn it._ Kakashi felt the bile building up in his stomach. _This is the most perversely brilliant thing ever. What better way to make a _willing _slave than make the person desire only the things _you_ desire?_ _That way you leave Free Will intact, but you make a mockery of it by fixing the options…_

Irene reached out and touched Sasuke's face.

"You need not despair," she said, gently. "Right now, the influence of the curse seal is minimal. You have a fighting chance."

Sasuke didn't recoil from the touch. "The tattoos you were talking about…"

"The body tattoo will take care of the physical affects. The facial tattoo will care of the psychological ones," Irene confirmed.

"Can't you get rid of the curse seal?" Sasuke asked. He sounded like a petulant child.

Irene sadly shook her head.

Sasuke balled his fists. "So I'll never be completely free?"

Irene held him at this point. Kakashi couldn't imagine her leaving Sasuke without a word of hope.

What she said startled everyone.

"Oh child, you speak as if there was a time you were free. No one is born free. We are all slaves of desire. The only difference between you and me is that I am a slave of my desire and you are a slave of someone else's."

That was the not-hope Irene left for Sasuke to ponder over until the medics stepped in and put him under general anesthesia.

00000

"You are a hard woman."

Irene looked up from sanitizing her surgery kit, which turned out to be a machine that looked like a mutated nine-armed spider.

"Perhaps I am," Irene replied. "But if Sasuke was left in the dark, would it have made his lot better?"

Ibiki, who made the opening statement, stared at Irene in a way that would have made a lesser woman cower in fear.

Irene didn't budge or look away.

"…No," Ibiki admitted at length. "We want to prevent Orochimaru from taking Uchiha Sasuke. If the curse seal has the sort of enslavement capabilities you claimed it has—and I don't doubt this— then it is imperative that Uchiha Sasuke is as free from the curse seal's influence as possible. Making him abhor what the curse seal is doing to him can only help us."

Irene nodded.

"But if what you say about the human mind is true, then there is no way Uchiha Sasuke can recover his original psyche," Ibiki said.

"Yes," Irene confirmed. "_If_ I am right, then Sasuke's previous psyche is lost and beyond recovery."

Ibiki opened his mouth slightly, and then closed it. Kakashi had never seen the Interrogator display such indecision.

"I'm inclined to think that you are correct," Ibiki started. "But that would mean the only way to directly counteract Orochimaru's influence is to—"

"—add another, stronger influence," Irene finished.

Ibiki crossed his arms. "So you _were_ planning to put another curse seal on him."

"Oh, no, _no_, I was planning to do no such thing," Irene said with a smile. "I was, however, planning to put a Nasty Seal, which is my name for the mind-mucking component of the curse seal, on Sasuke. I just wasn't sure who'd be the second influence."

"_Nasty_ Seal, eh?" Ibiki quirked his lip, which made him look scary enough to make a grown man cry. "I suppose the name is appropriate, and your solution is the better alternative. However, I must say you played a dangerous gamble when you told Uchiha Sasuke everything necessary to figure out what your solution is."

"How so?" asked Irene.

"Besides being absolutely loyal to Konoha, the additional influence must have a naturally inquisitive and philosophical mind that asks questions like 'Why do I think like this?' 'How does this work?' and 'What is the meaning of this?'" said Ibiki. "This will ensure Uchiha Sasuke will be mindful of his every thought. But if he starts asking these kind of questions, it is only a matter of time before he starts investigating your solution."

"And _when_ he learns the true nature of my solution, would that bit of Orochimaru in him tolerate the fact he is, in effect, a slave of _two_ people?" Irene said in relay.

Ibiki raised an eyebrow. "So you have thought that far."

Irene nodded.

"So what is your counter?" Ibiki asked. Then he blinked, like something just dawned on him. "You told him that we are all born slaves of desire. I suppose we can, at that point, make him wonder if there is any difference between being a slave of one person over two people when you are a slave one way or another."

Irene grinned. "Of course he may question whether humans are truly slaves of desire or not, but the arguments Gautama Buddha raised alone should provide you with enough ammunition."

"That doesn't help much on his desire to be free, though," Ibiki said. "It might make him consider the path of Buddha."

The lengthy and convoluted discussion that followed discussed the possibility of Sasuke taking path of Buddha in order to become free. That anyone would even talk about such things was mind boggling enough in itself, but that _Ibiki_ was talking about such matters only added onto that state of boggle.

_All this philosophical nattering is making me go bye, bye brains. Iruka, saaaaaave meeeee_…_!_

Iruka sighed. "This is beyond my league."

_I knew I could rely on you. _"You're not the only one."

"But I think I found the most excellent candidate for the second influence," Iruka said with a smile.

Kakashi nodded, "Ibiki."

They watched the prospective second influence debate. From the sound of it (and Kakashi wasn't quite sure), Ibiki and Irene moved from talking about the path of Buddha in relation to Sasuke, to the nature of Buddhahood itself.

"Nirvana is supposed to be a state of complete lack of desire. Does this mean you will lack the desire to remain in the state of Nirvana? How then do you _stay_ in Nirvana? Are you completely mindless and thoughtless? But Gautama Buddha talked, therefore thought, after he achieved enlightenment. So unless Gautama Buddha was deluded, Nirvana cannot involve mindlessness or thoughtlessness. But if Nirvana includes the desire to remain in a state of lack of desire, then the whole concept of Nirvana collapses since it's a contradiction in terms. You might as well search for a one-ended stick."

"But desire may not be a necessary condition in order to talk and think. Talking and acting may become natural responses to certain conditions."

"But that would mean achieving Nirvana is like turning into a highly sophisticated automation that produces the correct output in response to an input. Now, suppose I created a lifeless robot that, given sufficient input, can select the correct moral law to act upon. Would that robot be a Buddha? It has no desire, and it can make ethical decisions and act accordingly."

"…Any luck, Kakashi-san?" Iruka asked.

"I got lost somewhere between Nirvanas and robots and one ended sticks," Kakashi replied.

Iruka laughed quietly. "I don't think I can remain in this state of confusion much longer without my brains dribbling out of my ears. But then again, I can't think of a way to break this conversation without making myself look like an unsophisticated heathen."

_Yeah, it's all Ibiki's fault._ "Do you have anything against being known as an unsophisticated heathen to these two?"

"Hmm…" Iruka scratched his cheek. "…No."

_I thought so. _"Well then."

It was quickly decided a short and mild blast of the Influence was the best way to interrupt the philosophers in debate. Thus so determined, Kakashi and Iruka turned to the debating duo. At that point in time, they were talking about the problem of Evil. How they moved from talking about Nirvana to the problem of Evil was beyond Kakashi's comprehension.

"Perhaps the problem isn't the _existence_ of desire, but the _kind_ of desires we arbor. It is not wrong to desire the good and the beautiful, after all. But if the problem is our evil desires, then where does these evil desires come from? Do we accumulate these evil desires as we grow, or are we born with them?"

…_This is as good time as any other!_ Kakashi signaled.

Iruka started to concentrate. But then Ibiki's words left him dead in his tracks.

"I used to think that if there really is a God interested in saving humanity, he would have saved us from ourselves."

Irene stared at Ibiki, opened mouthed.

"…You know, there _is_ a God who wants to save us from ourselves," Irene said with deliberation and caution.

Ibiki raised both eyebrows, "Really?"

Irene nodded slowly. "It is said He offered His son as a sacrifice, and the Son willingly took the Karma of all humanity. It is also said this gift of atonement will be given to all those who believe in the Son. The gift does not end here. It promises those who believe a life of eternity beyond death, and a new heart that hates the evil and loves the good."

"Taking the Karma of all of humanity, only the God of Gods would be able to do something like that," Ibiki muttered. "That alone would have been a gift too good for humanity. But compared to the gift being offered, what humanity has to do is too small and paltry."

"It is not as simple as you think," Irene replied. "Even believing in the Son is a tall order."

"Why?"

"Suppose you are an atheist. How can you believe in the Son of God, when you can't even believe that the divine exists? What guarantee is there that this whole concept of God is not just a product of wishful human thinking? Even if you are convinced that the divine exists, how do you know that this particular god exists? Does this particular god really have the power to do what he promises? What about the whole issue of Karma? If you can eventually pay off your own Karma, why is the Son even necessary? What about the claims the Son made? He said that we cannot pay a single iota of our Karma, no matter how hard we try. He also said: 'I am the way. I am the truth. I am the bread of Life. Whoever believes in me shall not perish, but have eternal life.' How do we know he is speaking the truth? But above all, how do you know if the man who claimed be to the Son of the only living God is really who he claimed to be, and not just some lunatic who might as well have said something as credible as 'I am an Egg. I am a Tree. I am a poached egg and a scrambled egg at the same time'."

Ibiki actually laughed. It didn't matter how often Kakashi heard Ibiki laugh: it was still one of the most terrifying sounds to behold.

_They're freaks of the same class and caliber. What a fine couple they shall make._

Despite Kakashi's unholy thoughts, the dialogue on holiness continued.

"You are a perpetual doubter, are you not? It makes me wonder how someone like you came to believe in something as fantastic as gods who have sons and sacrifices aforementioned sons for humanity, and sons of god who willingly take the karma of all humanity in exchange of humanity's trust."

"You make it sound like I'm a doubter who has gone insane. Anyway, you want to know how I came to believe in things that are too fantastic to be true. The first step was being convinced that the heart of all human beings is desperately wicked."

"All humans?" asked Ibiki.

"All humans," Irene confirmed. "That includes me and you. And Kakashi-san over here and Iruka-san over there, even though Iruka-san looks too nice to be associated with the word 'wicked'."

Ibiki was terribly amused. "Pray, convince me."

"Universal human depravity isn't all that hard to be convinced of," Irene said. "Evil is a reality that always finds a way to smack us in our faces, especially ninjas like you," A pause. "_My_ wake up call was a bit too extreme, so I'll give you a milder example."

If anything, Ibiki was more amused. "You can show it to me right now?"

"Oh yes," Irene smile was starting to show too many teeth. "I have just the thing…"

Then, without warning, Irene bellowed: "YO-I-CHI!"

In three seconds, Hiruma was back in the infirmary.

"_What?!_"

Irene displayed the power of Mommy at its fullest and most forbidding.

"You may have thought you had eluded me, but you cannot elude my detection indefinitely," she began.

Hiruma looked like he didn't really comprehended what Irene was talking about, but instinctively knew he was in deep shit.

"You broke into my e-brain two years ago," Irene charged. "You have been clever enough to alter the access records in the Public Security's main computer. You even bypassed the security check points within my e-brain. However, you forgot to consider the _router_ you unwittingly used in order to connect to my e-brain. I have been able to trace your access through that router. You're busted Yoichi!"

_This doesn't sound like your typical bad-boy hacks mommy's computer_, Kakashi thought, while Hiruma tried to look cool and supercilious with no success whatsoever.

"If you had just hacked my e-brain, I might have considered it a joke," Irene growled. "But after hacking into my e-brain, you downloaded a bunch of _obviously suspicious programs_. That was bad enough. But your most heinous crime is this: _You installed those suspicious programs into Naruto's e-brain!_"

"YOU gave Naruto the Curse of Orange Clothes?!_"_ Iruka blurted out.

"…Curse of the Orange Clothes?" Ibiki repeated. He looked at Kakashi for an explanation.

Kakashi shook his head. "It'll take forever to explain." _And even then, you wouldn't believe._

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" Irene demanded.

Slowly, Hiruma bared his teeth into an insane grin. "…You're two years too late."

While Iruka exploded in a mire of the Influence, Irene turned to Ibiki.

"This has been going on since he was six," she said. "May I rest my case?"

Ibiki saluted.

00000  
TBC  
00000


	22. Fear of Foibles

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Fear of Foibles  
00000

Kakashi looked at the assembled Genin through wary eyes. Apparently, his team's scroll sweep didn't prevent three more teams from making the cut. There were six teams in total, two of which arrived even earlier than his team (and their allies). With eighteen Genin making the cut, they were required to hold preliminaries.

_Of all the times to have a prelim …_ Kakashi sighed. Then he studied Sasuke. Even under glaring florescent lights he couldn't make out the tattoo that was supposed to be on Sasuke's forehead. Kakashi again marveled at the technical ingenuity behind it: who'd of thought you can make an invisible tattoo? But ingenuity aside, the invisible tattoo was a stark reminder of what was at stake.

The tattoos themselves didn't raise any stakes. Sasuke was under general anesthesia, so pain wasn't even part of the picture. The 'ink'—or, more correctly, the micromachine (MM) solution— Irene used to create the tattoo likewise kept the picture clear—literally. Exactly what the MM solution was, Kakashi did not know. What he did know was that the solution was a colorless and transparent liquid filled with microscopic machines that did something mind boggling and funky. Also, according to Irene, unless you studied Sasuke's body through infrared lights, you wouldn't be able to tell if he had a tattoo or not. The Shinobi were assured of this after Irene finished the body tattoo.

The stakes started to rise exponentially after Sandaime asked his shinobi to nominate anyone they thought 'had the strength and content of character that can counteract Orochimaru's influence' (read: nominate someone who has a personality that will hopefully make Sasuke's already messed up psyche more agreeable without adding too many more foibles in the processes).

"I nominate Ibiki-san," Iruka said.

"I refuse the nomination," Ibiki promptly replied.

Anyone else would have left the nomination to die at that. Iruka was not everyone else.

"Why?"

Beads of sweat appeared on Ibiki's face, and rapidly increased in quantity and volume. But Ibiki stood firm.

"Having experts in torture sitting in the back of one's mind is a Very Bad Idea," he said.

Iruka looked at him with Wide Eyes. "But wouldn't you give him a more discerning mind?"

Ibiki started to lose it. "I SAID NO!"

"No one should be forced into this," Irene said, very reasonably. "I also suggest you pick someone who is similar in temperament and not too much older than Sasuke."

"That rules me out," Sandaime mused. He looked at Irene. "What about you? You have an analytical and discerning mind."

This time, Irene almost lost it, "NOOOOOO! HE MIGHT TURN INTO A GAY TRANSVESTITE!"

That brought a mental image Kakashi didn't want. Then his sick, perverted mind raised a question.

"Why might he turn into a gay transvestite?"

"I'm a _woman_," Irene point out. "I like men and dresses of the flowery and pink variety."

That brought a mental image that turned several people pea green. Sandaime had to sit down for a moment.

"…No women," Sandaime eventually said.

"Unless she's a butch lesbian," Anko quipped.

"Can we not talk about this?" Iruka pleaded. His eyes brought quite a few people to their knees again.

But Anko was not about to give up just yet. "You seem to be pretty sure Uchiha Sasuke will turn into a gay transvestite if you sit in the back of his head. Have you tried it _before_?"

How Irene was going to react to the so-called question was lost in the midst of Iruka's Aura of DOOM ™. Miraculously, Anko was the only one affected.

"We are NOT going to talk about this," Iruka declared in the aftermath.

Sandaime was among those who saluted the ultimatum.

Once Anko was carted away, the discussion on who would be the second influence restarted with caution. For reasons Kakashi could not fathom, his nomination of Iruka was summarily rejected, even by Sandaime. Apparently everyone thought Iruka's mind must be as frightful as his Influence, the poor misguided fools.

The candidates eventually narrowed down … to _Kakashi_.

For the record, Kakashi didn't start out as a prime candidate. In fact, he was not among those who were nominated in the second round. His pointed and continuous waving of _Icha Icha Violence_ had much to do with it. Then his non-candidate status vanished in the wake of the following question:

"Will someone who is more or less celibate by nature turn into a pervert because a pervert is sitting in the back of his mind?" Ibiki asked. The way Ibiki worded his question was very suspicious.

"Why do you ask such a question?" Irene asked with a frown.

"Orochimaru is well known for his pedophilic tendencies," Ibiki said. "It suddenly dawned on me that Uchiha Sasuke may … _acquire_ … this character defect."

Irene looked suitably sickened. But through inner sickness and outer health, Irene considered the question.

"The mind altering component of the curse seal cannot overwrite a person's innate nature," she answered. "So no, I don't think a person with the gift of celibacy will turn into a pervert because his or her mind is linked to a pervert."

That effectively demolished Kakashi's demerits as a candidate. In no time at all, Kakashi was nominated, and his name rose rapidly among the ranks. It was no longer a laughing or joking matter when he was actually _elected_ as the second influence.

"This is a Bad Idea," Kakashi said.

"Only someone who knows his inner self would say as much," Sandaime remarked.

"So you agree this is a bad idea."

"No," Sandaime replied.

_I hate you._ "…You're going to agree with me later, Hokage-sama…"

"You'll do fine, Kakashi-san," Iruka said.

_I hate you too. _"No. I won't."

"It can't be that bad," Irene smiled. "Who knows? He might even gain your sense of humor!"

_And you! _"…I hate you all."

But, in the end, Kakashi remained it. Irene worked on the facial tattoo for the rest of the night. Then the morning came, and Irene passed out as soon as Sasuke woke up. For the next two days, Kakashi studied Sasuke's behavior and speech, hoping against hope the facial tattoo didn't work. To Kakashi's partial relief, he didn't see any change.

Iruka, on the other hand, insisted that he could already see Kakashi's influence working its way through.

"Just look at him!" Iruka kept saying.

Kakashi would look, and he'd either see Sasuke being fussed over by Irene, or doing basic Chakra exercises so Irene could analyze his Chakra quality or suppressing a smile as Irene told him yet another embarrassing story about herself or her students or her surrogate children while she retouched his tattoos. As far as Kakashi was concerned, Irene was just being Irene and Sasuke was reacting according to his own nature for all three cases. He even told Iruka as such. Iruka's reply to his assessment was troubling:

"(_Sigh_) Kakashi-san, you can be so blind sometimes."

Kakashi wasn't sure if he wanted to know the full extent of his supposed (but very probable) blindness, so he didn't inquire further. Instead, he spent the remaining two days trying to see what Iruka could see, but to no avail. Then, just when he decided he'd have to discover the mystery in private…

"I must talk about the preliminaries, which will decide who gets to participate in the final test."

…Sasuke was going to have to fight in front of an audience. Now Kakashi was screwed: if there was any circumstance where Sasuke would show Kakashi's regrettable foibles in all its glory, it was in a fight. Not for the first time, Kakashi wondered if there was someone up there who really didn't like him.

Resigned to his fate, Kakashi turned his attention back to the Genin at large.

"According to the Chuunin exam rules (cough), we must reduce the number of entrants of the third test through a preliminary (cough)," Hayate, this year's referee, explained. "As Hokage-sama mentioned earlier, there will be guests during the third event—some of which are VIPs (cough, cough). Since their time is limited and fights can drag on, limiting the number of entrants for the last event is necessary."

Amidst the silent protests and outrage, Hayate pulled out a ledger.

"Those who are not feeling well, or desires to quit after hearing my explanations, please come forward now. We will be starting the preliminaries immediately."

There was the inevitable grumbling against the mercilessness of it all, followed by a short period of silence.

Then, someone raised their hand.

"Um, I'm going to quit."

Kakashi looked at the guy. He was one of older Konoha Genin— the bespectacled and gray haired one Naruto had an argument with before the first exam. As far as Kakashi could tell, he didn't look all that battered.

"You're Yakushi Kabuto from Konoha, right?" Hayate coughed twice. "You may leave now…"

…_Kabuto?_ Kakashi searched his memory for the familiar name. A short list surfaced. _Noguchi Hideo's adopted son; medic-nin who transported an e-Brain user infected with a mutation of the Curse of the Orange Clothes; may know existence of Curse of the Orange Clothes…_

"I've seen that face often," Sandaime said. "Didn't he quit during the final test last year?"

"He did, sir," Anko confirmed, as she read a particular sheet in the entrant data book. "His name is Yakushi Kabuto; he failed the exam six times in a row."

"…What kind of history is that?"

"An atypical one for a typical lukewarm Genin, or so it seems," Anko replied, still reading the entrant book. "Throughout his academy years, he didn't stand out. His grades were average, and he graduated after his third try. He completed two C-rank missions and fourteen D-rank missions since becoming a Genin—again, nothing spectacular," A pause. "However…"

"However?"

"…There _is_ something out of the ordinary. It's from his pre-academy days."

Sandaime raised an eyebrow.

"Do you remember the young boy who was brought here from the battle at Bellflower Pass?" Anko asked.

Sandaime nodded. "I do. As I remember, a Jounin from the medical team took in a young enemy survivor." His eyes turned to Kabuto. "So he is that boy…"

_Hmmm…_Kakashi studied Kabuto a little longer. At the moment, he was talking to his teammates. _What are they talking about?_ The other two were wearing masks, so Kakashi couldn't read their lips. Kabuto had his face turned, so Kakashi couldn't read his either. _Well, damn…_

Kabuto eventually left the room. Naruto looked quite disappointed for some reason.

"Um," Hayate cleared his throat. "Is there anyone else…?"

The unfinished question met silence.

"Very well then, we shall begin the preliminaries."

00000

Hayate explained the procedures and the rules, such as it was: The matches are one-on-one battles; there are no constraints except that which determines the end of a match; a match ends when at least one of them dies, admits defeat, or is knocked out; if the referee decides a winner is clearly established, he will jump in and end the match.

"The winners will advance to the third test," Hayate said. "But, since there are seventeen entrants, one of you will have to win twice."

"No mercy, as usual…" Kakashi heard Iruka mutter.

"That which will determine the match ups …" The board covering the black monitor started to rise. "…Is that electronic board (cough). It will show the names of those who must fight each other."

Hayate coughed thoroughly.

"Now without further ado, we will announce the participants of the first match."

All eyes converged to the board. It stayed blank for two seconds. Then the names appeared.

_**Uchiha Sasuke vs. Akado Yoroi**_

…_Someone up there reeeeeeaaaally doesn't like me_. Kakashi sighed heavily. _No. Scratch that: Does _anyone_ up there like me?_

00000  
TBC  
00000


	23. Preliminary Peccadilloes

_**A**__** Different**__** Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main****Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

00000  
Preliminary Peccadilloes  
00000

_Genius __Summa __cum __Laude,__ Irene_, Kakashi thought fervently, as the medics moved Akado Yoroi onto a stretcher.

The much anticipated (and dreaded) Uchiha Sasuke vs. Akado Yoroi match lasted no more than thirty seconds, both contenders making one move and one only. Yoroi's first move was three thrown shuriken and an unidentified jutsu. Sasuke's first move was _Katon__ Goukakyuu__ no__ Jutsu_. The latter's jutsu was as spectacular as it was completely unexpected: the fireball left a cone-shaped path of destruction which the length alone covered half of the battle arena, and a large crater on the right hand wall.

When the smoke settled, Yoroi was nice and toasty and Sasuke was as surprised as everyone else.

"…Incredible," Sasuke said in a state of contemplative shock, after Hayate declared him the winner.

"What is?" Kakashi asked.

"After _that_, it hurt even to use Chakra," Sasuke replied, "Now it's better than _before_. And the power output…"

Sasuke trailed off at that. But his ill constructed explanation still explained volumes. After all, it didn't take a genius for the informed majority to figure out Irene's invisible tattoo didn't just suppress the Curse Seal—it _harnessed_ it and _augmented_ it. The conclusion was only strengthened when Naruto declared with all due authority:

"When Mom makes something, she makes it _well_."

… Apparently, Naruto forgot about the Curse of the Orange Clothes when he spoke. But since Irene made what she had intended, one _could_ argue that the Curse of the Orange Clothes was a well made something. Whichever the case, Sasuke was certainly impressed—at something. Whether it was Irene's skills or the tattoo or at himself, only time would tell.

Hayate cleared his throat.

"Next match is … Akimichi Chouji verses Aburame Shino."

Naruto eyes went wide.

"This one's going to be _fun_…!"

00000

"Baika no Juts—AAAAAAARGH, _BUGS_!"

Chouji ran around in circles while a swarm of Chakra-eating insects chased after him. The majority of the audience watched without much sympathy to offer.

"Pathetic," was the aforementioned majority's assessment.

"Oi, that's not nice," was Naruto particular response, which only made Sasuke repeat the majority assessment more forcefully.

"_**Pathetic**_."

Naruto rolled his eyes, "And of course you wouldn't react badly if you were being chased by a swarm of black bugs, oh no." He sighed. "What _am_ I going to do with you?"

Naruto lamented over Sasuke's emotional maturity, or the lack of it. Meanwhile, Chouji continued to run around in circles. Then the bugs caught up with him.

"AAAAARRRGHHHH, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Chouji threw his hands up in the air, "I QU-!"

"CHOUJI!" hollered Ino. "IF YOU QUIT RIGHT NOW, ASUMA-SENSEI'S NOT GOING TO BUY YOU YAKINIKU!"

A pause

"—NOT!" called out Chouji. Then he did the Baika no Jutsu he tried to do earlier and started rolling.

"Well waddya know, it works," Naruto said in mild astonishment, as Chouji littered the arena with squashed bugs, fleeing bugs, and meandering-uncertainly-bugs. For a moment, it looked as if the battle tide had turned.

Then Shino gathered his wits and lured his opponent into crashing headlong into a wall. The impact alone didn't cause Chouji much damage, but it did make him stop—long enough for Shino's remaining destruction bugs to swarm and deliver the coup de grace.

"_Ew_," Naruto winced amidst Chouji's renewed screaming and flailing.

"…This match is over," Hayate announced after a wince. "Winner is Aburame Shino."

00000

The third match was between Nara Shikamaru and Misumi Tsurugi. Kakashi was all ready to watch until something caught his eye.

"Is your stomach still bothering you?"

Naruto stopped rubbing his tummy. "A bit," he admitted.

Kakashi frowned. "Sandaime took care of the _Fuuin__ Jutsu_, right?"

"Uh-huh."

"But you're still having Chakra problems?"

"Nuh-uh," Naruto scratched his chin in a distracted manner. "S'kind of like… the _something_ squeezing into almost nothing, but the something got bigger."

Kakashi untangled this more ill constructed, somewhat mystifying explanation. _My__ kids __are __reduced __to __speaking__ in__ garbled __jargon. __Fuck __you, __Orochimaru; __I __didn__'__t __need__ this __on __top __of __your __continued__ existence._"…The 'something' feels bigger than usual?"

Naruto nodded. Kakashi kept his grumble of discontent lodged in his throat. _First __the __curse__ seal, __now __the __Kyuubi. __Why __me?_! But duty was duty, and Kyuubi-related problems always took highest priority.

_I__'__m __not __qualified __for__ this __kind__ of __bullshit. _Kakashi carefully scrutinized Naruto's bellybutton through the Sharingan. As one could expect from Sandaime's handiwork, the seal markings were perfectly intact and the Chakra around Naruto's abdomen and beyond looked perfectly normal. For all intents and purposes, it looked like Naruto was getting worked up over a dud.

_But, __of __course, __I __have __to __know__ better. _Kakashi motioned Iruka for a second opinion. He had yet to decipher how, but Iruka could identify up to ten different streams of Chakra flowing within a person's body just by feeling their pulse. _One __of __those __mysterious __abilities __of __Heavy __Chakra __Masters,__ I__ presume._

Iruka placed his right forefinger on the left side of Naruto's neck. For the next minute or so, Kakashi watched Iruka tap a rhythm that was roughly in sync with a normal human heartbeat on his thigh with his left hand.

"There's an erratic beat intruding into the usual tempo," Iruka said, meaning a steady stream of distinctively foreign Chakra was mixing into Naruto's own Chakra. For traditional ninjutsu this wasn't an issue, but for Heavy Chakra this screamed trouble of apocalyptic proportions.

"How well is it syncing with the main flow?" Kakashi asked.

"It's not bad enough to worry about rebounds, but it's still tethering at the edge of cacophony." Iruka bit on his lower lip then let it go. "Only time will tell if it will harmonize, but I'd rather it _not_." He eyed Naruto. "Don't use any of that jutsu."

Naruto pouted. "Oh, _swell._"

Iruka furrowed his brow. "Naruto—"

"I'm not complaining because of the ban," Naruto said, interrupting Iruka's admonition. "I'm complaining because yer talk about tempos and harmonies and Chakra peccadilloes is mystifying the wrong people!"

Kakashi blinked; _Chakra __peccadilloes?_

…_BWAHAHAHAHA__…__!_

Kakashi stopped before he descended further into madness. He looked around to see if anyone noticed his bout of introspective laughing, and caught Lee and Neji staring in his general direction. The former looked as if the insides of his bowl cut were filled with little question marks and the latter looked as if a long series of ellipses were trailing down his hair.

"Ya ain't missin' anything!" Naruto shouted in their general direction.

Someone made a sickly cough from the battle arena.

"The winner is Nara Shikamaru," Hayate announced.

Naruto looked absolutely horrified.

"DAARGH, I MISSED THE WHOLE THING!" he howled.

Sasuke smirked. "Besides Shikamaru making Tsurugi bash his head against the wall, you missed nothing."

"…_I __hate__ you_," Naruto snarled. "Now I want to know how the feck he did that!"

00000

The fourth match was TenTen verses Temari. While the girls went after the other's throat—one throwing sharp and pointy objects and the other blasting them away with her fan—Sakura patiently explained to Naruto how Shikamaru made Tsurugi bash his head against a wall (it involved a successful K_age__ Mane __no__ jutsu_ and a back flip). As usual, Naruto had trouble following her explanations without the aid of diagram(s). _Not_ as usual, Sakura didn't punch him out when he asked for a second one.

Naruto was nodding his head in comprehension by the time TenTen fell on Temari's fan back first and laid there unconscious.

"What did I miss this time?" howled Naruto.

"Pretty much everything," Sasuke replied.

Naruto was so beside himself with fury he could only pantomime curses for the next ten seconds, during which Hayate declared Temari the victor.

Then Naruto was nowhere to be seen.

Kakashi looked down just in time to find Naruto landing on the battle arena, right behind Lee, who cushioned TenTen's body from a nasty throw.

"Good catch," Temari sneered.

"What's the meaning of this?_!__"_ Lee cried. "This is no way to treat an opponent who gave her all in battle!"

"Oh, shut up," Temari stomped her fan on the ground. "Just take your fellow weakling and get lost."

That struck a nerve. _As __intended_, Kakashi thought, as he watched Lee thrust TenTen into Naruto's arms and readied himself for a leap. Only, Lee didn't complete the leap. Instead he faltered, and clutched the back of his neck with a wince. Kakashi raised an eyebrow. _What__ the__…__?_

Lee looked back at Naruto, teary-eyed.

"What did you do that for?" he asked, implying Naruto had done something.

Naruto waggled his forefinger about.

"Blessed are you when people hate you, exclude you, revile you and spurn your name as evil on account of the Son of Man," Naruto said, in manner of a madman quoting a venerated text in order to rationalize his insanity.

Lee blinked a couple of times. Then, rather than edging away from Naruto (who was clearly insane at the moment), he said: "Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you—"

"—bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you," Naruto said in relay. "And if someone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also." He said the last part while poking his own cheek.

Lee completely deflated after that, though Kakashi would be damned if he knew why. The two Genin bowed their heads as if in reverence. Then they turned to face Temari, who looked rather uneasy (and understandably so).

"We love you!" Naruto and Lee shouted in concert. Then they blew kisses in Temari's direction.

The silence that followed the madness was complete.

"…Don't fuck with them Temari!" someone shouted. "They're fucked up! Totally fucked up! Like completely gaga!"

The shout brought things back into perspective. In other words, Kakashi realized someone had to go down there and pound some sense into Naruto's thick skull. Or just pound him. Because if this nonsense didn't stop right now, the kid's already tattered reputation was going to go down an international toilet, and take Konoha's reputation down with it for sure…

…But _he_ didn't want to be associated with the brat anymore… only he already _was_… Kakashi took a reluctant peek. Sasuke and Neji were already down there in the battle arena, giving their respective teammates a really, really _mean__ kick_. After Naruto and Lee absorbed the blows (and neither looking terribly affected), the progeny of Konoha's most respected clans snarled at each other.

"Get your freak away from our freak."

"Excuse me? _Your_ freak started the whole thing!"

"_Our_ freak would've ended it with talking nonsense. _Your_ freak made him do the last bit of insanity!"

And so on. The debate on which freak had the worse influence over the other continued until Hayate finally got his senses back together and told everyone to fuck_ off_ so they could get on with it, and if they didn't clear off _right__ now_, by Buddha's pants, he was going to disqualify the whole friggen' lot of them, damn it.

_Only__ Naruto,_ Kakashi thought as he watched Sakura pound Naruto senseless. _Only__ Naruto __can __reduce __Hayate __to __blasphemy._

00000

As fate would have it, the fifth match was between Naruto and Inuzuka Kiba. Kakashi had the deepest suspicion the Chuunin examination board held out the announcement as long as they were able, thus ensuring Naruto was beat up as badly as he could possibly be.

"You know, it really doesn't help his case when he acts like this," Kakashi whispered to Iruka.

"I don't deny Naruto acted out of line," Iruka said, crossing his arms. "But he was positively _decent _compared to the usual batch of people who make sexually explicit death threats."

Kakashi couldn't deny that. "I suppose I should file a complaint."

"Too late, don't you think?" Iruka muttered as Naruto jumped down to the battle arena, looking as battered as he actually was.

Kiba gave Naruto an apprising look.

"Shit, this is sad," said Kiba, "I wasn't really expecting to use Akamaru against _you_, but this clinches it." He put down his puppy. "You can stay out of this one, Akamaru."

Naruto gave Kiba a hooded look he reserved for spectacular idiots.

"Why, thank you. That solves all my problems." Naruto flexed his fingers. "Some people get really upset when puppies get hurt, you know."

Kiba sneered. "Think _you_ can win against _me_?"

"Of course," said Naruto, as if he was stating the obvious. "Trust me, sunshine, even if you use every fecking jutsu in your arsenal, _and_ sic your damn puppy on me as a last resort, you're still not going to win."

Kiba looked as affronted as a tyrant facing a peasant revolt. Kakashi had no doubt his sentiment was shared by every other shinobi from Konoha.

"Begin!" Hayate called out.

Kiba got down on all fours and grew fangs and claws. Naruto made a funky fighter pose.

"En garde!" shouted Naruto. Then he started walking towards Kiba as one taking a stroll in the park.

Kiba was aghast.

"What the— He vanished!"

Kakashi gave Kiba a hooded look of his own. _What __do __you __mean __he __vanished?__ He__'__s __right __there_. He tapped Iruka on the shoulder. Iruka first looked at Kakashi, and then shook his head. _You__ can__'__t __see __him __either?_ Kakashi did a double take at Naruto. _What __did __he __do? __It__ can__'__t __be__ a __genjutsu, __Naruto __doesn__'__t _know _any. __But __if __it__ isn__'__t __a __genjutsu,__ then __what __is __it?_

While Kakashi pondered over the conundrum, Kiba sniffed the air, groped around, and looked about. When all that failed, Kiba turned to his puppy.

"Akamaru?"

Akamaru sniffed the air a few times, and then made a pathetic whining noise. That surprised Kakashi even more. _Even__ a __nin-pup __can__'__t__ sniff __out __Naruto? __Now__ I __know __something__'__s __up__…_

Kakashi looked around to see how everyone else was faring.

"Can you see him, Sasuke-kun?" Sakura whispered.

Sasuke glared bloody daggers with his Sharingan. "No," he answered curtly.

More surprised, Kakashi checked Neji, who was studying the fight with his Byakugan activated. Kakashi could tell from his look of disbelief that Neji was having no better luck than Sasuke. The assembly of knowledge disturbed Kakashi a bit. How could _he_ see Naruto just fine through the naked eye when the Sharingan and the Byakugan couldn't?

Suddenly Lee clapped his hands.

"Isaiah's Camouflage!" he shouted.

Everyone within earshot turned to Lee sharply.

"Who's _what_?"

"_Isaiah__'__s__ camouflage_," Lee repeated. "It's a legendary e-brain program that can make an e-user undetectable—like a ghost. A user running the program could be standing centimetres away from you stinking like a dumpster and shouting at the top of his lungs, but you still wouldn't notice."

Lee's brief explanation left the other Genin in a darker place. Kakashi, on the other hand, was able to figure out what was going on with this new bit of info.

Kakashi pulled out the handcrafted illusion breaker in his pocket and showed it to Iruka.

"It works," Kakashi whispered. As he did so, he put the hand holding the illusion breaker on Iruka's shoulder. Iruka's eyes widened immediately after the contact, and started following Naruto's slow movements.

"…It works very well," Iruka eventually said.

The two teachers shared a nod. Then they turned their attention back to the match.

The match was progressing more like a fight between a blind rottweiler and an underfed eagle than a battle between shinobi. Kiba was barreling blindly around the battle arena, throwing weapons and punches at random. Akamaru was doing the puppy equivalent thereof. And Naruto, he just stayed out of their reach— on the highest tip of the Hand Statue— and did nothing.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kiba shouted in frustration. "Are you afraid to fight?"

Naruto still said nothing and stayed where he was. Kakashi wondered why. Naruto's battle strategies were rarely sophisticated, though they were often brilliant in their simplicity. He wasn't the most patient person either, and the only times he showed any kind of extraordinary patience was when Sasuke was being difficult—

—_or__ when __the __Kyuubi __is __affecting __him __the __least__…_

Kakashi turned over this epiphany in his head. In the meantime, Kiba went on and threw weapons in his rage and frustration.

Then a shuriken grazed Naruto's jacket.

The lucky hit didn't draw any blood, but the jacket snapped with static electricity, _and__ everyone__ noticed__ it_.

"Gotcha!" yelled Kiba as he formed the tiger seal, "_Tsuuga_!"

Kiba torpedoed towards Naruto. Naruto got off of the statue, making three shadow clones on his way down. He swapped places with a clone as soon as his feet hit the floor. Kiba rammed into the victim clone milliseconds after the swap. Small white squares and static electricity fizzled all around the victim clone's body as it flew backwards, and disappeared altogether once the clone stopped bouncing and lay in a broken heap.

"Ha!"

Kiba smiled triumphantly at the prone body. Akamaru let out several victorious barks. While the canine duo gloated, the three remaining Naruto's took their positions.

Kakashi smiled when (to everyone else) a disembodied voice said: "Gotcha."

The victim Naruto's body disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Two Narutos grappled with Akamaru, and had the nin-pup dangling in the air by his fore-paws in a matter of seconds. The last Naruto took care of Kiba; after punching Kiba twice on the jaw, Naruto round-kicked him so hard the guy went flying.

The real Naruto stood alone in the midst of white and gray squares after Kiba was knocked out.

"Hmm…" Hayate first checked Kiba's pulse, and then looked at Naruto. Except for a ripped jacket sleeve, Naruto looked no more battered than he did before the match.

"Winner, Uzumaki Naruto!"

00000

"What was that jutsu?" Sasuke asked in lieu of congratulatory words when Naruto came back.

If Sakura was intending to say something nice, it died a death of a thousand face faults in the wake of Sasuke's unique brand of crass rudeness. Naruto, for his part, was unperturbed at the question.

"It's not a jutsu. It's a computer program that runs on microcomputers."

Kakashi felt a headache building. _Gotta__ do__ something__ about__ that__ ego; __and__ speaking__ of __Niiminjin __techno-babble__…_

"Drop the techno-babble," Sasuke said.

…_Did__ he __just __speak __my __thoughts __out __loud?_ Kakashi quietly panicked. _Fuck,__fuck,__fuck,__fuck,__fuck,__fuck__…_!

"My, aren't you grouchy today. As usual," Naruto sighed. "Just think of it as a kind of genjutsu that rides on radio waves."

"You're not a genjutsu type," Sasuke pointed out.

"No, I'm not," Naruto agreed readily. "That's why I use a machine that does it for me."

That put Sasuke off kilter a bit.

"…You have a _machine_ that can perform _jutsu_?"

"Something like that," Naruto raised his forefinger. "For the record, I didn't make it, my Mom's brother did. And don't ask me how the machine works, because I have no friggen' clue. I just know what it can do and how to use it."

Sasuke went silent after that. Kakashi wondered if Sasuke's oh-so-fragile ego was smarting over the fact Naruto could perform sophisticated genjutsu (albeit with the help of a machine) when he still couldn't, or if Sasuke was consoling his aforementioned ego over the fact Naruto couldn't perform a genjutsu without aid. _Really__ gotta __do__ something __about __that __ego; __even __Naruto __has __his __limits. __I __think._

While Kakashi pondered over his prospective nightmare, Lee and Neji came over.

"That was an excellent match, Naruto-kun!" Lee stuck his thumb up. "Incredible execution—a perfect blend of Konoha and Niiminjin arts!"

Lee rambled on, and by doing so, unintentionally reminded a certain member of Team Kakashi that _flattery_ should precede interrogation, and the latter shouldn't be without the former.

…Not that Sasuke was humble enough to show any kind of repentance, of course…

Naruto cut the preamble. "What do you want to know?"

Lee did a horrible job at hiding his intentions. "I just wanted to—"

"—give me your compliments, I know," Naruto's eyes crinkled. "I also just wanted to answer any of yer questions."

Lee had the decency to look sheepish.

"Why didn't you attack as soon as you became invisible?" he asked.

Naruto grinned like a hyena. "I didn't want to kick the puppy."

Lee stared at Naruto in disbelief. Small wonder; Naruto wasn't exactly the type to be held back by puppies.

"…That's it?"

"That and the freeware version of the Camouflage program not responding well to rapid movement," Naruto replied. "Even a hand flap leaves residue images all over the place."

That sounded more plausible. But Lee didn't seem to think so.

"But Naruto-kun, I saw no glimpse of you throughout the match."

"You mean I was totally invisible?" Naruto asked, mildly surprised.

Lee nodded. The other Genin affirmed his claim. Kakashi thought about this. If Naruto used the Camouflage program under the assumption it wasn't the best, when in actuality it _was_ high quality … Kakashi only had vague ideas on what all this implied. But he could bet a few hundred Ryo that the reason involved Hiruma somehow.

"That can't be right," Naruto said with a frown. "I got my copy from a trusted source. He _said_ the program is good for party tricks and an occasional ninja battle as long as I didn't move too quickly."

…_Drat,__ I __just __lost __a __bet __against __myself. _"Who's this trusted source?"

"This old coot who says he's my father."

It took a while to process the bombshell Naruto dropped on his poor sensei in such a cavalier manner. When Kakashi did, his response couldn't have been more understated or unimaginative.

"…_What_?"

00000  
TBC  
00000


	24. The Delayed Apologia

_**A Different Perspective**_  
by Book of Changes

**Rating**: M for Language  
**Main Cast**: Kakashi, Iruka, Naruto  
**Summary**: (AU) Kakashi prepared himself for the worst when he was saddled with the Kyuubi-no-gaki, a.k.a. Naruto. He did not, however, expect _this_.  
**Disclaimer**: This story is based on situations and characters created and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, and various publishers including but not limited to TV Tokyo

Sadly, Book of Changes has abandoned this wonderful story, so I, Kage Husha, have posted it here for those who wish to read it. Please, do not ask for updates. This is it.

00000  
The Delayed Apologia  
00000

Kakashi scrambled to find a tactful way of saying: 'Naruto, you're an orphan. You don't _have_ parents. This old coot _has_ to be a fake. I _can't _believe a cunning little bastard like you didn't realize this… though from the way you called the guy 'old coot', I'm guessing you're not entirely convinced.'

Needless to say, his delay brought failure in every… conceivable… venue.

"Naruto, don't you realize—" Iruka started.

"—of course I know the guy is either fake or loony—" Naruto said at the same time.

"—But you said you were mixed wine—" Sasuke started saying also.

_WHAM._

Someone slugged Sasuke and sent him skidding all the way to the edge of the stairway. He would have toppled over had he not grabbed the railing.

"SASUKE-KUN!"

That was Ino and Sakura screaming in unison. While Ino slowly barged over— Shikamaru and Chouji trying but failing to stop her from making any progress— Sakura looked around to find the perpetrator of the outrage…

…and just stopped.

Lee was standing at the place of attack, his fist thrust forward and unbridled rage blazing in his eyes. Next to him was Gai, smothering Naruto in his bosom, muttering reassuring nonsense in a fairly soft voice. But what really must have halted Sakura in her steps was the sight of Naruto doing absolutely nothing—no yelling, no flailing, _nothing_.

There was a tenuous silence.

"…Naruto?" Sakura tried.

No reaction. Some time later Hayate requested (with a hint of a bellow) Ino and Sakura to come down and Kakashi-senpai and Gai-senpai to restrain their students, please, this is the _second time_. But no one from Team Kakashi or Team Gai moved.

Iruka stepped in.

"Sakura, go. I'll take care of this."

Sakura reluctantly left the balcony. As soon as she left, Iruka turned to Lee and Gai.

"Lee, calm down. Gai-sensei, please let go of him."

Gai let go of Naruto and stood at attention alongside Lee. For a spell, Iruka just stared at Naruto's exposed face.

"Get serious, Ino," Sakura said down in the tournament hall. "I have no time for anything less than a whole-hearted opponent."

The uncharacteristic severity of Sakura's voice broke the spell.

"I think he's having a nervous breakdown," Iruka said.

_Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. _Kakashi looked. It took him everything not to yelp.

"Looks like catatonic shellshock to me…"

And it really did. Naruto's entire body was rigid and his face was stuck holding a shattered expression of raw hurt. To top it all, he was _crying_ and the tears _didn't_ _stop_.

"It's probably E-brain Death Syndrome, sir."

Lee's calm and polite words set alarm bells all over the place.

"…What?"

"It used to be the number one killer of e-brain users, sir," Lee explained. "The real cause is unknown, but it usually happens after e-brain overuse or events that accrue high levels of stress."

Iruka stared at him. "You're awfully calm about this."

"You told me to be calm, sir," Lee said.

Kakashi didn't think Lee was capable of sarcasm. "You're not worried about Naruto dying, are you?"

"No, sir," Lee took out a hanky and started drying Naruto's eyes. "No one dies of EDS anymore. That's why some people call it 'e-_Brain Freeze_ Syndrome' since you can still become catatonic after overuse — or after a really bad shock."

There was a short pause. In the background, Sakura and Ino were shouting invectives at each other.

"…It was the word 'mixed wine,' wasn't it?" Kakashi said. "It shocked him so much he got stuck in it."

"Of course it was _that term_," Gai growled. "Don't you know what it means?"

"First time I heard it," Kakashi said.

Iruka and Neji shook their heads also. Faced with so much ignorance, Gai screwed up his face as he tried to think of a way to explain.

"Do you know where Niiminjin babies come from?" Gai eventually asked.

_Oh fuck__. _Kakashi considered ritual suicide. Iruka covered his face. Sasuke looked away, thus betraying the fact he knew enough about Niiminjin birds and bees to feel ashamed. Neji alone stared at Gai like he couldn't believe his teacher was asking a rhetorical question— which he wasn't— at a time like this.

"…From a mother's womb?" Neji said.

"No, my dear Neji," said Gai. "More than half of them are conceived _outside_ of the womb, and then born through women who are more often than not unrelated to them."

Neji didn't look like he got that.

"They breed babies like racehorses, kid," Kakashi said in blunter terms. "And bake their buns in a foreign oven."

Disbelief displaced the confusion. "…What?"

"It's true," Iruka said, covering Lee's mouth (and his potentially apoplectic remark). "Niiminjin's 'human factories' are churning out parentless embryos even as we speak, and the poor families from Mist Country and Water Country are sending their teenaged daughters to Niiminjin in the _droves_ so they get paid being surrogate mothers."

The stunned silence increased in disbelief.

"And you knew that, didn't you, Sasuke?" Iruka said.

"…He told me he went through a process known as 'mixing wine' before he was born," Sasuke said slowly. "He said people like him aren't exactly uncommon…"

"And he also told you that you can use the word freely."

No answer…_Guilty. _

Lee wrenched Iruka's hand off of his mouth.

"How could you?" Lee demanded. "Naruto-kun trusted you with that secret! And you _must_ have known he was entrusting you with a secret! So how could you betray him like this?"

"Who betrayed who?"

Everyone turned around and there was Naruto, looking as normal as can be.

"NARUTO-KUN!" To Kakashi's horror, Lee tackle-hugged Naruto and started planting kisses all over his face (_not the mouth, not the mouth, _please_, not the mouth!_), "You're all right! I was so worried! I was—"

Naruto halted the procession of horror by placing his hand on Lee's forehead.

"Didn't we decide not to use Niiminjin customs in Konoha?" Naruto said, sounding only mildly discomfited and not at all ashamed. Then he added, "Be careful now. You don't want to be unnecessarily shamed."

Lee seemed to consider the warning rather seriously. During his deliberation, what seemed like _everyone_ in the tournament hall held their breath(s). Then, to Kakashi's utter horror, Lee made a careless tossing gesture over his shoulder and put a big smacking kiss on Naruto's forehead before releasing him.

The hall was immediately filled with girly screams.

"Oh bother," Naruto muttered. "I was afraid of that…"

He suddenly looked down at the battle arena as if he just noticed something.

"Oh, Sakura-chan is fighting!" He waved his hands about. "GO SAKURA-CHAN! WUP HER ASS!"

"…NARUTO!" Sakura snarled. "IF YOU LET LEE-SAN KISS YOU AGAIN I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Naruto saluted cheerfully, "HAAAAI!"

"Diversion," Iruka said as everyone cheerfully and purposefully forgot the past events. He didn't look at all happy about it.

Kakashi crossed his arms. "We'll see about that."

00000

The match resumed, and the teachers observed Sasuke and waited for their cue. The way Sasuke kept flickering his eyes back and forth from the match to Naruto showed how he was humming and hawing over the unpleasant task he was morally compelled to do. Naruto, for his part, didn't notice Sasuke's internal conflict, and devoted his attention on Sakura and Lee.

"Beautiful movement," Lee said. "But Sakura-san's opponent is good too. They are even."

"I wouldn't say that," said Naruto. "Sakura-chan hasn't gone all out yet."

Sakura rapidly gained the upper hand. It was mostly due to the fact Sakura was impervious to Ino's kicks and punches, which in turn was due to Sakura's excellent use of an armoring technique Iruka had taught her three months back.

"See? I told you she hasn't gone all out yet," Naruto said when Lee noticed the armoring effect.

The battle raged on. Ino became more and more frustrated as time went by, and Sakura became more and more confident and aggressive. But Sasuke wasn't looking at the match at all, but neither was he making any attempt to head towards Naruto. His stalemate suggested he was leaning towards the option of waiting out until Naruto forgot about his blunder. This wasn't an unreasonable option normally, seeing how Naruto was remarkably lenient with him.

A subtle change came over Sasuke's face, when Ino and Sakura punched each other's mug simultaneously. Ino was the only one who flew back from the blow.

"_Shit_," Ino growled as she got to her feet. "THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN BE EVEN WITH ME!" she raged.

"Of course not," Kakashi could _hear_ the smirk from Sakura's voice. "How can I be at the same level as someone who can't even hit me properly? Not to mention obsessed with her hair and appearance…"

That really struck a nerve.

"_YOU!_ HOW _DARE_ YOU!" Ino screamed.

A few moments later, there was an awful ripping noise, followed by a war cry.

"ORAAAAA! I DON'T NEED THIS!"

_Now she's done it,_ Kakashi thought as he watched from the corner of his eye Ino scatter her freshly chopped-off ponytail all over the floor. From the other corner of his eye, he noticed Sasuke was keeping his eyes stubbornly fixed on the battle arena, where Ino was shouting: "I'm going to end this fight _right now_! I'll make you say 'I give up!' in front of Sasuke-kun!"

_I don't think he gives a flying f__uck, _Kakashi thought as Iruka took a step towards Sasuke.

"I know two words that will properly resolve your blunder," Iruka said in a by-the-way tone.

Sasuke's whole body jerked in surprise. He stared at Iruka for one terrified moment, then dropped his glance and refused to lift up his face.

"Maybe you're thinking Naruto would let this one go," Iruka said. "And I don't doubt he would. But this isn't the first time something like this has happened, is it?"

No answer…Guilty again.

"Unresolved hurts don't disappear with time," Iruka went on. "You should know that better than anyone. He's all right _now_—" his eyes flickered to Naruto— "but he has his limits."

"But he doesn't-" Sasuke started.

"Did he never?" Iruka interrupted.

Sasuke shut his mouth. Kakashi, who knew Iruka was alluding to the events from two years ago, wondered if Sasuke was the witness Iruka mentioned.

Sasuke's shoulders sagged. "…Okay, just… not now."

"Do it soon," Iruka advised. "Delay only makes it worse."

"HECK, YEAH! WOOHOOOOOOO!"

The ear-shattering whoop made Sasuke start so badly he almost tripped over his own feet. The guilty parties, Naruto and Lee, were doing some kind of victory tango/jig/salsa thingamajiggie in clear violation against their decision to not use Niiminjin customs in Konoha. Down in the battle arena, Ino was knocked out and splattered with screaming yellow paint, and Sakura was standing in front of a trail of blond hair shaped like a rope, with a smoking gun in her hands.

"What the heck happened?" Iruka asked.

"Oh Iruka-sensei you should have seen it!" Naruto gushed. "Ino faked a Shintenshin and trapped Sakura-chan with her freaking _hair,_ but Sakura-chan didn't lose her cool, she shot her with the paint gun I gave her, ohmygawsh _it was so cool!_"

Kakashi could almost see Sasuke's resolve curl up and die after confronting such overwhelming jubilance. Kakashi had to feel sorry for the guy, really. _Looks like you're channeling my bad timing, you poor bastard…_

Iruka put his hand on Sasuke's shoulder, and gave Sasuke an encouraging smile.

"…You'll find your cue," he said.

00000

As it turned out, Sasuke _didn't_ get another chance to apologize, at least, not during the prelims.

The seventh match was Hyuuga Neji verses Hyuuga Hinata. The sheer level of difference between the two Hyuuga progeny was only exacerbated by Neji's poisonous hatred against the main Hyuuga family and Hinata's timid nature. When the match was over—Neji won far too easily, despite _and_ considering Hinata's desperate efforts—Naruto was too upset to listen to anything unrelated.

Kakashi had hoped Naruto would be able to calm down during the eighth match, but instead, Lee verses Gaara of the Desert happened. If Hinata's match was unfair in the extreme, Lee's match was the epitome of _injustice_. Naruto was so upset he couldn't even scream bloody murder at the (obviously deranged) Suna Genin like he did at Neji.

Then, as if that wasn't enough, the ninth and final match was Kankuro verses _Naruto._

The Naruto that went down to the battle arena for the second time was a picture of dejection. His head was bowed low, his shoulders were hunched and his feet dragged with each step. There was no way Kankuro wouldn't rub salt on such obvious wounds.

"Let me repeat puppy-boy's words: you're absolutely _pathetic_," Kankuro sneered. "I won't even ask if you call yourself a ninja, because you're so obviously _not._"

Naruto didn't answer, but his head dipped further.

"Why don't you just give it up and go running to your _friends_?" Kankuro further taunted. "I'm sure no one will think any less of you—you can't go any lower, after all."

Naruto's chin practically touched his chest. His hands, which were holding his either arm just above the elbow, tightened its grip.

Then Naruto let out a gusting sigh.

"…I forgive you," He said. "And I love you, just like your sister."

He looked up. Naruto's face was set, and his hands were down and ready for battle.

Hayate smiled faintly. Kankuro, on the other hand, contorted his face.

"…Fucking freaks, the whole fucking lot of you," he growled.

Naruto made a ghost of a smile, "I forgive you for that too."

"Begin!" Hayate called out.

"I'm not supposed to use this," Naruto muttered as Kankuro removed the bandaged package on his shoulders. "But I have no choice."

Iruka realized what Naruto was going to do before Kakashi.

"Naruto, _don't_!" he shouted.

But it was either too late or no use. Naruto drew his hand back in a familiar stance, and then thrust his palm forward. The gale wind that followed sent both Kankuro and his package flying. Naruto ran after the airborne Kankuro, and snapped his fingers at his direction in an ominously familiar way.

What happened afterwards could only be described as: KA_BOOM._

Once Kakashi's ears stopped ringing and his eye regained its sight, he surveyed the arena. He was unsurprised to see Kankuro lying in a crumpled heap against a wall, with everything from him to his surrounding area within five meters smoking.

"What was that?" Neji whispered to no one in particular.

"Naruto calls it Jiigoku no Laiita (Lighter from Hell)," Kakashi said. "I call it Match Fire Jutsu Gone Wrong."

Neji gaped at Kakashi. Sasuke, on the other hand, clicked his tongue.

"The bastard doesn't have a single burn. He just got knocked out from the impact." Sasuke looked at Naruto, who was walking away from the scene, and shook his head. "He's too nice for his own good…"

"…Winner is Uzumaki Naruto," Hayate announced. "And thus so concludes the preliminaries."

00000

"Naruto opened a can of worms I'm not sure he'll be able to handle," Iruka said as the winning Genin stood at attention in front of Sandaime so they could be properly dismissed.

"Perhaps," Kakashi said. "But I have a feeling he would have become a high priority contender even if he didn't use that jutsu. He did exceptionally well without it."

Iruka shook his head. "That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried because that Gaara-_no-yaro_ may identify Naruto as 'Jeromi' because of that jutsu." His eyes flickered to Temari and Gaara. "I don't know why, but the idea fills me with dread."

Kakashi considered it. He had no doubt Iruka's intuition was on the mark; he'd seen the deranged look on Gaara's face as he/she mercilessly crushed Lee under a waterfall of sand, after all. And if the redhead decided to mark Naruto, then knowing Naruto's second identity would only make it easier for the kid to track him.

'_Jeromi' has to disappear __until the finals, _Kakashi decided. _It shouldn't be that hard. I have to prepare all three of them, anyway. I'll take them to the cliffs and not let them return until the month is up—_

"Naruto looks like he's two seconds away from throwing up!" Iruka whispered in alarm. Right after he finished saying that, Naruto started to puke his guts out in front of Sandaime, who was telling the surviving Genin that they were to use the month before the finals for rest and restoration.

"…As I was saying," Sandaime said. "The month break is for your benefit. Use it well."

—_I need to do something about that vomiting,_ Kakashi thought as he watched the medics lead Naruto away from the rest of the Genin. _I don't suppose Iruka can take a month sabbatical from the Academy. And I can't stop Naruto from using Heavy Chakra. He won't listen, and besides, it's his greatest asset._ _Damnit, what should I do…?_

Kakashi was still trying to come up with a workable plan when Anko went through every Genin (except Naruto; he was taken to the Infirmary because of his staccato projectile puking), and all of them drew out a piece of paper out of the box she was holding.

"Now, I'd like you to tell us the number on the paper you just drew, starting from the left," Sandaime said.

"Five," said Sasuke.

"F-four," said Sakura.

"Eight," said Temari.

"…Three." That was Gaara.

"One," said Neji.

"Six," said Shino.

"Seven," Shikamaru said.

"Good," said Sandaime. "Ibiki, show them the match arrangements."

Ibiki held up the clipboard he'd been using to write down the names. For a while, the Genin studied the tournament chart. Kakashi studied it too, and felt a headache building.

_Sakura's first opponent is Gaara of the f__ucking Desert, _Kakashi pinched the bridge of his nose. _How the bloody fuck am I going to prepare her for _that…?

Meanwhile, Sandaime explained to the Genin how the final tournament was going to work.

"A panel of judges made up of _Daimyo_, village elders, the Kazekage and I will be evaluating your abilities throughout the tournament," he said. "Those whom the judges deem to have the necessary qualities of a Chuunin will be promoted to Chuunin. Winning is not necessary, but advancing in the tournament will give you more chances to appeal to the judges."

"So it's possible everyone here will become Chuunin?" Temari asked.

"Yes," said Sandaime. "But it is possible _no one_ here will become a Chuunin."

Sandaime finished his address with a note of congratulations, and dismissed the Genin. The Genin dispersed, some heading towards their teachers, and others merely leaving. Iruka took his cue and headed to the infirmary.

Kakashi converged with his not-sick students, who were walking towards him.

"Good job you two," Kakashi said.

Sakura practically glowed with pride. Sasuke just looked away.

"But, unfortunately, we don't have time to celebrate," Kakashi gave them a look. "You understand that, right?"

They nodded. Good.

"Let's go to the Infirmary," Kakashi said. "Iruka-sensei should be there already. Once Naruto stops throwing up, I'll go over what we're going to do." _Hopefully I'll have some idea by then… _

…_I wonder if these two made the connection between Naruto and 'Jeromi'_, Kakashi thought as he walked behind Sakura and Sasuke. He didn't get to go down that lane of thought because 'Jeromi' brought forth an intriguing idea that just might work.

Kakashi had most of the details worked out by the time they arrived at the infirmary. He felt a tickle of suspicion when Sakura knocked on the door, and felt it explode when Sakura opened the door.

Still, when he actually saw the scene behind the door, Kakashi almost blinked.

The medics were scattered around a blood-covered floor, dead or unconscious. The injured Genin were suspiciously silent in their beds. That odd Genin, Yakushi Kabuto, was standing in front of Naruto's bed with a knife out.

And there, in the middle of the room, driving a Chakra-knife into a medic's body was Iruka.

00000  
End  
00000


End file.
